It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

with all this work around me i start to wonder
when will i collapse?

collapse from the sleepless nights from too much worrying
collapse from the hours of homework that fill my days
collapse from the procrastination i can't cure myself of
collapse from the stress of all my commitments that haven't even started yet
collapse from the expectations that nobody has set upon me
but from the expectations that i put on myself.

collapse from all the love and support from my family and friends
because i never thought anyone could care this much about me.

i want to scream and shout that this much love in my life is so hard to feel grateful towards when my thoughts are constantly turning and wondering
when will i collapse?

-  a.g.

when someone sees your scars or cuts, do they really see?
do they see the metal pain, or do they see the physical pain?

when someone sees your blade do they see the metal that scars your skin, or do they see the words that scar your skin?

when someone sees your tears do they see your sadness, or do they see the demons running around your head causing pain where they step?

when someone sees your progress do they see you using coping skills and no cuts on your wrists, or do they see the feelings you fake and the cuts on your thighs instead?

my mind is a chaotic place
demons and witches run free
no order inside of me.

nothing really makes sense right now
i can't see clearly out of my tear stained eyes
with bags drooping low underneath them.

the only thing i can count on is the future.
the future will be better.
it will get better.
i will be better.
the future is not within my horizon but its presence is always near
and i can tell that everything will start to make sense in the future
the future will be better.
it will get better.
i will be better.

all i have to do now
is wait.

- a.g.

Socializing is like driving
Some go a lifetime without learning how to do it