I come in
standard white girl voice....
but no mine is to deep
"Im sooooo drunk"
Like tell everyone everthing drunk
Too much tequila drunk
Ill talk about my exes and my boyfriend drunk
Glad my roomates are good guys drunk ,
Want to see you drunk
Miss you drunk
Knowing how to pick my poison drunk
Head hung and bleary eyed
Probably have a problem
But im quitting on the new year....
Until st patties day
Im a writer and i need a new bottle of gin drunk.

The pictures and texts
You send
Maybe im peering to deep.
Trying to learn your game.

I wish i could bleed this
I cant make him real on paper
The way he stands
Or smiles
or speaks
Like the impossibly red necesity
Of the blood that flows through my veins
But shows blue through my skin
Not exact
But close
Like my facination with his hands
And that they make art
And that i just want to be close
But cant explain
How that feels
There are no words
In any language
There is only art for this
And that is still impossible to read.

You know how people say they love poetry? How they can quote the classics and elicit a response of admiration from those surrounding them? I can quote very little poetry. I know so few lines by heart. But I love poetry in that I could bury myself in it. And despite that some of my own words fall flat on the paper, I love the play of the lines. Poetry is the cure for the sadness in muly soul. Good writing is better than alcohol and I like to drink in both. I watch hin smoke his cigarettes, a few a day. The way he lazily holds them in fingers and lips. I rarely smoke, but I hold words in that same lazy way and with that same desperate need.

I shouldnt be excited
By you kissing me goodbye
in public
But my heart makes jack hammer beats
And i shouldnt
Love the way your voice sounds
But it makes music
And the fact that you love
The way i nerd out
Shouldent make me feel special
But it does

It was never about you
hateing the way I dress
But you trying to dress me
Or you hating it when I sang
But the way you made me stop
Or you complaining about my red lipstick
But the fact you wouldnt kiss me
Or you sleeping in anothers arms
But that you blamed it on me
And now I realize it was never about me
Not even a little.

Now I understand the flame of your presence
to my lofty moth wings
and my icarus heart
your sadness is sweet love potion
aphrodisiac comfort of childhood
I see the echoes of my soul
in your deep river eyes
calm surfaced with a storm underneath
I come from the same water
your multifunction brain,
Analytics and creativity
you've argued once before that only schizos
can process two complex ideas at the same time
and i wonder how deep my problems go
because that cant possibly be true
I've told you I've worlds in my brain
i process multiple lives simultaneously
I know you feel me
I see you, I've whispered crazy things all my life
you think you're bizarre
i think we are alike.

I watch you two
Struggle for each other
In an ocean
Of self doubt
And beaten self Esteam
Can you see perfection
When it crosses your palm like a bribe
Begging not silence but speach

I got nervous before I saw you
Wonder what that means.

I am always happy
when I'm with you
I Love you like I'm not,
Which is to say
I've always known
love as congruent to pain.
smiles lasting only moments
Melting like snow
loving you is not like that
you are endless evergreen
your laughter is a bubbling happiness
magic is a concrete thing
our play is immortal childhood
it's believing in the triumph of good
And I don't know
how to do things like that.

My brain likes to auto destruct
And feed poison thoughts
I know you are better
than the rest

Watching shell-shock set in
eyes to the ground
at the ****** scene.
how does one cope
with ignorance and hatred
directed, and winning
How can I tell my friends
to stay safe
when they in turn say
"It's not in my hands"
and it's just become
apparent that thats true.

Cheater

a friend doesn’t let you **** up your life

that girl was not your friend.

I’m sorry to ruin that for you

the solace that you took

at least you got a friend

in the end

that girl that let your throw it away

that saw how miserable you were in the end

that girl was not your friend.

I’m not saying it was her fault

it was yours

I’m merely saying that a friend would have made sure

you would have been okay

that girl was not your friend.

And then you lied to your other friends

said that we were open

i really should not be your friend

In my life silence has never been comphortable
Quiet has always rang like a gong in my mind
Letting worlds break their bonds and flood
like dam breaks far above desert towns
You make the silence focused, useful
with you nearby words come easy
nothing is lost, overpowering
I'm not sure what I'm saying
but you are being on fire
and not burning

The way you want to talk about things
That i dont qiute understand
I like that you want to know me
Beyond just my bed
I want to know you too
And why you smile so big
And why your laugh
Sounds so sweet
And how you keep up
With your life which is facinating

Your girl smacked me
It was play and also a warning
"I hate your perfect baby skin"
And a sting that lasted the evening
I was already wary
She warned me about a game
I'd already stopped playing.
*****, believe me
I know this would come to no good.

I half wonder
If I should go to mass
I'm not catholic
But maybe I could find peace
in the timbre of the priests speech
Or in  traditions
That I don't know
I think I could cross my chest correctly
I think I could pass
Pretend I am not bitter
for a minute
Lay aside my heavy heart
And go to mass.

Realizing my doubt
Is not your fault
Someone long ago realized
There is a monster in my rib cage
Eating at my heart
And I have always ingnored it
Even from the start
Steadfastly believed
I have always been happy

But sometging must have changed
And now I know
its not the way you say my name
(This still breathes the way it did)
Or the way you kiss me
(You still put fire in my veins)
Or the way you look at me
(My heart still stops)

But instead its growing up
And realizing somethings always been wrong
That the chemical switches in my brain
Have all developed misfires
And that monster in my chest
Has broken through its cage
Is now in my mind

And the fact of it is
I probably need help

There is no Bacchus
watching our coming together
there is no excess,
there is passion, and hunger,
there is no feasting
there is some giving in
too little to get drunk on
I love you
in the strong silent way,
I love your person
I have trouble knowing that you love
I need your passion to break
before me
I need to be drunk on it
pour the wine
and i will stay at your table
speak my name
with love on your tongue
lay out the feast.
and i'll lay my love on the table
if you'll do the same.

My mouth hurts from smiling
pulled muscles in my cheeks
trying to force myself into relaxation
but you cross my mind
and my lips pull back into the bow like shape
I cannot stop from forming
as joy feels my mind like a secret
thats just waiting to burst forth.

I was made to run from this
I've always preferred swift flowing rivers
to ocean fronts
the waves crash in the same place every day
i cant take the repetition
I'm afraid of these things
I don't wanna forget the way your name
feels like truth on my tongue
I'm suggesting that maybe I love you
but with shoes laced
and one hand on the door
you and I are much the same
we are not made to be with other people
so we see each other well.

You managed to **** up
A **** good day
Calling me to talk you down
From a bridge
I know you've never stood on
Saying you cant live without me
Baby you cant live with me
Did you think
that would make me love you
Feeling more like ****
But then again
thats
Always
Been your play.

Today has been spilling
Dark truths
I didn't think I ever wanted to speak.

There are bumble bees
In the wires of my mind
Buzzing and *******
Somewhere behind my cerebral cortex
And my hypothalmus
They make my brain go fuzzy
With drops of honey (or is it a sting)
When you kiss me.
All the receptors bloom open like nectar laiden flowers
I can almost see my mind as a forest clearing
In early spring
With pale green stems
And periwinkle flowers and yellow blossoms
This place is precious
And long forgotten
I wish i could show you
Like photo albums in child hood
Its so hard now
To clear my brain on paper
But its getting better.

You are red flowers
you are the red leaf off the tree on the hard brown mulch
you are the red blood that flutters through the mitral valve prolapse
in my jackrabbit heart

The atlantic was born today
In silence and simultaneous storms.

I'm a ******* in the certain way
we all mostly are
in which the pain with passion is an inseparable thing
it is left over in bite marks and scratches
the illicit passion
but also in a look
and the way the air hangs
too heavy between glances.
and wonders at failed love
in all directions
and the impossibilities the brain makes
in what cannot be known
this form is less safe
and more poison.
it's the voice that reminds
make art or die
and suggests that you intrench yourself
in solitude.
and pain.

So jon
I had a teacher once
When I had cancer
She told me to think about
What it would do for my writing
I called my ex fiancé
To ask him to send me some things
I asked why he put me through pain
He said
think about what it will do your writing
******* Nick
You never liked my writing
Now I'm heartbroken again
I'm writing a lot
But I just want you to come back
I don't care what
This pain
Will do for
my writing

You're the unexpected dollar in my pocket,
Or the dog that came up for petting,
Or the song, that I love, coming on the radio.
A red leaf on brown mulch.
A simple good thing in my day
unessential, but wanted and beautiful and bright.

It's been a long time
since a boy has said I was funny
Or my intellect was alluring
and I wonder when I stopped
believing those things about myself
and its like the happier I am
The more that I find was missing.
And I wake up a little stronger everyday.
And I wonder how long it can be
like this
who do i become

you would..
you would call now
telling me how you cant live without me
I used to think that I couldn't live without you
but when you hurt me
like you did
I found out
that I could

Now I sleep with my windows open
the world smells sweeter
because you exist

I mean I'm sure its the same
corruption and shame
it's always been

but you
make something new
of the moon.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I hope you are not my soul mate. I hope your anchor line is not tethered to the ship in my chest. I love you, but in the way that I want take tape and glue and show you how to reconstruct a heart from all the broken bits.I want to kiss your salt stained lips and leach away the pain. I want to wander with you a while in the pouring rain. I adore you, but in the way that I like to watch the light play across your face and imagine what you could be. I like the look in your face when your looks meet with mine. I like the way we can watch the interplay of our minds. But I know you cannot be in love with me and that is okay too, because, at least for now, I don’t want to be in love with you. I just want to wander for a while content in this, in being who we are, which is what the other needs, and enjoying the occasional kiss.

This is all lies. This is all half truths. This is all I swore I wouldn't do. Especially falling in love with you, I am happy but I am lying, it kills me each time to think that with summers ending you go away.   I don't want to be in love with you, because it will hurt, unfortunately I already am.

Ive written at least 168 poems
since july 1st of this year
Ive written 64 since our third date in September
Which is when I started writing about you,
and at least 54 of them have been about you,
and I wish that didn't sound crazy.

I've never felt want like this
not need
easy breathing
the way you hold me
close like a precious thing
I've slept before
in arms that loved me
but never those afraid
to let me go
you keep wanting
to learn my soul, so,
i know you know
when i wrap my arms
around you rough
all baby tiger play
that i don't need,
but always want
to stay this way

Fate hates us
or doesn't exsist at all
we are both ever star-crossed.
In all we do.
Its gotta be that sign
And that we, somehow,
were born within a day
And are yin and yang
with cores the same
Im sorry
we both hurt so much
Fate can go **** its self
The fire is in our blood
to
Burn the earth
with our touch
don't you know
that we
shake everything we touch.
We. Are. Entirely. Made. Of. Starlight.
Sister I know
We can do this.

If you establish it with me first
i can be anything
from one night stand to summer fling
(about this I
am a liar but you wont know)
if i like you enough
if you are a good enough friend
i’ll put my heart on a high shelf for something temporary
but if those three words cross your lips
you better clarify how you mean them
and if you really love me
you better know what that actually means
I am crazy
i have worlds in my brain
and more often than not
i cannot stop myself from speaking in flowering phrases
and poetry
my tongue is a fountain of those things
if you find them pretentious
do not cross my path
do not make a blind grab for a heart you cannot hold
without breaking
i have precious little confidence in myself
i do not need another
to tell me that what i am doing is less than beautiful.
a warning
The beginning is always spinning wonder
but you must realize there are stages to love
at some point we will grow tired
and confused i need you to find yourself with me not without me
loving me means fighting
without tearing me down.
I also warn you that i am clingy
i do not like being alone
so unless you want to spend every minute of your time with me
make sure i keep my friends
and take me out to meet yours.
another warning
i am fragile
i am easily disrupted and destroyed
so unless your strong hands
build more than they break
unless you create more than you take
do not touch me
i am tired of being loved
by a man that has no idea how to love me.
I have a friend i could refer you to
he knows how to love me
despite that he does not  romantically
but he knows my body
like a musician knows their violin
and my mind
like the favorite forest paths of childhood
he reads me like a script he needs
to commit to memory
savoring every word
he gives me leave to be
whatever i need to be
he asks me for no apologies for who i am
unless you can do that and love me as well
and love me like i am everything,
because i will love you like you are,
then you have no business loving me.
but if you know you can do those things
by all means try, i invite you to love me

I like your ink on paper perminance
The hard line of intensity
In your hand writen notes
Around the house
Even the grocery lists
And the way your hands shook
When you zipped my dress
I take it you are not shaken often
And the way you hang out
around the kitchen
While i sit on the counter
And look at you
I watch your lips when you speak
Wondering if that passion exsists
In your kiss
And wondering how often
I can sit on your bed
Without you laying me down
I wonder if you can read my eyes
Like story books.
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you know
I see you too...
And the way you look at me.

I'm sorry I'm now a careful thing
that I play in the shallows
eyes high to the trees.
Around the edges:
Where I can say I love you
and mean it and still be able to flee.
Because the last time the storm came
I nearly drowned.
So now I know every water safe bolt-hole
and how to run.
But I wish I still cliff-dived
into the deep of the lake
instead of staying
close and safe.

The out breaks
Like porcelain when she makes you make
A real choice
When the words
We can't hang out cross her lips
It feels like she's exercising her heart
With a rusty razor blade
Like the kind you pull along your jaw
She loves you and knows
Looking in your eyes you can never say it
You will never be free to
You cannot grow like that
You crumble

God I miss
You
As I am laying
Intoxicated
On my friends floor.

Im sorry I didn't protect you
When they told me.
When you were just a little thing
Just turned 3
And they discoved the wolf
That prowled the woods
That you came crying about
But they did the strangest thing
They pulled its teeth
Then kept things quiet
And set it free
And let you still wander
The woods alone
I see it in your wide haunted eyes
You are only 9 years old
And they are right
You wont remember...
Untill you are 22 sitting in a therapists chair
Trying to figire out whats wrong with you
And they'll ask about your child hood
And youll think about the nightmares
You used to have
And youll realize they were real
I have friends now
Who are like you
And I am so sorry
I didnt make sure the wolf got put down
But I was only a child too.

"You're especially beautiful today
There is something different"
"I'm happy"

and am trying to forget
because we haven't talked in a while
and you said this is difficult
And I don't know why.

I think i've hoped for you forever
someone who can understand
the sadness in my eyes
who can feel the same turning uncertainty

You text small books
About ocean waves
And contemplative frames of mind
And for some reason
I find myelf counting the minutes
Like by tide levels
Until you give me
something new to talk about
I need to slow down

You keep asking me to come back to you
I can't because I don't love you
But also because
I can't forget you hitting me
Or bossing me around.

you're a fire made thing
molten gold
slow burn
in deep earth
boy
i had forgotten what it was
to be a dragon
to dance delirious
on coals with unburnt feet
and swallow treasure
with a manic tongue
you pull both riddle and song from my lips
like fire born of anchient speech
I get to be
and the fire gets to burn
not consume
but burn white hot
like the embers left in winter fires
like the viens of the earth
your eyes remind me
their is fire beneath the surface
of my skin

My childhood was spent reading books
in shade trees
and lips stained
by the blood of cool sweet blackberries
found in deep shade
and acquired by masochistic tendencies
which said the scrapes left by thorns
were nothing to the pleasure of cool berry burst
in southern sun

this summer will be spent reading books
in his cool arms
lips stained
by the sweat off his winter white skin
becoming bright red
from a known masochistic tendency
which says artists like to be bruised by kisses
this is nothing to the pleasure of being intertwined
on hot summer nights.

Am I on your mind
As you go about your day.
Does your breath catch
when you think I may not stay.
Do you think of me at all
When you touch the camera
with steady hands
and wonder why they shake
when you reach toward me?