Your heart beats LOUD
Like thunderclap
like things id come to fear
in rougher hands
your lightning lit eyes
remind me that i love storms
In the i used to dance in them way
that i was the bomb at sunday dinner
the passion made thing
you let me be
thank you
thank you
thank you
and you thank me for it
for being what i always was
I lay and listen to your heart and it reminds me
of thunderstorms
when i felt invincible
It reminds me of shouting into the southern sea
against gale force winds
I dont know how to explain
it started this simple thing
it grows everyday
tell me more...youre a book i never want to close.

Talking to you,
it’s like drawing breath
like waking up to soft sunlight
and stretching out
feeling for what’s familiar
but different
for what's changed
while I was sleeping
the danger of waking up
is that suddenly
I depend on the sun
even though its been there all the time
its the realization
that its vital
that it warms my limbs
as they stretch hesitantly
into the new morning air
the danger of opening my eyes
is that suddenly i am vulnerable
no longer in sleep-safe dreams  
where all can be experienced
without feeling pain
but with open eyes
I take the risk
I put my heart out
and suddenly nothing’s certain
and I feel like a child
begging the day not to break me
hoping that the dream exist
that you’ll keep feeling the same
even now that I’m awake.

I'm such a **** up
I've alienated most my friends
By being too honest
Or needing them too much

I'm entirely made of salt
Over the things you have said
And how confused they have left me
"If this is you cold
Your warmth must have been radiant"
Good luck with your long game
She is so ******* lucky

As I lay next to him in bed
He says words
Foriegn to his tounge
"I love it when you sing"
I know he's afraid to lose me.
"I'm sorry
I ever called your writing trite."
"You look so beautiful like that."
Why?
You only see me when the color drains
From my eyes.
You only see me
When I'm fading.

Blooms are my favorite things
The way they spread open
by sun or moonlight
How they are laid out
at weddings and funerals
I keep them domestic on the diner table
And wild in the yard,
where I had spread wild flower seeds.

Anemone,
Blooms so numerous
that rivers run red.

3 hrs of sleep
And waiting in the cold guest bed
For you to leave
For work
So I can quietly dissapear
After the damage I've done.

I never wanted to hurt you

I told you last night
That my love for you
ran dry
Before I even knew it was dying
Tears filled your eyes like saucers
And mine

I never wanted to hurt you

A string of friend's couches in waiting
I hope I find an apartment soon
I need a home apart from you
I dont really know how to move
all my things

Magpie
For dark hair
and light eyes
And rugged charm
But so are they
For red hair and red lips
like baiting crows
With shiny things
Waiting for ravens
with colors in their wings
The play of colors
like dancing flames
Makes all the difference.

I am nervous
every time you speak to me
Every time I  know your face
is on the horizon
its been six months
my heart should not be a jack hammer,
or humming bird wings
or 128th beats
But
it still hasn't learned
how to be steady
when my name spills from your lips
like music.
only to keep the time
which is to fast and too slow
in your presence

Mind-reader wanted!
In bold face type
Where you will never see it
I've gotten drunk to long
On being understood
I don't think I can survive
Without it.

I'm gonna break
I miss being able to call you up
I wonder if your home tonight...
I've no right to wonder
or to call.
still...silent...space
abounds.

I thought I saw your car today
the blood rushed to my feet ready to run
Though I know you'd never come near me in public
not even to throw a verbal barb to my self esteem
which was your favorite game.
Everything you did was far too meticulously planned.
I remember a time when I thought you would never hurt me,
But now fear freeze frames new faces
Wondering if they will change like you did
Your evolution
sinister,
destruction,
Like a slow soaking rain
that no one notices until the dam breaks
and they are drowning in it.

I met your easy laugh on the ocean
where fire beings seem to love to be.
We like flirting with impossible unions.
We came together to the sound of wave crash
sizzling like water on a stove top
spilled out by shaking hands.
bright beings lost in fever for each other.
I couldn't leave you in the ocean
the last day found my hands shaking around paper
pushed light int your pocket
I know you've kept it safe  
so i wonder if the way we walked on the islands
is burned into your memory.
I wonder if i am new in the place of your sweet tooth
you are new in my list of addictions
under the label
"not bad for you"
I wonder if I'm filed under
girl who laughs and loves like a teenager
free and unguarded
for the first time sense the first time
I'm not a warning at the port mouth
pecked apart by crows and groaning
this is a pirates love affair
you've amnesty or the map to the treasure
all that's left is the choosing.

You hurt her
Your hands too big too strong
Your love too fickle
Don't you know her heart is forest
And you are fire
Be gentle next time
She is worth more than you
But this you know

I love him
I love the way he looks at me
Makes me feel beauty
goddess
fire-brand
The way he vibes with me
all acceptance and waiting arms
I love collapsing into him
letting him support me

But thats just it
I let him support me
I can stand
but I don't have to
how dare you criticize me
for needing him

I am different from you
but I am not wrong
he knows secrets from my lips
i have never spoken to another sole
because he accepts me
and everyone needs to be accepted
and loved unconditionally
He's taught me to be that for myself
by being that for me

something that you never were
who call yourself family

Beautiful girls who write sad poetry
are dangerous things
we've come to the conclusion
that love is not always a force for positive good
and in a woman
who's been taught love is all.
This is a displacement of identity.
Which changes the soul.
From malleable object,
to unstoppable force.

Of course
They planted birch trees on the green
Peeling paper bark trees
Shading the head
And stirring the heart
Saying even nature makes paper
So write enough to fill the sky

I could fill the sky with this summers pain
But I'm not sure that I want to
I'm getting awful sick of rain.

Somewhere inside my ribcage
the one your hands grasp
and linger over
the one that holds my lungs
that are fit to burst when i see you
is a heart which loves you
it relishes your words
and only beats your name
in its frantic paces
and its rare steady ones
as it stumbles and rushes
and when I am peacefully in your arms
holding you close
my head on your shoulder
just feeling you solidly there
and writing stories
and sharing love
and with you
my entire world is music
and my heart loves your heart
because i can hear it speaking with mine
somewhere beneath your ribcage
beside the lungs that give volume
to precious words
is your heart
and i can feel it beat against my hand
and i can hear you say
that you love me

I know the static hangs in the air
like bully thrown shoes
on a power line
And electricity cast
like searching fingers
from silent beings
you've got your rubber gloves
And I've got mine

Why throw me into doubt?
Look at me,
You know my hearts never been out
Of the little box of love you've seen.

Why drunkenly kiss my hand?
And why right then?
You knew I was afraid again,
Why usher the doubt in?

Why you, in your maturity,
You knew better:
Knew better than to touch me.

Voicing your warnings of wait,
From a vantage
Of bitter taste.

Friend ,
I was young and happy,
Why widen the crack
For doubt to come it.

Moonstruck
stareing out windows
Frantic fingers type
Manic words
About things i cant explain
Yet need you to understand
Like why i reread the same books
And why i think its funny
That you have the same passion for math
That i have for words
And how those things
Covort in my brain
Like children trying to play the same game of pretend
And that it works for breif moments
Do you see it

Recovery days are necessary
but I cannot get away from you long enough
For my tongue to stop turning to ash
In my throat
And for food to taste like food
I'm glad I can make my coffee have calories
Because every time I eat I *****
Brave face starts today
With a run
And a smile

In the not so simple way
Like dawn light on the moors
And those lines scrawled
On ancheint brick walls
Like the same reason
That that scene in that movie
(Ive watched 100 times)
Effects me so
You stir somthing in my soul.

I never knew
How much
Words from the mouth
Of my eleven year old niece
Would mean

Just at the age
Where people start
Judging
Girls for beauty

And she looks up to me
Her unconventional aunt
I hope she learns
To love her body
Long before I did
I hope she learns
Kind words never go amiss
I hope she never
Has a love that hurts like hell
I hope every love
Treats her well
I hope I am a good example
For one who is already so good

I feel consistently unwanted
Always afraid
That I’m really worth only
The time someone pays
And when they stop giving
My worth plummets down
I know this is flawed
But it makes a deafening sound
Like so much screaming
Like midnight fights
I’m left in the foray
In the dark of the night
I hate being lonely
I hate how my mind
Turns against me in dreams
How good days it grinds
With one lost moment
It ruins good pace
And I go crazy
Seeing things out of place

I'm so grateful to know you
don't pay attention
so I can say I love you
too much
when you're looking away
i know you've been loosing your hearing
since before you met me  
i'm so glad I'm loud
but i try not to say it too much
because i've seen it change meaning
upon repetition
i fear it will fade
or you're saying it in other ways

You don't wear jealousy well.
Its raised hackles bring out the green of your eyes
and the dark, animalistic way they've been lit lately.
You foam desire,
claws empty.
You are peeking through the key hole.
While I'm trying to peel my back from the door frame.
Where I've been slumped since you walked out,
tail tucked but shoulders certain.
Now, I hear your frantic scratches and whining.
Wild dog, I know you'd go running
in the other direction
if I even placed my hand on the door ***.
I feel you just want to know there's a bowl for you
and a warm place by the fire.
Fine, you have it,
but my heart cant hang
by the leash on the coat rack
unused but hopeful.
That's too much to ask.

For 3 months I've been
60 percent of a girlfriend
There are 3 hearts involved
And that's about 2 tons of emotional carnage
I cried myself to sleep 3 times last night
You sent 5 text messages
There is 1 person who can fix this
I'm 100 percent done spending time on you
Because my heart is 100 percent broken
I haven't broke like this
since i was young
Screaming into my 2 pillows
But you've 3 years of history
And I'm sure even more of being miserable
But my 10 fingers
1 mouth
And 2 eyes
Must be closed to the subject

I want you to stop hurting
i want to take your pain
i want to hold you close
you ask me to refrain
i know that you are coping
i know you are afraid
i'm left here waiting hoping
that you will be okay

I'm sitting on the ground
Somewhere in Charlotte
To tired and sad to move
Getting eaten by bugs
I can't identify
I just wish you would call me
So I could feel
that we were still alright

You know how people say they love poetry? How they can quote the classics and elicit a response of admiration from those surrounding them? I can quote very little poetry. I know so few lines by heart. But I love poetry in that I could bury myself in it. And despite that some of my own words fall flat on the paper, I love the play of the lines. Poetry is the cure for the sadness in muly soul. Good writing is better than alcohol and I like to drink in both. I watch him smoke his cigarettes, a few a day. The way he lazily holds them in fingers and lips. I rarely smoke, but I hold words in that same lazy way and with that same desperate need. I wrote these words long ago... but something in you has woken my soul.

This is probably a bad idea
But ****
You are electric
And chalenging
And wicked smart
So maybe it wont be so bad
But at the same time
I know
I should keep my hands
To my **** self
Because you are not alone

Cancer didn't make me Cry:
I have not cried
Except when I think of leaving you
When I look at all the wonderful
Perfect moments that life has been
All strung together like a melody
The only true crime I could think of
That heaven could raise against us
Though heaven could commit not crime
But if life were to
Then it would be asking me to leave you now
I could no more die
In this moment than I could stop loving you
Than I could have stopped from loving you in the first
The reality is
That all the melodies bleed together
Into one simple symphony
One short desperate sonnet
And that is the necessity of loving you


Changes:
I know he loved my ringlets
Their lengths wrapping around him
Like the sheets we tangle around us
But now he calls me his little flapper
His hands wrapping in the short strands
The ones he knows will fall away
I know he loved my ethic
The way I worked everyday to be perfect
But now when I can do nothing to stay thin
He tells me to eat so I can get better
I know he loved the carefree
The way he didn't have to worry about me
But still he stays beside me
And something about that
Makes me think he loves me

Its 6 am
The cicadas fill the air
With their repetative songs
Of lust
Just out of time
With the ticking clock on the wall
Its just enough
to keep and insomniac awake
But so is silence.

Its 6 am
and i wish i could lace
My pink running shoes
And chase the bats from my head
With the sherbert coloured sunrise
Yet they are burried
In my back seat
Under all the things
I somehow aquired.
And dont want anymore

Its 6 am
And i like the silence
Of my own breathing
Filling the strange room
And i dont know
Despite being half mad
And displaced
I find a smile on my lips
A kind of bliss in the solitude.
And now:
I have so much time to read.

Every little thing
the phone calls,
and you wanting to see me
and the little things you share
infinitesimally small differences
in how you trust
and how my heart beats
i haven't fallen in love this way before
this isn't the flame i remember
but its not one ill soon forget

Im wearing the dress I wore
That day
Behind that box office window.
I remember you looking at your hands
Like they were suddenly to big for your body
And the words you said to me
"Is there any way I can get to know you better"
Ill tell you everything
Inside my soul

I love holding your hand
how i can feel your heart beat
in my finger tips
I love the warmth of your skin
against my ever cold body
i love kissing
at night
and in the morning
and when you leave for work
and when you're being silly
i love dancing with you
when i get home
I love being yours
I love you
I am fascinated
You are an enigma
that my scientist brain can never understand
  and my writers heart can never put into words
you are stardust
and stomach butterflies
you are the most nonsensical
and yet most vital concept in my world.
I am convinced that you are magic
and not in the silly tricks kind of way
but in the way magic existed
before people figured out science
and who's to say they are not the same
you can show me the chemicals in my brain
that make up love.
but no,
what we have is magic
because you make me notebooks
out of six pack cardboard,
you make me dance in front of strangers,
and i can't come up
with a sensible reason that you still
steal my breath just by existing.

loving you is a punk show
Passion so unbridaled
It leaves the participants
Comparing bruises
Not the kind left by pain
But extacsy

In a month
Will we be okay
In a month
Will you ******* call
In a month
Will we be sad friends
With misplaced hearts
In a month
Do you start writing poetry again
In a month
Will it be for me
In a month
Will we be strangers
In a month
Will you whisper my name next to crazy
In a month
Will you regret leaving me
Breathing to fast on a floor
In a month
Do you apologize
In a month
If you do do I walk away
In a month
In a month
I'll be back in school
In a month
What exactly do I do
When in a month
I am still in love with you

How dare you talk to me like that
I'm not your honey
anymore.
How dare you call me
tell me
you realize you did the worst possible thing
and ask for me back
how dare you
say i never loved you
if i don't take you back
I loved you way to much
I owe you nothing
not a ******* word
I spent the night
trying to make sure
you were going to be okay
that you weren't going to die
of your self loathing
I didn't sleep because
i
for some unexplainable reason
still want to help you
but i cant come back to you
we can never be again
nick
i am so sorry
but we just cant

You said I was like the mist
an intangible impermanent thing
destined to fade at sunrise
you are wrong I am, and have always been, the bomb
the cloud of nuclear smoke
ushering in winter
leaving the strong
I am the forest fire
I remake the world
blacked in fall
pale green in spring
I shape, I do not fade
but you wouldn't know
you couldn't feel fire
when it touched your soul.

looking back
the stars have been there all along
they watched over as I cried
and they hurled themselves down
until they were burned up
by the atmosphere
and they almost stopped falling
before  I chose to open my eyes
to open up the atmosphere
and let the bright lights
start a fire

I'll make a brilliant staving artist
In this much pain
Who ******* wants to eat

I called my mom
To ask if this is normal
Ive been with you
For 3 months
And im sorta infatuated
And i like you more everyday
And i admire you
But i dont love you yet
Everyone says thats normal
But love has always hit me like a freight train
And im wondering how much time
I should spend waiting on the track
With you
What if it never comes
My mom just reexplained insanity and said
And how have those frieght train loves
Worked out for you?
Fair point

With a mic in my hand
I'm a little bit shy
But with a pen in my hand
I'm a little bit fly
My brothers really know how to drops some beats
And Ive gotta find the words to make them sound sweet
So while weve gotta little time to ****
Let me introduce you to my brother oneal
Hes our dj and he makes the rules
And when hes around the sounds always cool
Its true people say hes a little hoodrich
But youll really learn to love him when he flips that switch

Next year
Tickets somewhere under 1500 round trip
Airbnb 30 a night
Train passes around 100
1 week in london
1 in dublin
Where I might stay indeffinately
If i dont get into grad school
And find a job
And get a visa
Plus spending money.
Anyway the point is
I need to get out of this town
And probably this country.

And maybe
Ill see you.

Aint that the way of it though
Each new thing
You think you love more
But i guess (lately...doing this again)
What i really want to know
Is it really better (or more)
Or just different.

Artists like us
Have a rare form of narcissism
In which
We think we are ****
But we want others to see our ****
And enjoy it
And when they do.
It's intoxication
To much wine
On an empty stomach
Fade to black

Growing up
My uncle had this *******
Junkyard dog
And the dog had a bear
And i was 5
And i didnt really want the bear
But next thing i knew
It was craddled to my chest
And the dog stratched
to get it back
It left a deep red reminder on my arm
And i hid it from my mom
So she wouldent know i took the dog's bear
I still have a scar there.

But look
what im saying is,
Though this is into the void
And you will never hear it,
I'm sorry.

Nothing reminds me of you,
you never leave my mind.

I've been trying
To drink the same cup of coffee
All ******* day
And every time it crosses my lips
It taste off
Because I think about,
You liking the way
I tasted like coffee and sweetness
When you kissed me that day
At least you said
I've lost another 5lbs
I look better in a swim suit
Than I did two weeks ago
I smelled like chlorine and beauty
And that's not even a smell
At least you said
I write poetry
I think about
How you missed my words
Needed me around so badly
At least you said
I think you might have lied
Though you promised me truth
But if truth is what you've always said
Then something has become a lie
Or you don't know what you said