it always hits me
unexpectedly
always a
w a v e
that washes over me
and i let myself
peek inside
your box
in my
mind.
a light
   [a sound]
and i close my eyes and smile
and the tears come
and i have to feel it
because it is all i can do.
and i don't want
to forget.
so i let you
   e
     b
       b
    and f l o w
and i cry and i smile.
and then
try
to close the box
once again.
(but not too tight.)

there was a moment,
long ago
when i looked up
   and there your gaze was
   and i l o o k e d for a fractionofasecondtoolong

because now i know it is
the moment i actually saw you.

when i become
      squirrel q u e e n
and you become m e...
  (in those woods)
  (under that sun),

i h o p e you
   recognize m e.

i h o p e you listen for
    my steps,

and i h o p e
    you follow me
  w h e r e e v e r
i go.

fierce brilliant talons
stained glass
mulberries
a cold snap
ebb and flow
trudging through
   flooded swampy ice grass
vestibules and
locked doors
aunts
white blankets
star trek beeps
brake lights
2 chocolate chip scones
and honestly,
i haven’t felt better.

...because what else could it be?


***.
i can suddenly see the menu
   of my hidden moves
and unlocked weapons.

and now i am armed.

there is no way to know.

and when the moment
  inevitably comes to you,
     as it does to us all,
          and you are utterly convinced
          that indeed you do, in f a c t,
KNOW...

i can assure you without hesitation,
    is the exact same moment
that you know the very least.

[******* guys and your stupid hope]



hope that disintegrates
as quickly as it arrives
is more damaging
than
no
hope
at
all.

i’ve been doing
     a lot of typing
     and deleting
     as of late.

     bringing thoughts
     to the present
     assigning letters
     and codes
     and then

b a c k

     letter by letter
  a retreat
to the succinct
the appropriate
the vague
the non-committal
the veil
the chain

is to be
the experience
of |something| else
humanity is an e x p e r i e n c e
    not an thing.

i envision a unity
of information
a seamless integration
of human creativity
and technology

imagine the whirls
and hums
of data being processed
transferred
syncing, streaming, downloading
packet up all this information
and crash it around the world
throw it around
for the sake of
human knowledge
free and open

this is not the way.
i don’t know
how else to say
that
t h i s
is not
the way.

i think
i must have thought
there was only
one way.
one path.
one love.

now i know
there is no w a y -
only infinite paths
and infinite love.

i just don’t understand
where you people are getting
all these maps
and compasses.

i’m very suspicious
that they aren’t real,
and i’m not even sure
who made them.

i mean,
for real -
all i’m saying,
is that sometimes,
people with the authority
to say so,
will tell you
something
pretty *******
concerning.
like life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness
kind of concerning.

and then
quite simply
send you
on
your
way.

an artist
structures
their lives in
a certain way.
you construct a life
the best and most efficient
    ways of gathering information
processing thoughts
    thinking about thinking
looking for inspiration
connecting the beautiful
downloading
uploading
and deleting
and copying
basing
something
upon
something.

i think i see now that we are more different
than i thought
and it is not a pro or a con
we just have different information
to contribute that you
might have to stretch
your thinking
to understand.

and if you can't imagine
stretching your mind, you
definitely have never
stretched your mind.
it hurts.
it might make you cry.
it might make you confused.
it might make you angry.
you may shed old beliefs
and take on new perspectives
it is not something
one would forget,
and for me took years and years and years
  just to be able to begin to understand.

it's just something i have to offer.
i don't know how else to describe it.
a way that
can be
sustained  
a way to
      notice and to listen.
to recognize,
connect,
and destroy.
rebuild,
and
destroy once more.

you can never be born or die too many times in art.
each death allows you to see.
and each birth allows you to see.

if you want a challenge
  you must challenge yourself
in your own mind
in your own time.

all learning is based on
growth
and growth is based
on exposure and practice
there is no way around it

to believe to know
   is to be the worst thing.
unless, of course,
you are correct,
then it is ok.

teach and connect and learn
come together and create
    something bigger and better than both
if you can teach,
   then you know.
if you understand me,
   we may know the same something about something
or the same nothing about nothing.

interstate love song -
or, intermittent crying while walking


i'm trying harder than anyone
  could possibly imagine.
and i'm not saying that to be an *******,
it's just that it's true,
and there is no way
for me to explain.
(the way that things crash around inside me)

this place has a path
that is a big circle,
with two paths cutting
through the center.

and suddenly all
i could see was the paths.

the most treaded path
  is safe and predictable.
you don't even have to think,
and that's what's great.
you can just endlessly go in circles,
  and even though it's predictable
you see something new every time.
everyone knows where to go
and is generally very polite.
it's easier to pace yourself when
   you know where you are going,
       it's easier to pace yourself
          when you know when it will end.
and there are the center paths
   so if you decide you can't go any farther,
     you can veer off and take a shortcut.

there is a short detour off
the main path,
  leading to a creek.
   and it's pretty.
   and you know it's there
   and you can go there whenever you want,
   and it's not hard to get back.
on the main path,
right back in step.

but then there is the path
that p u l l s me.
every time i get to a certain place,
i see it and i can't stop staring at it
because i want to follow it.
it's clearly a path,
   a break in the trees.
      but it's going into the wild,
and the path turns abruptly,
so you can't see where it goes.
    you can't see how far
    and you can't see how deep.

i'm not sure how many times i walked in that circle
and stared at that path
across the way.

i'm not sure how many times i walked right past it
without following it
  because i didn't want to break my stride
and get distracted.

but suddenly i just had to go there.
immediately.
and i stepped right out of the circle
    without thinking,
  and straight into
    the woods.

*******.
and i even think
that by acknowledging i
can’t remember,

i have remembered.

i can get on board with this color palette, i suppose, but only briefly.
for a moment today
the trees glowed orange
   and red and yellow in the gold light
   and my breath caught,
   (it really did)
   but only for a second
because i don’t like the green
mixed in.

i like my reds and yellows
in the sky where they belong
at dusk sometimes
on beaches

and where the water is blue
and the sand
is white

the smell of leaves
is the smell of death,
in a way.

i prefer clean palettes,
and no sane person
goes around putting
  orange and green together,
   i’m just sayin’.

in the end,
it just may be
that we are both able
to imagine the same world
                     with the same rules
                          the same love
and so this imagined world
hovers nearby
unwilling or unable
   to be brought
      to fruition.

in order to share
at least one person
needs to have s o m e t h i n g.

and someone else must
notice and
want some kind of part of that
s o m e t h i n g.

then both have to
openly acknowledge
these terms,

in order for the sharer
to know
that they
need to
let go
of
s o m e t h i n g.

i advise you to
   pay attention
to this singular flow
follow it, go
in the age
   of advisement
vibrations will guide
  the pull
of the tide
the dilation
the size
    the always goodbye

why is it so hard
for me to walk
without dancing?

i know about the suffering.

i know about the beauty.

someone just said
     not to trust your brain
     or your heart -
trust only your gut.
trust only the vibe.

and i think he might be right.

your guts will let you know
   when you have met your match.

it’s just
that i know
how quickly
things can
     go s o u t h

for a second
i imagined
myself trying to
  actively resist
the imprint
  you are pressing down
like paper
fleeing
from the
impending ink
soaked stamp.

all that you know
   y o u can teach | me

and all that i know
       i can teach | you.

(...if we’re really being honest...)
it hasn’t been
   /the best of times/
now has it?

i don’t know
   how to say
i can see the underlying
structure of too many things

i have
always
thought
of you
as
a
l i g h t
shining
upon
me

i don’t think
there is anything
better on this earth
than music

(if there is anything to be said at all)



i know
i have to be ok
with or
w i t h o u t
you or
you or
you or
you...
and i think i can be,
BECAUSE I ALREADY AM.
besides, i have been
practicing
for so long.

but have you ever
imagined
what that is like?
to expect nothing
to hope for nothing
to attach to nothing
to depend on nothing
to let go
of
every
single
solitary
shred and
fiber of
e v e r y t h i n g?

can you imagine
what that’s like?

playing GOT in the background*
is like going home
and i can’t help but notice
that heads should be rolling
for all the things i’ve seen
or at the very least
these robots should
work more perfectly

please alert me
   to a HIGH balance

alert me to the grapes
   ripening on the vine

alert me
  to the sun shining

alert me
   to some ******* glorious news

it’s almost as if
there is mass hysteria
and whole generations
   completely let fly
  the idea
      of objective morality
         and it is quite a sad
               thing to witness.

i either wanted to so i did,
or i didn’t want to
and therefore,
didn’t?

there is very little wanting
and also doing
but a lot of
not wanting
but still doing

i don’t want to want.
i don’t like it.

i like not wanting

and just being
     (instead).

i just realized
i followed my own self
into the woods
and that makes me happier
than words
can possibly express.

for the
first time
someone has
pointed me
back to myself.

some of these things are
so fleeting
you would never believe it.
and i can see the tether to
reality become questionable
because n o t h i n g
can be believed.
not | one | thing.