9:30 pm when my mom called me at work
Telling me to leave for a couple of weeks
My father had less than 5 days here on earth
Dying from pancreatic cancer...
I felt that the walls around me came closing in
I heard my spirit and soul got crushed into pieces
I felt the universe stopped for a couple of minutes
Yet I moved because my shift's till 10 o'clock...
I texted my buddies if they were free that night
I needed someone to lean on or cry on
I wanted someone to comfort me in any ways
None replied except "him"...
The one I secretly called my "Mr. Left" for years
Whom I confessed my love two years prior
Who didn't want my romantic feelings for him to grow
Who I stayed friends with despite his rejection...
"I'm at a nearby park just strolling," he texted me
My heart beat wildly with certain decisions to make
Should I go and accompany him around the city?
Should I accept the comfort he's going to offer me?
I closed the store and blinked back the tears
That starlit night I walked around the blocks in daze
Until I arrived at the park which he told me minutes ago
And then I stepped back and went inside a karaoke bar...
I sang in the darkness for two hours - completely alone
Pouring my grief, fears and heartbreak into nothingness
He never texted me again and I knew then that it ended
A Premonition of a dying friendship with him...
A person gets easily fall when he/she is vulnerable
My mother's words rang between the melodies
He was available that night yet I chose myself
To be with me, to be in touch with my own grief...
Soothing myself, "He would never understand anyway..."
Rationalizing, "I'd fall for him again if I did go..."
Better be alone and cry for many things in the night
Than to mistake his comfort as romantic love...
It's almost five years since that night. All along, I was right not to go to him then. A couple of months after my father went to heaven, my friendship with him died. And it really hurt like hell.