I saw a sign that read,
"Poems On Demand"
I thought a thought
and quickly quietly said

can you write me a ballad of broken hearts
I'm without a claim to know
I search this wide and foreign land
in hopes to find my home

the river's wide but the drought is near
there's a staleness in the air
I can feel the sun soak through my skin
to warn what was once warm there

and before I could start to turn away
the poet took his pen
he wrote just a simple sentence
to calm the storm within

"I cannot bring her back my friend,
but time is the gift of gods."
I took the paper and read the verse
and transcended into thought.

I don't write when I'm sad
but when I write I'm sad
and what's right feels bad
and what's left is a tad too sad
to feel happy or glad
so my words taste sad
at the end of the day

and maybe I've changed
my thoughts becoming strange
in a storm of sufferable pain
but I still feel that same
I don't know whats changed
but I know something has rearranged
how and what I  see

so let's attempt to dream
with our eyes open to see
what we already faithfully believe to be
this amazing opportunity
to live free in a sea
of cordial uncertainty
but isn't that what makes us feel alive

allow me to bring attention
to what I forgot to mention
I have a predisposition
to build fences when there's tension

and I don't mean to sound
like I'm trying to bring you down
but when you come around
I can't make myself stay on the ground

and this may be a little weird
but I have this irrational fear
of attempting to steer clear
of emotion whenever you are near

so judge me if you have to
I promise I won't be mad at you
we all have to do
what's best when we find our own truth

I'm not gay but I know what it's like to hide
to keep a door closed to whatever is inside
to be ashamed and afraid for no good reason
to lose yourself causing you to commit treason

but the broken are beautiful as the weak hide
those that were the cause of our demise
like ants under a glass with nowhere to run
karma comes for all of us no matter how dumb

I'm trying to wrap my heart around the reason that you left
but the more I try to think for you the worse the answers get
Maybe the lies that were uncovered were meant for me instead
of those, I thought were the reason you mumbled under your breath

all I ask is for a conclusion to years of dedication
but now you're gone and I'm left here holding on to degradation
a simple code yet quite unclear leads to infatuation
and I miss your family but I don't think I could ever face them

the thought of you with someone else after all that we had planned
hurts my heart and hurts my head but won't change where you stand
you're so far away and I can hear the chasm that splits our hands
to forever separate our hearts to never connect again

its a cold and broken sky
that shines its light tonight
and the snow on the ground
that slips into the night

My voice cracks my words fall
the floor turns to void
a broken hallelujah escapes
as I disappear beneath their ploy

This **** doesn't get better
I'm not going to lie
There's just longer periods of time
Where you don't cross my mind
And I know that I'm selfish
Because I can’t let you go
But how can I
When you're all that I know
You say that I'm incomplete
And that you need someone whole
But now that you're gone
Where do I go?
I'm walking in a direction
I really can't quite see
I can’t see any of this ****
With all of this fog inside of me
You say that’s my problem
That I can think right
So now all I do is think
But I don’t think right
And I don’t think that's right
I shouldn't have put it on you
But when the shadows dance
All I think of is you
So just whisper my name
From somewhere far behind me
And I promise I'll hear you
I promise that you'll feel me
But I'll be to far gone
To come save you again
I tried to be your hero
And yet I was just your friend
You said that you loved me
Then where are you now
You said you wouldn’t leave
But when I look around
It’s just me standing here
Looking at the clouds
And I lifted you so high
But I was the one let down
So please don’t come knocking
You know I couldn't forget
And the love inside my heart
Battles with my head
It screams to let it out
But I don’t think I can
So tries to **** me
By looking like your hand
And when I try to find you
I find my demons instead
Maybe we weren't meant to be
But ******* love to pretend
My acting career
Destroyed what I feel
It twists my thoughts
And it controls how I heal
The scars have faded
But now their fresh
And I constantly feel jaded
The envy is real
As the pain subsides
I thought you were gone
But you live in my mind

I have to admit
I wanna slip
Into the dreams
In which
You remember me
Because it seems
When I wake up
You don't give a ****
It must be fair
That I don't care
So you walk by
Then I blink my eyes and time flys
And it bothers me
That I can't be what I wanna be
Or see what I wanna see
When it comes to you and me
It ended so drastically
And tragically
But unsurprisingly
I am both bound and free
To disagree
With me

Do
Not
Think
You know
How I think
Because there
Are things inside
That you cannot see
And it's not fair for me
To pretend that you are
A Godsend or some kind
Of beautiful fury taken out
On my mortal frame for the
Sake of keeping me in line
So don't hold back, please
There's no way for me to be
Sure of what isn't the end
And you knew me so well
That it doesn't really matter
What you say or do because
Losing you is the only thing
That hurts more than getting
Stabbed in the back and I
Am really almost positive
That they are the same thing
And all you are is
The aftermath of
What would have
Been an earth
Shattering love
Or a fragile sun
That brightly
Imploded on
Itself the moment
It realized what
Was in it's near
Future.

My mind is diluted
And polluted
By the fact that I'm beaten
And the bruises keep forming
As my demons come for me
And I may seem to be deplorable
Maybe it's the chloroform
That makes me forget what I write for
But no matter where I hide
They will find me just in time
To keep me from trying
Trying to find
A place inside my mind
That is mine and only mine
So I just lay in defeat
Broken and beat
But I'm on the edge
Of a ledge
And I'm stuck here screaming
At the sun for beaming
When all I fear is the light
So bright
I want to hide out of sight
But I can't do that now
I have forgotten how
And it blows my mind
What I find
When the sun shines
And if I can't hide I'll run
I will run from the sun
Like a bullet from a gun
But it's no fun
It's not a game
Today's the same
As yesterday
And I'm ashamed
Can you save me
If I say please
Is it honestly
That **** easy
And if it was why is it not
Because as soon as I ask the magic stops
And now I'm doomed
To a life of gloom
And despair
******* it's not fair
But somewhere
And somehow
Some time other than now
I will find me
And I will find peace

Who am I?
Where am I going?
Though I try to understand
I don't know what I'm doing

I'm a little fish on land
Lungs with no air
Struggling to breath
I have become scared

But no one can know
I won't let them see
There are many fish in the ocean
But none on land for me

a heavy heart carries the weight of more than a thousand men
and neither could foresee the path that had been set before them
and as the sky set forth a blazing road that both were scared to take
he took her hand and calmed her mind that had begun to shake

without a word he set forth the pace giving her time to try
he needed her more than words could say so he merely dried her eyes
for actions can paint a picture that the tongue is scared to say
and tomorrow he'll still be there just as he was today

but tomorrow came and he lost her hand and it came with a terrible price
for an end was sought and quickly received in which came eternal night
and though silence was found she was not and his heart did scream her name
no matter how he tried to forget he couldn't for she's the reason he came

I'm so tired of you
the way you linger in the breeze
the way you live in my memories
the way you voice floats through my mind
making chills roll down my spine

just leave me alone
you have already said your goodbyes
why do you stay in my life
just biding time until I lose my mind
this isn't alright anymore

There's a place inside
My mind I find
Atrocities like to hide
Keeping my heart pure of things that would surely break it

While there's no cure for the curse
The lord's hands are surely at work
Creating a labyrinth of self doubt and confusion making my mind just as fragile as it strong

They say you should forgive your enemy
But remember their name
and I can guarantee that mine is written on every book and on every page
Of everyone I have ever hurt or ever slain
Or every person I have ever met
Written in blood as black as it is wet
They may have forgiven but I never forget

I love that you love me
let me hold your hand
we fit like a glove see

But don't watch me cry alone in my room

You hold me together
like a ball on a string
you'll always be my tether

but don't watch me fall into my shadow

what are you upset about
I have a bad feeling
my heart hurts when you shout

and now we don't talk about our problems

you're gone most of the time
I can still touch you
but your hand doesn't fit in mine

I have run out of tears and just stare

we sit with both hearts heavy
I think we both know
I think we are both finally ready

except we both know we may never be whole

now we don't talk at all anymore
and I still think about you
my heart is still bruised and sore

but I think I can now see why you were upset

please excuse my miscommunication
I didn't need it growing up
all I needed was the consistent dedication
to escape from where I was

please look past my fragile heart
it grew in place of the stone
I don't care about my emotionless art
by to lose the few hits solid bone

reprieve the foundation I can never find
stability was never my forté
I seek instead for a solid state of mind
or at least that's what I claim

forgive me for my transgressions
they were not meant in vain
I don't live up well to expectations
I only thinly mask their blame

Roses have thorns and violets cause violence
In the midst of a storm, everything is silent

I can reassure you that I cannot forget
But I'm not sure if it's out of love or regret

Maybe down the road, I will finally feel free
Or after time passes it will be the death of me.

Sometimes when I'm high I float
But not too far off the ground
But at times when I'm sober, I choke
I find it hard to keep the words down

Usually, it's not bad I don't even notice
Then I'm alone and it's all that I notice

These days I barely have a sober day
Afraid of the pain that doesn't exist
Lurking in the shadows barely at bay
I chased it away and yet it persists

I fight for no man yet I am fighting forever
In fear I plan yet I haven't put it together

I change on a whim and with no intent
You can't see when I see the loathing
I challenge the fact that I am spent
With a test that I myself had not chosen

Don't second guess the choice to choose
One slip of a tongue, the question is who's

It's 2:43 and I can't sleep
I close my eyes and I can't dream
It would seem to me
I'm going crazy
My mind is covered in a film so hazy
But I must be oh so lazy
For not fighting for a chance to raise me
And lift myself
I tell myself
I have nothing else
To turn to
I lost you
I always do
I always choose
To lose
The few
The truth is
I can't do this
I walk around clueless
To the facts
As a matter of fact
When you look at it like that
I'm fading into the past
As life flies past
And goes way to fast
I wanna crash
I'll come in last
Moments go by with a flash
And it's all I ask
Not to bask
In the rays
of a sun that will be taken away
And fade
As the dark runs away
And night overtakes the day
I was too late
To play
But now it's 3
And the harder I try to sleep
The faster my mind flees
And runs from me
I won't catch it tonight
So I'll just cry
And hope for sunlight
And pray to a god who just might
Listen to my unanswered prayers tonight

It's a gross misconception that anyone's really there
I presume there's a dark void separating the reality we share
I forget if I dream but something inside keeps me there
And I chose to wake up because it's the night when I'm scared
As the moon comes up and the chill hits the air
I almost forget how lost in the void I get when I stare

The seas kept pushing a dark mist when it hit
The rocks never gave but the waves still hit
I am not the rock or the ambitious sea
I was the man on the hill with a pen and some tea

Desperation breeds creation
and I cannot forget
that beyond a desperate plea for elation
hides a concurrent twist

An overview of hidden views
never seen in daylight
Is impossible because they're often skewed
but beg for some kind insight

I see a scatterplot of scattered thought
and try to find the truth
But I grow weary within weathered thought
though I remain still in my youth

I can't breathe anymore
but its not from lack of trying
I pretend people are inanimate
I always find I'm lying

I, I, I
me, me, me
******* I'm so secular and vain

please
give me the time
a humble request
but always denied
a chosen deity whose face replaced
the one from before who has since been disgraced
mangled and broken wings clipped due to fear
an angel once mighty now bound to us here
blessed with the gift of a terrible curse
whatever made me follow was never rehearsed
and I'm forever still searching for nothing I know
golden opportunities I was forced to let go
but more so over I just wish that I knew
why I was abandoned by Truth
fix me if you can for I've come unglued
not broken anymore but pieced together without clues

sometimes when I write
the words are a struggle
but other long nights
they only cause trouble
burning holes like they're running in place
barely keeping still as if ready for a race
barely containing themselves behind my swollen face
broken and ****** and so full of disgrace
***** and lonesome like old mattress stains
and yet I still envy those who are not me

wouldn't you?

Another year my dear
Without you next to me
I cannot hear my dear
Did you ask for me?

another prose another day
nothing has begun to change
so I in fear I write that tonight
I just may end my life

but don't dig too deep
for words are action with no air
which explains my struggle to breathe
without you here my dear

Everyone has a flight or fight reaction but I just tend to freeze
I hope they hear my jagged breath when I try to breathe
The fight inside has torn my mind more than they can
and the more I fly from the fight the less I understand
so freeze me in this immortal struggle and take me as I come
I'm afraid I cannot change and if I do I may come undone

I don't care
Whats in your hair
But I'll be there
When there's a bear
And I'll fight it
But I'm afraid of the sky
Because things can fly
So i close my eyes
So the dark confines
But they find me
So in the dark ill hide
Wheres there's no light
So they cant find
Whats in my mind
Because its frightening

I don't know where I'm going
In my soul, I think it snowing
I think I'm asleep
But my dreams haunt me
So I will walk until I'm home
So why do I feel so alone

From night to day
There is a change
One that strays
From my mistakes
But I'll hide it
The sun was gone
Before this song
Came along
And tried to write the wrong
Can you guide it
My mind is lost
Due to frost
The cold can cost
For I'm, not the boss
Though I comprise him

I don't know where I'm going
In my soul, I think it snowing
I think I'm asleep
But my dreams haunt me
So I will walk until I'm home
So why do I feel so alone

the world is a sea I believe
but I cannot breathe underwater
the more I swim in this sea
the more it pulls me under

leave me be for I can see
the fins that break the surface
they smile when they see me bleed
their speed makes me nervous

You asked me not to be angry
but understood why I was hurt
and in my dreams, I'm driven crazy
trying to escape your words

I see your face and hear your sweet voice
I see you more than I would like to
and I try to justify what wasn't my choice
and in the morning I miss myself more than I miss you

I'm so tired of thinking of someone who won't return
she won't come back, she won't share in this emotion
it's beyond the fact that she won't be here in person
but I miss her spirit her essence her beautiful being
oh god why am I here again
why do I feel again
why must I torment myself with the fictional fact
that throws me back to the fire
of desire and loss
of love and hurt
I made I promise I cannot break
and I promise I won't break
but you asked me not to hate
and without your love
where do I lay?

Words clutter my tongue
And I don't know where they come from
Or why they're here
The speak of the darkest parts of my fear
But they tell of the good times
the bad and the worse
They tell of the last time
And the second and first
They say sweet things
But the words can also be mean
But all of these words mean so much to me
You hear my voice but not what i say
There's things i whisper when you walk away
But today is a good day
And tomorrow it will be yesterday
I lose my words and some times find to many
But there are times when I can't form any
A story in the making page by page
Another character is written as another one fades

I think therapy is helping. I think I finally figured out that we were always better off apart. I never was able to treat you as the queen you were and instead treated you like I treat myself, always begging for better communication, tripping over petty inconsistencies and desensitizing what it meant to be comfortable. I was always Mac and you were always Ari. While I am heartbroken, I cant blame you for the wreck. Nor can I use it to justify my reactions. It was poor timing and a case of the one locked inside his own head and the one trying to break those walls. You succeeded even though we didnt. Im grateful but still wounded. Like sacrificing an arm to prevent the spread of infection. I am struggling but will learn to live differently with this experience in mind.