All you were then.
     All  you've become.
Look at where you’ve been.
     Look at all you’ve done.
All you create.
     All you destroy.
All that you hate.
     All you enjoy.
Those you have charmed,
     with all of your lies.
Those  you have harmed,
     while in your disguise.
All you have taken and
     All you have lost.
All you’ve forsaken and
     All it has cost.
All your deception and
     You still won't admit.
All manipulation.
     Remorse? Not one a bit.
I once was your tool.
     You once had control.
But today I'm no fool.
    And I still have my soul.

Some day I'm sure this will all make sense to me.
someday I'll understand why things went wrong
There will be a *** of gold, you'll see
You'll know I was right all along.
You must have the dark in order
To appreciate the light
So now it's the battle
Tomorrow I'll win the fight.
But forgive me for saying this out of turn
Because it's taken me forever to learn.
But this feels like a big clusterfuck,
Or Just some one with a shot load of bad luck.

How raw we were when we collided.
Like a  comet hit a star.
A flash and I was blindsided.
How amazing we came so far.
Every wall came down for you.
I would never be the same.
There was nothing I wouldnt do
You settled in my soul.
When ever you said my name.
When the world took its toll
Only you kept me sane.
Your heart was warm and safe.
Your touch, let me be free.
Love like Id never known.
I loved you and you loved me.
You are one thing Ill never regret.
Because you taught me to love and I will never forget.



I feel settled deep in my bones

I held it by its stem to blow all the seeds away.
A dandelion to grant me the perfect wish that day.
I found it in a beautiful field of green.
With the most colorful wild fowers I'd ever seen.
I thought all the colors were a positive sign.
That whatever I wished for would surely be mine.
So on that breezy spring day...
"Please make him love me" is what I did say.
But Dandelion Magic isn't real,
And it can't change the way you feel.
So just because I blew the seeds away.
It didn't do anything to make you stay.

Lied to
from the start.
By you, with
no heart.
Manipulated.
Dug in deep.
Confiscated.
Secrets you keep.
Cruelty,
words you use.
Fragile me.
Mental abuse.
Emotional beating
all I've lost
Self depleting
to high a cost.
Insecure,
After you.
No detour.
What could I do?
Control it all.
Constant stalking.
I can't call,
we're not talking.
Fist to face.
Cover it over.
Leave no trace.
I'm Still sober.
Bleed me dry
Use my fear
See me cry.
Enjoy that tear.
Why can't they see?
I must leave.
Torturing me.
You deceive,
Can't appease
I can't relieve.
There is no peace
How can there be?
I tried to run.
Now I hide.
But he won.
I must confide.
Will always see.
My Fear does linger
That I'll forever be.
Under his finger

I died inside when you said "I don't know".
I thought..."Really?"
"Seriously?"
"How can this be?"
Wasn't it your toung that helped you to
form the words that came from
The mouth attached to your face.
A face on your head, that has 2 eyes to see,
And 2 ears that hear,
And a mind that works so fast.
With millions of electrical impules,
Racing around at the speed of light
To form ideas and thoughts and emotions?
Yet out of all of a million possible things
That you could have done or said,
You CHOSE the one thing that
You knew would hurt me the most.
As my eyes filled with tears,
And my world collapsed.
I asked you "Why?"
And all you can say is
"I don't know".

It's the rage,
  I didn't expect.
    All because...
      You couldn't accept.
        That you didn't affect,
          My ability to be happy
            And do what's right.
               Not because of you,
                  But in spite.

You aren't supposed to keep
   secrets, I know.
But its so much safer if you don't let them show.
   Because if they don't know
   what really matters, you
   see.
They don't pay any attention to me.
   If they don't know how to
   make you cry....
Then they usually just pass you by and don't even try.

One upon a time there
     was just me.
A head filled with dreams
     of the things I'd do and see.
     We all dream of big things we want to do.
     If you're lucky, some come true.
     But no matter what they may say....
     Life can get in the way.
     But that's OK
     Because of all the adventures I thought I'd go through....
     The most fun I've ever had has been being a mom you.

I still don't know what
was the trigger.
Suddenly, He was just mad
all the time.
Every argument just got bigger.  
Whose fault was it all ?
That would be mine.
He used to think everything about me was great.
He used to love everything I did.
Now all he feels is hate
and the best I can do is stay hid.
What happened to the man the who said that vow?
He's gone and whose left is so dark.
I don't think he will change now.
All he cares about is leaving a mark.

All the little pieces of me.
Scattered everywhere.
Put together I will never be.
Because you simply didn't care.

I wander aimlessly.
Missing the part you did take.
The part that meant the most to me.
Now I have no faith.

You made me lose my ability
To live as if I was free.
It's the damage you can't see
That forever ruined me.

All the ways I should have felt it.
It was right there in front of me.
It felt like something didn't fit.
So many red flags I failed to see...
What you said, that I didn't hear,
All that time I spent alone.
I didn't see what was  so clear.
All the missed calls on your phone...
All the emotions you didn't feel.
Everytime you had to go.
All the feelings that weren't  real.
Was it really all for show?
All the times you were so mean.
How on earth did I not know?
So many ways I should have seen.
How I felt I was all wrong.
Every gut feeling I just disposed of.
And you let me believe all along
It was never even close to love.

You can't say you didn't know.
Or that it wasn't your intention.
Because you kept putting on a show.
And it was you who felt the need to mention...
That I Wasn't worthy of someone like you...
Nothing I did kept you satisfied.
So that no matter what I would do.
There would never be enough to provide.  
And because you needed action.
The anger you could no longer hide...
Crushed me finally giving  you satisfaction.

Only a coward hides....
Behind fake bravado.
When his ego subsides,
It's your fault.." His motto.
He reads you like a book.
Remembers every page. Once he's sure you're on the hook,
He'll start to rattle your cage.
He knows which nerve to strike.
He consumes every pain.
Sometimes, he's so lifelike,
you forget he's so insane.
He doesn't even have to try.
It's just the way he is.
At your brain he'll slowly pry.
But he'll never reveal his.  
He's arrogance screaming of entitlement.
He really doesn't consider that bad.
So Don't expect any enlightenment.
Hell, he say its the most fun he's had.
No rest for the wicked he'll say.
And its still your fault he'll insist.
He's been up tweekin a week + a day.
Its pointless to try to resist.

Oh the horrible he stories he will tell about you....
And some will believe his version.
There isn't much you can do.
You can't explain such *******.

All you can do is keep him out of your mind.
Run away & dont ever look back.
Its evil of a whole other kind.
Remember there's something he'll forever lack,
Look hard,  its his soul you'll never find.

I indulge in the colorful and outrageous.
    I let lose every once in a blue moon.  
Because Laughter is so contagious.
    I love how quickly it fills a room.
I've always had a tooth so sweet
    Sugar can cause wild behavior.
Like jumping up on a table to sing.
    You gotta choose anything but vanilla flavor.
     Because I know you want to sweeten everything.

How did this happen?
I can still feel your hand
in my hair.
I can't comprehend...
How could I prepare?
I thought we covered every angle.
But now I'm alone,
With my heart in a tangle.
We set the boundries.
You agreed, just for fun.
You said no feelings.
We said no emotion.
Then we both did things
we said we wouldn't do.
But you started it.
You said "I love you".
What did I say when u let it slip?
Never again I said
"Thats It!"
Actualy, I begged,
It was more like a plea.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
You just got back into bed,
threaded your fingers through my hair.
I thought, "Please don't do this to me..."
And with that stare,
you made me see.
Like a Knife cutting through
You said "It's ok to love me"
And Oh God, how I loved you.
And it was was done.
There was nothing else I could do.
No more just for fun.
You said right there.
Promised you wouldn't go.
There with Your fingers threaded through my hair.
And now I don't know
U don't play fair.
I'm  Caught...
You should be there
Some how I forgot...
I wasn't supposed to care...
No forget me not...
It was that penetrating stare...
Somehow I missed that angle...
With Your hand in my hair....
You're forever stuck in the tangle.

I'll would love you, broke or wealthy...
My love for you is unconditional.
I loved you when you were a sick man or healthy.
Unconditional is my love.
I promised you Id stand by you and I wouldn't just run away.
But you know you can't treat me this way .
You know hurting me will never be OK.
My love for you was always unconditional.
But You Had To Know that There were always conditions to make me stay.

Im going home, it's all I can do.
You took me away from there.
I'm walking away from you.
From this God awful nitemare.
From your anger & lack of Gratitude.
From your constant criticizing stare.
From your condescending attitude.
From every head game you play.
From your constant ridicule.
From every hurtful thing you say.
This was never mutually beneficial.
Your idea of love brought me so low.
What did I ever think  was so special?
So, I'm walking home alone, I gotta go.

When you see me...
You better not say "Hi".
And don't you dare smile.
Don't stop, just walk on by.
Don't let your eyes grow wide
As if you're happy to see me.
I'm not on your side,
You don't even know me.

Don't think that time has healed any of your trauma.
Just pretend you never saw me,
I won't participate in your sick little drama.