Words that weigh
cause migraines
and I can't remember the words you said to me
the ones that haunt me like
a killer with a knife
I remember the feelings though
the pain that sliced my young heart
I became really good at letting it go
just brushing it off my shoulder
shoving it down deep in my soul
but now as I keep saying what I feel
the suppressed feelings are coming to surface

Emptying the closet of insults
only reveals the darkest ones at the bottom
and your name is marked on all of them
and I can't help but get teary remembering them
holding myself as I close the door
a little girl shouldn't have to hear that
shouldn't have to worry about her hair
the way she dressed
the way she talked
the way she stuttered
why didn't you love me?
why did you pick on me?
you showed love and affection to everyone else
people refused to think we were related
because of how socially inept i was
couldn't you see that i was lost?
looking for you to grab onto me and hold me
to tell me how beautiful i looked
just being me?
but instead
you pulled my hair
and ripped my clothes
threw out my favorite overalls

Sometimes you would rub my back
and call me sweet sarah
you would make me feel loved
and how loved i felt
i wanted those moments to last forever
and in my mind they do
when i'm sad
it's those times i remember
but it doesn't wash out the darker ones

and how i thought
once dad got involved they would stop
but he only encouraged your malicious thinking
the slightest mistake
was my biggest regret
carless, heartless, *****, rude, disrespectful
those words mean nothing now
they are cliches that you say
but ring no meaning

at least
they used to

now everything is like a fresh new slice
opening myself up again
revealing my healed wounds
i thought i could do this
i thought i could show you what hurts more
what hurts more than seeing fat on my bones
or horrible makeup on my face
the words of children never mattered
it was the words of my mother

my mother who preferred my sister
my mother who thinks im useless
a good-for-nothing waste of space
unless i provide a service
i might as well leave
and i want to leave
don't think i'm here by choice

threaten me mother
say you'll hit me
tell me again how you will take everything away
show me your anger
because you are obviously untouchable
you can clearly control me
but one day you won't
and i won't care
but i really hope
that you do

Low guitar strings
strum and stir the night sky
stars illuminate
your eyes
strained to see mine
while i stare
stardust trailing the midnight sky

it's hard to love you again

but i'm starting to
standing next to you
holding your hand
stargazing
starstruck
in awe of the view in front of us
and while i stare
i can feel your eyes gaze at me
and your mouth
whispers
"wow"

I used to stand in church
and close my eyes

waiting for a god to wash me over
with peace and love

and all i felt was

the tingling in my fingertips

the uncomfortable way my eyes were closed

the soft hairs tickling my temples

the pain resounding in my joints

and i didn't feel god
all i felt was the awkwardness of me

standing in a church

Porcelain dolls
perfection in every pore
my imagined self is flawless
and I truly feel that way
around you
so perfect that I think I can be with the A-listers
deny a prince
and kiss a king

So high that you can't really tell
where your body is
and what the floor feels like
a type of drug that runs through my veins like oxygen
that I readily injected
but this drug kept me in a sane place
where I could focus and function
I could be with my friends
and I could live my life while letting you live yours
but as soon as I stopped
I felt reality crashing into me
and what I found left me breathless
my heart started beating
the shattered pieces trying to meld together
that continued to cut into my lungs
Denial was so ready at my fingertips
and I could slip away so easily
and pretend for another day
so I did
again and again
until my tolerance was growing
and soon
I was immune
only left to see
reality for what it was
and all I can think is
*****

Bounding leaps forward
the water looks so inviting and friendly
but as I reach the edge and worry
What if it's cold?
What if it's filled with bacteria and makes me sick?
What if I get wet for nothing?
So I stick my small toes in
and so far
it's pretty nice

A final sentence in your undeniably brief chapter
3 months is all it took
and I was fed up with you yesterday

While you snarled at me
I could see your tail tucked in between your legs
and I'm sorry that I shared no remorse for this

but
I am human and I hate to say it
but I couldn't care less