Growing up, my grandmother always tried to hold me back from the girl I thought was my best friend.
Her name was Society.
My grandmother made it very clear that I was not to associate with Society and so that is what I did
for a while.
By the age of 7 I had an impressively large entourage of friends, whose parents also steered clear from Society.
We watched movies, made hot chocolate and talked about our hopes and dreams.
However just because the light burns bright, doesn't mean it's going to burn forever.
By the time I was 11 our coterie had fallen through.
The more we grew, the less we would hear our parents.
11 years young, and completely detached.
All my friends were now strangers.
Society was the only one I had left.
I always desired to be equals with her.
I tried so hard until there wasn't any ME anymore.
I was caught in between fitting in with the world and becoming estranged from myself
Society dug up every last seed that all sane adults plant into their children.
Mum raised me to believe that every inch, every atom and every molecule inside of me was worthy of love.
Society had taught me to pinch and pull at my body, accusing every bump, every scar and every imperfection for being some of the many reasons I was alone.
Society led me to rip every mirror off of the walls of my life.
"You don't wanna see that" She would whisper.
She was wrong until she was right.
For every 1 thing I found to love in the reflection,
Society would find 3 things to hate.
Society had taken the sparkle from my eyes because the other girls couldn't see past the glare.
Society silenced the protest in my gut because there weren't enough people on my side
but as I moved on to better people
I realized she was all a sham

I have gotten older.
At this point in time, I am where my mother was. I am caught between wanting to love someone and wanting to disappear from the face of the earth, between buying groceries or a few grams of creative fuel. Music is a necessity and sleep is no more than a luxury. There are nights where I wake up just to stare into the clocks eyes and although I tell myself to slip back into my dreams I cannot stop my right arm from reaching for a pen. By the end of the week, my recycling bin overflows with half-written letters and they all start the same but different
Dear mom, I hate you and
Dear mom, I miss you. I am just
Dear mom, I hope your next boyfriend has 16 ****** kids so that you are forced to remember the four biggest blessing you left behind
but there is one letter that I keep on my desk, inside an envelope with your address on it, sealed so that even if my fingers itch to revise and edit all the confusion I somehow found the strength to heave out onto paper; I won't.
it reads,
Dear mom,
I want to tell you I love you. I don't. I know I don't. But I do. I always will, that's just how life is. Life always will be. It's different for everyone. However, for us, life will always be arduous. At the end of the day, you and I don't make it any easier. I fight to feed, bathe, and protect the three younger miracles you brought into this world when you, you don't even bother to send a card on their birthdays. Your life always meant more to you. The motivation I have, the childhood I didn't keep me up at night. You've both robbed and driven me. I don't know whether to say ******* or thank you.
- your Firstborn

Fists can only clench so tight
And I hold every ounce of pain inside
Never know where I'll be sleeping the next night
Behind my smile depression knows he can hide

My knuckles bleeding out my heart
The pieces shattered all over the floor
Holding on to my broken home
Because I prepared myself to meet the door

My body moved by anger
My heart overwhelmed with fear
Pills never seemed so sweet
I convince myself I belong here

Inhale
Exhale
In then out
I plan life to go north
Then it all crumbles toward south

I've been feeling a lot like rain
Falling into love but in love with pain
I feel more than the average human
just enough to go insane.

Well too late because
I'm crazy
I'm ******
I'm gone
I'd say I live my life in silence
But on the contrary I'm a living song

I feel like my head is being held under water right now
except drowning in a sea of narcissism is a lot more dangerous
than drowning in water.
water doesn't say she loves you before she swallows every living thing inside of you whole.
One minute you're born miserably the next, it's almost over,
Life I mean    
I have always been in control;
just never of my own life.
It was always,
"Sit pretty, keep your mouth shut, and so help me god don't even breathe funny"
I have NEVER even dreamed of talking to my mother about any boy
Boyfriend? what's that?
Do you have any idea what kind of HELL this hormonal teenage girl was put through? Growing up with all kinds of teenage boys that were into the girls with endless attitude? The same Not-So-Little boys who learned that the phrase, "I need you." could earn them a spot in between
Not-So-Little girls sheets... you know? When Their mammas were too faded to even find out? Don't worry about daddy, he's nowhere to be found.
Growing up, all the wrong boys asked all the right questions. She always said "yes" just because she was raised to say no.
She was only 13 when she left home. Mamma was 16. only a year later, Mamma was pregnant with a failed ******. But the Not-So-Little girl, well she was busy picking up the pieces for the other three little hearts, running around outside of her chest. the same little hearts that were born into a big house with an empty fridge, The same fridge that this Not-So-Little girl had to fill while doing homework on her lunch breaks. So yes. I do get offended when Great aunt lotus says....
*You are so much like your mother.

Love a girl who writes
and live her many lives;
you have yet to find her,
beneath her words of guise.

Kiss her blue inked fingers,
forgive the pens that marked.
the stain of your lips upon her-
the one she can't discard.

Forget her tattered memories,
or the pages others took;
you are her ever after
the hero of her book

There are moments in the day
          When we are tired
          And we are done

Baby girls become the mommy
          There was no time
          To be young

This doesn't grant us complaining rights
          But geez, give us a break
          Sleep deprived
          Night after night

Life keeps us awake

You get what you give
And you give what you get
We curse all that is wicked
Yet we are our own threat

Feel the world inside you
We shape our every day
Better your intentions
And watch what you say

Karmas a *****
But at least she plays fair
The universe is in you
Beyond your mask

Bare.

Yes. Valentine's Day is just like any other day
No. it does not make it any less special
I will not look at the couples and curse their PDA
I will see the chocolate and flowers and smile
I will not roll my eyes at the teddy bears for sale sign
I may even third wheel for a while

Today is meant to recognize happiness in pairs
Not to degrade national singles because who really cares?

I don't need a man to keep me busy- I mean happy
I don't need chocolates to feel loved
It's beautiful to have someone beside you
But my best friend is already enough
when you see me without my flowers
I plan on picking my own
Don't judge my date with Netflix
Because if you love yourself enough
You'll almost never feel alone

There is no substitute
                 For hard work;
There is no replacement
                 Of time lost;
There is no time for regrets
                 About mistakes made,
                 Or excuses for failure
                 Of responsibility or duty;
There is no explanation for
                 Blind eyes to beautiful things
                 Or love gone unexpressed;
There is no time for excuses

                                                                                 *There is no time

She destroyed herself
Too many thoughts*
She fell apart
Too many little pieces
She fell in love
Too many little feelings
She discovered herself
Too many little stars
She believed
Too many little moments


And
         In
              The
                     End


She was home
Too many little things
That reminded her
of  *herself

Constantly falling
      But always on my face
World keeps turning
      And I'm running in place
Stuck in this hell hole
      But I can help others out?
I end up back where I was
      Just every time, a different rout
Questions unanswered
      Lost state of mind
The untold truths
       The streets beautifully unkind
Sleepless nights dark and cold
      Long days fuelled by caffeine
While the rest of you be moving on
      I'll probably be stuck in 2016

Give me peace in mind
To prepare for newer days

Give me a little challenge
Not to change,
But strengthen ways

Give me some respect
And I'll return you the favour

Give me a little time
And one day I will no longer
Hate her

But I everything I ask,
as simple as it may be

It will never be handed over
Because nothing is for free

When I have next to nothing
You won't hear me complain

I help others, praying
Others will soon do the same

This world unkind
Yet we write our own destiny

So I keep my strong smile
Because happiness is ahead of me

I saw your face in a crowded place
The rest were just shadows and a blur

Your head carried high
Your wandering eyes
Strangers lips no longer smile
But when I look closely yours were

**DRAFT

I never expected to be hit with the
"Who are you?"
While filling out a job application
for a Lush Cosmetics  department store
Seriously though,who am I?
I mean, I'm just Alyssa
Alyssa is just too
human

You know, the type to complain about the sea of heart broken poets while browsing on poetry sites

But for some reason finds herself ranting about all the oblivious people on instagram, whose most traumatic experience was probably a paper cut

She's a weakling compared to the elders at home

Yet sick of the "how do you do it" remarks from colleagues and friends

She isolates herself inside her house and she can feel the crushing sensation named depression

But after lunch with Devon, she begins to fantasize about how her eyes light up when she hears that sound from the heavens;
DING ****
Hot digitty dog it's uber eats!
She'll never have to leave her house for McDonald's ever again!

She has no idea what she's doing with her life, and sometimes wishes someone could just come to her rescue
But god forbid you attack her ego by bringing up her goals and achievements

Best believe she will make you fall in love- trust me she loved you too (at some point)
But her favourite things about you slowly became the things she cringed the most at
You're laugh was cute and ***** but now for some reason
she refrains from telling you jokes

She's constantly changing
Not because she's unhappy with who she is
She has yet to finish creating Alyssa  with each passing day

You were
every song I've kept on repeat
while on long drives

You were
the story I told when I taught
people, true love never dies

You were
the sun behind the rain cloud
outside you'd watch me dance

You were
my waking thoughts, night time
nostalgia, and happily ever after trance

You were
my favourite pair of shoes
*but one day you wouldn't fit

You became
the chair yanked beneath me
when I went to sit

When your song plays on the radio
I have to change the station

Your story's no longer about love;
but the consequence of temptation

You used to be the sun
you're not even the rain
you've become no more than
Arthritis pain

The memory, a living nightmare
your words, a sharp scream
this hurt that will forever haunt me
all started with


*A dream

To all the men I could never love
I wanna say it wasn't me, nor you
To all the lips I left unkissed
And words regrettably untrue

To all the hearts I never accepted
Minds I've changed
And souls I never defended

To all the tears I've caused to shed
And the endless hours I left you
stranded in your head

To all the men I could never love
And the only one I do

A low-class man with a baby face took a smart pretty woman and made her a disgrace

He charmed her with his words; put her under his spell

Stole the sanity from her children and made their lives hell

Not a finger he laid on the broken kids but every word stung; the torture so brutal and children so young

A teenager already empty was beaten with the belt. She was confused but he didn't care when she cried or what she felt

The mother was his puppet. And he the puppeteer. The puppet was manipulated and her children lived in fear.

Her words were his and his word was law children try as they might his heart wouldn't thaw.

The puppeteer is poisonous and lives without a care.

He didn't work for anything... He just took what was there.

He lived with greed, the love for money and liked to scream and shout.

He took what he couldn't earn; seeking the easy way out

A loser who played mind games. Such an unhealthy mix. Flattering the vulnerable was one of his biggest tricks

The truth always surfaces. And that is what was done. When justice chased after him all he could do was run

"I'm sick of saying he wasn't mine
Because indeed he was
I know about the other girls, but
I know he loves me because..."

He loves you? He  loves  you?
The man barely remembers your name

"Yeah, but he needs me
He needs-"

Are you blind or do you just like
playing his games?!?!

If you were to lock the door to your
bedroom, you'd never see him again!
You'll let him leave with everything.
What for? What then?

"Despite all your warnings, dear. I'll
have to let him take it. Just know I was already
nothing, dear. This case...It's fake it till you break it."

Momma was born a hip hop head
She'd whisper beats and rhymes in my ear right before bed
We played dress up every day
she'd do my hair up real nice
when daddy had the good dough
mamma partied dripping in ice.
and even when the jackets were too heavy
and my braided head too tight
as long as I made mamma look good,
I was doin' alright.
How can I blame her
I only know pieces to her story
there were whole other lives
a long time before me
and to this, I owe her credit
not every day was a dog day
even when I didn't know what to say
I mean she gave me my words when I was four
it made life a little easier when raising the children she bore
And for as long as I could remember
or at least since the 24th of September
She spited dad
promised me she'd always give me all that she had
Wasn't long until she broke it
2 years since we've spoken
but we manage
Momma checked out
left me and my siblings behind
left me alone to make sense of the world with half of her mind
And so here I am now
ripped from my bed
An old beat drew me to write about the love that's dead
12:39 am

Snakes no longer hiss anymore
They greet you with a smile
and call you by your first name.
They say they love you and
They congratulate your successes
They hand you tissues while you cry
And if you're real unlucky...
the biggest snakes you've met
Are family

When a poet can no longer
find their words;
Please give them a hug...
Understand that the loss of words,
is a loss of true love.

When a poet Can no longer find their
ink;
Don't leave them alone in their mind
What to do with a paralyzed pen
Living in a world unkind
There is no drain to an ocean
to deplete this sea of thought
please hold this dysfunctional poet
Whose feelings have been
Bartered and bought

It's all lies
Don't you dare tell me different
I'm here asking you what's the matter
Yet you complaining no one will listen

When I ask you how you is
"I'm Ok"  isn't sufficient
I can see you deteriorating
Cut the **** be explicit

Tell me what words hurt you
And whose mouths caused the pain
I know you know they didn't mean it
But the burn will still remain

Was it your man that ain't your man
Or was it that girl who doesn't have to try
Don't keep telling me they mean nothing
I see the tears behind your eyes

It's okay to have feelings
I'm in them all the time
I feel heavy if I don't express em
Baby, why you think I rhyme

Tell me what it is girl
Tell me what it ain't
Tell me how you feel girl
'cause I know you ain't "ok"

You're either lovesick or lonely
I don't know which ones worse

Ruby rises at dawn
With a sigh and a yawn
And a dream lingers on
In her dream she’s a swan

With a cloud over head
Ruby swims out of bed
She removes from her hair
Monsters made out of air
And she screams with no sound
As her feet touch the ground

She’ll be a morning shadow
With the sun that rises
She dematerializes

Ruby rise at dawn
With a sigh and a yawn
And you search for a trace
But there’s none in her face
Of the thoughts that she keeps
They are lost in her sleep

(dedicated to my ride or die)
I'm never that far
No matter where you are
Believe it we can make it come true

We'll do it our way
No matter what they say
'cause no one's gonna do it for you

But I
I'll never say never
as long as we'll keep it together

If you're living a dream
and you know what it means
Then you can't let them change your mind

It's the life that we choose
and we still break the rules
but it's all gonna be just fine
yeah we're all gonna be just fine

You and me are gonna be just fine
-S&C

April showers bring you flowers
But today there's only snow
It isn't winter
It isn't spring
'Tis a season left unknown

Outside the window is like myself
Unpredictable yet tamed

Some things are more appreciated
When they cannot be explained

You've betrayed the girl with a heavy hatred for change

Selfless?

Maybe.

Forcefully brave?

Since birth.

Broken?

Beyond repair.

I was told that if I was the kind of woman, men liked to look at,
I could let them look at me.
And I was told that if I was the kind of woman, men liked to touch,
I could let them touch me .
I was promised that if I can clean up after messes that were  not my own, learn to cook, and mother a man's inner child,
I could become the woman men liked to provide for.
Men appreciate the women that know when to speak
,guess that's why I don't even know what I'm saying half the time
Men need a woman who can guarantee silence while he grumbles about his day
I didn't know I was to marry a broken record
The look I get from my grandmother when I tell her that marriage is not exactly in my life's itinerary, Is the exact same look 14 year old Alyssa got when she came home with a pierced septum
Us girls are brought up to believe that a happy life is made up of 3 components ...
Husband
Kids
and a part time job
There is a reason Slave is not a synonym for wife
And woman does not equal *wife