Juice freshly squeezed
From poisoned apples I sip
Happiness as I knew it
Has seized to exist
Without you I can't sleep
I've tried and tried
But all night
Your smile keeps me counting sheep
Days pass but it only gets tougher
To live is to suffer
To love is suicide
Inside my mind memories I hide
I reminisce your presence
My now's no longer a present
My face craves your touch
Since you
That good
It's never felt as such
My cheeks miss your lips
Withdrawn from your magic
My mind flips
A love story gone tragic
Before it even started
My heart ripped
Into pieces
When we parted
Away those pieces are sweeped
In the trash they are heaped
Jesus!
These thoughts make me weep
On a ***** so steep
I'm hanging off the tip
Trying to get a grip
Acquainted with grief
Searching for peace
Watching water drip
Off the surface of a leaf
Observing people breathe
And trees swayed by the breeze
Playing the same old songs on repeat
I'm looking for some kind of relief
Apart from diving in for a swim
In a pool of liquor that's cheap
Aware you hear me not when I speak
And this poem you might never read
But know I know no bliss
Though I see the lamp in the tunnel lit
The one placed at the end of it
My dear, you are greatly missed
From within my soul deep

did you hear them?
my cries for help, did you hear them?
of course you did, but you were so caught up in the *** & how beautiful it felt to touch me in ways that most had never gotten to.
you were too caught up in the grips of the walls of my ******, instead you should have been focusing on the way i was gripping onto your arm holding on for dear life, trying not to drown in everything that you seemed to be but weren't.

when i knew that you were only there for the ***, it was too late..
darling, i was already lost in your soul.. fighting your demons that couldn't stand even the scent of me.. they hated me, you hated me..
you claimed to be passionate about me when the only thing you were ever passionate about was the warmth of my body against yours, and the fire that we were so near to starting from the friction of your body rubbing 'gainst mine..
you were caught up in f--king me, when all i wanted was for you to f--k the **** out of my desires dear.
you wanted to 'make love' to me, when i really wanted you to make love to my being.
you were caught up in the depth of my intimacy when you should have been lost in the depth of my soul.
**my brain is a ****** *****, dont forget to stroke that also.

as i fell on the ground with a dull thud, listening to the cracking of my bones, did you really have to pretend?
you pretended to love me, you pretended..
i allowed myself to be intrigued by the lies that slipped from the beautiful  place that is your lips..
you made me feel so powerful and now i feel... nothing!
because you lied & you had no idea what you were doing to me..
as i dug deep into my skin with a razor so sharp that it could **** a man, i thought of you and all of the things you said to me.
you destroyed me.
i had forgotten about you but you've somehow managed to escape from the oubliette.
is there a lover that i can run to for cwtsh?
NO THERE ISNT.. so what am i to ******* do to escape this horrible feeling? this mess that you made of me, how do you expect anyone on God's green earth to be able to clean it up? to be able to love me without question? you were selfish, i would've never done this to you.. but i should have, you were undeserving of my love, undeserving of a Queen and i hope any trace of happiness in your life crashes & burns.. i hope any bond that you try to create dies a slow.. horrific death dear.

here's to a la mort of a love that can never be,
a outrance of feelings that never got to be expressed.
i hate that my heart is so refractory,
how can i be in love with someone i know nothing about?

never seen you yet somehow i've seen you,
never spoken to you yet i've had numerous conversations about you..
i want to enodate my thoughts onto the canvas that is your heart,
but how can i?

you're probably in love with a lightskin beauty,
but is there any room for a caramel skinned Queen?
or will i be too much of a challenge,
too much of something too brilliant?

my feelings for you are pygalgia,
please darling allow me the chance
to search your soul & find the most unappealing things,
but love you anyway...

you're soul is too ostrobogulous for a quean,
may my being coruscate in the very darkest place of your heart.
til you realize your soul's worth,
til you realize yupukta my love.

Monday is a struggle in itself, how treacherous she is, so unpromising..
Tuesday is just another day.. i try to get through but when you're losing hope its hard to even.. exist..
Wednesday is my least favorite day, im just waiting for Friday to get here.
Thursday, by the time he's here my existence is about ready to just fade away into the darkness that is similar to my spirit.
Friday is here, this is what ive been waiting for.. glasses full of whiskey as i try to numb the pain and as im half way through the only thing im able to do is remember you.. the very thing i am trying to forget.
& then Saturday comes, and i try again.. you know, it never works out but im not giving up! til the day i can drink glasses of whiskey and get inebriated without pouring out my heart halfway in  because i miss you! i live for that beautiful day.
Sunday... oh isnt this great? one day before Monday and i start all over again.. the process.. its eating away at my soul & i dont know how much longer i can do this

he was a mystery in himself,
allowing me to have no trace of an idea of how he felt..
i was kind of mystery too, but the kind that if you got close enough you could easily find clues to whatever you were unsure of..
sometimes i wondered.. if behind closed doors he felt the way i did..
did he obsess? did he shed a tear? was he still awake at 4am?
of course he wasnt.. i was in this alone, werent i?
was it only me shedding the tears that burned my skin in the most beautiful way possible? was it only me obsessing over the things i would say & the things i wouldnt?
i believe it is only me..
but you know, i dream of a time where both he & i can feel the same unique feeling of love & bliss for one another, at the same time..
on the same level..
and for all the right reasons i have hope!
hope that he too will shiver at the wrath of my touch,
hope that he will open up to me enough so that even if i wanted to destroy him.. i would have the power to.

hello 4am,
we meet again..
but do you have to be so rasping?
drowning in my thoughts,
they want me to give in..
im nazlanmak.

mono no aware

reminding me of my Erlebnisse.
am i lonely or in love?
which one is worse?

i am an enternitarian.
i help me to live another day,
so 4am you will not be the decider of my fate.

i am druxy, indeed..
but do you have to rub it in?
will we ever get along?
are you interested?

4am you are franching at my soul,
eating at my being
& i can never be of eunoia
.. because of you