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ronnie b Mar 2018
i'm so sorry, love
i told you -
i'm bad at descriptions
what i meant to say is
you're one of my favorite people
and i love our conversations
and god i'm going to miss you when you're gone
but i didn't
i was noncommittal
i said "nice" and "interesting"
and made it sound like
i wouldn't miss you that much
well
that's wrong.
i already know you're going to leave -
you're a senior,
after all -
but i'd prefer it
if you didn't leave sooner
and if your leaving
wasn't permanent
you're worrying me now
so please listen
i'm so sorry
i'm bad at descriptions
and you mean more to me
than i could ever say
ronnie b Nov 2017
you
are the brightest colors in my palette
with which i paint
the most beautiful pictures

you
have inspired me
to paint pictures
of light and happiness

you
are the stars and galaxies
on my midnight blue skies
supernovas of light

you
are the lilies
somehow growing and flourishing
in the messy muck of my soul

you
are my muse
my inspiration
and the one i love the most
dedicated to my beautiful girlfriend

who has inspired me for multitudes
ronnie b Nov 2017
where will i find myself in two years?
barely dragging myself out of bed every morning
alone and stressed to the point of snapping?

or, maybe, somehow

i will wake up every morning
likely exhausted
but happy.

happy.
that’s a thought.
a fleeting, fickle thought,
but a thought nonetheless.
i don’t remember the last time i could say
“i’m happy”
without it being at least partially a lie.

i’m just used to it now.
when we had to write lists for inspiration
so we could write this poem
one of the lists was “5 things i am an expert in”
and number 3 on my list
was depression!

number 5 was falling in love.
falling in love.

falling in love is my saving grace.
my love has found me
broken, ******, and bruised.
not my bones
but my heart
shattered into too many pieces
broken glass
that cuts anyone who tries to come near it.

most people leave when they realize that.
one adopted me, but that’s just what she does.
but my love didn’t leave.
she found my bruises and wounds
and bandaged them
and somehow
fell deeper in love with me.

thank you.
ronnie b Nov 2017
i’m going to do it
i’m going to tell her
about what happened
almost three years have passed
but i’ll tell her
nothing can be done
it’s already passed
and he lives in california
but it will be off of my chest
though i will still dredge up the memories
still hear the fire in my ears
and feel the screaming in my soul
and my body
that never left
even now, i am
afraid of him
and of all like him
whether or not they are
i must be as careful as i can
as must all people
but now i will be living
a life without him
it will be
better eventually though i do not know
when it will be
but it will be
and the process has begun
dedicated to the one who tore me open

and to my best friend

who is putting me back together
ronnie b Nov 2017
i think i'm fat.
i say "think" because
everyone tells me
i'm not
when i bring it up
maybe i'm not
"fat",
per se,
but i'm not thin,
nor am i healthy.
i gorge myself
on carbs and chocolate,
caffeinating to the point of
insomnia,
ignoring exercise
every chance i get.
there are other words for me,
somewhat flattering words-
chubby,
curvy,
squishy,
huggable.
i know someone
who would add words like
"cute" and "pretty" and "beautiful"
to that list.
i don't believe her.
i love her and care about her
more than she knows,
but i don't believe her.
i find no beauty in fat,
no cuteness in stretch marks.
i find only
ugliness
and self-hatred.
i've been trying to change that,
for both her
and myself.
i know how horrible it feels
to look in the mirror
and hate what i see,
to skip meals
and squirm from the discomfort
of my hunger
but bear it
and not take a bite
for fear of more stretch marks
and added pounds.
i might change that,
eventually-
eat a little healthier,
embrace my curves and squishiness,
but for now,
it's who i am.
i guess,
for now,
it's just
me.

— The End —