Dreamt I went back in time and found you.
Found you standing just outside the courtyard of school.
I walked up wondering how you would take me.
To my surprise it almost seemed as if you were expecting somebody.
Your smile was big and radiant.
You didn't know who I was, yet you were delighted to see me.
I told you that you may have just met me,
but in another time we actually know each other very well.
Not a trace of concern or suspicion could I find in your eyes.
...You must have known I was coming..
The sun was shining bright.
And your laughter was intoxicating. Even in my dream.
The feeling was fleeting..
For the morning light nudged me out of slumber.

Everyday more and more dead birds litter the road.
Wings bent in odd shapes
Beaks open; ants crawling.


It's such an unpleasant sight.
If only someone told me
If only I was given a second chance....

It doesn't really change anything.
I can't purge myself of this.
Even if I were to forgive and forget
I strip away all that I am.
Without any of these vices
burns, scars, grudges
I have nothing left.

I have nothing left.
All my life I have let myself
be consumed with what hurts me.
Don't be like me.

If I had it my way
I would let the night take over
A slow and patient storm lay quietly outside
Tapping its many fingers against my window.

That way I could catch Sleep crawling into bed
I shall lay down with them and finally recollect
I don't want tomorrow to come just yet.
I have yet to deal with tonight

Ever tell someone you love them?
Holding it in not wanting to rush the thought
Let the word appear on its own
Enjoy what you have

Ever hear that they don't think it's going to work out?
You never saw it coming. A blindside.
They've been feeling this way for some time.
And you never even noticed

If you could shed a bit of light
A glimmer of hope
You tell her
"I love you."

Ever have someone cry because you said that?
Gasping for breath
Her voice echoing against the walls
Her sobs reach into you even through the phone.

I know what eternity feels like
When the one you love doesn't want you to love them.
When they break down, upset over letting this happen.
Her cry echos in my head to this day.

A reflection of myself feels more alive than I'll ever be. 
The solid lines of humility and intent are ever present 
Found only in the eyes looking back at me.
No words need exchange. I know what he is thinking.

I wish there was an easier way of handling it.
To be always tied to a constant current of worry and doubt
provides no time to breathe, relax, and surround myself with
the ones I love.

Because of how I've left myself without a future
I am left stranded. No one to run to. No one to
reach.

Days seem to slip and flick by as they do
on a boring novel. Nothing worth remembering
and nothing really for waiting anxiously for.

The only pieces I remember are the ones that
fell out onto the floor.
I don't think I am even left with a spine anymore
now that I think about it.

I'm almost wishing I could just skip to the end.

How am I suppose to breathe
When air keeps its distance?
How am I suppose to believe
when love runs out of existence?

I am the one
Who must live with
Myself.
Inside there is nothing.

Am I the only one
Who bites till they bleed?

Life is indeed precious
At the same time dispensable.
Just as nature intended.

I am my own crime
I am my own punishment
Thank you Theo for your kind words..
You ****.

How could we
How could you
How could I?
We are already ******.

Remember to say goodnight to your demons,
Goodnight envy
(Goodnight)
Goodnight hatred
(Goodnight)
Goodnight lust....

What happened to us?
Dante would think we lost our minds.
Scoffing and cursing.
Spitting in our faces.
His Inferno is today's Paradiso.

Where is our conviction?
In exile? A black site?
Surely not living amongst us.
We speak as if it doesn't exist.

Repent
Absolve
Proceed
Enlighten

Who is responsible for declaring women as less than?
Why did we not cut his tongue out?

Peace starts when man ends.
Indeed we are the ******* children of Gaia.

I am not the forgiving type.

You expect, after so many years,
You'd receive an open hand.

Don't ever suppose for
That day to crawl forward.

You were cut out of my life
Much like a malignant tumor.

..Motionlessly reduced to a phantom limb..
One that should have stopped moving long ago.

I needn't remind you
How much of a friend you were..

..to me..

Do you remember the first night I sang to you?
When you first laced your fingers with mine?
..Our first kiss?
Do you remember when I knocked on your door with flowers?
Do you remember the first time I handed you a black envelope with a poem written for your eyes only?
The first time waking up with your head on my chest?

I remember... oh so vividly..

Simply put, my actions merely reflect yours.
You may not remember, but that isn't important today.

Reaching out to someone only to have them look crossly
Back at you.....                        Now you know.

Let me make it clear I do not mean you any harm.
And I surely don't mean you any help..

I give in to the hurt so easily.
Seems as if it is all I have ever had as a friend.

Ever present and comforting. I trust it be there whenever it is called upon.

Whenever I look at your photographs
All I see are smiles.
I can't even see the whites of your eyes
You are so caught up in those moments..
..Living..

I wish I knew what that felt like.
Sure, I have a heartbeat.
But it never skips like yours.
It doesn't flutter with excitement
When something special is taking place.

That's because nothing special exists
Not in my world.
My skin doesn't radiate.
My words do not spread hope..
Not like yours.

I can't deny the fact my
Face contorts into what
You may call a smile,
It's only fleeting.
Flickering..

It's useful when you don't want to..
.. intrude.

Ever feel like you just keep
Walking around and not sure
Where you're going?
You start to worry
If you're getting lost when
You bump into someone.
You would have said "excuse me" but
I don't think anybody would be apologizing
To themself.

Sometimes I think if I break... will I spill out?
Memouries and melodies are the only treasures I have. 

Sometimes I dream of falling asleep.
Every morning I face the nightmare of waking up. 

Everyday I must reintroduce myself.
Every night I know I will forget.

Patiently I wait for The day.
Every evening I close my eyes in anguish.

I sleep cold at night. 
I sleep with both eyes open.

Am I just a mistake?
Or have I yet to find myself?

Teethgrinding -I can't stop.
The silence is deafening.

I prefer the lights out at night.
That way I am free to see what I want. 

I wish I knew how to dance
With someone new.

I don't like how the mirror looks at me.
It won't tell me anything, but I can see it in their eyes.

This time the pages just came to life..
A story I didn't think possible...

Heart fluttering
With every page turned.

Hard to believe..
This was really happening...

Waking up to the rhythmic beating
Of a happy heart

Every morning
I was looking forward to reading what comes next.

---------------

...Words began to fade out once again....
...Pages... start to tear.. once again...

Another book on the shelf.
Another story without an ending

I remember the last few words cutting me so deeply.

It's so pleasing to have your breath
Just taken away
When you think that could never happen
Again.

It wasn't obvious in the beginning.
Her face gingerly held in my hand
Lips so pleasantly inviting
...And she didn't stop kissing.....

What a rush..
When I realized I needed
To take a breath.
The euphoria.. wasn't prepared for that.

The kisses kept coming
So sweetly and softly.
...And with a teasing bite of my lip she concluded,
"Now go home."

She must have known not to spoil me
Anymore and I would have had trouble leaving.
Barely-there ripples danced across my skin.
With one more gentle kiss and a quiet smile I had bid her goodnight.

Wake up to the grinding pulse of my heart
Beating erratically
Shallow breathing and tear soaked eyes
Last I remember dreaming I was laying in a pool of blood.

Beautiful surfaces reflecting
The brilliant bright light of day.
Serene landscapes capturing
What may not ever be seen again.

An artist devoted to his work of art.
A lifetime of practice
Stealing
An instant of time in his still life's.

What achievements
They have made
With their craft.
Such a shame

He's only killing himself and others with his masterpieces.

Fossils in the mouth
of heaven
They claw their way out.
Leaping from the ledge
Halos around their neck.
Their remains hang
but their screams descend.

Seems no one can prove me wrong.
And I keep tripping over myself..

Glimmer of hope falsely announces itself
And, of course, my eyes light up at the possibilities..

This time, as always, seems different..
.. As always.. I'm left naked. Vulnerable.

It's difficult for me
To keep my emotions
From running off,
And to keep my troubles
From catching up
When someone like you
Shows up.

Outside beneath the storm
I see clouds taking shape into hands.

These god like masses
I stare at in awe.

Please reach down
Help me up off the ground

Carry me away
And carry me away.

If there ever was a point in time
where two souls converge and meet as one..
_________
 
This is where the story begins.
This moment is so delicate
the scratching of pen on paper
would only scuff the memoury.
 
Sketchings of thought never occurred.
It just pieced together right in front of us.
The calm but anxious tension was there
Sitting in between the two of us.
 
The shadows danced in and out
Merely taunting our eyes with what could be.
Neither expecting an outcome.

Wake up, and turn the morning on.
I watch as the flowers in my yard still slumber.
Put my hands on the back of my head and break a smile.
The pale blue sky smiles back saying, "It's been a while."

Take a ride in my car down to the soft and hazy beach.
Waves applaud my entrance; a never ending ovation.
A casual glance at the birds that pass on by
Never even glimpse in my direction with glass eyes.

Laying down the ocean sings me its lullabies.
The sand buries me with its careful hands.
The tide must be making its way in.
Sweet smell of salt. The ocean winds.

I feel so at peace. Though the day has yet to begin.
The sun catches up with its morning. Rushing.
When the noise starts to break through,
I start to leave.What a beautiful day it was looking to be.

Unknown, "It sounds like the end of the world, but in a completely peaceful way."

Me*, "When that moment comes...
even through all the noise or lack there of...
it will be peaceful.

I don't think we will even remember it."

As the sun approaches the trees gently sway their outstretched arms.
The stars soon decide to call it a day and return home.
As the trees start their days they seem to quietly catch a few songbirds in their palms.
Only the wise Elm trees know how to coax the few birds this winter morning out to sing.
A soft exhale then a quick puff to blow out the lantern is when the day finally starts for me.

The biting air keeps my cup of coffee close to my chest.
Eventually the cool colours blend into the morning skyline.
Watching lazily as my breath begins to disappear
The thought of rebirth comes to mind.... then slips away.

Walking endlessly - without reason
On the moonlit sands of the coast.
Just enough light to make out the horizon
And watch the crush of waves dance around my feet.

It's been too long since I've found myself
Here.. losing my sense of self
And remembering how small
I really, truly am.

And I wish...
With a slow, deep sigh
Oh how I wish..
She was here to share this moment with.

Fingers carefully pressed against the lips
A sign to be still and quiet
She has something in mind
Can't be bothered with your words

Skin tightens when she searches with her
Hands running down and her teeth sinking in.
Eyes rolling back to the top, no matter
How hard you try to look down; you just can't.

Chest rising, falling
Rising, falling
Never can catch your breath when she
Goes on top and takes control.

She holds you down in satisfaction as you
Beg for more. Finally have a chance to
Open your eyes. She is nowhere near
Done with you, the night hasn't even started.

Don't lose yourself.. until she says so.

I have found many
Of whom I remember once envying
I find not the least bit interesting.

Growing up and wishing,
Wanting, yearning to know how
They carried on. Lived.

Comparing myself to everyone
Growing up- I know- is wrong.
For I was never focused on Me.

Now that same focus, finally,
Is without err where it should be.
Until now I couldn't Live.

It took me twenty four years
To understand. I am perfectly
Fine without all the answers.

Even in the face of all your laudations
Almost tear inducing words
It will be so terrible when you find out
What happens next..

Such praise surely would
Have tempted this man from walking off.
At least everyone in their right mind
Would have concurred.

... But that is just not so in the mind
Of someone so bull headed.
So rigid in thought.
So unyeilding in person.

Like any branch
It will let out such
An unnerving snap
When the stress proves too much.

And no one will be ready for it.

"Just another storm outside," she sighed.
The windows quietly rattle
From the distant thunder,
And the panes softly reflect
The obscure taps of raindrops.

The storm is of no importance.
Relaxed, she continues writing
Engrossed in the life
The storm would not shake..
..Nor could it tempt her back..

Her thunder was more marvelous than this storm could ever invoke.

I woke up with the words
"I need help"
falling out of my mouth.

This is bad.
I know I need help.
Now I really need help.

I am without sanctuary..

Such a shame when a bird
Has yet to spread it's wings

Spent it's whole life
Perched on an outreached branch

Every attempt at flight
Means another climb back up the tree.

Eventually the bird will leave it's perch
But not by flight.

Three years.....
That's how long it has been.
Three years ago I knew who you were.
Now, today, I look at you suppressing all the noise
Buried deep inside.
The joy, the pain, the confusion. The hatred.
You look just as beautiful as you ever have. Poised.
Everyone else just falls completely out of focus for me,
but no one knows that. Not even you.
You must think it was all long ago.
I still remember. Everything.
The last three years have been a vacant blur.

It amazes me how I keep it all in when you're here in front of me. Smiling.
I don't know where it is coming from. Or how to take it..
Is it effortless sincerity or a polished and innocuous procedure?
I don't dare ask.

It's not until you walk away after turning back once more for a goodbye
Do I let my eyes flood over.
Do you have any idea? Anything remaining?
Why do I still? That's three years of my life I will never have back.

I would like to see the day..
The day when I am excited
to wake up in the morning.

When dreams are nothing.
Nothing more
Than simple dreams.

Not an escape.

Until then all I want
Is for the sun to sleep
And never wake up.

I've learned never to give my heart away
So easily.

I don't really know
If I ever will again.

Love is nothing more
Than a myth to me.

So is Happiness...

I say this not with joy,
Nor satifaction.

My tears are no longer worth spilling
For anybody else.

You've been appearing in my dreams.
It's the only time I get to see you now.
I remember the last few times
We were together you were hesitant.

Hesitant and anxious
To hold my hand.
Thinking
I would pull away.

In my dreams, it's you
Who pulls away.
I manage to hold your hand
After a gentle effort

Such grace you carry yourself
I'm enthralled...

But I fall apart in your arms.
I can't keep myself together.
Last I remember
We were in each other's embrace.

You took your time calming me
While I was collapsing in your hands.

I wake up
To the heavy and pounding
Beat of my heart.
The silence in the room is too much.

I turn and reach for you.
Wanting to pull you closer
Keeping us together.
But you're no longer here.

It's just me now in this cold and silent room.
Oh, what I would give to wake up
In the middle of the night
With you sleeping soundly against my chest.

My alarm won't be going off
For a few more hours.
And I won't be getting anymore sleep Tonight.

Feeling gravitates beyond that fine line of vision
There's no question where it wants to go
There's only one direction that it takes
And it found its way right to you.

There is something coy about you
That leaves the heart curious for more
I don't know what it could be
But I am more than ready to find out

Revolving in and out of the limelight
Always dancing in between the shadows
One more quick inhale.... and step
..........................................

I gave everything to someone I truly loved.
That I believed in a future with.

A woman that I thought was perfect for me.
I felt I lost everything when I lost her.. For the second time.

I'm much too scared to reach out to her.
Scared anything I say

Will only be used
To cut me down.

I still think about you,
And haven't stopped
Missing you.

I know you're still weathering your storms.
Soon enough
Those clouds will pass.

I've learned enough to know
You've overcome such dark
And heavy clouds before.

As much as I wholeheartedly
Would love to see a relationship
Blossom between us..
I understand that may very well not be in the future.

Simply put, I don't want to see a future
Where you are not in it.
Even if that blossoming only goes as far
As a gentle friendship..

Combusting into green flames
The photographs bleed black smiles.

Fumes inhaled. Stinging the eyes.
A twisted mass of flesh lay on the ground.

Breaking the dark for a moment.
Their hearts slowly shimmer out.

Looking at their faces
It seems they lied.

Crumbling into mere soot
They stare at me no more.