Smile!
It's not so bad!*
Relations today are better than they were fifty years ago!
That's not a consolation because
**Our existence has always been an unfortunate one.

i love all of the words
that are not mine
just as i love all of the people
whom i can never have

i am a cycle of paradoxes
contradictory and scared
i repair the things
that should be left to crumble
and i destroy the things
that were meant to stand

i apologize when i dont mean it
im sorry
(no im not)
the eighth deadly sin twice removed
i have no place

sometimes breathing
is an emotional struggle
so do not send me onto the warpath
because eventually i wont know
if im looking to **** you or myself

im flammable
so dont use your words as gasoline
because you will burn with me

but there are some
funny little things
that you probably shouldnt know
and i probably wouldnt tell you

like how i cant look at
sunflowers
because they really arent
happy

or how certain names seem
too heavy for me
to wrap my tongue around

there are some funny little things
that shouldnt matter
but somehow they do

like how my taste for rootbeer
turned sour
when a boy who loved rootbeer
broke my heart

or a certain song on my playlist
has gone silent for years
but still takes up 4 megabytes on my phone

there are some funny little things
that i hate to acknowledge
as important
because i dont want them to be

but yet
somehow
some way
they are too important
to let go of

Reverting back to my teenaged years
I pressed a razor into my thigh

I liked the way the blood
Mixed with the raspberry & vanilla
Suds in the bathtub
To make this ombré
Of maroon fading
To peach

My brain's been itchy
For weeks

I am overwhelmed
And imaginaing
The bathtub
With no bottom

Drowning
In a ceramic hole
That leads nowhere

My body
Wrapped
In
Raspberry
And Vanilla
Soap suds,
And my hair
Wet
And long
Between my
Shoulder blades

I wanna be
As pretty
As the ocean,

A perfect shade
Of baby blue,
With navy
And purple
Accents
In the deepest
Spaces

And I wanna be
Just as infinite
As the ocean,
Incomprehensible
To the modern
Human mind,

Everlasting
& Impossible

Went to take a bath

In a room with no windows

Disappeared
Without a trace

And no one will ever know
The bottom is an illusion

There is so much more
Beneath,
To dive in
Or die in

my mind
UNRAVELS
and lands here
At the brink
Of reality
And delusion

And I stay here
Because it's easy

And it's kinda silly

And no one is angry,

Not even me

But eventually

The water
Runs cold
And I start to feel
My
Heart beat
In my finger tips

And as I take the trip
Back to my body
I dread the dizziness
I know is waiting
On the other side

Cause I cut too deep
And now I have to
Explain myself
In the back of
An ambulance

And,
And,
And,
"Morgan,
Aren't you too
******* old for this?"

Oh,
How I'm homesick
Homesick
Inside of myself

You are amazing.
You are more than the pain
More than the loneliness
More than the desperation.
You are more than their looks
More than their stares
More than Autism, Mitochondria Disease,
More than the seizures.
You are you
Which is enough.

Tired of feeling broken
Tired of feeling helpless
Tired of looking at myself
And feeling stupid
Tired of feeling abandoned
Tired of feeling like a waste of space.
Just need to breathe
Focus on the positives
And keep going.

We get told that Slavery was a lie
I’m crying on the inside
Because on the outside all you see is my complexion
But as Kendrick Lamar says, “Complexion don’t mean a thing.”
Learn from this
I’m not one to miss
There are so many like me
That get lost in the abyss
Of hatred
Of Racism
Of ignorance-of pride
I’m done getting tossed to the side
My feelings are relevant
They’re not fantasy
I just don’t understand why you can’t see-
Scratch that I do
Y’all don’t want to admit
That I’ve caught up to you
I know I’m the ****
You don’t want to hear the fact that you’re wrong
Ignoring a person’s struggles is making the white man strong
He wants this! He wants my pain
He feeds off my struggle, my cries for help are in vain
I try to ask for but get pushed aside
For the next black person to stand in line
Our feelings are legitimate
They’re like a covenant
Between what I want and what is now
Now we have black boys and girls slaughtered like cows
We don’t matter to this country
Our lives are dark matter
That’s why we chant “Black Lives Matter!”
Please just listen
I don’t know how much more I can take
I need someone to understand
That blacks are a dying race
Our culture’s being taken, assimilated
While millions of us are incarcerated-
Please listen!
I don’t know how much more I can take.

What should I do?

What should I...

What should...

What?

My heart is constricted
By an emptiness
I can't shake.