A day can start of great, ill be feeling good and have a positive outlook on the day, however i know it wont last. In the back of my mind i worry about another attack...
When will it happen? I hope it doesn't happen today. I just want to be worry free for a change. Will I be able to fight it this time? Will it be a short one or one of my severe ones...
Thousands of thoughts,feelings,scenarios, past present and future events buzz around my mind all day and all night. Its like can never find peace from myself. The world is not my problem, its the anxiety and depression i live with. Making me feel weak, vulnerable, nervous,anxious, alert, high strung, stressed, irritable.... but i try and keep positive and talk myself through.
I saw a video the other day, it was a woman who was describing how anxiety feels, and she was very on point with her descriptions.
I have tried many times to figure out a way to explain what anxiety feels like, but sometimes the descriptions are not as clear.
The woman described the mind being like a highway with nothing but ramps that merge onto the highway, and no off ramps. This is exactly how the mind feels, a cluster of never ending thoughts coming in. You know when someone jumps out and scares you? Imagine feeling that uneasy feeling all day long for no reason. Imagine dreading to start your day because you are afraid of what it has in store for you. Imagine wanting to enjoy going out with friends or your lover but you end up not wanting to go or canceling because just the thought of being out around so many people makes you nervous and uncomfortable.Imagine not being able to ever escape the past. Imagine thinking about never ending "What If's?"  Imagine obsessing over past events and events or scenarios that have never even happened. Imagine over mistakes. Imagine going about your day while feeling uneasy and paranoid. Imagine feeling a constant weight on your chest as if an elephant was crushing you.
Imagine feeling afraid that you will never get better. Imagine hearing voices in your head telling you your not strong enough, you are worthless, you are not going to win, you are not going to get better, you cant get though it, everyone hates you, nobody likes you, you ruin everything! You are nothing......
Imagine feeling mentally, physically and emotionally drained all the time. Imagine feeling like just ending it would be easier for you and the ones around you. Imagine always feeling like a burden.
If you have a loved one of know someone with anxiety or depression please be kind. We are trying our best to help ourselves and help our conditions. Be understanding and supportive, it helps us feel better.  Above all please do not get irritated or angry if we cry after every anxiety or panic attack and apologize for having it. I know after every anxiety or panic attack i have i always cry and tell my fiance im sorry for being the way i am, im sorry for not being able to control it, im sorry i worry you, im sorry i ruin our evenings out because we have to go home... Im so sorry for being like this. Im sorry for putting you through this. Imagine just feeling so out of energy you struggle to catch a breath. Imagine being so exhausted that even talking takes too much energy out of you. Imagine your body feeling like heavy metal and its impossible to move, this is how anxiety feels.

You bring out the fear in me, the unbearable panic in me
You bring out the weakness and the white flag
The constant feeling of worry and the need to be prepared
You bring out the negative in me, the what ifs and terrible endings
The constant anticipation of how to stop you from ruining me
You bring out the paralyzing fear in me that leaves me breathless
The tingles that spread through my hands, my arms and chest and into my stomach
slowly reaching my face, starting at my nose then spreading under my eyes
they start to twitch and my hands begin to cramp up towards my body
My muscles contracting and tightening within their free will
pretty soon my shoulders tighten up and my body is stiff and im unable to move
I can hardly breathe.....
My chest is tight and its hard to get a good breath.... I'm unable to talk..
All i can do is cry....
But this isn't the only thing you bring out in me.
You bring out the fighter in me, the side of me that doesn't want to give in. You bring out the strength that i must remind myself that i still have
You bring out the side of me that wants to understand you, that doesn't want to fear you
You bring out the DON'T STOP ******* FIGHTING in me
I wish to understand you, i know there is no getting rid of you
I want  to be able to live everyday normal..
I don't want to have that thought in the back of my mind "what if my anxiety picks up today"
I want to be happy and go on with my day and not even have to think about you.
I want to be better, i want to be strong, i want to be in control... but maybe that's it.. maybe your here to show me i cant always be in control?
Sometimes i cry because you bring out the confusion in me and the helplessness.. the fearful child that doesn't know what to do, sometimes i feel it would be easier to end it all... but i cant imagine leaving everyone i love behind... it just ***** that you bring out these thoughts and feelings.. sometimes i don't even know what I'm feeling.
I just want to be happy again

I try to be the better person, even to those that kick me while im down
But in the process of trying to help you i almost lost a promising future and the relationship Ive put so much into
I don't know why i couldn't let you go, even though in a way i already had
I let you go as a lover but i had not yet let you go as a friend
I tried to help you and your lover, i spoke highly of her in order to get a job position which is nearly impossible to get if you don't have any ties
And all the while you plotted to hurt me and ruin me, you both had evil intentions, which shouldn't be a surprise but yet i was left baffled and hurt
I understand the hurt you felt when i cut you off in your time of need and i explained the reason for it
your family and closest friends even told you to leave me alone when you told them of your ill intentions, this is what you told me
Yet again i let you in, trying to see the better in you
I don't know why you spread those lies and planted ill images in peoples minds
But those who know me know im nothing like the image you painted of me
All i know is i want to move on from you
I want to stop dreaming of you as the person i knew you to be
the person i could laugh with and have a good time with and tell anything to, the person i could run to and cry on your shoulder and feel like you cared
you had a way of always cheering me up when i was at my lowest
I don't know why you did what you did
I just wish i could erase every memory and feeling of you Ive ever had

Lost in myself
Everything looks familiar but unfamiliar
Feeling like I'm loosing my mind
I know it's anxiety or a panic attack
I know I'm depersonalizing as a retreat
But I keep fighting to stay in the moment
But it's hard to stay in the moment when
The moment already feels foreign
Feeling like I'm going crazy
Going out if my mind
Worry kicks in even more
Even though I tell myself I'm fine
I don't feel fine.. I feel scared
I feel lost, I feel like a burden to those around me

Get out of my mind and out of my heart
All you have done is hurt me
Yet somehow I still have a place in my heart for you
How can I miss someone so malevolent?
How can I miss someone who is so vile?
How can I miss someone who is so hatefull? So revenge hungry?
Why can't you just leave me be?
Please take your memory from my mind
Take the love I have for you from my heart
Take everything that has to do with you away
I miss you when you don't even deserve to be a thought in my mind
Why can you just leave

I hate feeling empty
I hate feeling alone
I feel unwanted and lost
I'm at war with my mind every day
I feel lost and sad
I feel empty, so unattached to this world
what is wrong with me?
Depersonilization is a scary thing
makes you feel like your not who you know you are

I wish you would trust me and keep in your mind that I am faithful and honest
I try to show you I love you and I care
but with all your second guessing it's hard to keep showing you I don't cheat or lie and I will always be 100% honest with you
I know you keep things from me I can see it in your eyes, I know you don't think I notice but I do but I wait for you to open up and talk to me.
the fight is getting tiresome
please understand that if you don't trust me and continue to doubt me there will be no more fight left in me to keep this relationship going.
please understand that without trust and honest from both people there is no relationship..
you say it's your past that creeps up on you and makes you think, but guess what I've been hurt too
I've been used, taken advantage of, cheated on, lied to, I've been a bet to many and a charity case to others, I've been used as revenge or lead on and thrown to waste.
we all have our pasts but we all need to become stronger then our fears. I don't hold my past against you so why must you hold yours against me?
Please... learn to trust...