The feeling in my heart was gone,
I had lost the will to live...
So I came up with a plan.
Slowly, and surely, I would push people away from me.
If everybody hated me, and nobody cared,
I could leave this world without causing heartache.

So I pushed my friends away, I shut down,
I made it so I only depended on myself.
The thing that made it worse,
Was that nobody fought back.
None of my friends ever asked if I was okay,
Nobody wanted to hear what I had to say.

The friends I believed were my own family,
They shrugged off my pain as if it never existed...
They didn't care if I pushed them away,
If I was cut off from the world.
Nobody spoke up. Nobody batted an eye.
So that was it. Now, I could finally be free...

But, if I'm still here,
Something must have happened.
If I'm still here to speak, to type my feelings,
Something must have changed my heart.
I can honestly say,
It was something I never expected. Something 'my plan' did not include.

My internet friends wouldn't let me die.
The friends I had never seen,
The friends I had never felt,
The friends who I'd never heard their voice.
But that day,
I heard them loud and clear.

I never met them,
But they felt more real than life.
I could feel their emotions, they connected with me,
They loved me for who I was.
They changed my mind about life, about death,
Something I never thought could ever happen.

I feel like I can hear their hearts through the keyboard,
I feel like I can hear their voice speak to my heart,
I feel their hands in mine when I need a friend,
I feel their fingers wiping away my tears when I can't hold back,
And I feel them take the knife from my hands.
They're building me up faster than I can tear myself apart.

Those friends...
They are REAL.

There is nowhere you could go
that I would not be there to support you

A promise is a promise

Even if we're lost, unsure and confused
I promise you will not walk this
Winding trek alone

I'll help you figure it out, you said
*Me too

We're doing an assignment in my English class right now
We're supposed to write letters to the government
Short, three sentence notes really
And tell them do something! on a topic that matters to you

Let me tell you
Peer pressure is a powerful things
They made a joke of it

And I-
I am no influencer
I caught my tongue between my teeth
And let them get away with

Apathy

The spiral staircase I chose to take,
I thought I was climbing out.
But every step I go up,
The air seems to grow heavier
And instead of clear night skies,
I see an unending vacuum of darkness.

I want someone to push and pull and climb by my side
But I cannot ask that sacrifice
I cannot need that
For these stairs are a bitter place
And no one wants to talk or taste

I will sew my lips together
And whisper my thoughts only to my needle
My heart will cry silver tears
But no one will know, no one will hear

I climb my stairs alone

i want to believe

you have no idea how badly
i want to believe

it's like a rush
of sugar when it first dissolves on your tongue
crystal and
so much, too beautiful

until suddenly it's
gone

fear
the antiserum
claims its place

like vultures
despair and sugar circle my head, make me
feel insane, a puppy chasing her tail

i, a storyteller and listener
i, in love with the sound of heartbeats pounding in time
i want so badly to believe
that we are going to be okay

but we're only
people,
compartmentalized
fragmented
edges of a
dying whole

the sweeping sadness bitter in my mouth
for all of us- loving and flawed
there is an undeniably real chance
we will be made victims to the end as we know it

Somehow, sugar doesn't taste quite as sweet as before