I am a farm girl or love to pretend that I am one

I graduated with BS Psychology degree in 2009

Yet worked in a retail company for many many years.



I dreamed to be a clinical psychologist you know

As I counted the stocks and boxes in the warehouse

And voided transactions at the check-out-counters.



I desired to help people on how to deal with life's problems

Yet I could not cope up with my own majestic failures

The reality hit like a truck when I did not pass the exam.



I wallowed in the mud of self - pity and bitter tears

As I planted those leeks, basil, onions, peppers and dills

And waited patiently for the babies to sprout and grow.



I sowed dreams yet I nurtured other things like nightmares

And I reaped unrealistic, unhealthy desires and I cried hard

What happened to those teenage aspirations that I had?

I loved you faithfully for years but you love another,
And told me to stop my feelings because it's a bother.
We were friends yet you chose someone else - - - her,
And said that she's the one,  the road to your forever!


Sometimes you held and kissed her gently in front of me,
I was standing there fighting hard to control my jealousy!
My eyes might flicker, my smile falter and my voice break,
Actions I could hide by sighing but feelings I never fake.


I wanted to shout to you "Please look at me and love ME!"
Or do something to set my emotions, my love for you free.
I wanted to run and passionately rain kisses all over you,
But as always white turned black and red changed to blue.



I am still here standing and that my heart isn't really aching,
Looking at you, I just only hear it  quietly and rapidly breaking.
You never knew that tears fall every night from thinking of you,
For despite all the pains you unknowingly caused, I still love you.

To the niqab girl whom I met in Cagaya De Oro City
You were in front of me as we waited in line for hours
We smiled first politely and then we began to talk,
We Shared different insights in almost everything:
Your face veiling practice in Islam fascinated me
My headcovering as Christian piqued your curiosity
Conversations turned to fashion, extremism, and Filipinos,
You saw my face and I saw your beautiful eyes
Yet we never asked each other's names or Facebook accounts,
We were different yet somehow we mirrored each other;
Different religions yet linked by passion to serve God
Different ethnicity and language yet tied by nationality.

It's been weeks since the Marawi siege and I think of you
Hoping that every niqab girl I see in Iligan is you
We were strangers that rainy afternoon of June 2016
Yet I grieve for your loss - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Words are not enough to comfort you sister of the stars but
May your Allah guide and protect you in these times
May my Jesus cover you with His precious Holy blood,
To the niqab girl whom I met in Cagayan De Oro City
Perhaps we'll never see each other again in the future but
Thank you for letting me see the beauty of cultural diversity
And that coexistence is possible if we have open minds
And living in harmony is attainable if we open our hearts.

My feelings are stuck in my mind
If you have time to listen - be so kind.
You are unromantic is what they tell
But my heart knows no reasons why I fell.

You pass me by daily without a glance
A glimpse from you is one in a million chance.
My soul cries of craving for you - only you
Please Sir, hear my feelings oh so true!

Do not close the door of destiny on me
Open the ears of your heart and set me free.
I do not dare ask that you love me in return
Let me confess my emotions which brightly burn.

Love,
Your secret admirer

You bring out the fear in me, the unbearable panic in me
You bring out the weakness and the white flag
The constant feeling of worry and the need to be prepared
You bring out the negative in me, the what ifs and terrible endings
The constant anticipation of how to stop you from ruining me
You bring out the paralyzing fear in me that leaves me breathless
The tingles that spread through my hands, my arms and chest and into my stomach
slowly reaching my face, starting at my nose then spreading under my eyes
they start to twitch and my hands begin to cramp up towards my body
My muscles contracting and tightening within their free will
pretty soon my shoulders tighten up and my body is stiff and im unable to move
I can hardly breathe.....
My chest is tight and its hard to get a good breath.... I'm unable to talk..
All i can do is cry....
But this isn't the only thing you bring out in me.
You bring out the fighter in me, the side of me that doesn't want to give in. You bring out the strength that i must remind myself that i still have
You bring out the side of me that wants to understand you, that doesn't want to fear you
You bring out the DON'T STOP ******* FIGHTING in me
I wish to understand you, i know there is no getting rid of you
I want  to be able to live everyday normal..
I don't want to have that thought in the back of my mind "what if my anxiety picks up today"
I want to be happy and go on with my day and not even have to think about you.
I want to be better, i want to be strong, i want to be in control... but maybe that's it.. maybe your here to show me i cant always be in control?
Sometimes i cry because you bring out the confusion in me and the helplessness.. the fearful child that doesn't know what to do, sometimes i feel it would be easier to end it all... but i cant imagine leaving everyone i love behind... it just ***** that you bring out these thoughts and feelings.. sometimes i don't even know what I'm feeling.
I just want to be happy again