please excuse my miscommunication
I didn't need it growing up
all I needed was the consistent dedication
to escape from where I was

please look past my fragile heart
it grew in place of the stone
I don't care about my emotionless art
by to lose the few hits solid bone

reprieve the foundation I can never find
stability was never my forté
I seek instead for a solid state of mind
or at least that's what I claim

forgive me for my transgressions
they were not meant in vain
I don't live up well to expectations
I only thinly mask their blame

It's been over a year and I cannot forget it
My heart always hurts and I tend to let it
I strive for a connection but always regret it
Lines get drawn and I overstep them

It's a problem that I'm stuck in the past
But for my heart time moves to fast
Life tells jokes and I forget to laugh
I close my eyes when reality floods back

So maybe I'm not
As fine as I thought
Maybe I lose myself from time to time on accident

This isn't a promise
I'm just being honest
When I say I hope I find myself before it all ends

I. Just. Can't. Think.
I'm on the brink
As I blink
I  let her go and I sink

As I put up my guard
I'll rust like the bars on my heart
Let them tear me apart
Just leave me in the yard

I never knew your love was fake
So today I shake
You've shown me the strength that it takes
To cause an earthquake

My heads so hard today
As I stare at my scars today
And maybe I'm afraid today
That tomorrow will be the same as today

I don't hear what you say today
So I won't change today
But maybe I'll scream today
Or maybe I'll bleed today

I will not win today
I will lose again today
This is my fault today
I have my fought today

I can't see to escape today
I'm stuck in place today
If I try to run today
I would chase the sun today

But tomorrow became today
And I choose to change today
I won't be the same today
I accept my pain today

I'll do my best today
To use what's in my chest today
My head will have a seat today
I won't be beat today

I am so bruised today
But at least I flew today
My wings were healed today
My fate was sealed today

My words disappear more often than not
Lost in a sea made of thought
Though i try retain the little i can
Everyday it gets harder to stand
Metaphors and sarcastic tones
Replace the smiles that called my lips home
My poems have lost the flare of my mind
The words will soon be lost to time
I've given my all and have little left
My greatest love has made the greatest theft
Maybe its all manifested inside
And all of my confusion is based on a lie
My heart is a mess and covered in webs
Smothered to the point where i no longer draw breath
Built to survive I don't need to live
Just get through the night to fake another grin

Today my mind will find time for the pain inside
But my heart remains on lockdown
I can forget to forgive as I give what I get
And all I want is to lie down
I scream as I see what is wrong with me
But I can’t hide fast enough
I asked you for proof you told me the truth
But rules don’t apply to love

its a cold and broken sky
that shines its light tonight
and the snow on the ground
that slips into the night

My voice cracks my words fall
the floor turns to void
a broken hallelujah escapes
as I disappear beneath their ploy

allow me to bring attention
to what I forgot to mention
I have a predisposition
to build fences when there's tension

and I don't mean to sound
like I'm trying to bring you down
but when you come around
I can't make myself stay on the ground

and this may be a little weird
but I have this irrational fear
of attempting to steer clear
of emotion whenever you are near

so judge me if you have to
I promise I won't be mad at you
we all have to do
what's best when we find our own truth

I struggle with that fact
That I Mr. Sly
Have a target on my back
And everyone around me reacts
To the lack
Of hat tricks I have
But I can only score
Once more
Or so I think
I'm on the brink
Of desperation
The frustration
Is killing me
My mind is killing me
There's no healing me
Dopamine is my drug and its filling me
But it starts to flood
There's to much
I'm losing my mind with a brush
Of her lips
Its a kiss
Its a lie
In my mind
I scream I'm fine
But I realize
That's a lie
Its about time
I come to grips
With all of this
The blatant ticks
As the hands twist
But they do more than turn
They ****** and they burn
The grab and they yearn
For what is not theirs
With their mechanical gears
They latch on to my fears
I can feel their stares
Boring holes into my mind
Oh these hands of time

The place I seek is cold
It's dark, damp, and silent
A place the devil sold
For it contains the most violent

Before I broke my mind
I could not find this place
Now the deed is signed
And it rests behind my face

I hear their screams and laughs
I can't tell what is true
My heart is torn in half
By beings, my mind had grew

I've never ridden one
but I am familiar with Camels

I've never been there
but I see Hell when I close my eyes

you don't see me
but I wish you would move out of my mind

please just go
the closer you get the further away you feel

I still talk to myself
the more I do the more I understand

you don't know me now
but I don't think you ever tried

Every choice I make
Has an alternate mistake
Every word I write
Tears apart my life
I can not forgive
I can not forget
I stop my hand
But my mind I never can
I am the second guess
I am just a reject
My mind plays tricks
My heart never forgets
The scars left behind
Are the obvious signs
But no one sees
Exactly what pains me
And they all fade
But the pain remains
They only see
The happy me

There's a place inside
My mind I find
Atrocities like to hide
Keeping my heart pure of things that would surely break it

While there's no cure for the curse
The lord's hands are surely at work
Creating a labyrinth of self doubt and confusion making my mind just as fragile as it strong

They say you should forgive your enemy
But remember their name
and I can guarantee that mine is written on every book and on every page
Of everyone I have ever hurt or ever slain
Or every person I have ever met
Written in blood as black as it is wet
They may have forgiven but I never forget

I'm pretending
I'm descending
In a pit of comprehending
Of why I'm condescending
And I'm infuriating
And debating
Whether its blood that I'm tasting
Or just the time that I'm wasting
But my head is made of lead
And I collapse as if I'm dead
The thunder is louder in my head
So I wanna go back to bed
I'm painfully painting
Frantically fading
Slightly saying
I'm definitely draining

sometimes when I write
the words are a struggle
but other long nights
they only cause trouble
burning holes like they're running in place
barely keeping still as if ready for a race
barely containing themselves behind my swollen face
broken and ****** and so full of disgrace
***** and lonesome like old mattress stains
and yet I still envy those who are not me

wouldn't you?

Open the door
Let in a new old friend
let's explore the concaves and octaves
that comes with thought and with actions
with words and with fractions
of emotions so eloquent
we get lost and forget
to remember we no longer know each other

I slip and sink in the sink as I wash my hands
It's not very deep but I can get lost in a familiar land
so drowning doesn't seem that out of place

why I think the way I think really ***** with my head
and I swear I don't mess with it so why does it sleep in my bed
It's ugly and screams but I have never seen its face

so maybe you were right or made it happen by hoping
I swear it wasn't true but reality becomes real after it's spoken
and now I'm left fleeing and bleeding and losing my grace

kings and queens brought to our knees waiting on execution
masses blindly cheering on thirsty for retribution
i believe in some kind of god but not for what he has done
but because the demons in my head prove to me there is one

dopamine and serotonin has turned me into an addict
starving from withdraws when I used to live so lavish
a chemical imbalance is enough to keep me awake
and the thoughts running through my head cause me to shake

The past is an opaque glass
something I can see but never get through
the longer I look the less I see
but no matter when I look I find you

this universe is centered around my feet
revolving creating dust from stone
nothing I see is from your eyes
and knowing I never will, hits cold bone

my feet only run as fast as my legs
but my stamina controls them too
A thick fog inside my ill and blinding mind
I breathe in smoke hoping to make it though

the world is a sea I believe
but I cannot breathe underwater
the more I swim in this sea
the more it pulls me under

leave me be for I can see
the fins that break the surface
they smile when they see me bleed
their speed makes me nervous

The waves are crashing in
Just beneath my skin
Do you hear the thunderclouds?
In my head, they're way too loud
The tidal waves are coming
And the rain will start to pour
So I better start running
Because I'm only in for more
The lighting starts to strike
Striking in my mind
Setting my thoughts on fire
Burning behind my eyes
You will never see
What's inside of me
And I will never strive
To be what I am inside
So turn away from the truth
Don't stay I'm begging you
You don't deserve what's to come
It's best if I just turn and run
I hide from myself
Afraid of what I'll see
So please protect yourself
From whats inside of me

just another cigarette break
as my hands shake
and my thoughts race
and I'm afraid
that it's too late
to save what left

just another breath
and another rest
but I don't have another left
in my hollow chest
so I detest
your value of value

I can't explain
why it rains
inside my brain
as I fade
into a claim
that tomorrow will be better

Words escape my mind
And slip my lips
And I'm afraid in time
I'll lose my grip
Because I can't describe
Why I feel like this
And behind my eyes
Lie the darkest pits
And I know it's my crime
Because I'm the one who missed
Although my ways are benign
I still clenched my fists
When I say I'm fine
It's the truth I miss
Because that's a lie
And the truth is the antithesis
My mind's desire
Creates a shrouding mist
Covering my soul's fire
In which it has been quenched

I'm so tired of you
the way you linger in the breeze
the way you live in my memories
the way you voice floats through my mind
making chills roll down my spine

just leave me alone
you have already said your goodbyes
why do you stay in my life
just biding time until I lose my mind
this isn't alright anymore

I do not struggle
With the concept of trouble
I often chase it

I brush away rules
Just like a hardheaded fool
It's time I face it

Vividly aware
I stop full pace and I stare
At only a thought

Thoughts that hold the world
My small mind races and swirls
Ensnared, trapped, and caught

But I think too much
Often I spit and I cuss
Knowing I fall deep

Please try to give me
The rich bittersweet release
To finally, breathe

Do
Not
Think
You know
How I think
Because there
Are things inside
That you cannot see
And it's not fair for me
To pretend that you are
A Godsend or some kind
Of beautiful fury taken out
On my mortal frame for the
Sake of keeping me in line
So don't hold back, please
There's no way for me to be
Sure of what isn't the end
And you knew me so well
That it doesn't really matter
What you say or do because
Losing you is the only thing
That hurts more than getting
Stabbed in the back and I
Am really almost positive
That they are the same thing
And all you are is
The aftermath of
What would have
Been an earth
Shattering love
Or a fragile sun
That brightly
Imploded on
Itself the moment
It realized what
Was in it's near
Future.

Missing you is so easy
When I had you I didn't really
You can't capture the wind in a bottle
And expect it to fill your sails

I wish that that was true
I still miss the smell of freedom
The soft hole in my heart that wasn't there
Grows every time I feel the breeze

Usually, the nights are cold
I use these cigarettes to stay warm
But you loved the smell of cigarette smoke
I didn't smoke them until you left

My hands shake sometimes
I feel you running away so fast
But it's not like this is something brand new
You do this every once in a while

You're made from steel rain
The kind that breaks apart glass
I tried to love a hurricane for a very long time
But she couldn't stay forever

I know they're only momentary these moments I'm living in
But I momentarily can't fathom the pain I'm in
Because the pain I'm in
Brings me to an inconclusive end
And its so unlike me to start and begin again
because I'm like the tin man
I'm frozen and rusted in place
I can't be trusted, I'm a disgrace
my credentials are crusted just to save face

I don't mean to sound pretentious
but I have all intention
of saving myself if it came down to it
and our situations are different
so please try to listen
because this isn't a *******
walk in the park
but rather its a shot in the dark
and neither of us can see
past our own hearts
so don't judge me
for what you did
this isn't great
but it's not a ******* sin
pain can bring out the animal in us all
so don't be surprised when I fall away
and I'm not there
when you wake
because sleep never came to me easy
I'm not broken or ashamed but maybe I am
but I promise I will do the best that I can
to be happier
for myself
vain and conceited
I don't get a chance
but I'm too tired anyway

I saw a sign that read,
"Poems On Demand"
I thought a thought
and quickly quietly said

can you write me a ballad of broken hearts
I'm without a claim to know
I search this wide and foreign land
in hopes to find my home

the river's wide but the drought is near
there's a staleness in the air
I can feel the sun soak through my skin
to warn what was once warm there

and before I could start to turn away
the poet took his pen
he wrote just a simple sentence
to calm the storm within

"I cannot bring her back my friend,
but time is the gift of gods."
I took the paper and read the verse
and transcended into thought.

my eyes are heavy with the weight of my words
and the longer I sleep the less that I hurt
but I see you in my dreams every once in a while
the way that you move always made me smile
until you disappear and I choke while I scream
stuck in the false hope of death they call a dream

I'm not broken I'm bruised
maybe a whole lot confused
and I wish I wasn't but I can't really help that now
you chose to take  a step and we are past that now

I still can't admit that I hide
in a shrinking part of my mind
where I love the old you and forget I never knew you
I swear it's not fair to me that I can't talk to the new you

and I wish you hadn't become
this person so distant so numb
and yet as I read through old letters I catch a glimpse
of the person I loved so long ago and all the harsh hints

I'm not allowed to love you
there's nothing I can really do
I can't blame you for your heart but as mine falls apart
I wish you were here to show you my pain evolved into art

Roses have thorns and violets cause violence
In the midst of a storm, everything is silent

I can reassure you that I cannot forget
But I'm not sure if it's out of love or regret

Maybe down the road, I will finally feel free
Or after time passes it will be the death of me.

I'm not gay but I know what it's like to hide
to keep a door closed to whatever is inside
to be ashamed and afraid for no good reason
to lose yourself causing you to commit treason

but the broken are beautiful as the weak hide
those that were the cause of our demise
like ants under a glass with nowhere to run
karma comes for all of us no matter how dumb

Could we know hope
Without loss?
Without truth
Would all be false?
Without joy
Would we all know pain?
Questions such as these
Make life a game
Answers never found
Questions never asked
Our perceived personalities
Are our perceived masks
I'm tired of life
I'm tired of pain
But I'll continue this lie
For the sake of the game
My wounds never heal
But scars are left behind
My tears tell a story
My eyes seem to hide
Do you see my pain?
Do you know the truth?
No, you're wrong
You see what I allow you
My poker face
Wins the hand
I'm on my knees
Because I can no longer stand
You read my words
You think you know
But even these words
Can't quite show
My mind isn't quiet
My thoughts never cease
Fading away
Would cute this disease
As smiles are replaced
With the sadness that seeps in
Forgive my actions
But not my sins
No god in heaven
Can cure my sorrow
Standing on the edge
I can see my tomorrow
I see my hell
Can you see yours?
I keep mine inside
I'll never tell
For those who never knew
I'm sorry for this
But I'll continue this game
For the hell of it

Don't leave me here to talk to myself
you left me in a hallway leading to hell
And you claimed I was too far away to yell
but I was right by you and you couldn't tell

Arranging thoughts to keep my **** together
an attempt to reassure that I will get better
but I think so much that my head hurts
you didn't feel right so you blamed my tether

I was just trying to give you a gift
something I never had something I missed
and you couldn't justify it so you just left
and not I am all alone with a hole in my chest

There are always rings left
after the cool drink sweats
leaving his mark to be seen
a blemish, a scar, an unlovely ring
that my mom would always get mad about

but being a child
my mind ran wild
and time after time I would forget
and sit
my glass on the bare wood

and time after time
I would run and hide
hearing remembering what I did

I live in fear
every time I hear
your voice growing in anger

don't yell at me.

(1)
I have never caught
Beauty with a net by choice
But by sight instead

(2)
If the mind is fierce
The heart is hard to open
The eyes will say that

(3)
A poem is a
Story with more precise words
And a soft meaning

So apparently
Running is supposed to be
This kind thing that sets you free
Like if you have a depressed mind
It helps you free up what's inside
So I run

But when I run I feel this rage
It's like a building blinding haze
So I Sprint and I Sprint to escape it

But I black out and wake up
And I scream out and I throw up
It's not enough
But it's way too much
And I'm still on this road
It seems like the pain has infected my soul

I'm trying to wrap my heart around the reason that you left
but the more I try to think for you the worse the answers get
Maybe the lies that were uncovered were meant for me instead
of those, I thought were the reason you mumbled under your breath

all I ask is for a conclusion to years of dedication
but now you're gone and I'm left here holding on to degradation
a simple code yet quite unclear leads to infatuation
and I miss your family but I don't think I could ever face them

the thought of you with someone else after all that we had planned
hurts my heart and hurts my head but won't change where you stand
you're so far away and I can hear the chasm that splits our hands
to forever separate our hearts to never connect again

My mind is diluted
And polluted
By the fact that I'm beaten
And the bruises keep forming
As my demons come for me
And I may seem to be deplorable
Maybe it's the chloroform
That makes me forget what I write for
But no matter where I hide
They will find me just in time
To keep me from trying
Trying to find
A place inside my mind
That is mine and only mine
So I just lay in defeat
Broken and beat
But I'm on the edge
Of a ledge
And I'm stuck here screaming
At the sun for beaming
When all I fear is the light
So bright
I want to hide out of sight
But I can't do that now
I have forgotten how
And it blows my mind
What I find
When the sun shines
And if I can't hide I'll run
I will run from the sun
Like a bullet from a gun
But it's no fun
It's not a game
Today's the same
As yesterday
And I'm ashamed
Can you save me
If I say please
Is it honestly
That **** easy
And if it was why is it not
Because as soon as I ask the magic stops
And now I'm doomed
To a life of gloom
And despair
******* it's not fair
But somewhere
And somehow
Some time other than now
I will find me
And I will find peace

My mind is free range
And deranged
And rather strange
But i guess that's ok
In this game
That i play
There's always high winds
The rules tend to bend
So you never really win
But I play anyways
In hopes that one day
I'll win the game
I'm not searching
For fortune or fame
I'm just in love
With the thrill of the game
You will never
Destroy my hope
Cause even in the dark
Stars still glow

My inside are all dark
And my big heart
Falls apart
Its the little things that **** me
But i receive
Them gladly
You never see
What hurts me
Don't worry
I'm not searching
For fortune or fame
I'm just in love
With the thrill of the game
You will never
Destroy my hope
Cause even in the dark
Stars still glow

This **** doesn't get better
I'm not going to lie
There's just longer periods of time
Where you don't cross my mind
And I know that I'm selfish
Because I can’t let you go
But how can I
When you're all that I know
You say that I'm incomplete
And that you need someone whole
But now that you're gone
Where do I go?
I'm walking in a direction
I really can't quite see
I can’t see any of this ****
With all of this fog inside of me
You say that’s my problem
That I can think right
So now all I do is think
But I don’t think right
And I don’t think that's right
I shouldn't have put it on you
But when the shadows dance
All I think of is you
So just whisper my name
From somewhere far behind me
And I promise I'll hear you
I promise that you'll feel me
But I'll be to far gone
To come save you again
I tried to be your hero
And yet I was just your friend
You said that you loved me
Then where are you now
You said you wouldn’t leave
But when I look around
It’s just me standing here
Looking at the clouds
And I lifted you so high
But I was the one let down
So please don’t come knocking
You know I couldn't forget
And the love inside my heart
Battles with my head
It screams to let it out
But I don’t think I can
So tries to **** me
By looking like your hand
And when I try to find you
I find my demons instead
Maybe we weren't meant to be
But ******* love to pretend
My acting career
Destroyed what I feel
It twists my thoughts
And it controls how I heal
The scars have faded
But now their fresh
And I constantly feel jaded
The envy is real
As the pain subsides
I thought you were gone
But you live in my mind

Sometimes when I'm high I float
But not too far off the ground
But at times when I'm sober, I choke
I find it hard to keep the words down

Usually, it's not bad I don't even notice
Then I'm alone and it's all that I notice

These days I barely have a sober day
Afraid of the pain that doesn't exist
Lurking in the shadows barely at bay
I chased it away and yet it persists

I fight for no man yet I am fighting forever
In fear I plan yet I haven't put it together

I change on a whim and with no intent
You can't see when I see the loathing
I challenge the fact that I am spent
With a test that I myself had not chosen

Don't second guess the choice to choose
One slip of a tongue, the question is who's

I've been lost
And I've been broken
Given up faith
But I keep on hoping
For a piece of peace of mind
I've long forgotten
stirring up a storm
that there's no stopping

but by the time I realize
that the day time is now night
and the skyline is not bright
I just might die of fright
because I can't breathe just right
my chest is to tight tonight

so I walk through the rain
with my head low but my brow high
and the roads that were wet are now dry
but the heat ***** with my brain

I'm silent enough to listen
But my head still screams my fears
I want to do more than listen
But the silence is all I hear
You say I'm more than nothing
But why can't I see it to
I strive to at least be something
But nothing is all I do

I don't write when I'm sad
but when I write I'm sad
and what's right feels bad
and what's left is a tad too sad
to feel happy or glad
so my words taste sad
at the end of the day

and maybe I've changed
my thoughts becoming strange
in a storm of sufferable pain
but I still feel that same
I don't know whats changed
but I know something has rearranged
how and what I  see

so let's attempt to dream
with our eyes open to see
what we already faithfully believe to be
this amazing opportunity
to live free in a sea
of cordial uncertainty
but isn't that what makes us feel alive

Cast me out
Into the sea
Forget everything
That I used to be
I tried to forget
I tried to forgive
But I lost myself
Trying to live
Cast me out
In the stones of death
Forget I ever
Held a breath
Blame me now
For my father's sins
I tried to be better
I really did
But the past is now
Its come again
Too late for apologies
I'll never win
My mind has made
A choice, not mine
The end is to come
Only with time
You may not see
Before it's too late
The moment is now
For you to take

I think I lost myself
and I've become someone else
but I don't really know if I remember who I was before
so until I find myself
I'm asking for your help
I'll get on my knees I'm begging you please to help me find who I was before
I wonder if you hear
what sounds like fear
because it's resonating in my mind and I think it's controlling my heart
maybe I'm not really here
and maybe I shouldn't try to steer
because every time I do I hit a wall and it's tearing me apart