and with a heart so empty,
so fill with nothing..
does it even still beat?
i dont know, i cant hear a thing!

with my thoughts so loud,
they never let me rest at night
& when i finally do close my eyes in hopes to escape..
i know that the sun rises again to give me hell.

when i try to forget you,
thats what makes it worse..
i try to eliminate the urge for you to hold me,
i would hope that my screams are louder than the sound of your voice,
that lingers throughout my body at 4am.

when will i find peace?

i allowed myself to destroy myself in the process of loving someone who could never love me back..
                                                         ­            *-an 18 word poem.

ive been brooding,
lurking your pages,
thinking of how we would conflate so well..
do you think of me?
do you ever ask yourself, "does she exist?"

i admire your cynosure.
& i hope my eloquence impresses you.
will we ever be?
erstwhile.. maybe

im tired of relationships that are evanescent,
so when you get here, will you be here awhile?
i will imbue my love in you..
it'd require you to have interest in a non-ingénue being.
a being so brilliant that you will start to question your soul and the size of your crown, my King.

you will not become jaded,
inure,
for i am a Queen of lagniappe.
i will have you twisting and turning at the quakes of my soul..

is your mind as beautiful as mine?
is your soul as deep?
can we be panoply, i hope.
can our love be sempiternal..

*wherewithal of our love.

do we really want to be here?
or are we living in the moment?
.. with a scare from my demons,
the moment you realized who i was and what i was capable of..
why didnt you run?

you should have ran for your life,
you never should have came here..
and now,
now you made a mess of things and the bantam of sanity i had left..
disappeared

darling, did you realize the detriment?
did you realize the anguish before you left?
im not angry with you, because who would stay?
you should have left though..
when you realized that i was impractical..
when you looked in my eyes and saw my demons playing hopscotch in the back of my head..

did it scare you?
of course it did..
you left me here, alone..
you abandoned me because you were afraid but i dont need someone who's afraid to face my demons and all that comes along with me..
i need someone that will channel the demons and stare at my soul even if it is the most darkest thing that they have ever seen..
even if it scares you to the point where you wont know if you'll ever be sane again..

i've dreamed of cafuné,
long nights of habromania..
i died a little as i realized how much i wanted you,
no matter what your past was, or what you had done..
which was not to say that i would let you know,
but you moved me..
more chemically than anyone that i've ever known.

every other man seemed pale beside you,
had a scintilla of what we would be like together..
i believe we loved each other,
just never at the same time.

as im capernoited,
i think of you
which makes me only want to down the entire bottle of whiskey...

fanaa..
i have destroyed myself,
destroyed myself in love...
i dont blame you at all,
but with your help i did the very things i never thought i would..

i dream of an amaranthine love,
so eternally beautiful that we forget ourselves and our past
& just live off of love.
love, ive witnessed peripeteia..

ive dreamed of redemancy,
but i can only dream darling..

when its all said and done baby,
what was there to hold onto?
empty promises and lies?
i bet my passion still haunts you..

i bet my soul still makes you nervous,
i bet my voice still lingers in the deepest parts of your body..
like a disease spreading through your veins,
& i hope it never ends..

you will always remember me,
you will always miss me..
when you try to build something new,
with someone new,
all that you think you have will crash and burn..

everything you think youre creating,
will be diminished
& whatever little piece of happiness you find,
will die a slow death..

you will try to find someone like me
someone better than me but,
sorry dear..

is this really love? or is it more?
a feeling that cant be described..
yet, it feels like ive been here before
this moment, ive seen it
these feelings arent new to me..

this is deeper than love
its bigger than love
this is more powerful than any two lovers can even fathom

the way my soul quakes at the very sound of your voice..
the way my nose cringes at the calling of your name
.. the way im awake at 4am, expressing my feelings through a poem because i cant build up enough courage to spill my guts to you..
it hurts..
holding it in hurts more than letting it go,
you not knowing is hurting more than if you knew..

not afraid of being hurt by you,
babe im strong enough to get over it..
ive encountered too many sleepless nights,
too many dark thoughts,
too many cuts at the wrists,
too many wet pillows and broken pencil sharpeners..

too many to be afraid of love..
im stronger than ive ever been and im not afraid to search you!
im not afraid,
to search the deepest parts of your soul,
to love all of the bad parts of you.

i yearn for a lover that drinks whiskey and eats roses,
a lover not afraid to love me until i strain all of the energy from him
i yearn for the depth,
a certain compatibility that everyone else has failed to achieve

i want nothing to do with the ordinary,
i will not settle.
i want to know that your soul matches mine
that we are on the same mental level
so that when we are together, we are a force so powerful that the earth will quake along with our souls..

**or is that too much too ask?

....and the moment i saw you i knew you were trouble..
the way your eyes held so many different emotions
a devil in disguise

did i really let my guard down?
did i really?
held my breathe and dived into my feelings for you.
no regrets
    n
             o
                       n
                                e.

for a moment i hated the thought of what could happen..
but then you smiled at me
and...
well, i lost all control over my being
                         loving you recklessly..

no what if's, buts, or maybe's!
no why's or regrets
the moment i fell for you even though i was unsure if you felt the same way..
i was fine with it, baby is that okay?

i mean... you..
you're so perfect in your being
my soul is in love with you
in love with what we could be..
in love with the very thought of you loving me back
.. **can you?