what are you afraid of?
what shakes you with fright?
are you scared of the monsters?
who go bump in the night?
are you scared of tight spaces?
scared of not going places?
do you ever fear you'll lose someone?
you'll wake up one day and they'll just be gone?
i want to know what scares you
so i know when to hold your hand
i've told you what scares me
what fills my heart with fear
something like bumble bee
like not having a clue on what I want to make as a career
you know that writing scares me
you know that i can't stop
but you don't know a couple things
like how it scares me that you make my stomach flop
i never used to be so scared of feeling this way
i promise you that once i was really rather brave
it scares me that you might leave
that you might not even care
that maybe one day you'll get bored
and i'll search but you won't be there.

At 3 am my hands froze
wishing for gloves
or hands to hold
my eyes fighting to stay open
my fingers in constant typing motion
in each room there's someone snoring
behind their eyelids their subconscious exploring
i'm fond of this place called dream land
but you'll have to wait my dear sandman.

sometimes i run my mouth
just to hear myself talk
sometimes i say things i don't mean
just to see if you were ever listening
and i promise you this
my mouth will be the death of me
awaken me with a kiss
the wicked witch put a spell on me
and if i do something bad
my mouth is sure to tell on me
because sometimes i can't feel
but i say something anyways
just to fill the air
just to let you know
i'm still
there
and sometimes i get scared that if i don't talk
you'll forget me
so i'm sorry if any of the words i say
are empty
i have this horrid fear of being left
and forgotten
it's a silly fear
but it makes me feel rotten
so every once in a while
let me know that you care
because anxiety gets the best of me
and then it takes the rest of me
and that is when i feel
and it's terrible and you can't imagine
how hard it hits
but i can tell you that it hurts
but it's an easy fix.

There's nothing quite like
Your first family dog
You bring him home as a puppy
And he is rambunctious and playful
He tugs at your ponytail and nips at your ankles
Always seems to find trouble
And then he gets older, he still likes to chase squirrels
Thinks he's the biggest baddest dog in town
He will always protect your family from the evil mastermind ( also known as the mailman)
Will always provide love and comfort
And is forever happy to see you
Especially if you have doggy ice cream or a banana ( but really he's not picky he'll eat anything other than lettuce)
There's nothing quite like
How a dog becomes family
From the moment you bring him home
He is filled with love and you are filled with love for him
You begin to make memories and then
Eventually it's hard to recall
Memories made without him
Through the good and the bad he was always by your side
There's nothing quite like
The heartbreak that happens
When your dog dies
When you lose a part of your family
Just thinking about the next time you go home
He won't be there to greet you with a wagging tail
There's nothing quite like dogs.

you have big dreams
i'm just living
compared to you
i'm insignificant
what good can i bring the world
except a smile
and a poem
but what good is that at the end of the day
what lives can my words save?
i can't help
but feel helpless
where do i have to go in life
i just feel lost
need a compass
maybe you can give me a map
or a gps
where do i go from here
the Cheshire cat would say it doesn't matter
as long as i get somewhere
i would beg to differ
give me a tour guide
to take me through my life
because i'm feeling lost
and it's making me cross
but we're all mad here
and maybe madness is driving this fear
i don't want to get stuck
so wish me luck
when you leave me for your big dreams
i'll be bursting at the seams
or maybe that's just how it seems
why does art feel like it's so unimportant
it's all i can do, i'll draw you a portrait
i guess you could say that it helps life's endeavor
but there are people in my position who can do it much better
so i sit here
sorry for myself
my  BIG dreams are for my book
to be on a shelf
the book i haven't finished
because it's all that i have
and i feel my dreams diminished
i don't know who i am.

i love to read
because I can wrap myself
in the security of
someone else's story
i can envelop myself in the warmth
of the characters who become
friends
and when the book ends
i feel
saudade
a nostalgic longing to be near again
to something
or someone
that is distant,
or
that has been loved and then
lost;
"The love that remains"
and that is the best fit definition
i could find
because that feeling feels so
indescribable
but characters become so real
they become friends
and family
and you can't help but feel
after the story is over
*and then the process repeats.

I can still feel
the phantom trace of your lips
against mine
and I am all too familiar with
the way your hand fits around mine
and nobody else fits just like you
and I am reminded of you when I stare up
at the moon
It makes me smile to think that maybe
you're looking up at it too
you are my night sky and calm ocean
i could get lost in those starry eyes
listening to the cool lull of the waves of your voice
i was the wind listening and watching
waiting for your next move
and like the night sky you disappear
and at times you went silent and that is when my heart
was the quietest
I was just a cool breeze
but when you talked you could hear my heart roaring loud,
trying to build a storm up in you
trying to shake up the ocean
being the wind isn't easy
not everybody hears my call
and sometimes I feel like you're a part of that crowd.

and even though we speak in the same language
we are worlds apart
and how i wish that i
could be the one
to warm your tired heart
i wish my words could chill your bones
but maybe our paths
aren't meant to intertwine
but your words tear me limb from limb
they are the ocean that i'm sinking in
and i THOUGHT that i knew how to swim
but your ocean is violent: grim.

today should have been fun
but i was irritated
tired
constantly ready to snap
i am a mess
need
sleep
i'm cranky
feeling mean
want to be kind
but i feel the need to scream
someone take me away for a while
i feel trapped in this town
someone make me smile
before i drown.

I have learned that
Some people will never
Own up to their actions
They live in their own world
In which they believe they played the part perfectly
You can’t play the role if you don’t show up to the set
You’ve been written out of my life and yet you keep trying to cast yourself the same role
Over and over again
And it makes me wonder if you know
How a no-call-no-show really affects the director
And are you really that good at acting?
Or do you really not know how your actions impacted the story?
This wasn’t a normal play and you didn’t have an understudy
So I was left trying to find people to fill your role
Now the story has moved on without you
And you pretend as if you’ve been a part this whole time
The cast has changed a lot throughout the years
And now you want to jump right back in
Without even knowing how the story has developed in your absence
So why
Should I write you back in?
If you won’t own up
To the part you played in the character development that happened
As a result of your absence
You had one of the only roles that I had no choice in casting
But you had a choice, and you clearly didn’t want the part
Now you get to pretend
That you won an Oscar, you should get a standing ovation
But you haven’t played that part in years
If I replayed the last few acts of the story you would not be even a minor character, but I think you said a couple lines in the beginning.

We had our first kiss
when you were intoxicated
now I'm intoxicated and
wishing that
there was a second kiss
not sure which is more intoxicating,
you
or the shots
I took with my friends
but I'm willing to take a shot on you
not sure where to go from here
home never seems far away
when I'm with you,
828 miles away
but you bring me back home
with each piece of snail mail you send me
every letter of the alphabet
sounds so much better
when it comes from your lips
and I'd prefer if your lips were touching
mine

I hope you know
that I'm not
trapped
I have
options
There are many different paths
that I can take
and I don't have to take them
with you
I'm moving on
with
or without
you.

i still remember lots of things about you
our first kiss
was in my bathroom
in the dark
we bumped noses.

i did my time
and now i am free
i can fly far away
with my un-clipped wings
i am no longer caged
i am free to roam
less time will be spent
lingering at home

this feeling
i feel
i've never felt
why won't it go away
it bothers me day in
and day out
i don't know what to say
your smiling face is enough
to make my whole week
make my knees weak
even if you can't see
if i could only make you blush
that is my goal
because  you make me light up
from my toes to my soul
you and i are quite ridiculous
if you ask me
but i know you like getting reactions out of me
you want to see how i tick
is that what it is?
you'll tease me
cause it makes me smile
play along
when I act like a child
i try and hide how i feel
but seeing you makes it infinitely more real
come december i'll give you the note
and then what?
will words catch in your throat?
will you know what to say?
will you have a clue?
or will i chicken out and miss my chance with you?

I have the face of a  Porcelain Doll
or so I'm told
but unlike Porcelain Dolls
my face continues to grow old

I have been told I'm a beautiful girl
but beauty fades with time
so don't fall in love with beauty
but fall in love with rhyme.

I can't seem to let go
of the idea of you
and logic went out the window
back when i first met you
on that warm summer day
not to say you aren't worth my time
but i know just know that you would waste it
still i am hopelessly fixated on you
even through the long periods
of not talking
the silence deafening for me
but undetected for you
and i know you  don't
ever think about me
because if you did
i wouldn't be here
alone
stuck
on
you
frustrated because i put in more effort
than i ever should have
it wasn't exactly a waste of time
but i didn't gain much
somehow i always knew
this is just
my
luck
and i can't bring myself to just call it quits
but i don't want to feel this anymore
some stupid hopeful part of me
wrote my heart on the back of math homework
and got nothing
in return
and you never wrote anything back
so i don't have any pages to burn.

dear monster under my bed,
you do not have scales or spikes
or sharp teeth
you are not slimy or fifty  feet tall
but somehow
you terrorize my life
all the same
you are godzilla
and I am Tokyo
breaking at the will of your
appetite for destruction
monsters aren't always as we portray them
they aren't always two faced
or blood *******
they aren't always hideous and terrifying
monsters hide in plain sight
sometimes the scariest monsters
that we encounter
are simply human
and nothing more.

lately it seems like
I only exist
when it's convenient for you
and that
freaking hurts.

When you get lonely
just remember all the time we spent together
doing nothing
laying side by side and listening to
all the records
of music you just knew i'd fall in love with
but you didn't know that
it was the music i'd fall in love with you to
our life was like a musical
you were my summer lovin
only i couldn't call you mine,
only the fond memories of time spent with you
you were mine in those moments
chubby chipmunk cheeks , a pint full of ice cream and each other's company to make it all better,
riding bikes through a dusty trail
that i've traveled through
time after time
never was it more beautiful
than when i was there with you
we were looking for signs of life in the pond
while i was looking for signs of love in your eyes
the loud music of the concert
we went to that night rattled my bones
but you , you rattled my heart
a night that i should have made you sleep
by my side because there's nothing that
i'd like more than to just lie next to you
when i woke up,
you made me french toast
if that's not sweet enough
maybe i should have put more syrup on it
or more honey in my tea
you let me drink the last bit of your favorite tea
You're my favorite cup of tea
when i was full you took me
to a place you knew i'd love
you didn't know i'd love you more
for taking me there
bookstores are always filled with  a certain kind of magic
somehow wandering the warehouse
with you by my side was even more static
you bought me the books i fancied
one of them with the title "14,000 Things to be happy about."
i renamed it "14,001 Things to be happy about."
  the book was missing one important thing,
your name.

At the end of the day
at least i tried
i'm more than okay
i gave it a shot
and maybe i missed my target
but what was i aiming for?i forgot
and everything will be alright
i will  let this  go
i will let you go
now it's over
i'm finally done
and it's hard to decide if
my battle was won
but now it's over
it's a little bittersweet
i'll have to find a new path
for my wandering feet.

i'm dying to address
the thing we're ignoring
i'm holding my tongue
but my mind is warring
a battle with myself
to outwardly express
feelings put on a shelf
i'm feeling distressed
i want to be civil
but i want you to know
the affects of your fickle affection
that melted like snow
because i used to think
highly of you
now you're just another guy
that i thought i knew.

It was only a matter of time
before you forgot about me again
have I ever meant anything to you?
or am I just a disposable friend?
and try as I might
I'm not good at playing pretend
how much time will it take
for this broken heart to mend?
i gave you my all
in everything i wrote
and all the rest of my words
are now caught in my throat
your silence is chilling
will you lend me your coat?
for now i make my own warmth
i won't try and share yours
forgive me for trying
to break through closed doors
the look in your eyes
took me further than the shores
i know you're an ocean
there's more to you than i see
my boat capsized
you threw me out to the sea
and somehow i think i knew
we could never be.

i like collecting snowflakes
on my eyelashes.

once upon a fallen dream
i had forgotten how to scream
life is cold and infinitely mean
are things really as they seem?


trapped inside this empty cell
there is no way that i could tell
which way to go to escape this hell
what would happen if i fell?

tumbling out of control
my breath is taken from me, stole
where do i go to seize my soul
i need something to fill the hole

if I ever reach the light
will you even reveal my knight?
will my eyes ever regain their sight?
can i even win this fight?


such a cruel spiteful jailer
my stripes were sent to the tailor
wish this was just a movie trailer
face to face with my impaler

into the mirror i stare

my reflection i cannot bear

there’s someone with so much despair

and no one bothers to care

i lost the battle of life

bled out cause a kitchen knife

my mind was riddled with inner strife

my stiff body fell with lithe

cold and dead I lie

no one dares to cry

my soul is free to fly

and there’s not need to try

with such grace i was set free

it took dying for me to see

no longer trapped like a bumblebee

i have found the once lost key

the silence brings me comfort

i no longer have to suffer

your days on this foul earth are numbered

the truth will be uncovered

beauty once vain now is pure

happiness comes , this i ensure

for the plague of life, death is the cure

but to life you’ve become inure

you don’t have to sit through hell
NOBODY hears you when you yell
is there a reason for you to dwell
there is none that i can tell

peace will come if you give in
they say suicide is a sin
then you should proudly sin with a grin
go on, take those pills with gin

one after one i coach them
my pleasure is when they’re condemned
i tell them that death is their friend
but death isn’t even the end


such a clever one aren’t i?
wonder where you go when you die?
silly beings think that they shall fly
i enjoy watching them try

but he saves us from your reign

all of your efforts are in vain

because you have already been slain

Jesus Christ will always reign

Savior cradles me in his arms

i was once caged behind bars

but through him  i was set free

not bound by rules

i am safe with him for eternity

i was trapped with rules of verse

but my savior broke that curse

didn’t know what  i was worth

there was purpose for my birth

my sin through him was forgiven

now what is in store for me is unveiled

your instructions to get here are detailed

it’s simple just accept the gift

heal the hole, your God sized rift

ask him for his forgiveness

and he will rid you of your sickness

trust me, i’m an eyewitness.

things seem to lose their meaning after a while
but not you
i guess i lied
in the letter i wrote you
maybe i can't
push my feelings aside
it's easier when you're absent
because then i forget
but when you come back
the progress i had made
gets thrown away
the rewind button gets pressed
and i can tell you're not impressed
because who am i anyways?

And I wish that I could write you off
as easily as I feel you do to me
but all I seem to be able to do
is write ABOUT you.

i am
nothing
but
a mess
in all senses of the word
clumsy and awkward
not beautiful
or graceful
not the kind of girl
that people write about
i'm the girl who never has anything fully
together
procrastinator
with a slight lisp
clothes slightly wrinkled
never get enough sleep
sharp enough to make you laugh
but not enough to capture your soul
i am the laundry you dropped behind the washer
loved but forgotten and worn
i can't take your breath away
or make your heart skip a beat
i'm not the kind of girl who is etched into your bones
not the kind of girl who you might call home
and if i manage to capture your heart
i'll never capture it fully
because i'm the kind of girl who never has
anything fully
together.

Early morning or late at night
I can't get you off my mind
Somehow you always reappear
Life is better when you're near
You always manage to make me smile
And so I seem to be beguiled
Sometimes you won't even know
but nevertheless you bestow
a smile or a laugh when I'm upset
I still remember when we met
Do you feel bad for what went on?
To me it's always been foregone
I can see it played upon your face
I wish memories could be erased
The look in your eyes tells me a story
And boy I know that you are sorry
Sometimes they say I don't deserve her
I could not say that I concur
We play the game of skinny love
A game that we can't seem to shove
I'd like to tell you how I feel
But for now my lips are sealed.

i can see past your serpent smile
deeply embedded in you is poison
and there will be no venomous victory here
i will not be your charmer
or your prey
the colors of your skin briefly baffled me
i thought i saw beauty
but i remembered the warnings once uttered to me
i am an animal of curiosity
but i unlike the cat
won't let it **** me

what has my life become
studying and cursing the sun
melting in the desert heat
dragging my tired feet
prying open my sleepy eyes
desperately trying to be wise
laughing with friends at odd hours
singing and dancing in the shower
running only on caffeine
my desk is constantly unclean
missing home
hair uncombed
bus to work
in the library i lurk
book after book
intentions mistook
ukulele jamming
before-quiz cramming
praising God
looking odd
hair color changes with my mood
wishing for a change in food
longing for the mountains
missing my church in Fountain
finding my place in the world
becoming more woman than girl.

when you say goodnight
who do you tell to have sweet dreams
close friends
mere acquaintances?
or maybe your mom
the person that holds your heart
or just everyone
but I'm wondering
who am I in that mess of sweet dreams?

the little things
like a tall sunflower
poking through a field of weeds
the crunching of fall leaves underneath my feet
the way you smile at me
the feeling of holding hands
not caring how I look when I dance
home alone, singing at the top of my lungs
listening to someone's heart beat like it's the beat of the drums
the feeling of sleeping in
oh and that's just where it begins
moments with the people you love
gazing at the stars above
when your favorite song comes on
staying up with friends till dawn
laughing so hard you cry
the feeling of stomach butterflies
the warmth of my body next to yours
laughing because you snore
silly looking morning hair
the pride after bowling a spare
wearing my yellow boots
drinking lots of apple juice
hot cocoa after a rough day of sledding
petting a dog who isn't shedding
hearing a joke for the first time
finding the perfect tree to climb
reuniting with someone you miss
the feeling of being kissed
a million things which go unnoticed
but maybe that's because we're to focused
on making sure everything is perfect
but the little things are what make everything worth it.

And somehow
i will strip myself of you
i will remove your name
from my lips
i will no longer speak your name
i will remove your name
from my heart
i will have no attachments to you
and it might take a while
because it's been a long time
but somehow
i
will rid myself of you
but i'm not saying that when someone else speaks your name
i won't still smile
or if i see you around i won't say hi
but i'm stripping myself of you
no longer will i be the one to try
i'm stripping myself of
you

when i leave my hometown
i leave pieces of myself behind
leaving home is bittersweet
i've made so many memories
I'm leaving all the landmarks for
those memories behind
sometimes i wish time didn't go so fast
i cannot hit rewind
there are a multitude of landmarks
that remind me of you
like when we went to cross the creek
and you lost my shoe
in my new beginning
those reminders will not exist
i'll be 828 miles away
from where we first kissed
and even after all this time
these memories still dig deep
someone once said that there is never
the same kind of love twice
i wonder which version of my love
you keep
part of me will always love you
so leaving home is hard
it's time to move on in life
to pull a different card
i wonder if you ever think of me
i guess i'll never know
but when i visit home i'll always think of you
and so
i'll keep you in my memories
and somewhere in my heart
there will always be a place for you
no matter how long we've been apart
and i couldn't tell you why
i feel the way i do
i just think that you should know
i will always love you.

today my name
is just another reminder
that my father never cared
Alysia spelled a l y s i  a
or in some cases ayslia
the name my father gave me yet
he cannot seem to get it right
but when you're on ****
it's hard to get anything right
my name is shrouded in dark shadows
it tastes bitter in my mouth
just another reminder of
my father's failure
it sounds like the car that crashed into my heart  the day I recognized my father's absence
my name is Alysia spelled alysia
or aylisa depending on his state of mind

i fear that i have met my soul mate
and he has not met his
thousands of miles away and yet
by his words alone
i am sure
and my soul mate is not the man i claim to love
he is a stranger
walking down foreign streets
with scars on his heart that look similar to mine
but he only faintly knows my name
and i doubt he could pronounce it
that's the trouble with poets
they can capture your heart from miles away
behind a computer screen
i fear that i have met my soul mate
and he
has not met
his.

Spend the night with me
we'll cuddle
and tell each other bed time stories
and we'll fall asleep
intertwined
you made your way
into my heart
have i even scratched the surface
of yours?

how deep is deep enough?
how far will I sink?
will i touch the bottom before my lungs
have no oxygen left to drink?
will i just dissipate into the water?
they say 70% of the earth is made up of the ocean
and I too have 70%
I think I'll blend in nicely

bibliophile
because i like watching
my collection compile
the feeling of a book
is one i can't explain
it's happiness, excitement
a thrill for my brain
books make for wonderful friends
because the next book starts when the first one ends
and there's a giant supply
a list of things to read
a list so big, i couldn't possibly complete
books are the perfect gift
because a piece of you is always in it
it warms my soul
a smile of gold
because of what in my hands
i hold
because a book is much more
than words on a page
it's part of a writer's soul captured
but not caged
because writing is like bleeding
and that's why i love reading
and so when you give me
your favorite book
it's not something lightly took
because a piece of you
is somewhere in there.

you never let me win
with you it's always
a fight
and apparently i'm never
right
you can't just let things go
and i suppose i'm just as bad
i push you trying to win
trying to have my way
for a moment
we're both acting like kids
but you never just say
drop it
you have to be right
even when you're wrong
and don't get me wrong
i love you to death
but arguing with you
is leaving me out of breath
can you just not for once?
can you just let it be
because i wouldn't argue
if you didn't ALWAYS disagree
and sometimes i don't tell you things
because you're like this
and how could i tell you it'll end up in fists
and i know i'm bad at it
and i haven't confronted you
but i don't want to make you mad
but it's gotten really bad
to the point where i like time away from you
better than time with you
are you mad because i'm leaving
i won't be too far
i just need room for breathing
need room for change
and staying here would be the definition of insane
doing the same thing
everyday
expecting things to somehow change
and i don't think you understand my need
maybe you have it too
but my soul is starving
i'm not trying to leave you behind
i'm just running on a new path trying to find
who i am supposed to be
and there's still time
to catch up to me
things won't be as bad as they seem
i just wish that you could see

25 more days in captivation
44 until i'm actually free
graduation can't come any sooner
I want to know if  you're waiting for me

when I give you the letter
liberation
no longer ****** by curiosity

when i give you the letter will things change?
or will they be how they've always been?

weird
is looking at someone you've know your whole life
and realizing that they are a stranger
hurt
is realizing that maybe they didn't want you to know them
confused
is wondering how easily the person you knew was replaced
curious
is wanting to know who this new person is

sitting at home
i slept in today
should have gone to school
my health is more important
i've lost
my appetite
can't seem to eat a whole lot
i'm always tired
something is wrong
can't tell what
don't want to go to the
doctor
probably nothing
a cold?
maybe stress
whatever it is
i'll be fine.

sometimes i forget
that you don't have time
for me anymore
and that maybe
i should just
give
up
but
then
then you come back
it's like a roller coaster
and i can't seem to get off
because the thrill is worth
the disappointment when the ride stops
and you have no idea
but i just can't seem to tell you
what am i so afraid of?
because anything would be better than this
i'd rather you completely reject me
than sit here
not knowing
i want to tell you
i really really do
but you have to understand that i just
can't
and it's only hurting me
as far as i know
i just wish...
i  just wish that  there were more time in a day

I want your warmth
so come
let's cuddle
until we beat the cold
and darling with you
i want to grow old
we can lay by the fire
reading together
and i couldn't think of anything better.

lately i need music
to lull me to sleep
beautiful melodies
lure me into dreams
silence doesn't cut it
in silence my mind screams
it seems silence is louder
than i can manage
so i put in my head phones
and music acts as a bandage.

don't get too attached to me
i'll distance
myself


from




you

                        up
my guard is          

my strongest soldiers are just watching
waiting to tear
y  o   u
                                              a  p  a  r  t

so­ don't get to attached to me
because i won't ever feel the same
there is a barrier intact now
that barrier that only seems to crumble
when |he| is around
he will always be a mystery to me
and maybe
that's what gets me
he's the book i want to read
but he's unattainable
i've read merely a few chapters and i'm hooked
but the library wanted him back
i could no longer read him
late
my book overdue
and i knew that date would come
they never marked it in ink
but it was etched in my bones
i could only renew
for so long
and then eventually his pages were no longer mine
my borrowed time with him was over
a late fee lingers over my heart
but every now and then
i borrow him again
i steal glances
but lately, i can't seem to read but page at a time
i've left plenty of books half-read
and had no problem with it
but he is encrypted in my binding
his name written on the pages of my heart
and i can't seem to put him down
i too, am a book
and i realize that we are separated by genre
he's in science fiction
and i'm  historical fiction
once, i read a book that combined the two,
it was beautiful
and maybe i was hoping
we too(two)
could be
beautiful.