we wrote more poetry
in the wrinkles of your sheets
in one night than
I have written in the pages
of my journal all year

it seems like such a haze
my past has been set ablaze
i went on my very first date
in three years and the whole
time i was wondering back
to what it felt like when it was
me and you
everything's different this time
and i don't know where i am
floating in between hellos
and goodbyes i feel like
i'm caught in between love
and loss
its getting hard to get by
and i don't know if i really want
to try
with someone new and he's here
telling me about his daddy issues
and i'm thinking about
how you never dealt with yours

this doesn't feel good
goodnight.

1am
you knock at my door
i open it, standing there
in my oversized tshirt
and my hair done in braids
i let you in
you have a new speaker
you're so excited
you apologize
because your retainer
is still in your mouth
and your hair looks
like you haven't brushed it
and i don't know
how to tell you that
you are the most beautiful
person i have ever seen
you ask me for music
preference but i say
whatever you want
because you are my
melody and i could
dance to you all
night long
you climb on my
roommate's bed and
sit there because
she's out of town
and i get in bed
we sit in silence
you with your retainer
and me with my glasses
we're listening to
indie music and laughing
saying maybe today
the world isn't so ******
and this bass is just
so **** perfect
and we're not lovers
we're just friends
and that is so much
better than anything
i could ask for
you ask me how we
are so perfect
together and i
tell you that it is
because your presence
feels so much like
home to me
it gets later in the night
and you're falling asleep
we talk about your dreams
you want to return to
cape town and become
someone dedicated to
service and love
and i don't know
how to tell you that
you are so perfect
to me and i love the way
you hold yourself and
always strive to be someone
better, stronger, greater
we're listening to songs
in languages i don't speak
but gosh
your eyes light up when we
speak of the fields and
the ceremonies
you feel like you belong there
and i feel like i would
like to be somewhere near you
so that after you're done
saving the world for the day
you can come lie
next to me and we can
listen to indie songs
until we fall asleep.

can we intertwine like
the paints on your palette?
till my green hues
mix flawlessly with your blues?
till there is no me and
there is no you?

jaan ** yaar tum meri
i was on the floor
brushing away the
broken pieces and remains
of who i was and the
future i had
and you were there
covered in all the words
i wish i'd never said
out of which perhaps
the one that burnt the
most was
i love you
people in love don't
hurt each other like
this and i shouldn't
have loved you if
it meant hurting you
and after every fight
every broken bone
you held me and whispered
jaan ** tum meri*
you are my life
and like waves crashing
at the shoreline
i felt like
you had touched me in
a way that changed
me forever

my body misses you more than i do

no, no,
hold up,
before you accuse me
of being a "*** addict"
or only "wanting you for your body"
hear me out

when i say my body misses you more than i do
i mean
when we
started being more like a you and a me
i didn't like it
but neither did my body

TMI but
my stomach hasn't been so well
going to the bathroom after every meal
and nausea kinda follows me around
it's hard to lift my feet off the ground
i feel heavy
like i don't know to explain
what that means
but basically
my knees are buckling
and there is a bolus of food
stuck in my windpipe
it's getting kinda hard to fight

last night i started craving
fried food and sugar
and okay- maybe that's just ***
but like
my period is a good ten days away
that's not to say
that it shouldn't be this way
but
it shouldn't be this way

i got onion rings
but then threw them all up
because i could smell the oil
there is downright turmoil
in this body of mine
its definitely not fine

i wonder if i have bulimia
but that seems too simple an explanation
there's more to this situation
yesterday we talked
and i felt like i could eat
a three course meal and keep it
but now,
****,
a bite and i run to the bathroom
is it food poisoning?
i doubt it
because if you were here right now
i would be fine

all that aside
my heart is crumbling
my chest is collapsing
i can feel my ribs
break and buckle
because they have no use
left anyway
with all that heart break
and ****

so
i miss you
i do
but my body does too

your cheeks blush
a light red, a dark pink
and i think to myself
maybe it's time
that i wash off the
oppression from your skin
the colonial violence
and the crimes against humanity
your eyes are a certain kind
of blue that i always
associated with privilege and pain
but maybe there's more to them
the ocean under the moon
the poppies mid-june
you burn under the sun
but maybe that isn't a punishment from God
instead a blessing from the
God of Sun who loves you
so much that She can't help but
kiss you just a little too long
your white skin speaks
of your history with your all too obvious
scars and bruises that shine
(you couldn't ever see mine)
maybe they are not from the wars you started
but the ones you fought
protecting yourself from your
own demons
while you button your shirt,
i see the light shadow of blonde
clean-shaven, button-up in a suit
white men with power over me
white men who want to hurt me
i am the enemy, i think.
he is the enemy, i think.
they are the enemy, i think.
or maybe-
maybe he is the midnights turned morning
the coffee and the cream cheese
the husband
the father
the start of a revolution
colored light brown, dark white
the lineage that is not of oppressors
the lineage that is not of the oppressed
the lineage
that is us-
survivors, fighters, or simply-
just two kids in love.