If I could get an instant
A view
A triangle of thought
Of every individual person’s
Version of me
Would the view extend far enough?
Could I finally see
Who I am?

\friday\night straight f i r e
with filmy thoughts of
creating a new s o c i e t y

i have never
     been so c e r t a i n

there is no one
      (for me)

there are many ideas
and theories about
art appreciation,

and what one needs to know
in order to
appreciate a work of art.

it appears to be true
that art can be appreciated
  without knowing
who, what, where, when,
why -
or how.

it is possible to only
have the raw sensory experience
of a thing -
and then to extrapolate (or
not extrapolate)
any further meaning or purpose,
and to just appreciate
a thing for
its semblance and
beauty.

but what happens
when you do
find out the
who, what, where, when,
why -
and how.

what t h e n?


and so it is the same for people.

my whole life
  i’ve wanted to be
a    c y b o r g
all because of
   the dream of (data)
I AM THE BORG
   I AM A CYCLON
I AM THE TERMINATOR
and i am
   | coming | for | you |

you aren't allowing
h e r
to "have her say."

therein
lies the rub.

good at not feeling
and not thinking about you
if i slip
heart thuds
light dims
i hear our low voices
the music floating
the air is hazy
soft smiles
hair in the light
fingers touching
lines on your face
and i am slipping
back back back

you HAVE
to go your own way.

whether you like it or not,
that's where you're g o i n g.

so you might as well
make it
weird
and fun
  as hell.

another chance to
make art on
your face.

everyday i wake up
to a life i don’t recognize
and yet, you
continue to ask me
how i am.

i had a dream
that for a moment
we were walking together
and when i held out
my hand to you,
you took it.

is my back
  against the wall?
or am i on
    the e d g e of a cliff?

i only ask
because sometimes
it’s hard to tell.

sometimes
  a thing appears
that is like a magnet
(or as the kids would say)
   it <h i t s> different.

why do i think of
dinosaurs every time
i hear a trombone?

and it seems to be
our american tradition
to check out mentally
about sixty l e v e l s (in)
and i can’t even begin to contemplate
what it could mean
to give two whole decades
less of a ****
than i do now

(since i’m at least trying to be positive)


i mean,
i guess at least now
i can f e e l the
   beginnings of the
untethering sooner?
and therefore
have more time
to throw out
hints and outright
warnings  ¯_(ツ)_/¯

[i wanted to say that
i give you more
than you deserve,
but that would be mean.]

gang
    gang
GANG
   |gang|

(intergalactic medium)

i’m pretty sure
   that the u n i v e r s e
is not what
we think
it is.

when will i
be held to account
for these quarantine sins?

i feel like
it is my default state
to genuinely like
every person
i meet.
and be in
a general harmony
with them.

but sometimes
i sabotage myself
by developing
a suspicion that
maybe someone
doesn’t like me.
from small cues.

then my
default state
gets hijacked
and suddenly
the harmony
is gone.

for just this moment
i think i could
stay here forever
and that would be ok

as long as there is music.

breathless
feeling the sound vibration flow
spreading out in waves
of anticipation
vein-like and
following an internal structure
and wait
gasp
    gasp
/breath/
all of honor and hope
rides in that breath
to be taken
down
   down
       down
| d r o p
             |
the s o u n d
   so r o u n d
the release
so great
bass brings the
music inside h e r e
instead of up there
brains are boring
the p u l s e
is life

you can’t
u n see
the
m a t r i x

i know better.
i know not to listen to songs like this,
   when i feel like this.

but i just do it anyway.

because i can't decide which
procedures, if any,
ever actually work.

reevaluating my
  traditionally avoidant behavior
  towards things that
trigger an emotional response,

i decided to just flip it completely
   and do the opposite.
   (i don't believe in much
   but i do believe in experiments.)

so when i suddenly hear
  that haunting viking-like
  gut wrenching solitary horn
  instead of diving for the
fast forward
i decide to focus on it instead.
put all my attention
into listening.

i try not to think,
just feel. let the words,
the music, the silence,
the bass,
all of it just hit me in waves.

(i think that might be the key.
because if you let it come
all at once,
and not in waves,
you would surely suffocate)

waves lead
to crying when it's
a song like that.
because you know
| it's love |
some kind
of love.
it couldn't be anything else.
there is no off-brand
or substitute. it just is
whatever the **** it is.

i mean, what possible meaningful
defense can you have
against something
  you don't even understand.

like chaka khan,
please don't do this (sweet thing)
because my heart can't take it.

your life is only that.
your life.
you cannot own
or be owned.
not really.
and that is pretty much that.

(primary care THIS, my blood pressure is fine, thanks for asking)

hello, ma’am!
i am here, in your office
that you appear to be advertising as
a place of business, specifically; the business of medicine. for humans. a human doctor, if you will.

i read every word of the brochure
of appalling lies you gave me,
willing to give you ½ my workday,
a copay, and spent an entire
evening printing,
scanning, categorizing and labeling
records that i am AWARE are ELECTRONIC. however, as so many of
your colleagues have suggested,
it’s almost “impossible” to get any information, and it’s my *******
responsibility to be my own *******
secretary since yours ****. and i should know BECAUSE I HAVE DONE THE JOB.
i can see the program you are using
which i am proficient in. i might still have my own logins if someone else didn’t do their job. i’ve been behind the curtain so don’t play these ******* games with ME.
i have done all the things.
i have gone above and beyond
in MY preparedness, since
in this country you are advised
“to be your own advocate”
because you cannot trust one single
******* to do it for you,
even if it’s THEIR LITERAL JOB.

i digress, i am here.
and i am calm.
with hundreds of pages
of reports in hand
categorized in reverse chronological order
and further labeled and divided by
date, provider, and tests.
calmly letting you
lead the conversation since
within the first 3 minutes of
meeting you
looked at me above your
mask with wild eyes
and told me
you “don’t have time.”

i thank you for your brilliant observations,
complete lack of any compassion
and apparent complete disregard for the
health of your patients. thank you for not
looking up my medical history or having
any notes or results even though i gave your office the information when
i made the godforsaken appt,
AND JUST IN CASE
brought PIECES OF ACTUAL PAPER
you refused to look at, read, pretend to read, scan or save even though i told you
you literally could keep it
because i wasn’t born yesterday
and have a ******* copy.

i don’t have time for YOU,
*****. thanks for nothing
and i hope you sleep
******* great tonight.

i honest to god
think i’m
in a dysfunctional
relationship
with
nys

like yeah, the times
that you are nice ARE good times...
but you are
barely ever nice?!

i am an educator.
more importantly,
i am a student.

and i am telling you,
learning doesn't end
because you "graduate high school".
or get 3 phd's. or a 2 year degree.
sure, you can become an expert, but
there is no end.

there is no finish line.

those are made-up things.
there is not a measurable amount to learn
that we, as a society,
have measured out into 10 months
per year 5 days/week
        8 hours per day
and is complete at the age
of 17 or 18.
you are closer then to the
beginning,
   than to the end.

question your teacher.
question the system.
question authority.
question your parents.
question the author.
question your religion.
question yourself.

because there is nothing
worse than a society
full of drones.

back up and try to see
from another perspective,
because not one of us
is the center.

history, my friends,
is in the eye of the beholder.

there is no one history,
and learning a new
aspect of history
is not a threat
to YOU.

it is an opportunity
to examine the world
closer. to see the complexity.
to allow for error.
maybe gain some humility.
it might be upsetting.
unravel your beliefs.
you might get angry.
maybe it won't change anything at all.

but, if you find yourself constantly upset about
the "names of things" suddenly being changed
i.e. teams, products, roads, statues, schools, monuments
i challenge you to ask, what is the common denominator
     of all the those things?

are you upset because you might be wrong?
   could you be hurting people without realizing it?
        you've already taken a stance, maybe you will seem weak if you change your mind.
or maybe someone taught you wrong?
    maybe you were even manipulated into a
   belief system
          so thoroughly ingrained
        that you actually believe
those beliefs are YOU.
maybe you really believe
that your way is
   the only way.

you can test yourself against
your own ideas.
if you insist to yourself that
keeping monuments and names
to slave owners is "just history"
ask yourself how you would
feel about the following:

Pol *** Park and Nature Reserve
The Charles Manson Memorial Highway
Mussolini Children's Hospital
The Timothy McVeigh School for Performing Arts
Monument to the Roman who Crucified Jesus

if all this sounds reasonable to you,
then at least you are being consistent.

if it doesn't,
you need to ask yourself why.

loosen your grip
on what you think you know.

maybe don't spread information
    you don't actually know to be true?
maybe spend 10 minutes
reading about
that person or that statue
or that name
or that law.

names matter.

challenge yourself
to temper that initial
defensive reaction
you may even be feeling
right this very moment.

because you are not
under attack.

you either make a decision
     to believe you already know everything
or you decide differently.

decide to be open.
decide to be thorough.
decide to be curious.
decide to be fair.
decide to learn.
decide to grow.

if you won't do it yourself,
how can you expect
anyone else to?

i mean,
i can see how christopher columbus
“discovered” the Americas from
his perspective.

the same way that
we “discover”
things that are
|new to us|
like space, or the ocean
or a new ******* restaurant.

but if i hike into
the woods and
“discover” some area
of land, or a lake, or a cabin,

the fact that i am seeing it for the first
time with my own eyes
does not mean
that thing did not
exist before i saw it.

there is nothing wrong with
exploration - it is vital
and necessary and exciting.

but exploration does
not equal colonization.
exploration does not
necessitate ownership,
theft, or ******.

it just doesn’t.

so good job, columbus,
for being an explorer and ****.
but maybe let’s try
to see the w h o l e picture.

because if i “discover” your cabin
in the woods and
decide it’s mine, **** you,
take the cabin,
enslave your family,

then have a yearly
“celebration”
where i celebrate my
“discovery”...

i’m just gonna go out
on a limb here
and assume
your enslaved family and their
ancestors wouldn’t
much appreciate that ****?

so let’s just say what we mean.
it’s good to explore.
thanks for being a *******
explorer, columbus. we like
this land, fine.

but we aren’t going to
celebrate the
systematic theft
of land, murdering and
enslaving of other human beings, ok?

unless that’s your thing, in which case
you should just be honest about it
and scream it from the rooftops.

let’s just stop pretending things
are the way we want them to be, and
acknowledge how they actually are.

is that not something we can agree on?!
ugh! i’m just sayin’!

the anticipator
  the modulator
the race car driver
and the quiet insider
brrrm
     brrrm
  shush

every time
a c o l o r
catches my eye
(which is very often)
in my mind
i instantly analyze it
break it down into its primary basics
then reconstruct it
in my mind with paint.

for example,
what first i took as pink,
upon further gazing
is really more of an orange.

start with white
add |this| amount of yellow
then this tiny minuscule
shard of (red)
together, white and red make pink.
yellow and red make orange.
pink and orange are different
points on
a spectrum.

and you can see how
close
orange and
p i n k are.
and how so very
far away.

and then that
blue-purple light
juxtaposed -
that is another thing
entirely.

accusations of ****** assault
are not a smear.

think before you speak
for christ's sake.