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Ankit Dubey May 2019
I know it gets little scary at times, but being alone is good for your soul. Look, in this new world of a life lived in the fast lane, people and everything have become superficial. We talk to people because we go to the same class, same office, or same gym. We hang out with the people we end up with, not with the people we want to. And when that happens, there is no deepness in anything. It's all just convenient company. You laugh, you smile, you talk, and you party with them, but do you think about them when you go home? No. You just get done with your social life and hit the bed, tired and empty. And then you wish to feel something more worthwhile. Maybe, the things that you wanted to talk about for so long. Maybe, the things that scare you. Maybe, you just want to connect again with your core. And you don't end up doing that because you have a social circle, many people, to take care of. And that's fake living, my friend. That's a compromise that you have made. And that's just a lie that you are living to let people believe in your truth of happiness.

Look, I am going deep here. It won't make sense to most, and I know that. But sometimes, we need to go to the dark places to hug the light that our soul has been craving for. Okay, let's do one thing. Let's count how many people you really want in your life. No, do it right now. Just think about the people you want to be with, if you have just one month to live. Go ahead, count. I bet you could count that on fingers. Now, think about the time you spend on other people. Just a rough estimate, let's say 3-4 hours, daily. This time can be the time you spend hanging out with a big group at the bar. And that time is time wasted, my friend. That time can be given to you, yourself. And don't you dare tell me that you get bored too soon, with yourself. You don't get bored, you stupid. You just are blind to your potential and life. You are just wasting this precious life on being nothing and nobody. So, sit with yourself, talk, face the mirror, write down what you want, think about ways to get there, and swear to move ahead.

The naked truth is that you have lived many years already. You have had fun with friends, lovers, and all that. But, where do you stand right now? Are you happy? Could you have done more? Are you living that dream? Or are you just breathing a compromise? Ask these simple questions to yourself and be honest. Look, you need to stop this sad routine. You need to do more with yourself, with your life. And for that, you will need time, more time at hand. And how to do that? Well, cut the time on wrong people, temporary people. Don't allow any ******* in your life in the name of chill. Enough chill, just go and set the stage on fire, I say. Grow up, now. Keep only those people who want you to succeed. Be with people who give positive vibes. Cut the whining ****** people out. You are not here to solve other's mess. Your life is a mess, in itself. Sort yourself out, focus. Let loose of everyone, who is chaining you from flying.

And when you are done kicking people out, spend more time with yourself. Just notice the little things that give you peace. Maybe a walk, movies, book, painting, writing, or playing a sport, just find out what sparkles you, and then do that, daily, at least often. Just sit with yourself at night, slow music, dim lights, a cup of coffee in hand, and then ask yourself "how's it going?". Look, no matter how much anyone loves you, if you allow, then only you can know yourself, the best. So, be honest about what makes you happy and strong. And once you get used to being in your own company, doing things you always wanted, then you will realize how peaceful this solitude is. You will become addicted to this calmness and serenity. You will leave other things to keep this me time for yourself, always. I know that you see on social media, all those pics of enjoying with this, that and blah blah blah. But most of them are lying and cry to bed, every night. The truth is that only you yourself will be there for you, always. So, better work on that relationship more. Please make this love story between you and yourself, the best love story. Please give yourself more of you.


~ Ankit Dubey
  Apr 2019 Ankit Dubey
Piyush Gahlot
Take me back,
To the time when I was just an innocent kid,
Life was simpler ,Dreams in eyes and pure by heart,
Careless , free spirited, and all I needed was to play and eat chocolates.

Take me back ,
To the time I saw her first at school.
Simple and sweet like an angel ,
fair like milk, love her short silky hairs,
Still remember her smiling in that red skirt.

Take me back ,
To the college farewell night ,
When I was drunk on top of the world,
When i proposed her and she became mine.

Take me back ,
To the time when we were together,
When you were mine,
I wasn't alone,
when I wasn't afraid to love.
Ankit Dubey Mar 2019
I don't really know what exactly is hurting me. There are few people and few things that have gone bad, but I can't pick a person and say that I blame you. I have tried to ask myself, but all I get is that I am sad, for some reason. I get irritated by small things. I don't enjoy the things I used to enjoy earlier. I don't smile the way I used to smile. I feel that something is missing. Some part of me is lost somewhere. Some feelings of mine are lying bruised within my soul. I feel a darkness lurking inside me, but I sparkle in bouts of desperate attempts at happiness. It's almost as if I am screaming for help, without making any noise.

And then sometimes, I blame myself for being so emotional about the things other people just don't even care about. I hate myself for having a heart that is too pure in this soulless world. I have done so much for others. So when I find myself standing alone, fighting my own ugly battle, I do feel betrayed by all those people. I feel used. I feel like ****. And then I just want to say goodbye to all those people. You know, never talk to them, delete their numbers, or block them. I get almost ready to do it, but then I stop. I don't know why I stop. Maybe, I still want to give them a chance. Or maybe, I just want to see how much more they can hurt me.

I deserve better. I deserved more love, care, affection, and loyalty. And that's why it hurts when people just change. They still smile. They are still happy and proud. No trace of shame on their double fake face. They are still beaming as some sort of proud "pure soul", ah! the irony of black souled vultures. And to be honest, I just want to end this all. I want to trace all my pain and punch it dead with some reality-check and self-love. I mean, who wants to stay sad for people who don't even care? So, maybe soon, they won't be able to find me. Soon, the doors of my world will be shut on them, forever. Soon, they won't even exist in my universe. And, I mean all of them. You know, I don't need anyone. I am just so tired of this ******* and drama. Just, go away. I want to live, happy and alone. I am done with people.

:)
Ankit Dubey Mar 2019
Letter

What exactly do you want from me?" She asked tenderly. Her eyes searching mine for an answer, compelling me to break my silence.

Me? I don't know. I've said that enough through my eyes but if you want me to put it in words so I'll explain it in the most obvious way. I want you. Your attention and your time. It's not that I'm some crazy psychopath dying to get an eye from you. I'm just a splintered soul who finds his solace in you.
I want to be with you. Either in person or just clung to your thoughts. I want to wake up next to you, to see your serene face shrouded with dim morning sunlight. I want to wake you up everyday differently. I want to giggle around you and to see you giggle with me, to let your laugh echo in my room of silence, sedating my soul, letting me feel vibrant.

I want to cook with you without thinking about our bad cooking skills. I want to twirl around you sheepishly while trying a hand in cooking recipes that are way beyond my capabilities. I want to sing dramatic duets doing salsa on our kitchen floor. I want you to make faces on having my delicious food and appreciate my horrible cooking experiments to save me from getting dull.

I want to have a garden full of roses and lavenders to water it with you and then playfully want to get indulge into some water fight against the green grass. I want to see your wet face with perfect smile laughing girlishly to let my head imagine how beautiful you must have been in your teenage.
I want to have pets with you. I want you to hold my hands to make me learn how to play with them touching their fur and befriend them without running from them. I want you to entangle your fingers with mine while crossing roads where I can barely open my eyes. I want you to cover me in crowd. I want you to hold me right to let me know you care. I want you to respect my tears knowing this heart of mine is fatuously emotional.

I want to sleep peacefully against your heartbeat, giving rest to the storms of my head if only you know I'm an insomniac with millions of mood swings. I want to ***** about how my workplace ***** and then rest my head on your shoulder crying myself to sleep. I want you to cover me up when I throw blanket in midnight. I want you to rest your head against mine to let me feel your warmth while asleep to fight back each witching hour of darkness.
I want to explore the world with you. That never meant to go on trips that are beyond our financial potential. I want you to wake me up in midnight to take us on some adventurous roadtrips to explore the fun we've missed while living and running this futile race of life. I want to drive insanely to scare the hell out of you. To go on long walks in cities of no recognitions and unknown faces. I want to go on adventure sports with you. Hiking up the mountains, diving skies and waters. Hence plunging deep in the ocean of togetherness.

I want you to surprise me on my birthday at 12 when I'm least expecting it to be remembered by you. To see you sing a happy birthday song and realise how horrible your croaky voice sounds. Yet the butterflies in my tummy flutters to show how elated they're to found you. To just get cute notes over fridge, desk and tv saying how annoying I'm and yet how my presence makes you feel alive. I want to have intellectual conversations about love, life and future yet I want to suddenly turn the table towards lame dance numbers. Dancing with you till my feet ache and breathing gets shallow.

I want to unravel secrets you've been concealing from this utterly judgemental world. I want to sit on rooftop at 2 am with you talking about how life must've origined and why death is scary. Admiring stars, moon and chattering about galaxies. Foremostly I would like to get lost in the galaxy your deep eyes allure me of.
I want to watch some over the top emotional movie and end up curling in your lap crying my heart out. I want you to pat my back and tell me how it's just a movie and my dumb head need to fathom out the difference. I want you to startle me with bitter truths rather than soothing me with comforting lies.

I want to lend an ear to your pain and smile in your contentment, I just simply want to be with you, till my breathes last and to make you feel whole with me. Holding your hands, fighting, reasoning, laughing, blushing and living I'm just a young mind with an old heart, heart which may not necessarily believe in clichéd fairy tales but wants to feel that corny romance, romance that's beyond age and time, time that binds our hearts together to make our own little infinity, infinity that entwines our dark souls conjointly.

I just want to get old with you, that's all I want.
this is all what I ever want to say you whenever you asked me what I want from you
my dear love : shreya
  Mar 2019 Ankit Dubey
levi eden r
it's my birthday.
i cried last night of the thought that i really made it another year.
the rain seemed to push me down so hard and i can't believe i'm still here.
walking with my friend yesterday,
i looked at her,
just by looking at her,
i knew that i should be here.
in that moment,
i knew i wanted to stay.
it's birthday and i'm --,
another year of breathing,
another year of crying,
another year of smiling,
another year of feeling like i was nothing,
another year of loving,
another year of me.
i don't know how to feel this year about myself yet
but
i'm here and that's all that matters.
more than any other month, last month i came close so many times to just ending it all. those times were the first times in years where i had everything planned out for my departure and was ready to end it all.

but i'm here. i don't really know what that says about me or what or how i'm doing. but i'm here.

happy birthday to me
  Mar 2019 Ankit Dubey
Samantha Nguyen
can you promise me
that you won’t commit suicide.
so there will be a
          slight chance that you’ll
          inhabit my future.
we could do amazing things together.
                    (...make happy memories and
                    have fights that will be made up…)
it’ll be a great story to tell our children—
          (a great story indeed).
i promise that you’ll be satisfied—
          (you’ll be satisfied).
i don’t care about the hugs and kisses.
                    (...that’s not love…)
          (definitely not love.)
love is being with who makes you happy.
          (you make me very happy).
i promise that you’ll be happy—
          (i’ll make a million promises).
                    (...that will be kept…)
but can you promise that there will be a future.
          for there to be a future,
          you must stay alive.
                    (...don’t die, i love you…)
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