WickedHope

WickedHope Jan 2022

I Thought I Could Only Lay Next To People I Hated So I Never Thought I'd Stay

I'm so glad you never knew me then,
When I wrote out my pain
With more than my pen.
Bravado and brandy,
Always going dancing.
It was fun until it wasn't.
I was fun until I wasn't.
I was young until I wasn't.
I'm trying to de-age,
Find some youth,
Grasp some juvenile joviality,
Iron out the wrinkles despair and desperation
Have etched into my face.
I wonder if I met you then,
Would we have ended in the same place?
I was sprinting in a marathon of my own design.
I know you could have kept pace
But would we have had the time?
You say you would have died
And that means I'm meant for you.
But are you sure that loving me,
Even in the Now,
Isn't killing you too?

For all my faults, you're the only one who stayed.

#love #pain #past #hurt #death #recovery #suicide #sabotage

WickedHope Nov 2021

Why Is It Always Stormy Weather When I Pray For Just A ******* Ounce Of Sunshine

I've never cried in front of you
Because I thought you needed to see me be strong
But that was a mistake

You forgot I have feelings
You forgot I am fragile
So so fragile
So so breakable
You can break anything if you try hard enough

But I let you think I was composed
All this time
I hoped it would give you strength
All this time
I hoped it would give you freedom to grow
I now see my flaw
I have always played pretend a little too well

My best lies were always the ones I never spoke
You believed my silence meant I was well constructed
I wonder if I'll ever be able to make you see
That the exposed and crumbling foundations cancered by mold and rot
Are not a trick nor a lie

I wonder if you'll ever start to believe me
When I repeat that you were always the good one
You were always the good one
You're the good one
You're good

JJ let me know if you ever see this
Cause I'm pretty sure you ******* hate me
Which is fine
But I've always loved you

#love #pain #lie #lies #liar #broken

WickedHope Nov 2021

It Prefers When You're Angry But Will Settle For Blue

Watch out for the monster under your bed
It's dark and sharp and will fill you with dread
It licks you when you bleed
and eats up your screams
Whispering ugly little words that clog up your head

It's hungry and desperate and watches closely
Waiting for a moment to destroy you - mostly
It laughs when you cry
Begging "just let me die"
Watch out for the monster creeping and ghostly

The monster steals away bits and pieces of you
It prefers when you're angry but will settle for blue
It gobbles your tears
And plants new fears.
One day you'll see that you are the monster too

Oct 2021

Ciel Noir

Online

sometimes I spend too much time
online
it feels so strange
to go outside
and be myself
in front of everyone else
it's hard to forget
that the world has eyes

online I can be anyone
but outside I am one person
exactly one
no avatar and no veneer
not everywhere or nowhere
exactly here

and when I am here
really here
I feel my feelings
hope and fear
love and desire
when I am not numbed by a screen
I am on fire

sometimes it is
too much to feel
too visceral
too bright
too real

and so I spend my time online
afraid to be a human
afraid to be alive

Oct 2021

Tupelo

Morgue

The morgue is filled with all
the dead faces I once wore,
I am no mortician ,
The bodies have begun to rot,
The men I once claimed to be
can no long pass for the real thing,
I wore their faces like masks,
Played the role that was asked,
Encores were demanded,
I was not prepared for this,
I am no mortician,
The bodies have begun to rot,
I guess the show goes on,
Even with broken things

#sad #life #thoughts #poetry #poem