When someone who sexually assaulted you pops up on the people you may know
First you cringe and remember the incident
Then you look at your mutual friends
Angry that your uncle is his friend
Hoping they aren't too close
You see pictures of him with girls
Hoping he treated them better than you
You see where he works
You wonder if he jokes about women to his work buddies
And you notice
That he seems just as normal as any other guy
And that's why women are so afraid
Because they blend in
Like ******* chameleons

I dated a wrestler,
Mom liked him,because he was white and had red hair like me
He bought me things, even though I didn’t ask
He carried my books to class, and opened the doors
He held my hand and sometimes grabbed my ***

But I didn’t mind because I’ve been taught
Through society that when things are bought
****** payments are what females give with no afterthought

So with much gratitude
I sent him a ****
And he send it to the whole school

Starting with the wrestling team,
But some of them were football players so they sent it to their team
So on and so forth until the extreme

Sexualassults were happening constantly
Hallways turned into a runway of grabs and brushes against my ***
Some even slipped a dollar into my pocket as payment for the peak

When a **** of lingerie for a nice guy turned into a beacon that I’m a *****
People starting victim blaming me, ‘you shouldn’t have done that’
And the principle doesn’t care

He overheard from a group of boys
He got the picture and had it printed sitting on his desk,
“This is child ******* if I see you sending this again you’ll be in trouble”

I realized no one was going to defend me and so the strong women I am known to be
Hid, when I needed her strength the most
Once confident head held high, I try to blend in with the crowd

I changed the way I dressed into sweatshirts and baggy pants
But they continue because it’s not the way I dress, but that I’ve become inferior
And the open palms that graze me burn with masculinity


Until that 2 week period ended I thought I was going to burst
But instead I became numb
Because no one cared it was happening

Mom is an alcoholic
She'll embarrass you
But that's okay because you have a Dad
He'll be on your side and defend you
You might not understand why I left home early or moved away
But that's okay
I left because your dad was never a dad to me and our Mom kicked me out whenever we argued because she was wasted
You might not understand why we never got along
But that's okay
You just never saw that I was always left out and treated unfairly
That I suffered every day living in a home that didn't want me
And watched you have everything you ever wanted
I hope one day you understand.

My love for you is immeasurable
Yet I know you love me the same
Just children with barely a taste of life
But my taste of you is by far the best
How quickly we grew together
I feel as though we have reconnected
If that's even possible
Because the first day of meeting you
There was already some form of familiarity
As if old souls joined once again.

~Emma Rose

You came into my life when I was 4
You've never said I love you
Nor hugged me
You never took me out for a step dad date
But people told me I should consider you my dad

You had a kid with my mom when I was 9.
You love her and take her out for dad dates
You always talk about how proud of her you are
Everything she does is amazing
I was left behind and now the babysitter
That's all I ever was to you
So *******

When you announced her birth your family talked of the first grandchild
What was I then?
They never accepted me and neither did you
They want you to walk me down the aisle
A man who came into my life with 0 significance
Yeah *******

I looked in the mirror and saw some stretch marks on my stomach
At first I was upset
How did I let myself gain so much weight
I need to start running again
I need to eat better
These thoughts swirled in my head and I froze
Staring at my stomach with stretch marks
Turning back and forth to get a better look
Later while it still was nagging at the back of mind
I started to think of everything I’ve been through in my 19 years of life
How strong I’ve become
I use to keep a thin figure by working out and eating barely anything
How much I tried to stay popular and have “that look” all girls wanted in High School
Now look at me being strong and eating whatever I want
I truly am proud of myself and my figure
And my stretch marks on my tummy is only proof of how much I’ve come along.
They are my stretch marks of strength

~Emma Rose

I look at my canvas
Painted a perfect porcelain
Highlighted, contoured
The eye lashes are volumized
The eye lids are a perfect shimmer
It doesn't even look like me anymore
And that's how I know
It's perfect.
After a long day of confidence
It's time to clear the canvas
I stare at the acne
The red cheeks
The unnecessary freckles
The skin I was born with
The skin I hide
My canvas is plain

~Emma Rose

Depression is a pendulum
Happy, Sad, Happy, Sad
Never too happy nor too sad
Almost stuck in suspension of the emotions
When I want utter bliss I have plain yellow
When I want utter pain I have plain blue

You see depression has taken these emotions
They’re now small and weak
When I want to feel the overwhelming joy or sadness
It tells me no you only get a little of both

Depression is numbness building up asking
What is it to feel
Because I can only feel little or none
And when that pendulum swings
Happy, Sad, Happy, Sad
I can't control it

~Emma Rose

Mr you've got quite the hold on me
With those big brown eyes
I believe -dare I say
I've fallen hard and fast for you
Big brown eyes
But Mr you were there to catch me
You gave me a kiss on the head
You even asked if I was okay.
Kind brown eyes
You're not above me
I'm not above you
Because we put each others needs before our own
Dare I say Mr brown eyes
Loving brown eyes
That you are a dream come true.
Nothing will ever compare to you.
Mr I believe that in time you'll keep me happy
Maybe even make me a happy grey lady
But surely if not-
You will hurt.
A world without us,
Painful brown eyes
Is a world I do not wish to see.

~Emma Rose

And if I'm being honest
I think I'm getting bad again
I've been zoning out a lot
It's getting harder to look in the mirror
I pull at my skin and frown
It's harder to get up in the morning
I've been counting how long it's been
If it's more than 2 months it's bad again.
Depression.
I don't deserve it right now
I have everything I want
Everything I need
Why am I getting bad again...

~Emma Rose

Abuse
No one tells you how long it takes to get over it
No one tells you about the random triggers you face
Did that happen to me?
Why can't I remember it?
Triggers
It takes away from a happy day
The memories keep happening
Am I getting better or worse?
Why does every day seem like I'm remembering more
Worse
Psychology says my brain originally hid those memories to protect me
In order to stay happy I have to simply forget
Why can I see them now?
Why do they still hurt after all this time

~Emma Rose

An independent woman is viewed as a disease
How dare I not need a man to depend on.
How dare I speak my opinion loud and proud.
Where did I gain so much confidence
Considering this society sends ads to attack my opinion of myself
And make me understand my place is to be small

As an independent woman
I understand my power when it comes to other woman
I can be a hand to help lift them up
Show them that we do exist
And to help them out when the men talk over her or mansplain her

However heed my warning
Men are ****** when we show our dominance
They call us *****
They laugh when we make simple mistakes
Because they’ve been taught
Boys will be boys
But women, must hold their tongues

~Emma Rose

I dated a wrestler,
Mom liked him,because he was white and had red hair like me
He bought me things, even though I didn’t ask
He carried my books to class, and opened the doors
He held my hand and sometimes grabbed my ***

But I didn’t mind because I’ve been taught
Through society that when things are bought
****** payments are what females give with no afterthought

So with much gratitude
I sent him a ****
And he send it to the whole school

Starting with the wrestling team,
But some of them were football players so they sent it to their team
So on and so forth until the extreme

Sexualassults were happening constantly
Hallways turned into a runway of grabs and brushes against my ***
Some even slipped a dollar into my pocket as payment for the peak

When a **** of lingerie for a nice guy turned into a beacon that I’m a *****
People starting victim blaming me, ‘you shouldn’t have done that’
And the principle doesn’t care

He overheard from a group of boys
He got the picture and had it printed sitting on his desk,
“This is chidpornography if I see you sending this again you’ll be in trouble”

I realized no one was going to defend me and so the strong women I am known to be
Hid, when I need her strength the most
Once confident head held high, I try to blend in with the crowd

I changed the way I dressed into sweatshirts and baggy pants
But they continue because it’s not the way I dress, but that I’ve become inferior
And the open palms that graze me burn with masculinity

~Emma Rose

I am a suicide survivor and although I’m not proud of it I’ve come to realize it’s made me better
Because like a phoenix I rose
I grew up in a home that didn’t want me, that told me it wanted to abort me but couldn’t afford it
I grew up in a home that abused me and beat me when I made the simplest of mistakes
I grew up in a home that decided drugs were more important than feeding me a good meal
I grew up in a home that would kick me out for a couple of nights because I was getting older and didn’t want to deal with the ******* anymore
I grew up in a home that neglected me but raised another child spoiled and loved right in front of my eyes.
I grew up in a home that chose a man over me and left me in the dust wondering why she never loved me.
But this home put a fire in my heart
It made me independent, and it made me strong, and quite mature for my age
It gave me an authoritative personality that I use everyday to my benefit
After my suicide attempt I decided to show this home just how strong I was
I got B+ grades and was super involved
I made friends with both my teachers and peers
But something that both the home and suicide attempt gave me
Was a want to do something scary once a day just to prove to myself I can grow
From my freshman year of high school to now I still follow that rule.
It could be as simple as a sharing this poem or talking to a cute boy in my Speech class which ultimately led me to my fiance
But regardless because of my attempt I have grown as a person
Because like a phoenix I rose

~Emma Rose

I'm sick of you being a ******* toddler
I'm sick of the fact my childhood ended so early
I'm sick of you

Your irresponsible and I have to clean up your messes
You had another kid you didn't want to take care of so I had too
You drink too much and I have to come get

When did you decide I wasn't your daughter but your DD
When did you start only caring about you
When will you realize you've destroyed our relationship

~Emma Rose

I get so turn with ‘friends’
I understand to know my worth
So I cut off the bad ones
And now i'm left with none

Is it my fault that I was never taught relationships
I dated so many people just to find some kind of filler
Filling holes with fake love and empty promises
But I never really learned the idea of friendship

Of course I blame myself
But I also blame my abusers
Why can't I live healthily
Why can't I live normally

But thinking like that brings me pain
I need fillers that aren't people
Knowledge and adventure
Because after all what is a human being without our mind

Successfully I've done this
People think I live an amazing busy life
They don't see the Wednesday nights alone on my couch pondering
They only see what I want them too and she's not exactly me

I keep myself busy to escape the depression
And that honesty hurts and cuts deep
But being busy is learning and new experiences
I then soon have a realization that I'm only human

~Emma Rose

God Forbid a young girl,
Has an absent father
A father who chose drugs over her but yet she still longs for his acceptance
But as age grew on her she started finding that acceptance from young boys.
Boys who if her father was an ideal man would have warned her not to date
The girl only longed for unconditional love

God Forbid a young girl,
Has a mother who is cold to the touch
A mother who never echos the words “I’m proud”
Even though that girl has big dreams that she accomplishes a little bit day by day
The mother still blames her for losing her man because she had that child
The girl only longed for acknowledgment

God Forbid a young girl,
Contemplates taking her life
Because both parents are uninvolved and unaware of her
The toxic environment eats away at her large heart and she slowly is fading away
She found out shortly that she would have to find love some other way
The girl only longed to be alive.

~Emma Rose

As a woman,
I don’t feel safe without keys between my finger while walking alone at night.
The wind howls at my skirt and reminds me how easy it is to lift up
I don’t feel safe until the door is locked and I let out a sigh of relief
As a lady,
My male coworkers and male friends remind me of how fragile I am
They find it fascinating that I have a motorcycle and play dek hockey
How fascinating it is that a weak lady can do the same thing a man can do
As a girl,
I am allowed to show my feelings, however if I show the wrong ones I’m a *****
If I show any kind of leadership I’m immediately looked down upon
The boys try to one up me and try to take over because a girl doesn't have the ability
As a holder of the X chromosome,
I don’t have control over my body, the government and white men do
I am to birth a child and when I say I’m unsure I’m told I will change my mind
My body is not my own but it belongs to everyone around me

~ Emma Rose

I do not write this poem to attack men
Rather to make them understand the world in which we live
Has been turned against us woman and left us in the dark
Where ads, magazines, video games all make us out to be ****** objects with no brains
And when that dark comes he will see us no more than a ****** object

When we speak of #MeToo it is questioned
What were you wearing
What were you drinking
Did you kiss him
Did you go to his house
Did you take any drugs

The ****** assault hurts less than the accusations
When principles, parents, friends all victim blame you
The sense of wanting revenge is replaced with wanting it to disappear.

2 of 3 ****** assaults go unreported because woman don’t feel like we’re being heard.
We are victim blamed and we are tired of being treated like ****
When health education and the media are more open with consent
And rapists actually get jail time
Is when I will live in a world where I am okay with having a girl as my child
But as of right now I am scared shitless that I will not be able to protect her from the ugly
That is why I stand with the #MeToo movement

Blue Hawaiian Punch tastes like..
Childhood memories and innocence
It's the color of bruises that litter my legs and arms at 6 years old
It’s Mom beating me with the belt and making me stand in the corner until my legs tremble
Because blue punch stains brown old carpets
The teachers must have assumed that like all 6 year old I play rough and get hurt innocently

Michelina’s Frozen Mac and Cheese tastes..
Cheap but cheesy and maybe frozen for a little too long
It also reminds me of racism and homophobia
When I made my first black friend who was 4 and I was 6
My Mom told me that he will get me into trouble and to stay away
When he fell off his bike my mom made him sound so alien I looked to see what color he bled

Apple Dapples, Cocoa Rice, Marshmallow Mateys, and 2% milk tastes like..
Sunday morning cartoons and waking up at 8 am
Dragging a chair over to the counter because I’m 6 and can’t see above it
And if I spill on the counter mom will spank me
It’s 8, 9, 10, 11, Noon. I want to play outside but Mom’s still asleep
So I go back to her room and shake her awake
“I want to go outside”
“Fine just go away”
I walk out the front door onto our screened porch littered with beer cans
Happy to play with my friends because at 6 I don’t think my life is any different from theirs

~Emma Rose