You're it.

And I dont know if thats just my inner child talking or if its my real heart. Thats where it gets so confused. All of the time. So confused.
Am I just living out this deja vu script my family wrote out for me even before I was born.

Or is it love.

I always said love was freedom but that was the first thing I gave you and now Im left with nothing.

Love plus love doesnt seem to equal love, somehow.

I was never good at math.

is there any such thing
as too much ink
too many pens
more paper
than the human heart can fill?

the heart does nothing
but pump the blood that is necessary
to fill my fingers
to move
to scrawl too much ink
with too many pens
on more paper
than such a treacherous ***** deserves.

but the heart will get its ink
if it has to bleed dry in order to fill
the pens that it thinks it should have
to defile more paper
than any forest should have to give.

the heart will have what it wants
forests
nibs
and veins
be ******

in the dark
a life of its own
is there a way to see you
it’s alright
it’s your own mystery
and you know why

the soft spot in my heart for you
is anywhere you decide to look
you watch me
in the middle of a song
or what the passion I live for
you know it could be about you
but you have be shared
the life I discover
is too narrow a hole to crawl

i can’t seem to decide
the monsters are so familiar
i understand them now
they can’t help themselves
so i ask a simple question
is love worth being eaten alive?

hey,
i dreamt about you last night,
i woke up feeling lost and empty;
why is it that after so long,
my subconscious still thinks about you?

what a coincidence it was,
when i saw a glimpse of you in the mall,
was it even you?
or simply a fragment of my imagination?
i turned around to dodge your line of sight;
i wanted to pretend i was never there.

seeing you again,
made me drown in emotions,
i thought i got rid of.
i remember the late nights,
the thoughts of you,
me trying to let you go,
and i really thought i already have.

i'm sorry,
it seems as though,
you're still engraved in my heart,
i can't seem to push away the thought of you,
or the loneliness your memory brings me.

but here i am,
writing,
hugging the stuffed toy you once gave me,
at 11:11,
hoping that someday and somehow,
you,
my wish,
would come true.

it's embarrassing but it's true.
i just googled "how to fall in love".
and i googled "how to fall in love" because i am not in love right now and i really, really want to be.
my google searchings were inconclusive and i am just as unsatisfied
mind, body, and spirit
as i was when i started typing "h" into the search bar
there is nothing in my heart right now.
my mother knocked and no one was home.
it makes me anxious:
how did i go from someone so overwhelmed by the enormity and ever-presence of her emotions
to someone so void of them that i feel an echo in my chest when someone says my name?
i've also googled sociopathy,
but apparently i'm not one of those.
so here i am, somewhere on a sliding scale
between all or nothing.
and i report from the field that it is not, in fact, all or nothing.
i know i'm not alone out here,
but it sure does feel like it,
when i reach out and even shadows don't reach back.
it's not like i've already accepted dying alone but it's not looking likely that i'll be marrying my college sweetheart, either.
i just want my feelings back.
is there a link to that in the first page of google results?
i'll even pay for shipping, i guess.