I had a crazy thought...
not like "**** someone" crazy
but it' s still somewhat crazy.

Like ,
I' d probably have more visitors if I went to jail
but I' m here alone in this apartment with not one friend to stop by just to hail.

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
not like "suicide" crazy
but like "What would they do if I die ?" crazy.

Like ,
They' ll probably cry cause I' m gone
but they won' t smile cause I' m here.
Reminisce on the "times that we had"
but what time did we share ?
Probably say things like
"You' ll never be forgotten"
with a cry so tender.
I' ll never forget all those years wondering
if I' ll ever be remembered.

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
Not like "revenge" crazy
but like "Then again..." crazy.

Like ,
what would it do to you
you know...
everything that was done to me ?
What if I made you think
your life was in my hands
cause it was fun for me ?
Or
make your battles seem not so tough
and even with your efforts supreme
I' ll make sure of this theme;
"It' s still not enough."

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
not exactly
"they' re all the same" crazy
but
I DO recall this pain.
Crazy.

Like ,
you left cause I hurt you.
And yes ,
I AM sorry I did.
But how come you couldn' t stay cause I helped heal you ?
Because I' m sure that I did.
Is there a better man for you than me
ya know one who' s...
"safer" ?
Someone who can fulfill your "Nows"
cause you just can' t wait for later.
What happens when your "Nows"
are gone ?
Will I come to mind ?
Will you be reminded that man
you' ve always wanted
was in me the entire time ?
Did you forget something
or
even a few things ?
Like
the plight
from all these fights
last all these nights
and yet
in spite of
the fright of
this traumitized man...
he' s still trying.
He was barely surviving when
life ,
friends and family
all went by him.
Frightened for his life
cause he was dying.
Crying
cause the heart inside him
was now divided.
Emotional chaos.
Mental riots.
It was never quiet.
****** sleep.
******* diet.
He should speak but he' s silent.
No confidence in confiding
In there mind
"He' s too big ! He' s a giant
there' s no need to pacify him."
They deny that they denied him...

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
None of this is surprising.

Sitting as close as I could
watching you
as if I' m stalking you
as you' re going and going
like the clock is too.

You sedate me.
**** near make me
feel somewhat like a baby...
small and under control
and less crazy.

You' re like a chief
Heavily respected in these streets
or a cup of tea
something to enjoy as you read.
Big and small
at the same time.
Only few can be.
As cool as the breeze
something to enjoy as you breathe.

Thank you
for making things feel fair.
As it relates to me
having a shared experience
seems rare.
You help me feel like everyone else
here.
Cause if you ask me
"Do you ever get tired of being different?"
Yeah.

"Suicide just may be easier if you' re able do it twice." - Passenger

What if death feels ,  good ?
Not euphoric....just good.
No state of ecstasy ,
not that kind of novelty.

Think of laying down ,
on a freshly-made bed , after a tiresome day.

Think of that first sigh of relief.

Envision the back of your eyelids
as all noise becomes no noise.

Feel your aching bones and stressed muscles softening against your comforting linen sheets.

Who knew , nothingness , could be so rewarding ?

Now ,

imagine your reality.

Is it against comforting linen ?

Mine feels swaddled in hand-me-downs.

In case of an emergency ,

hope.

Hope , that the "emergency" was just a false alarm.

In case of an emergency ,

pray...

then wait.

"Patience is a virtue"

but patience brought pain....

addiction

depression

questions.

I never could accept  emergencies.

My mother having a minor stroke as I watched helplessly....

Finding my father ,
collapsed in pain unable to move...

Having a gun aimed at my head as I slept....

STD's....

Going broke.

Losing.

Hoping.

Crying.

Dying.

My heart stopped a few times ,
in a few ways.

There' s always some unfair compromise
with the promise of anxiety.

What' s the first thing you' ll do if you found out there' s no remedy for your emergency ?

I' d really like to lay down.

Oh by the way ,

I' m a Christian.

to finally feel the bliss of
Invisibility.

*******.
Ahh...that feels good.
I don't care about being liked.
Who cares about being "right"?
Don't need to be understood.

I don't care about you.
Ahh...that actually feels like a "fix".
I didn't ask to be treated like that
so no need to ask why I'll treat you like this.  

I know, this is a bit rude.
I know you think my words are a little brash.
But shut the **** up though
because I didn't ask.

I could justify this energy.
I COULD give you the "why".
but I'm not gonna, so if you wanna leave
*******...goodbye.

But ! If you're one of the smart ones
the ones who actually get it
through all of these ugly slurs
you'll actually respect this.
You'll already know
there's two sides to every story.
You just haven't read the side that's selfless.