You know that old saying
"Actions speak louder than words"?
Well, I've learned to observe
the behavioral patterns
of when our conversations
become a burden.

I am a professional at
reading the signs
of unamused eyes
and you just stare
right through me.

I guess that is fair play.

After all, I used to say
too much
and you cared
when you could.

Foolish of me to think there would
ever be a middle.

We left on words
misunderstood
and nothing more
would follow.

You had a boundary
that I overlooked.

I guess
"hello"
was all
it
took.

Most days, I want to get away.
Most day I do not know what to say.
Still, I try.
Sometimes I even
do too much.
The line is always blurred to me.
Maybe that is why I am always
crossing it.
I respect people's boundaries.
The biggest problem;
I do not respect my own.
I give,
a lot.
There are some pieces of me
I will never get back.
They say you live and you learn.
I would like to say that the lessons are
sticking.
And as that big hand keeps on
ticking-

I realize that there is,

still,


so much time.

There will always be
too little
or too much

and perfection
will always be
subjective.



My advice;




learn the rules,
then,


do what pleases you.

My death will be liberating.

And I do not say that in the sense
that I am going to find a cliff
and take a good jump off.

No.

I am just trying to find a
clever way to tell you

that I do not know what is going
to happen next.

You see,

there is a
fine line
between
dreaming and
mortality

and

I am finding out for myself
that being in love
does not always
involve

being awake.

And for my sake
I fall in love with daydreams,
nightmares,
hazy realities
and

the hung-over idea

of not being enough.

It is all out of my hands.
                 It is all out of time.

And the only thing I have left to do,
now,


is decide.

Those that lack compassion will never
utilize their second chances
and I am not saying this to be romantic
I am just letting you know what is true;

the only difference between

love &
        hate
                is

what you see inside of you.

It has been five months since we have talked last
and I have come to the conclusion that

I was wrong.

There is nobody left for me to blame anymore.

I have come to terms with the fact that
I acted like a child and that my behaviour
was toxic.

I understand,
now,
why our situation
ended up this way
and
that the reason for all
of this distance
was

my own unforgiving misery.

You see,
I tried to convince you to love me.

My ego made way
for my downfall
and
at the end of the day
all I can say
is that-

I do not blame you for not bothering to call.

Truth be told,
you probably did not want to hear my voice
and when it came to picking up the phone;
I probably did not even have the *****.

I was a small man acting in
selfish ways
wondering why
someone as
right as rain
would not give me
the time of day.

I labelled your innocence
as ignorance
when I was the one
in denial,
all alone.

And all along the time
I had chased after you-

I had lost sight of what I wanted to become.

Some people live purgatory lives;
they dance with the invitation
of death
just long enough
for the moment
to become romantic
then they usher the
entire idea
right out the door
as if being
friends
with the end
is an easy way
to pretend

they cannot
         go at any moment.

Some people chase
   the idea of death
so much
they forget to
do something
as simple
yet profound
as live.

We spend every day
repeating cycles
and trying to make
our routines
perfect
then remain
frustrated at

     everyone and ourselves

for not being able to get this fluctuating life right

yet-

I am learning that getting it right
takes doing it wrong
more than
quite a few
times

and

that is simply something neither you or I can be ashamed of.

We cannot substitute the lessons
that failure and patience bring us-
all we really can do is
face our hardships
with limited understanding
and obtain what we can
from our moments of misery.

I am finding more and more
         that myself
  lingers in those moments
and I am beginning to appreciate
the days
I spend
catching
       bleek
          & subtle
                     glimpses
           of what I can

become.

You see,
I used to fear my own presence.
Shake my head at my own sight.
Be disgusted with my thoughts
and ruin my existence.

I used to do all of these things because I felt
helpless.
I was not the person taking charge
      for my life.
I was not the person owning responsibility
for their actions.
I was not the person acting on their decisions
although the choices were petrifying.
I was not that kid because

I DID NOT YET UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF.

I had yet to find the opportunity in my failures.
I had yet to see the potential in my flaws.
I had yet to understand that there are twenty-four hours
in a single day
and we can own every single one of them
when we are not focused on defeat.

And that sounds a little extreme at first,
I know,
but if I can convince you of anything today-

please do not be afraid of change.

Welcome it with open arms and be prepared for
your entire life to get uncomfortable
when you start being honest with the world
and most importantly-
yourself.

I have let go of so much heartache
from no longer pretending I am okay.

I have let go of so much anxiety
from not allowing others to hold
their expectations over me.

I have let go of so much depression
from standing up for myself
because I was sick of the world
telling me NO.

I have let go of so much
useless negativity
and have said goodbye
to so many friends
and relatives
because
choosing compassion
over what they took from me
always kept me on
the better course;

a step ahead
when they were looking behind
and reflecting
by the time
they could realize
intuition wins.

but I guess depending on which way you are looking at it-
all of this is just bragging of course.

So I will never mind you
if you are not listening.

I will forgive you
when you come around.

BUT IF YOU ARE LISTENING LOUD,
HERE RIGHT NOW-

know that I am too.

And for every dream you are chasing-

    it is chasing after you.





Thank you.