Just a girl

Just a girl Feb 2018

There's nothing you could ever possibly say to me, to make me forget..
Or regret ever having met you.
You fooled me for years but now that love is nowhere near.
I can finally see you and what you are.

Your just the devil in sheep's clothing.

#loathe #you #mistake #divorce

Just a girl Jan 2018

Numb

Its weird when I think about it, I felt so much but now I feel nothing.

I'm having trouble getting out of bed.
I don't want to wake the day I just want to stay here all day.

I guess this is depression.
Isn't that what they call it?

Staring at the same wall all day.
Thoughts passing in and out of your mind all day.
But nothing significant, nothing of meaning or purpose just passing thoughts I'd call it.

My alarm is going off, but it fades away.
As I'm starting to fade..

Wasen't there something I was supposed to do today?

Oh right life, it never stops not even on your worst day.

Time to put on that fake smile and start the day.

#depression #dark #numb

Just a girl Jan 2018

What a joke...

Its been awhile since I could stand on my own feet again without all the pain knocking me back down.
The consequences that are rendered.
Loving a man who never gave a ****.
All this time that's passed and the realization hits you like a dagger to the heart...

I never meant a **** thing to that man..

Just a girl Jan 2018

Always and Never

Why did you have to write to me.
Pretending that you cared.
Why did you have to write after months of showing me you never cared.
That letter was absolute *******.
I loved you more than never! And you write me with smug comments and a distant attitude.
The truth is what matters and I left you because you became a liar.
Always and never, *******.
What a horrible thing to say to someone who never did anything wrong but try to love you past the pain you inflicted over and over again.
You will always end up alone because you are to blind and ignorant to realize you are the true reason to your own destruction.
Another failed relationship, one right after the other.
Now you can go ahead an add failed marriage to your roster.
You never loved anything in your life, and that is the real sadness.
One day in the distant future you will be old and alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
That letter you wrote me was pure nonsense because you're still a child blaming me when you've destroyed the only real person in your life that ever truly loved you, looked past everything you did and tried to help you beyond her own pain.
That is real love I stayed for all the right reasons even though you failed to ever provide me with one.

I'm so ashamed I ever loved someone like you.

I'm sorry for the language I'm just venting because I'm so hurt but so disgusted at the same time.

#fuckyou #loathe #destruction #denial #truth

Just a girl Jan 2018

Cursed

I think the devil had a good laugh that day.
You know, the day I walked out of your life.
He's been my only company, besides pure misery.
Constantly tormenting my thoughts with pure negativity.
Making me believe and relive my worst fears.
A nightmare I can't get out of.
Where I relive the moment I realized you couldn't of cared about me and how I bled to death trying to save us.

Its a hell I'd never wish on anyone, where all your fears are realized in one single nightmare.

I'm cursed.

Living out my days in bitter torment.
The sleepless nights.
The wide awake.
The detachment of the mind.
The longing.
The yearning.
The never ending tears.
Loving you was my biggest curse, this much I understand.

I'm sure you're thinking how ridiculous, how absurd.
Please forgive me, I never knew pain like this.

I just want to find the light again and come back to life again.
So for now I guess, I'll just lie awake at night, pray to a God who I feel has forgotten about me, until he forgives me for ending a marriage that simple broke me.

Sorry for the heavy and for the dark just
cannot help myself from venting.

#marriage #divorce #dark #depression #sadness #tears

Just a girl Jan 2018

Favorite

How can it be you're so toxic for me, but you remain my favorite human?
What the **** is wrong with me?

How can you love a person with all of your being and yet know it can never be?

Does this make me crazy?
Utterly weak?

I'm ashamed of the way I feel.
Because my hearts desire reflects my sanity.
Please tell me I'm not crazy for loving someone unworthy.

#heartache #crazyasfuck #ashamed #toxic #love

Just a girl Jan 2018

Sleep tight

What keeps you up at night?
I wouldn't say me..
I see you out there looking for another me.
How many have you taken to your bed to fill the mere memory of me?

How long does it take before you're back there?
Swimming alone in our memories after they leave?
Lighting me back on fire in your dreams.
A repeat of me leaving permanently stained by the doing of your own hands.

How long will you keep this facade up that you're happy.
The lie of pure happiness when you're nothing but sad.

#him #past #love #lies

— The End —