It’s been a long time since I’ve cared to divulge the thoughts inside my head
Wether it was to mourn or smile
So I’m not sure if the goal is to reach you in bed
Or to write anything worthwhile.
We used our words and we used our ignorance to reach each other wherever we were
Knowing we’d see it but knowing it’d change nothing- for better or worse.
And now maybe this is my curse.

The sad reality is I have what I love
And I have all I ever wanted but I’m alone with it all.
So in the dark some nights I close my eyes and you’re there.
But you aren’t there.
And some nights I think of writing and hoping for your reaction, but you aren’t there.

The truth is you aren’t here you aren’t there, but you’re somewhere. And you’re happy.
Like you deserve to me.
I picture your smile and the warmth of your palms
I’m grateful it’s no longer drugs that keep me calm.
Because those warm palms kept me close
and I’m the one who let go.
The smile made me weak
so I closed my eyes because weak couldn’t be me.
The truth is you were there… right there and offered me everything because you offered me you.
I walked away and broke your heart because even then I knew I wasn’t enough for you.
I was always a ghost that loved you.
I could never feel you there, and you couldn’t feel me.
I was a phantom who hoped my empty words and mediocre poetry would keep you with me.
I was never enough for you Ms. Pretty.
I was just selfish.

The guilt is cutting me
I can’t help but admit
I was the monster to all of them
From whom you hid.

I’m sorry to all those I lied to.
I’m sorry to those I tricked.
I’m sorry for every text

I can’t take it back.
I can’t take back how I lied
How I tricked you, and how I led you to believe that I was better.

I can never take it back.
I just live with this shame
And I can’t blame it on the drugs
There’s no one but me to blame.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself
Even if you did.
Sometimes I want to **** myself
Some time I wish I already did.

Never really been sober minded
Seeking life- might never find it
Lying on a plateau
Pretend it’s a mountain I climbed.

Did it all start with divorce?
Did it start with my mah?
Or when the kid molested me in the back seat of a car?
For any light in my life I caught fireflies
But someone opened and let them all out of the jar.

I can’t lie and I can’t hide
I got called out on the pathetic way I lived my life.
womanizing just pain hiding
If any of you read this- I’m sorry I’m trying.
You don’t have to forgive
I don’t expect any of it at all.
Just know that now when I look at my wife and my baby I hold nothing but hate for the person I was and just know I hate myself in my heart.

I always claimed to be Christian
I always claimed to love God.
I know I Spit in His face with my actions I don’t know how He forgive me at all.

Nearly stopped my heart a couple times
Till friends I couldn’t love stopped by
I didn’t appreciate their hearts, didn’t appreciate they love me
So I lashed out and attacked them all
And I pushed and I pushed till they shoved me.

Honestly I’m really scared
To brutally, honestly tell you the truth
I’m terrified I’ll hurt my bride and my children like I did all if you.

Wether it’s getting high off Percocet
Or **** and lying on the Internet,
Wether it’s puking in toilets from too much to drink
Or getting so I can’t see and/or speak

I’ve seen her crying real tears
So I’ve had to start to face my fears.

My mommy problems and abandonment Issues
Are no reason to treat her like this.

Hi, my name is Blair and I am an addict
Just so you all now, I’m no longer at it.
I can understand why you hate me so much
And I know why you say nothing but negative things, I know why you just can’t get passed it.

I know why still years after
You’re writing emails to my pastor
And saying all of these horrible things not believing I can change and that’s facts.

I try every day to not hate myself
Because I know that’s not how God sees me.
I know I am nothing but a pervert and drunk
Till cried for my savior to save me.

I know you don’t believe it.
I know you hate me it’s no secret.
And I admit to being the monster you think I am years ago
I promise I’m no longer in that pit.

I admit that I punished myself
I admit that I was living like hell.
I admit I was selfish and deserved to be kicked out of Homestead for not thinking of anyone else.

Those were the best friends i ever knew
They were honest, and open and loving and true.
And I’m mad at myself for pushing away
To the point they don’t even know my child’s  name.

Some of you got your payback
To the point we’re still being harassed
People are making fake Grindr accounts
Assuming  it’s me without me being asked.

I’ve made mistakes and that’s and understatement
I can’t take it back- I’ll never change it.
Please accept my sincerest apologies
And let’s just go back to being decent.

To the women I’ve burned
I’m sorry,
To my brothers,
I’m sorry
To everyone who thinks that I’ll never change
I’m sorry and I’m trying.

Drown me
If my sinfulness is to ever end.
Holy water
Holy Ghost
Holy One who ascends.

I want my hands to be clean
I want to break myself free
in every story I’m the hero
Truth be told I’ve always been the villain.

Every morning it’s the same pain
Just another cross placed on my back again.
I can’t carry the weight.
But every day gets a little bit easier.

Curse me to hang from the tree
And give me over to let it be so.
Name a ****** field after me,
So all those who hate me will know.

I received the vengeance they wanted.
I got what I deserved.
I wish I didn’t care.
Sometimes I wish I hate deserted.

I apologize. I’m trying to get better.
Every day gets a little easier.

I burned.

I burned out.
I burned out bright,
I burned out bright,
But I believed I was a light.

I thought salvation lied within,
But it lies within His hands.
I chose to look at myself
In myself
While my flesh fell into hell.

I was not made to stand idly by.
I was not made to promote a false faith.
Yet I did.
I fooled myself.

Your light grows dim
Your sheep have lost a shepherd.
In exchange for a willing slaughter.
Slaughtered by their “love”.

Your ships can’t come to harbor if they’re all lost at sea.

My church is not a brand.
My christ is not a fashion fleeting away.

I’m not quite sure how to navigate and survive
Through a cancel culture other than to duck and hide.
And I’m not quite sure if that’s good enough but either way my anxiety is eating me up inside.

We all know we’ve all made mistakes
and we’ve all fallen short of perfect - it’s all fake.
I’ve said disgusting things and acted disgustingly but years later what does that all mean?
Does it mean I can’t change? I can’t grow up and learn?
How can I make a difference if I can’t be allowed to grow?

I was created for more than this and I know that I’ve moved on.
To move on is to grow and I’m still growing.
I don’t ask anything of you. I haven’t in a long time.
Just please don’t shut me down.
I promise I’ll be better.
Just give me a chance.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I wasn’t a mess.
What would happen if I got to see you in a dress.
What would happen if I let myself cry on your chest.
What would happen if I took 2 seconds to breathe and to rest.

I didn’t give myself a chance because couldn’t.
And I know you can’t forgive me and you shouldn’t.

I know I through the sink at you
And I’m just glad that you withstood it.

Of all the people in the world I could hate,
I just hope to God you’re doing great.
I still remember that $30 bucks you snuck into that hat somehow.
I guess I just wanna day thanks.

Most days,  I wish I would stop breathing.
the same thoughts always repeating.

I stole years from your life
You’ll never get back,
I truly hope you gaining someone from them.

I don’t know if you still think of me.
I don’t know if you’re glad I moved on
Or If you hope I get struck by lightning twice at once.
Or Maybe somewhere in between?

Sometimes regret and anger bugs me,
Until I see my daughter smile in her pink onesie.
I hope one day we can be in the same place and nod.
And acknowledge that the last happened.
we both did messed up things we can’t take back.

I’ll never hate you for it
I’m mostly grateful for it.
I hope you can feel the same back.

Most importantly I’m sorry
For never trying talking
For giving into pills
And turning my back and walking.

I’m doing my best but it’s never enough
I understand that so I just don’t expect much.

I just wanted write something that isn’t depressing.
Not to cry and moan just because I’m stressing.
Not even to apologize and say I’ve learned my lesson.

Just as a loving way to say hi
And give a final goodbye.