I can't bury you
Nor can I heal;

In my veins,
In my soul.

I had a dream about you.
Tears were dancing slowly down your face.
You didn't have to tell me
I knew you were hurt.

It wasn’t over something I did.
But rather, what I didn't do.
Felt helpless seeing you upset.
Poised, but about to fall apart.

I was taken aback
When you didn't storm off.
Instead, you came forward
And wrapped your arms around me.

Laying down with me
You settled your head across my chest.
Breathing starting to ease
While I ran my fingers through your hair.

It wasn't until you fell asleep
Quietly in my arms
Did I suddenly wake up.
And you weren't there.

A forgotten yawn, and I take another drink.
My road to redemption is just the same. Forgotten.
I look up and watch the placid skies above.
I make a sudden lurch out of my seat, and leave.

No, I don't think
It was selfish of you
At all.

You were just
Following your heart.
While I was denying mine.

I wish I had fought for you
As hard as you
Fought for me..

You've made so many enemies
With so many wolves.

All because you chose
To shun one of them away.

They don't even know your name,
But they bare their teeth all the same...

What did you expect? 
I am not here for you. 
If anything, 
I am here to watch you fall. 

And when you are ready 
to stand back up,
I will be the one 
kicking you back down.
Taste the blood
Inhale the dirt.
Feel the burn. 
And close your eyes. 
So I don't have to.

This body
Also known as a vessel
Simple in design
- Impractical

Flawed from the beginning
In constant search of
what it can't have
Never pleased

Itching
Always scratching
the surface
But never breaking through

Dare
We ever reach
what we want
And death ensues.

And here I lay
Listening to the same
God. ****. song..
Fighting back tears..
For the one person I wish
Was standing next to me tonight
Is most certainly locking lips
Holding on tightly
To someone else
Because they were ready.
They didn't have any shell
To cast off like I do.
They didn't need someone
To give them a hand
And help them up to their feet.
Not a question in my mind
You went to sleep tonight nuzzled
Deep in their chest
Peacefully asleep
Knowing you were loved.

And here I am
Wondering how long
Would it take
For a heart to break
From just enough broken heartstrings.
For I've lost count
As to how many
******* chords were struck
And they all sang
Such a mournful melody
Wishing they were no longer struck
With such promise.
Only to break..
Over... and over again..

This is what happens when you try to play with matches.

Can't light anything
Without burning down
What's not yours.

I would loved to see
The kind of fire
We would have started..

Feels as if you were also
Intrigued
By what could have been.

But the fires you've already made
It seems,
Cannot be put out..

We were burned before we could even strike the first match.

"Can we do something for each other?
Sort of a pact....
I feel like I don't have to say this
Since we are how we are but....
I look at relationships in a different light.
More meaningful, more energetic,
More open, more direct, more vulnerable
Than any "relationship" I've ever previously experienced
Or have seen others experience.
When I said I'd be your girlfriend,
It may as well meant wife as well
Because that's how I am
And thats what you will receive.
Too often you see people miserable,
Argue, possess, slander, abuse etc.
I don't want any of that with you.
So can we agree
To never keep thoughts or feelings from one another,
Good or bad....
Never speak to each other
Out of our name,
Never low blow,
Never raise our voice,
Humans will always disagree
But I plan to fully handle myself and emotions
With Tact, Self Control, Discipline, Respect
And Grace.
I will always support growth and understanding
And I promise to give you my best.
I believe we are both very capable of all of this. 
And it will keep us both happy and healthy."




....... close to a year ago and I still remember reading these words for the first time.

I'm so sick of waiting as the seconds slip on by.
Most of my life centers on waiting for other people.
My eyes have rested staring at the floor waiting for my name.
Being held up for whatever reason.
Remembering the past to the point the present doesn't really matter.
I don't see the future. I don't put forth that kind of effort.
People tell me all the time that I have all this opportunity
Inside I feel certain that I have missed out entirely.
This existential crisis constantly shifts its form.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of the metaphors.
Sick of the frustrations.
Sick of myself.
I'm tired of everything I have been drowning in.

I want to say **** everyone. At least to those who have left me scarred.
And trust me, there are plenty of them.

The songs from years ago
That used to pull
So ******* my heart strings..

The same ones that left me
Gasping for air thinking about you
And what could have been......

The same beautifully sad songs that left
So many holes
In my chest......

Are nothing more than beautifully sad songs.
I no longer feel my world
Collapsing in on itself anymore.

Another night..
Another needless reminder
Of how damaged I came to be.
There's no chance of living a human life.

The same irreverent breathing
Just won't stop (me) while I sleep.
Another graceful sunrise I face
Means I have to deal with one more day of strife.

The hardest dose of
You don't know
What you have
Till it's gone

It couldn't be
Anymore
Painful
To swallow

The ringing hasn't stopped
Even though it's all silent now

Eyes are weary from the lights.
Back is aching from every embracement.  

The only person I looked forward to seeing
Didn't show up tonight.

Slightly numb. I wonder
If you even remember my name. My face...

I wish I could lock lips with you.
I wish I could simply love you.

Screen is cracked.
Just happened the other day.

But my heart has been like this
For some years now.

Someone else asked for my number tonight.
Despite her apparent beauty I told her not to bother.

"I am just an empty vessel.."
They seemed appalled. But I just shrugged.

I've been told before
How big of a heart I have

But as I've done before
I just shrug off all the worthless comments.

No need to flatter me
With empty words.

I'll never see you again.
And I'm OK with it.

Showering in torrents of confusion.
Bones breaking beneath the guilt.
******* regret consuming the very
Morals I thought meant something.

Were my motives unclear
Even to me?
Only I am to blame
For yielding to my mental state.

I can't even trust myself.

I can't even love myself.

I don't even know myself.

Whose eyes are those in the mirror?

Life can never be this easy.
It is not something you press play
And sit back and listen to..
Life is so much more than that.

The tears.. the small breaths of air..
Her eyes looking back up at you.

There is never a chance of return
There is only one path
Maybe not in one direction
But who would want their life pointed out to them?

Her hands trembling as you take them
into your own

I have held on for so long
To thoughts and feelings
That I have longed to have returned
..... It's just as easy to cry now as it was then.

She doesn't want you to
But she doesn't turn away as you lean in.

As with any living thing
Time carefully breaks us down
Until we are left naked
Before the burning sun

And with one last kiss.. one painful and burning touch of her lips on mine
There is only one word that breaks this moment in time....

Goodbye.

Dear god, he's so sweet! Too sweet in fact.
I don't even have to be sultry, or bat my lashes with this one.
I knew I had him when I noticed his glance
As we passed each other earlier.

He's quick too! Of course, I get told all time how pretty I am,
But they all start to flush when I tell them that's not so.
He may be quick, but he's also too quick to hand out his trust.
I know better than to do that!

He so stiff sitting like that.
He'll relax the longer I lean into him.
So still.. Normally they get courageous by now.
Better be careful, I may start to like him.

I can tell he's enjoying the attention.
Seems like he's starving for it deep down
The way he talks so openly to me.
Cute.

"I've only had two or three girlfriends."
"Two or three?"
"Well, I guess one month doesn't count as a relationship."
I don't find it hard to believe this kid.

"Better be careful," He says after a pause.
With genuine curiosity I look up at him
"I'm starting to like you."
Don't think I've met a more honest guy in my **** life!

I almost melted in satisfaction, and got ever more cozy in his arms
Right after giving him a hard kiss on the cheek -just in front of his ear.
That gave him the dumbest grin I think he's ever had.
Or will ever have.

Feeling his chest rise and fall as I lay against it almost reminds me of…
He feels so strong too.. Just like..

Stop it! I'm not here to bring back stupid memories.
He may be sweet, but every guy's the same in the end.
They all wind up leaving more than marks
On your heart and on your face..

Finally pulled his arm over my shoulder- hand nearly on my breast
Just take the bait for god's sake!
This nice guy **** can only take you so far
Gonna need some action sooner than later.

Must have been two weeks since my last romp.
****, I'm so hungry..
I wish he would just take me back to his place already..
I'm starting to get bored now.

What *****! Actually leaned in
And kissed me on my cheek
Maybe this isn't a bust after all.
"Sorry." Soon escaped his lips. - Bust.

He's too innocent. Shame.
What a ******* shame!
He could've absolutely taken me
Bent me over... anything! But.. (sigh)

He's still warm though.
I can sit here for a little longer.
But sadly, I'll be sleeping in a cold bed tonight.
Tomorrow may bring someone with more promise.

If we must suffer
Why not choose how we suffer?

I knew as soon as my emotions
Began stirring
Talking to you
What was bound to happen

This is how I choose to suffer.

It will hurt, yes.
But wounds heal.
With what fleeting time I have with you
If suffering is the cost... where do I sign?

Never before could I open up
To someone I immediately gravitated towards.
With you all those troubles, worries, and anxieties
They don't have such a hold over me anymore.

Again, this is how I choose to suffer..

What I think is special
When we say our goodbyes
We will part with much less Emptiness inside
Than when we first met.

Life is suffering.


...And I will suffer well..

Not exactly proud of it
Just don't have the time

No teeth or claws
Nothing really but hunger

Not begging or choosing
Just desperate for something to eat

And when we find something, anything
It becomes disgusting.

But we don't care
We don't have a choice
It's not like we will get to see
Another day

So we feed.

And we feed..

..Teeth against the pavement..
Clenching down..
On broken off pieces
..Lips pierced by new shapes..

I didn't like my smile before..
Appreciated what I had though..
Seeing the colour spill
From my lips, it's embarrassing.

Stand back up.
******, get your face out of the dirt

This day isn't over.

I've been bruised all over.

Had my shoulder torn out of place

Ribs cracked from a solid blow.

My brow split open. Didn't even notice it.

Found myself out-numbered once, and stood my ground.

I've come across pain plenty, but I have rarely felt hurt.

Hurt doesn't come in the form of conflict.

It comes in through words.

Words are what hurt.

I've fallen to my knees because of words.

I have felt my whole world sink from the sheer weight of what's been said or what has been left in writing.

Words have left me in tears.

Words have left me gasping for air...

Words can leave their own scars if they cut deep enough.

....So does Silence..

Dark clouds overhead on this warm summer evening
Makes the green on the trees bold and heavy.
The contrast of the pale yellow skies make the clouds almost black and seething.

A slowly approaching monolith with its tendrils uncoiling. Silently.
Reaching out.

Those Teeth and Talons buried deep into me
Whatever they belong to has itself planted to the ground.
Almost anticipating the coming storms.
Seems whatever is holding onto me
Is ready to weather what comes my way.

Despite what I've known about them this whole time.. maybe it's here for me.
Am I crazy to think this?

Whatever storm comes into view
Surely they can't tear me away.

I can feel a wind pick up.
The air getting cooler.
And the hair on my neck stands up on end.
A deep slow rumble breaks the silence.

They're not sinking in,
But they are holding fast..
Those **** Teeth and Talons



.....Bring on the deluge..

As the river tempts you to cross over
back to safety
You simply are swept away
towards the many mouths of the crocodiles.

You were called to fight
You were raised for combat
You scurry with your tails tucked under.
Instead of wiping blood from your hands you scrape tears off your face.

The current stands above your heads now
Shields and spears are carried downstream
As you all grasp for retreat
Only to see your hands disappear in the mouth of Sebek.

Your brothers are disgusted.
You've embarrassed your family names
You call yourself men.
Instead of honour you cemented a legacy of shame

A final cough.
The last bit of ***** escapes my lips…
Doesn't matter how much I drink.
Thoughts of you still linger

When I stumble to my car
When I veer towards home
When I finally trip onto my bed…

No matter how far I travel
Your face.. your smile..
Is right behind me.

I can't even give the next one a chance
When your ghost still haunts me..
Seven years later
And I still dream of chasing you.

Only to wake up when there's no hope left
In catching up to you.

I eat the dead..
I carve up the pieces
I sink my teeth into
What. Once. Was..

Sometimes I hesitate,
But I cannot stop
This hunger that seethes
Deep down inside..

Clawing from within
Demanding I appease
Its voracious needs
And uncontrollable hatred

I've become something
I wish not to be.
No one can have sight
Of this display of submission.

Deep down there is but only one fear..
Never finding my next victim.
Unable to consume their flesh.
Thus I must consume my own.

It doesn't really change anything.
I can't purge myself of this.
Even if I were to forgive and forget
I strip away all that I am.
Without any of these vices
burns, scars, grudges
I have nothing left.

I have nothing left.
All my life I have let myself
be consumed with what hurts me.
Don't be like me.

Open casket
Skin looks plastic
Eyes are broken
No emotion

He stares at nothing
Yet we're staring at him
If I was being rude
He would have told me.

Now they must bury him
He doesn't want to go like this.
But no one will listen if you don't say something.
Everyone is sentenced to death... even if they are innocent.

Reservation had me firmly seated.
Curiosity got me leaning forward.
Discovery took hold of my hand.
Enthusiasm rang in my ears.
Excitement and Joy had me laughing.
Nerves sent ripples across my body.
Jitters and Eagerness held me as lips locked.
Elation shortly follows as a sincere smile is recognized..
Adventure sits in the seat next to me as I drive home..
.. Confusion turns out all the lights...
Silence keeps me lost.. for days..
Worry leaves a chill I can't shake.
Anxiety wraps its hands around my throat.
Depression floods my lungs.
Eventually.... Anger erupts.

-
One word I don't bother using.
Not to imply that it is of no value..
When I do carry it and say it, well
You know I mean it.

The end of a Chapter.
One which you wrote the last page of.
Every word of it
Cut so deep.
No shred of malice.
No, just the truth.
All of it.
Truths I already knew. And some
Kept out of sight for far too long.
I finished reading
Felt my world tremble
And sobbed heavily in the arms of a close friend.
Lost my voice by the end of the night.
I lost considerably more than that
By the end of this Chapter.

You came into view
And I couldn't hold back the tears.
I embraced you with everything I had.

There wouldn't be much time if any.
I knew I was dreaming,
And I desperately wished I wouldn't wake up.

My sobbing turned to tremors.
And yet you were calm.
At peace.

Felt like you knew I needed to see you again.
To tell me it was okay you were not here anymore.
The tears still burn my face as I write this all down.

Separating the tongue from mind
I stand looking outward into the ocean night

There is nothing really I can say
Just listen

The waves look more like creatures
The longer I stare into them.

Inhaling the salt ridden air
As a soft breeze slips by

For once..
I don't care

The choir rang out and filled the halls with a hollow note
There voices were merely a dull hum in the background

Kneeling and looking past my reflection against the marble floor
Almost in a meditative state I welcomed the vacuity I found myself in

It was not until the second time did I realize
Drops of rain water were tapping me on the neck

I was positioned directly under a crack in the basilica's ceiling.
Even in a sanctuary I could not escape what awaited me outside.

Found it quite fitting, actually.
Even though I am inside my life is still being rained on.

There is no voice trailing in my mind..
I'm lost in this....
What a catastrophe
I have become nothing more

Shifting in and out
Crawling
Spills out my mouth
This colour I don't want to see

A wall of anger
Pushes me
Farther away
From what I need

I like to think sometimes
the stars are looking down at us.
Thinking to themselves,
"Man I wish I could walk
where ever I wanted to!"

It seems we all are trying
to make it big and be a star.
Well how do we know
that the stars are not just wanting
.... to be like us?

I embrace them and they bring me relief
I let go of them but not because I wanted to.
They leave their marks all the time. 
Lately the stares have become so awful.

Not always, but often I fall down ready to sleep.

Walking patiently the seconds just spill away
Rust has started to cover my body
But I don't care to brush it off.
It simply tells others 'do not touch'

My friends they are keeping me
Keeping me from leaving
Making me stay with them
I can't move.

I am tired now. 

I won't be waking up.

I will lay down along side of those who comfort me. 

It's funny now... the easiest way to get under my skin is to just be my friend.

How many times
Will I let my heart crack and break
For you?

As many times
As it takes
For you to see you are worth breaking for.

No one should feel shamed to the point of obscurity.
To be unexpectedly torn to pieces by someone you admire
For the sake of self preservation.

When you're thrown under the bus
By someone you thought you could confide in.
-It's humiliating.

Reducing you to a standard below human.
Eyes piercing straight through me
...When she managed to even look my way.

Her features
As beautiful as ever.
Hurt and angry at what she was having to do..

..To me.

Not at all interested
In the dialogue. Didn't care.
I wasn't part of the bigger picture.

I don't blame her.

"Don't you even start."
As my eyes glazed over
With burning tears.

I already couldn't breathe.
"If you start crying,
then I'll start to cry."

All that I knew to say
That she would even believe
As the sheer weight of reality was suffocating me was,

"I'm sorry.

"Sorry I spoke to you two or three years ago.
I never meant to ruin anything
You had with anyone."

"-But you did.."

It amazes me to find I am still standing after what I have done.
This whole time.. I realize I am the one who hurt me the most.

Grains of sand still fall the same as they always have.

What is there left for me? My loved ones are gone. Happy. Dreaming.
I am still here. Spinning. Grieving.

Is this some act of god? If so, when will this punishment end?
When can I look in the mirror and see a familiar face?

For once I don't want to remember.

As beautiful as you were
I couldn't look at you without falling to pieces.

I don't want to remember what you look like.
I don't ever want to find you in my dreams again.