It's a sad day when you relaize
that all along you loved ablack hole
always taking and  noithign gained i trie= nf
as'dfihiwor____

I have asked a question for so long I forget what it was
I think it started differently than where it is now
it haunts my tongue and stays on my mind
I can't quite put it into words just yet
I want to push more than I am
I cant gain traction here
in my frozen mind
unknown hour
golden war
never
oh

(1)
I have never caught
Beauty with a net by choice
But by sight instead

(2)
If the mind is fierce
The heart is hard to open
The eyes will say that

(3)
A poem is a
Story with more precise words
And a soft meaning

Could we know hope
Without loss?
Without truth
Would all be false?
Without joy
Would we all know pain?
Questions such as these
Make life a game
Answers never found
Questions never asked
Our perceived personalities
Are our perceived masks
I'm tired of life
I'm tired of pain
But I'll continue this lie
For the sake of the game
My wounds never heal
But scars are left behind
My tears tell a story
My eyes seem to hide
Do you see my pain?
Do you know the truth?
No, you're wrong
You see what I allow you
My poker face
Wins the hand
I'm on my knees
Because I can no longer stand
You read my words
You think you know
But even these words
Can't quite show
My mind isn't quiet
My thoughts never cease
Fading away
Would cute this disease
As smiles are replaced
With the sadness that seeps in
Forgive my actions
But not my sins
No god in heaven
Can cure my sorrow
Standing on the edge
I can see my tomorrow
I see my hell
Can you see yours?
I keep mine inside
I'll never tell
For those who never knew
I'm sorry for this
But I'll continue this game
For the hell of it

All work and no play
seems to make up my days
as I slave away
to a concaved system of change
I wanted to grow up until I didn't
and there's a demon on my shoulder just sitting
making my outlook is bleak which is fitting
but don't mind me he claims I'm just sipping
a drink to help me think
as I blink
the world fades
into a stage
a masquerade
where we all stay
in the void
it's a ploy
that we convince ourselves is fine
if I had a dime
for every time
that I claimed I could fly
I would lift my wings and do so

I walk the same waters I once drowned in
When life ended I somehow rose again

My heart does not beat I live nonetheless
I am a human shell that still draws breath

I refuse to speak silence is a gift
I want to see but too afraid to live

I wish to write but cannot hold a pen
The paper is blank and the lines barren

I hide with my hands: my mouth, eyes, and ears
I read the same words that confirm my fears

I scream in the dark the world will not know
I hide in the drugs the pain will not show

The waves are crashing in
Just beneath my skin
Do you hear the thunderclouds?
In my head, they're way too loud
The tidal waves are coming
And the rain will start to pour
So I better start running
Because I'm only in for more
The lighting starts to strike
Striking in my mind
Setting my thoughts on fire
Burning behind my eyes
You will never see
What's inside of me
And I will never strive
To be what I am inside
So turn away from the truth
Don't stay I'm begging you
You don't deserve what's to come
It's best if I just turn and run
I hide from myself
Afraid of what I'll see
So please protect yourself
From whats inside of me

The place I seek is cold
It's dark, damp, and silent
A place the devil sold
For it contains the most violent

Before I broke my mind
I could not find this place
Now the deed is signed
And it rests behind my face

I hear their screams and laughs
I can't tell what is true
My heart is torn in half
By beings, my mind had grew

I tend to play with the ashes
After the bridges have burned
The smoke scars my lungs
As the shadows start to lurk
I never learn my lesson
I'm always on the run
Nothing satisfies the monster
No matter what I've done

I've been up but I stay down
I've become friends with the ground
You can't save what I am
When I'm only half a man
You say left but I go right
You won't save me tonight
Maybe I loved you before
But now something isn't right

Cast me out
Into the sea
Forget everything
That I used to be
I tried to forget
I tried to forgive
But I lost myself
Trying to live
Cast me out
In the stones of death
Forget I ever
Held a breath
Blame me now
For my father's sins
I tried to be better
I really did
But the past is now
Its come again
Too late for apologies
I'll never win
My mind has made
A choice, not mine
The end is to come
Only with time
You may not see
Before it's too late
The moment is now
For you to take

Every choice I make
Has an alternate mistake
Every word I write
Tears apart my life
I can not forgive
I can not forget
I stop my hand
But my mind I never can
I am the second guess
I am just a reject
My mind plays tricks
My heart never forgets
The scars left behind
Are the obvious signs
But no one sees
Exactly what pains me
And they all fade
But the pain remains
They only see
The happy me

There are always rings left
after the cool drink sweats
leaving his mark to be seen
a blemish, a scar, an unlovely ring
that my mom would always get mad about

but being a child
my mind ran wild
and time after time I would forget
and sit
my glass on the bare wood

and time after time
I would run and hide
hearing remembering what I did

I live in fear
every time I hear
your voice growing in anger

don't yell at me.

I'm silent enough to listen
But my head still screams my fears
I want to do more than listen
But the silence is all I hear
You say I'm more than nothing
But why can't I see it to
I strive to at least be something
But nothing is all I do

I slip and sink in the sink as I wash my hands
It's not very deep but I can get lost in a familiar land
so drowning doesn't seem that out of place

why I think the way I think really ***** with my head
and I swear I don't mess with it so why does it sleep in my bed
It's ugly and screams but I have never seen its face

so maybe you were right or made it happen by hoping
I swear it wasn't true but reality becomes real after it's spoken
and now I'm left fleeing and bleeding and losing my grace

I'm pretending
I'm descending
In a pit of comprehending
Of why I'm condescending
And I'm infuriating
And debating
Whether its blood that I'm tasting
Or just the time that I'm wasting
But my head is made of lead
And I collapse as if I'm dead
The thunder is louder in my head
So I wanna go back to bed
I'm painfully painting
Frantically fading
Slightly saying
I'm definitely draining

can you see me?
can you tell where I am tonight?
do you hear me?
I don't know where to find my mind

Today my mind will find time for the pain inside
But my heart remains on lockdown
I can forget to forgive as I give what I get
And all I want is to lie down
I scream as I see what is wrong with me
But I can’t hide fast enough
I asked you for proof you told me the truth
But rules don’t apply to love

Which of my people spoke of the lonely forest
For I the poet too feel empty and cold like a grave
I believe we mourn our dead like death is evil
But they fear strange unknown darkness

Some howl silent melancholy thunder from soul pain
Always between alone, lost, or confusion
Face this earth alone and walk by light young spirit
Echo nevermore with every dark gray storm

No man shrouds his heart come crypt
You are who was there unseen as skin is made though it is bone
Shudder shiver cry be as pale dread
Scream bitter truth whisper about a broken imagination

White raven how he did hide in cover of a black shadow
Through dusk and fly at dawn
He leaves in my crepuscular half dream
I see him here more often now so fill my mystery midnight

what do you do when there's a physical pain in your heart
not a heart attack just the atoms tearing themselves apart

oh how I envy those who have so eagerly moved away
please cut my ******* throat so I may do the same

I struggle with that fact
That I Mr. Sly
Have a target on my back
And everyone around me reacts
To the lack
Of hat tricks I have
But I can only score
Once more
Or so I think
I'm on the brink
Of desperation
The frustration
Is killing me
My mind is killing me
There's no healing me
Dopamine is my drug and its filling me
But it starts to flood
There's to much
I'm losing my mind with a brush
Of her lips
Its a kiss
Its a lie
In my mind
I scream I'm fine
But I realize
That's a lie
Its about time
I come to grips
With all of this
The blatant ticks
As the hands twist
But they do more than turn
They ****** and they burn
The grab and they yearn
For what is not theirs
With their mechanical gears
They latch on to my fears
I can feel their stares
Boring holes into my mind
Oh these hands of time

I've never ridden one
but I am familiar with Camels

I've never been there
but I see Hell when I close my eyes

you don't see me
but I wish you would move out of my mind

please just go
the closer you get the further away you feel

I still talk to myself
the more I do the more I understand

you don't know me now
but I don't think you ever tried

I would like to bare my soul
and lie in a bed of roses
and know what it's like to fall
asleep as my eyes are closing
and hopefully, I begin to dream
it's something I forget to do
and I hope you say goodnight again
and my heart stops feeling blue

I. Just. Can't. Think.
I'm on the brink
As I blink
I  let her go and I sink

As I put up my guard
I'll rust like the bars on my heart
Let them tear me apart
Just leave me in the yard

I never knew your love was fake
So today I shake
You've shown me the strength that it takes
To cause an earthquake

I cast a wary gaze on dreary days
Wishing she could hear me
With lifted eyes on the cloudy skies
That float forever near me
Holding broken lines of broken time
Hoping to catch a glimpse
In a ***** mirror something superior
But cant even if I squint

The rain beats down
My clothes grow heavy
My head is hard to lift
Broken glass
Lay in my chest
My mind wet red brick
I forget my name
And who I was
Before I felt the shift

It's been over a year and I cannot forget it
My heart always hurts and I tend to let it
I strive for a connection but always regret it
Lines get drawn and I overstep them

It's a problem that I'm stuck in the past
But for my heart time moves to fast
Life tells jokes and I forget to laugh
I close my eyes when reality floods back

So maybe I'm not
As fine as I thought
Maybe I lose myself from time to time on accident

This isn't a promise
I'm just being honest
When I say I hope I find myself before it all ends

I don't dream but I'm dreaming
My throat bleeds but I'm screaming
There's nothing I can do, is there?

I love you like you so often haunt me
Without relent and with such an intensity
It's not my fault anymore, is it?

I wonder if I still cross your mind
I hope you know you still stay on mine
That doesn't matter now, does it?

As time moves on, I steady learn
My heart grows heavy as my mind yearns
You're so ******* far away, aren't you?

Goodbye past love, I can't hold on
I wanted it to work out for so ******* long
I fell and it's not dark in here anymore.

I do not struggle
With the concept of trouble
I often chase it

I brush away rules
Just like a hardheaded fool
It's time I face it

Vividly aware
I stop full pace and I stare
At only a thought

Thoughts that hold the world
My small mind races and swirls
Ensnared, trapped, and caught

But I think too much
Often I spit and I cuss
Knowing I fall deep

Please try to give me
The rich bittersweet release
To finally, breathe

I think I lost myself
and I've become someone else
but I don't really know if I remember who I was before
so until I find myself
I'm asking for your help
I'll get on my knees I'm begging you please to help me find who I was before
I wonder if you hear
what sounds like fear
because it's resonating in my mind and I think it's controlling my heart
maybe I'm not really here
and maybe I shouldn't try to steer
because every time I do I hit a wall and it's tearing me apart

There's a sea
Separating me
From reality
And I reach out my hand
Even though I can no longer see land
I can hear you calling my name
But you're so far away

So I sink and I drown
And my body's never found
But my soul is still there
Living in dead air
I don't know where I am anymore
And I don't know what I'm living for
But one thing remains clear
You're still there and I'm still here

I need you and that's the truth
I don't know what I'd do without you
And I don't know where I'd be
If it was left only to me
I need you

If you think of no one think of me
Bc if it wasn't for you I don't know where I'd be
And I will never forget you
Bc I know you're the only one to see me through
I need you

From your wistful laugh to your fiery eyes
To the passion you wear on your sleeve all the time
I need you

So call my name at least one more time
And allow me to truly try to find
You
Because I. Need. You.

Open the door
Let in a new old friend
let's explore the concaves and octaves
that comes with thought and with actions
with words and with fractions
of emotions so eloquent
we get lost and forget
to remember we no longer know each other

I've been lost
And I've been broken
Given up faith
But I keep on hoping
For a piece of peace of mind
I've long forgotten
stirring up a storm
that there's no stopping

but by the time I realize
that the day time is now night
and the skyline is not bright
I just might die of fright
because I can't breathe just right
my chest is to tight tonight

so I walk through the rain
with my head low but my brow high
and the roads that were wet are now dry
but the heat ***** with my brain

I'm not broken I'm bruised
maybe a whole lot confused
and I wish I wasn't but I can't really help that now
you chose to take  a step and we are past that now

I still can't admit that I hide
in a shrinking part of my mind
where I love the old you and forget I never knew you
I swear it's not fair to me that I can't talk to the new you

and I wish you hadn't become
this person so distant so numb
and yet as I read through old letters I catch a glimpse
of the person I loved so long ago and all the harsh hints

I'm not allowed to love you
there's nothing I can really do
I can't blame you for your heart but as mine falls apart
I wish you were here to show you my pain evolved into art

Reading and writing at midnight
Never help me sleep
I breathe, I cry then I stop
And then start to think
Its 1am and I don’t know
When I’ll drift away
As time flies by I reach a hand
But it’s always the same
I cannot breathe
I cannot scream
I feel the words in my throat
They won’t come out
And by tomorrow I’ll start to choke
But don’t judge me
For your thoughts are your own
I won’t hold them against you
And you should know
That I stayed there
Always waiting for you
Now it’s too late
And I’ve gone away
I couldn’t stand living I the pain

I don't mean to sound pretentious
but I have all intention
of saving myself if it came down to it
and our situations are different
so please try to listen
because this isn't a *******
walk in the park
but rather its a shot in the dark
and neither of us can see
past our own hearts
so don't judge me
for what you did
this isn't great
but it's not a ******* sin
pain can bring out the animal in us all
so don't be surprised when I fall away
and I'm not there
when you wake
because sleep never came to me easy
I'm not broken or ashamed but maybe I am
but I promise I will do the best that I can
to be happier
for myself
vain and conceited
I don't get a chance
but I'm too tired anyway

My heads so hard today
As I stare at my scars today
And maybe I'm afraid today
That tomorrow will be the same as today

I don't hear what you say today
So I won't change today
But maybe I'll scream today
Or maybe I'll bleed today

I will not win today
I will lose again today
This is my fault today
I have my fought today

I can't see to escape today
I'm stuck in place today
If I try to run today
I would chase the sun today

But tomorrow became today
And I choose to change today
I won't be the same today
I accept my pain today

I'll do my best today
To use what's in my chest today
My head will have a seat today
I won't be beat today

I am so bruised today
But at least I flew today
My wings were healed today
My fate was sealed today

my eyes are heavy with the weight of my words
and the longer I sleep the less that I hurt
but I see you in my dreams every once in a while
the way that you move always made me smile
until you disappear and I choke while I scream
stuck in the false hope of death they call a dream

Love
A four letter word
What is love
Other than absurd
A question never asked
Leaves answers never found
Sets a limit
Said to be unbound
Ponder this question
For I'll only ask one time
Is your love
The same as mine?
How do you know
With only one word to describe
What it is you feel
What is on the inside
I can not explain
Nor can I show
This thing called love
Might as well be a hoax
I can't decide on what it is
I am so confused
I can't make sense of it
All I need is a clue

The past is an opaque glass
something I can see but never get through
the longer I look the less I see
but no matter when I look I find you

this universe is centered around my feet
revolving creating dust from stone
nothing I see is from your eyes
and knowing I never will, hits cold bone

my feet only run as fast as my legs
but my stamina controls them too
A thick fog inside my ill and blinding mind
I breathe in smoke hoping to make it though

Missing you is so easy
When I had you I didn't really
You can't capture the wind in a bottle
And expect it to fill your sails

I wish that that was true
I still miss the smell of freedom
The soft hole in my heart that wasn't there
Grows every time I feel the breeze

Usually, the nights are cold
I use these cigarettes to stay warm
But you loved the smell of cigarette smoke
I didn't smoke them until you left

My hands shake sometimes
I feel you running away so fast
But it's not like this is something brand new
You do this every once in a while

You're made from steel rain
The kind that breaks apart glass
I tried to love a hurricane for a very long time
But she couldn't stay forever

I know they're only momentary these moments I'm living in
But I momentarily can't fathom the pain I'm in
Because the pain I'm in
Brings me to an inconclusive end
And its so unlike me to start and begin again
because I'm like the tin man
I'm frozen and rusted in place
I can't be trusted, I'm a disgrace
my credentials are crusted just to save face

kings and queens brought to our knees waiting on execution
masses blindly cheering on thirsty for retribution
i believe in some kind of god but not for what he has done
but because the demons in my head prove to me there is one

dopamine and serotonin has turned me into an addict
starving from withdraws when I used to live so lavish
a chemical imbalance is enough to keep me awake
and the thoughts running through my head cause me to shake

Don't leave me here to talk to myself
you left me in a hallway leading to hell
And you claimed I was too far away to yell
but I was right by you and you couldn't tell

Arranging thoughts to keep my **** together
an attempt to reassure that I will get better
but I think so much that my head hurts
you didn't feel right so you blamed my tether

I was just trying to give you a gift
something I never had something I missed
and you couldn't justify it so you just left
and not I am all alone with a hole in my chest

Words escape my mind
And slip my lips
And I'm afraid in time
I'll lose my grip
Because I can't describe
Why I feel like this
And behind my eyes
Lie the darkest pits
And I know it's my crime
Because I'm the one who missed
Although my ways are benign
I still clenched my fists
When I say I'm fine
It's the truth I miss
Because that's a lie
And the truth is the antithesis
My mind's desire
Creates a shrouding mist
Covering my soul's fire
In which it has been quenched

My mind is free range
And deranged
And rather strange
But i guess that's ok
In this game
That i play
There's always high winds
The rules tend to bend
So you never really win
But I play anyways
In hopes that one day
I'll win the game
I'm not searching
For fortune or fame
I'm just in love
With the thrill of the game
You will never
Destroy my hope
Cause even in the dark
Stars still glow

My inside are all dark
And my big heart
Falls apart
Its the little things that **** me
But i receive
Them gladly
You never see
What hurts me
Don't worry
I'm not searching
For fortune or fame
I'm just in love
With the thrill of the game
You will never
Destroy my hope
Cause even in the dark
Stars still glow

I breathe in the night sky
hoping the stars will cut my throat
I never really wanted to die
but tonight I just don't know
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of lying
I'm tired so just let me go
cigarettes replace the night sky
as I **** down another smoke

So apparently
Running is supposed to be
This kind thing that sets you free
Like if you have a depressed mind
It helps you free up what's inside
So I run

But when I run I feel this rage
It's like a building blinding haze
So I Sprint and I Sprint to escape it

But I black out and wake up
And I scream out and I throw up
It's not enough
But it's way too much
And I'm still on this road
It seems like the pain has infected my soul

My words disappear more often than not
Lost in a sea made of thought
Though i try retain the little i can
Everyday it gets harder to stand
Metaphors and sarcastic tones
Replace the smiles that called my lips home
My poems have lost the flare of my mind
The words will soon be lost to time
I've given my all and have little left
My greatest love has made the greatest theft
Maybe its all manifested inside
And all of my confusion is based on a lie
My heart is a mess and covered in webs
Smothered to the point where i no longer draw breath
Built to survive I don't need to live
Just get through the night to fake another grin

Please let me lose
Lose the ability to breathe
Or the ability to see
The will to keep fighting
This overbearing sea
I want a reason to exist
Or quite the opposite
I want to ******* die
But i dont want to quit
I want to finally be done
with all of this ****
Like theres still a reason for any of it
Please give me a simple way out
A train to derail and hit me in the mouth
Why cant i head north
when everything goes south
I'm lost in space while sitting on the couch
And its not my ******* fault
but i cant catch myself when i fall
I'm climbing up walls
I'm afraid are to tall
I built inside my head when i lost it all

just another cigarette break
as my hands shake
and my thoughts race
and I'm afraid
that it's too late
to save what left

just another breath
and another rest
but I don't have another left
in my hollow chest
so I detest
your value of value

I can't explain
why it rains
inside my brain
as I fade
into a claim
that tomorrow will be better