My shoulders are tense
hands nervous
silence is air- constant and needed

right now
silence is smog
seizing my lungs
demanding on my eyes

my mind, frantic
tells my eyes not to surrender
amongst this deafing silence
people are all around

I must
relax and breathe
wait,
for sound is invetiable - abrubt but equilibrium
it is true- life is about
the smiles and the frowns

she can't hear a sound
forest green
creatures all around
some run, some climb, some sleep
they come and they go

she huddles against a cave
darkness closing in
she remembers what it used to be

camp forest fire
roasting marshmallows
circle of friends,lovers

they left her- stranded
she was too nice
they were able to walk on top of her
she was too indecisive
they asked for her money and they ran
she was too kind
they took her advice and they made it back

now she sits
all alone
night seeps in
she knows she doesn't have too long
*till she's all gone

It's a mystery to you-
how many moments I spend crying,
seconds closing my eyes,
hoping to disappear

when you call  later
your voice is vivid against the black shadows
of my thoughts

you're a nice friend
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

It's a mystery to you-
how many days I go without company,
hours spent listing my flaws

when you visit later
I'm shocked; You're brighter than I thought

you're a nice friend,
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

and if I see you analyze me
I put on a smile-
*I'm okay, don't you see

Don't tell me you understand
because you don't

at the age of three
you didn't lose your father

spend
countless therapy sessions
with brave smiles
and shaky trust

yes, I'm here now, barely
and you're trying to tell me
everything is going to be okay

but you're wrong

I'm searching for the type of love
only a father gives
and I can't bring myself to stop

I have this stupid belief that
he's out there
and this has all been a joke

but  truly I've gotten it all backwards
I'm the joke
and if you knew how I really felt- surely you'd send me away

I'm not angry because you're gone
or because you're alone
and I don't wish, for you

I'm remembering
from that moment we met,
to that last word you spoke

And I'm angry, crying, wishing
because
you took a part of me

There's so many new faces, new places, new memories
but I'm trapped, buried beneath so much emotional baggage
and stupidly
I'm reaching, searching for that part you took
and every day I face sundown- empty handed

I'm solemn because... I don't think I'll ever
find the me, you carelessly tossed aside