when people ask me if we like eachother
I reply back and say
"no we're just friends"
but I tend to think different because the other night:
when you were drunk,
you told me how you thought my laugh was perfect
and that whenever I do
it makes you smile
and how my smile lights up any room I walk into
when you were drunk,
you told me how you loved my eyes
and how they change from brown to green
you got mad at your friend who tried talking to me
and kept saying to him
"No she's mine"
People say that the truth comes out when you're drunk
I just wish you could say these things sober.
Whenever I bring up another boy,
you pretend like you don't care
but I can tell by the way your tone changes
and how you look at me like I've said the worst possible thing I could.
I don't think you realize
that if you said you wanted to be with me
I would drop anyone for you
but then I remember
"we're just friends"

My mouth is a confessional
a forgive me father for i have sinned
lips locked tight, secret keeper.
Words split, splatter the inside of my cheeks
and they slide, jagged down my throat

and lips don't meet collarbones,
and skin doesn't meet skin,
and my body is drenched in my own fingerprints
because my arms are covered in goosebumps
and i'm screaming THIS IS NOT ME
inside my head

i will never be bold, *****, beautiful enough for you
your experiences will far surpass mine,
I dig my fingernails in between my lips,
they creak open like the door to a dusty room...
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

i am stuck in my own skin

i can feel you
distancing yourself from me
i can feel continental drift
i wonder, do the shoes
you wear to run from me
have holes in them?
or do you go barefoot
careful not to make a sound
in your retreat. "cover your tracks & don't look back" i imagine
your demons whisper daily
as you are growing fond of me
i wonder if your heart puts up a fight when you want to see me
or if it's a massacre
& the demons dance
on dreams you have
of us holding hands
do you wander to your car
only to find yourself back in bed?
do you put your makeup on
just to take if off again?  
is your imagination of me
a graveyard, or a pair of open arms
that are inches away
but just out of reach?
you see, what i've been so afraid
to tell you for so long,
why i feign sometimes
before speaking
careful not to tell you
all my unspoken promises,
it has to do with the night you had your head on my chest and confessed you never thought my heart
could beat like hummingbird wings:
i apologize for my silence
what i've been trying to say
is that my heart hasn't slowed down
since the day we drank coffee together
continents apart

see that house on the corner? the one with blue shutters.
I used to live there, you know.
I did.
and I had a room.
my very own room
with lilac walls and smooth wooden floors
perfect for twirling and sliding and slipping
and huge bay windows, my eyes to the world
that I’d draw on some misty mornings
and I loved how my fingers could wipe away the blur
and I’d look out at the stars and dream.
I had toys there, you know.
lots of dolls and bears and crayons.
sometimes I’d line them all up and sing for them.
and dance.
and they’d clap their hands and paws and cheer and throw flowers
with petals crafted from light-years of imagination
and we’d build tents together out of blankets and chairs
and tell spooky stories and cuddle when we got too scared.
I knew every nook and cranny in that room
every creaky floorboard, every crack in the plaster
was music to my ears, was a familiar face  
I knew it all by heart
like a song from my princess movies
which I loved very much, you know.

then one day we moved.
we packed up our memories
in boxes piled to the sky
and my teddies and dolls cried
from their bins in the van.
and I stood in the doorway of my empty room
just looked around for a while, you know.
and there were no tents or dance shows or anything.
not even one stray sock.
just bare lilac walls and smooth wooden floors
I tried twirling and sliding and slipping, but I couldn't.
everything I loved was no longer mine.
my friends were just absent furniture and toys
had they ever been anything more? I thought
as I climbed down the stairs
older.
wiser?
and I wondered if maybe a new girl would move in
and I wondered if she’d take my dolls and bears and crayons.

The beat of my heart,
Tore my chest apart.
I think that i'm getting a heart attack,
Now that we are finally apart.

You said that you would never leave,
You said all those silly things I still believe.
How could you leave and have me grieve,
Standing at your grave covered by leaves.

Young man/woman, I gave my love to,
You are the only one who can fit in my shoe.
All the time we spent together, time so few,
We were one and no longer two.

Now that you're gone far away,
I wish to come meet you there someday.
And when I do come, we shall replay,
That precious hour of our wedding day.

But now as I lie in my bed alone,
I still hope for a call from my phone,
In hope that you called for an ice cream cone.
Too bad for me, our house only has a scone.

Am I delirious
To think you'll ever come back?
It's been far too long
And I know that
You've long forgotten me now
But a part of me still hangs on
To the memory of you
And that makes it almost impossible
To forget you too

i say yes
because
i don't
have
anything
to
lose.

i say no
because
i don't
want to
lose
everything.

have a nice life
don’t let me stop you
you were always
full of life
everyone laughed
I wish it was contagious.

have a nice life
tell mom i loved her
tell dad i hated him
tell yourself you
were my everything.

have a nice life
try to
even though i couldn’t.
Hearts break
or turn to lead
in this mad world.