I was young. A girl of just 13 when my life was taken away from me.
He was a leader to me and someone I trusted deeply. But when doors were closed and rooms were dark, he was a demon.
He took little pieces of me away. My sanity, my trust, my everything.
No one knew what he was doing but neither did I. I was young and naive. Always trusting someone.
All I could do was feel trapped as he touched my innocent tiny body. Touched all the parts that he shouldn't have. Parts that were mine and mine only.
I felt trapped and suffocated over the months it accured. I felt more and more disturbed and felt like this wasn't right.
My mother told me to say out loud if things like this happened.
But I couldn't.
I would disappoint her. So I lashed out at him. It was sudden anger and trapping myself in my room for him to stay away. Countless knifes littered my room if he ever forced himself on me.
That little girl disappeared with his hands.
And to this day he is still in the family. The demon I am forced to consider my father.
No one knows.
Not that I would ever tell them.

It is has been a bit since I have smiled
It has been a while since I gave a ****.
Been putting off everything saying it can wait.
But the longer I wait the more full my plate becomes.
Overdue papers and failing grades
But I can't come up with a single reason to care.

My job is stupid and always stressful. Working long hours everyday and I can't find a reason to work anymore.
Hating my job and hating me.

Cuts on my legs like a tictactoe board and it doesn't worry me.
Nothing does anymore.

It has been a while since I have smiled.
It has been a while since I have enjoyed my existence.

Finally free from the walls I built up around me.
I dont know what made me build them. Maybe it was to feel safe.
Maybe it was all the promises that they made.
That I would be happy, safe, and fine.
I built up the walls around me and put everyone around me on such a high status.
I had to be the perfect person. The person they would love me to be.
I am finally figuring out. That no matter how isolated I am. It will never make me happy.
That no matter how hard I try you can never be the perfect person
I am finally free. Or at least I am trying.
If you do not like me for me, that is fine but I will not try to be the person you want me to be.
Free yourself and be who you want to be.
Cause the only person to ever make you happy.
Is yourself.

It feels like a elementary crush.
Like no matter what
You will never like me back
You say you do
But she is always on your mind
And it hurts
But I keep crushing
And loving you
Even when I will never get it back.

Pain
That is all I can feel
I want to eat
But how can I when my mind tells me not too
That that food will make me fat.
So I look at it
Say I deserve the pain
I talk to people
But I keep thinking they are lying
That they are just trying to make me feel better

Pain
and I know it can **** me
I know the effects
I know what I am doing
And my brain says
That this will make me happy

Pain
and that is all there is
I want to stop it.
But who said I didn't deserve it.