too much feeling
too much hiding
way too many fake smiles
invisible to the naked eye.
go ahead and shatter my skull
break my bones
i'll lend you the hammer.
because, darling
this is nothing compared to the hurricane of contradictions in my head.
i have a war zone that's burning itself alive.
so break me down
with your words and sharp tongue
maybe i'll build myself back up
if i'm feeling bored.
because no matter if i'm still broken
or i'm restoring my fractured pieces
the outside,
will always remain the same.
unpierced
and untouched
still smiling through the pain.

- a.g.

Are you okay?
Are you alright, are you fine, are you good?
Are you adequate, are you decent?
Are you emotionally stable, sleeping without crying, smiling because you want to?
Are you breathing without questioning, are you waking up without trying, are you eating without throwing up?
Are you reading this poem right now and thinking no?
Are you thinking for the first time, will I ever be okay?

You will be okay.
You will be alright, you will be fine, you will be good.
You will be adequate, you will be decent.
You will be emotionally stable, you will sleep without crying, and smile for the happiness blooming inside of you.
You will breathe without questioning, you will wake up to a new day, you will eat easily
You
are going to be okay.
So please smile sunshine
It’s a fine new day
To be okay :)

- a.g.

“table for five please!”
long ago,
life was simple.
we were happy
and everything was happy
and life was good.

but nothing is forever.
and we could not remain this way.

“table for four please!”
not that quite long ago,
we were alright
and everything was okay
and life was decent.
we were incomplete.
but still doing
just
fine.

now,
we are not at our best.
and nothing seems to be working out.
and life isn’t all too great.

but it will be okay.
as i know, everyday,
we continue to yearn
for that table of five.

but for now
i guess we can make some new memories
and hopefully feel happy
once again,
with this table for three.

walking around i seek
the first time where i feel truly me.
out from the shadows, at last emerging
the suns sweet rays surging
with the energy i feel,
and begin to feel real.

- a.g.

beauty is what she craves to find
when she searches the mirror for an answer.
and an empty answer always requires
a need for one

she tells me now that those happy pictures were empty smiles of self hatred and pain.
she says how this is how it has been.
i think of all the nights where i cried over my troubles.
i think of all the nights she was probably suffering along with me.
if i could see what she was thinking when i asked if her day was okay,
there would be essays of
no
no
no.

- a.g.

i look down to a knife plunged in my chest
my heart lays elsewhere
wrung out and lifeless.
how, can i be expected to breathe
when there were never lungs to support me.
how, can i be expected to breathe
when i'm burning on the inside out.

- a.g.

a whispered secret
a knowing glance
a random laugh
a hidden joke

i know i wasn’t there
but i swear it wasn’t my fault
so please stop making me feel
so freaking left out.

i’d rather be with you
and i know it doesn’t seem like much
but
a shaky streaks
a liked photo
a viral tweet
a funny video
thanks for giving me a reason
to give in to all this fomo.

my mind is a chaotic place
demons and witches run free
no order inside of me.

nothing really makes sense right now
i can't see clearly out of my tear stained eyes
with bags drooping low underneath them.

the only thing i can count on is the future.
the future will be better.
it will get better.
i will be better.
the future is not within my horizon but its presence is always near
and i can tell that everything will start to make sense in the future
the future will be better.
it will get better.
i will be better.

all i have to do now
is wait.

- a.g.

happiness occurs to me in little chunks now.
the tiny things in life are giving me a smile.
a long text message from a friend to cheer me up.
having a good day.
feeling happy.
genuine, real, smiles.

i can't help but feel so guilty when i'm happy.
like all my pain and suffering is being replaced with a fake smile
i try to say no.
that i can be happy while i'm sad.
but i still feel guilty
for feeling this way.

- a.g.

today,
i am finally giving up the lie i hide behind.
an intricate labyrinth of webs spun by my fast fingers and rapid mouth.
i,
am a hypocrite.

my life is a series of encouraging the ones i love to the best of my ability.
doing the most i can to boost their morality,
showing them their self worth,
proving to them that they,
are amazing.
and that they,
will be okay.
but who can preach about all of these things,
when they themselves are a liar.
when they themselves can't even stand to look in the mirror
because of the disappointment they know they'll find.
when they themselves are telling other people that they are extraordinary, reminding them how much you love them,
when you don't even love yourself.
you don't even like yourself.
and the only thing keeping you down on the ground
is because you would never want to hurt the ones you love.

it's easier to tell other people all these wonderful things that you see in them
but have never seen within you.

- a.g.

time is a funny thing.
i've convinced myself that the life i'm living right now,
will barely matter in the next 10 years.
every small setback i ever face,
is merely a small blip in this universe of my worries.

there is a quote that i once heard half a million lifetimes ago that i think about almost every day.
it says, "every time you think what you're facing will be the end of the world, stop and think to yourself for a moment, in five years, will this matter?"
and i would like to say that i live by this quote,
and i do,
but sometimes,
life will get to me.
sometimes a missing homework assignment will feel like the end of the world.
sometimes my audition feels like it will be the end of me.
sometimes the tiniest, or seemingly biggest, obstacles seem like an impossible block in my life.
i know that my hours spent doing homework and trying to keep up with my schedule will be nothing.
i know that everything will get better.
i know that i will be okay.

but i simply can't believe that right now.  

- a.g.

i know we haven’t talked
i know it’s been a while
i know that it’s kinda my fault
but i still miss you
i miss your fast talking and crazy stories
i miss your dyed hair and red arms
i really, really miss you
i miss our hangouts before class
i miss our planned birthday parties
i miss our ranting about how mean our friends were
i really, really, really miss you
i miss your old car with the cupcake sticker
i miss your loft bed and starbursts from math class
but most of all
i miss us

- a.g.

"goodbye for now."

goodbye is a funny word
for it has no time limit
of permanent
or temporary.

i knew i could handle this.
three weeks isn't that long
and i've been through worse.
but it's the little moments that make me miss you even more.

i miss you when we finish playing and i am left waiting for the page to turn.
i miss you when i instinctively turn around to see if i'm ahead of you in spanish.
i miss you when sammy complains about not being able to see the board and i don't hear someone else going "same" and throwing up sarcastic peace signs.
i miss you when your name goes on the board for missing another quiz.
i miss you whenever someone mentions how cute their dog is.
i miss you when i accidentally open your locker instead of vio's, and i am left staring at the ghost of an empty shell of a person.

it's the little things that make your heart ache a little more.

- a.g.

Santa Fe, Texas
May 18, 2018

welcome to America.
where there had been 11 school shootings before
the end of january of 2018.
welcome to America
where the mentality of the attacker
is the problem,
and not the system.
welcome to America
where a 17 year old Pakistani girl was killed in her school
among 9 other beautiful souls.
welcome to America, Sabika
which was greeted to you nearly six months ago
where you arrived in the "land of hopes and dreams"
to learn and grow and achieve.
welcome to America
the country that showed promise from the looming Taliban threats in Karachi, your hometown.
welcome to America
the country that you were going to help save Pakistan
by building stronger US - Pakistan relationships
and showing women empowerment by being
(possibly) the second female prime minister of Pakistan.
never again would you watch fireworks explode in the sky on August 14
never again would you count up your money on Eid
never again would you eat your mom's biryani on a hot summer day.
welcome to America, Sabika Sheikh
your hopes and dreams were alive and floating
in the land you gave your heart to
and the land that would take it away.

- a.g.

i need a reason to believe my
"friends"
haven't given up on me.
i need a reason to understand why i am so unlikable
i need a reason to know why i'm always the last pick
with better
kinder
prettier
people always climbing over me.
i need a reason to understand where my qualifications for being considered "worth it"
went wrong.
i need a reason for the endless feelings of loneliness and isolation.
i need some solid substantial evidence that can help explain why the second i start trusting someone
they seem to forget about me.

is this paranoia?
is this a normal situation my mind is altering?

is this reality?
is this the way it has to be?
with being last and being left out and simply not being enough to be
included?
if this is the way it is going to be,
please just give me a reason why.

- a.g.

i don’t love everyone i meet
but i do love all the food i eat

- a.g.

i've been feeling too many feelings lately and most of the time when that happens i end up writing something but i can't think of anything that could possible convey the chaos i'm feeling right now.

- a.g.

i’m actually kind of okay right now and i hope this feeling lasts.

- a.g.

love it when the universe keeps destroying my will to live

also not really a poem #2 has officially been proven wrong

10/10 recommend that feeling of not being at your 100% so your friends get bored of you and leave you

- a.g.

what up it’s your m.i.a girl back it again
bc i’m feeling very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do

:/

i need to stop panicking about the future because i saw something that said worrying about something that won’t happen is just putting you through that worrying twice and it’s not healthy

but guess what i’m still doing it anyways yeet

sorry i need help thanks for sticking around till the end and honestly at this point just message me like hey how ya doin

wow i haven’t been on this site in 5ever but i’m reading my old poems and why was so emo man like i’m pretty sure my life wasn’t even this bad what.

one, two, three
one, two, three
one, two, three
i count the seconds that pass by me
floating away
into the unknown
there is a scene laid out in front me
with the actors and actresses taking their places
i am simply a side character
watching the plot unfold
some friends besides me
a couple of laughs drift away in the distance
they escape my grasp
i can’t seem to touch anything

everything is too perfect, too good, too scripted
everything is right in front of me
life is awaiting ahead
not even an inch away
yet it’s not real
i’m not real
i can’t feel real.

- a.g.

She wears a mask of steel around her face,
That one can never break,
She stashes her feelings behind her smile,
But to discover them would be worthwhile,
She seems fine on the outside,
While she pushes her emotions aside
Onto the platter of feelings that drowns
Beside the superficial wearing crown,
When she just wants to scream
This isn’t the real me

This mask developed over time
From the harsh words she was forced to mime,
The feelings that she had within,
Came about her thick buckskin
No longer can the feelings break through
Bittersweet tears swept away as her spirit bid adieu

- a.g.

I am sinking.
I am sinking into a whole of darkness,
Where all around me is dark
And black
And people.
People who are moving and smiling and waving.
Hoping to carry on their energy into me,
Giving their best and hopes and wishes in their “I’m so sorry”,
Striving for their positive auras to infiltrate into mine.
But I’m still sinking.
And worrying and stressing and stretching and pulling at my limits,
Which have already broken and fallen in shards,
Long ago.
I sink and sink and watch as the hands above are reaching to pull me out.
Sometimes arms and legs and everything they can do to reach to me.
But I can’t pull myself up.
So there I sink by myself.
But persuading the minds around me that the depth of my troubles,
Is on the ground they stand on.
And I’m fine,
In their minds.
But simultaneously putting on the greatest show of all,
The persona of happiness.

- a.g.

with all this work around me i start to wonder
when will i collapse?

collapse from the sleepless nights from too much worrying
collapse from the hours of homework that fill my days
collapse from the procrastination i can't cure myself of
collapse from the stress of all my commitments that haven't even started yet
collapse from the expectations that nobody has set upon me
but from the expectations that i put on myself.

collapse from all the love and support from my family and friends
because i never thought anyone could care this much about me.

i want to scream and shout that this much love in my life is so hard to feel grateful towards when my thoughts are constantly turning and wondering
when will i collapse?

-  a.g.

why am i so unlikeable
why is everything i do a mistake
why do i feel so alone
why can't i be happy
why am i feeling sorry for myself
why can't i
why am i
why didn't i
why don't i
why won't i
why
why
why.

why do i continue to live this life.

- a.g.