It's been over a year and I cannot forget it
My heart always hurts and I tend to let it
I strive for a connection but always regret it
Lines get drawn and I overstep them

It's a problem that I'm stuck in the past
But for my heart time moves to fast
Life tells jokes and I forget to laugh
I close my eyes when reality floods back

So maybe I'm not
As fine as I thought
Maybe I lose myself from time to time on accident

This isn't a promise
I'm just being honest
When I say I hope I find myself before it all ends

I think therapy is helping. I think I finally figured out that we were always better off apart. I never was able to treat you as the queen you were and instead treated you like I treat myself, always begging for better communication, tripping over petty inconsistencies and desensitizing what it meant to be comfortable. I was always Mac and you were always Ari. While I am heartbroken, I cant blame you for the wreck. Nor can I use it to justify my reactions. It was poor timing and a case of the one locked inside his own head and the one trying to break those walls. You succeeded even though we didnt. Im grateful but still wounded. Like sacrificing an arm to prevent the spread of infection. I am struggling but will learn to live differently with this experience in mind.

There's a place inside
My mind I find
Atrocities like to hide
Keeping my heart pure of things that would surely break it

While there's no cure for the curse
The lord's hands are surely at work
Creating a labyrinth of self doubt and confusion making my mind just as fragile as it strong

They say you should forgive your enemy
But remember their name
and I can guarantee that mine is written on every book and on every page
Of everyone I have ever hurt or ever slain
Or every person I have ever met
Written in blood as black as it is wet
They may have forgiven but I never forget

It's a gross misconception that anyone's really there
I presume there's a dark void separating the reality we share
I forget if I dream but something inside keeps me there
And I chose to wake up because it's the night when I'm scared
As the moon comes up and the chill hits the air
I almost forget how lost in the void I get when I stare

The seas kept pushing a dark mist when it hit
The rocks never gave but the waves still hit
I am not the rock or the ambitious sea
I was the man on the hill with a pen and some tea

Which of my people spoke of the lonely forest
For I the poet too feel empty and cold like a grave
I believe we mourn our dead like death is evil
But they fear strange unknown darkness

Some howl silent melancholy thunder from soul pain
Always between alone, lost, or confusion
Face this earth alone and walk by light young spirit
Echo nevermore with every dark gray storm

No man shrouds his heart come crypt
You are who was there unseen as skin is made though it is bone
Shudder shiver cry be as pale dread
Scream bitter truth whisper about a broken imagination

White raven how he did hide in cover of a black shadow
Through dusk and fly at dawn
He leaves in my crepuscular half dream
I see him here more often now so fill my mystery midnight

I would like to bare my soul
and lie in a bed of roses
and know what it's like to fall
asleep as my eyes are closing
and hopefully, I begin to dream
it's something I forget to do
and I hope you say goodnight again
and my heart stops feeling blue

can you see me?
can you tell where I am tonight?
do you hear me?
I don't know where to find my mind

please
give me the time
a humble request
but always denied
a chosen deity whose face replaced
the one from before who has since been disgraced
mangled and broken wings clipped due to fear
an angel once mighty now bound to us here
blessed with the gift of a terrible curse
whatever made me follow was never rehearsed
and I'm forever still searching for nothing I know
golden opportunities I was forced to let go
but more so over I just wish that I knew
why I was abandoned by Truth
fix me if you can for I've come unglued
not broken anymore but pieced together without clues

I have asked a question for so long I forget what it was
I think it started differently than where it is now
it haunts my tongue and stays on my mind
I can't quite put it into words just yet
I want to push more than I am
I cant gain traction here
in my frozen mind
unknown hour
golden war
never
oh

I cast a wary gaze on dreary days
Wishing she could hear me
With lifted eyes on the cloudy skies
That float forever near me
Holding broken lines of broken time
Hoping to catch a glimpse
In a ***** mirror something superior
But cant even if I squint

The rain beats down
My clothes grow heavy
My head is hard to lift
Broken glass
Lay in my chest
My mind wet red brick
I forget my name
And who I was
Before I felt the shift

Everyone has a flight or fight reaction but I just tend to freeze
I hope they hear my jagged breath when I try to breathe
The fight inside has torn my mind more than they can
and the more I fly from the fight the less I understand
so freeze me in this immortal struggle and take me as I come
I'm afraid I cannot change and if I do I may come undone

Please let me lose
Lose the ability to breathe
Or the ability to see
The will to keep fighting
This overbearing sea
I want a reason to exist
Or quite the opposite
I want to ******* die
But i dont want to quit
I want to finally be done
with all of this ****
Like theres still a reason for any of it
Please give me a simple way out
A train to derail and hit me in the mouth
Why cant i head north
when everything goes south
I'm lost in space while sitting on the couch
And its not my ******* fault
but i cant catch myself when i fall
I'm climbing up walls
I'm afraid are to tall
I built inside my head when i lost it all

All work and no play
seems to make up my days
as I slave away
to a concaved system of change
I wanted to grow up until I didn't
and there's a demon on my shoulder just sitting
making my outlook is bleak which is fitting
but don't mind me he claims I'm just sipping
a drink to help me think
as I blink
the world fades
into a stage
a masquerade
where we all stay
in the void
it's a ploy
that we convince ourselves is fine
if I had a dime
for every time
that I claimed I could fly
I would lift my wings and do so

I've never ridden one
but I am familiar with Camels

I've never been there
but I see Hell when I close my eyes

you don't see me
but I wish you would move out of my mind

please just go
the closer you get the further away you feel

I still talk to myself
the more I do the more I understand

you don't know me now
but I don't think you ever tried

The past is an opaque glass
something I can see but never get through
the longer I look the less I see
but no matter when I look I find you

this universe is centered around my feet
revolving creating dust from stone
nothing I see is from your eyes
and knowing I never will, hits cold bone

my feet only run as fast as my legs
but my stamina controls them too
A thick fog inside my ill and blinding mind
I breathe in smoke hoping to make it though

sometimes when I write
the words are a struggle
but other long nights
they only cause trouble
burning holes like they're running in place
barely keeping still as if ready for a race
barely containing themselves behind my swollen face
broken and ****** and so full of disgrace
***** and lonesome like old mattress stains
and yet I still envy those who are not me

wouldn't you?

I'm not gay but I know what it's like to hide
to keep a door closed to whatever is inside
to be ashamed and afraid for no good reason
to lose yourself causing you to commit treason

but the broken are beautiful as the weak hide
those that were the cause of our demise
like ants under a glass with nowhere to run
karma comes for all of us no matter how dumb

my eyes are heavy with the weight of my words
and the longer I sleep the less that I hurt
but I see you in my dreams every once in a while
the way that you move always made me smile
until you disappear and I choke while I scream
stuck in the false hope of death they call a dream

I breathe in the night sky
hoping the stars will cut my throat
I never really wanted to die
but tonight I just don't know
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of lying
I'm tired so just let me go
cigarettes replace the night sky
as I **** down another smoke

just another cigarette break
as my hands shake
and my thoughts race
and I'm afraid
that it's too late
to save what left

just another breath
and another rest
but I don't have another left
in my hollow chest
so I detest
your value of value

I can't explain
why it rains
inside my brain
as I fade
into a claim
that tomorrow will be better

kings and queens brought to our knees waiting on execution
masses blindly cheering on thirsty for retribution
i believe in some kind of god but not for what he has done
but because the demons in my head prove to me there is one

dopamine and serotonin has turned me into an addict
starving from withdraws when I used to live so lavish
a chemical imbalance is enough to keep me awake
and the thoughts running through my head cause me to shake

Do
Not
Think
You know
How I think
Because there
Are things inside
That you cannot see
And it's not fair for me
To pretend that you are
A Godsend or some kind
Of beautiful fury taken out
On my mortal frame for the
Sake of keeping me in line
So don't hold back, please
There's no way for me to be
Sure of what isn't the end
And you knew me so well
That it doesn't really matter
What you say or do because
Losing you is the only thing
That hurts more than getting
Stabbed in the back and I
Am really almost positive
That they are the same thing
And all you are is
The aftermath of
What would have
Been an earth
Shattering love
Or a fragile sun
That brightly
Imploded on
Itself the moment
It realized what
Was in it's near
Future.

its a cold and broken sky
that shines its light tonight
and the snow on the ground
that slips into the night

My voice cracks my words fall
the floor turns to void
a broken hallelujah escapes
as I disappear beneath their ploy

I don't mean to sound pretentious
but I have all intention
of saving myself if it came down to it
and our situations are different
so please try to listen
because this isn't a *******
walk in the park
but rather its a shot in the dark
and neither of us can see
past our own hearts
so don't judge me
for what you did
this isn't great
but it's not a ******* sin
pain can bring out the animal in us all
so don't be surprised when I fall away
and I'm not there
when you wake
because sleep never came to me easy
I'm not broken or ashamed but maybe I am
but I promise I will do the best that I can
to be happier
for myself
vain and conceited
I don't get a chance
but I'm too tired anyway

the world is a sea I believe
but I cannot breathe underwater
the more I swim in this sea
the more it pulls me under

leave me be for I can see
the fins that break the surface
they smile when they see me bleed
their speed makes me nervous

I can't breathe anymore
but its not from lack of trying
I pretend people are inanimate
I always find I'm lying

I, I, I
me, me, me
******* I'm so secular and vain

I slip and sink in the sink as I wash my hands
It's not very deep but I can get lost in a familiar land
so drowning doesn't seem that out of place

why I think the way I think really ***** with my head
and I swear I don't mess with it so why does it sleep in my bed
It's ugly and screams but I have never seen its face

so maybe you were right or made it happen by hoping
I swear it wasn't true but reality becomes real after it's spoken
and now I'm left fleeing and bleeding and losing my grace

allow me to bring attention
to what I forgot to mention
I have a predisposition
to build fences when there's tension

and I don't mean to sound
like I'm trying to bring you down
but when you come around
I can't make myself stay on the ground

and this may be a little weird
but I have this irrational fear
of attempting to steer clear
of emotion whenever you are near

so judge me if you have to
I promise I won't be mad at you
we all have to do
what's best when we find our own truth

Open the door
Let in a new old friend
let's explore the concaves and octaves
that comes with thought and with actions
with words and with fractions
of emotions so eloquent
we get lost and forget
to remember we no longer know each other

I don't write when I'm sad
but when I write I'm sad
and what's right feels bad
and what's left is a tad too sad
to feel happy or glad
so my words taste sad
at the end of the day

and maybe I've changed
my thoughts becoming strange
in a storm of sufferable pain
but I still feel that same
I don't know whats changed
but I know something has rearranged
how and what I  see

so let's attempt to dream
with our eyes open to see
what we already faithfully believe to be
this amazing opportunity
to live free in a sea
of cordial uncertainty
but isn't that what makes us feel alive

Roses have thorns and violets cause violence
In the midst of a storm, everything is silent

I can reassure you that I cannot forget
But I'm not sure if it's out of love or regret

Maybe down the road, I will finally feel free
Or after time passes it will be the death of me.

I'm not broken I'm bruised
maybe a whole lot confused
and I wish I wasn't but I can't really help that now
you chose to take  a step and we are past that now

I still can't admit that I hide
in a shrinking part of my mind
where I love the old you and forget I never knew you
I swear it's not fair to me that I can't talk to the new you

and I wish you hadn't become
this person so distant so numb
and yet as I read through old letters I catch a glimpse
of the person I loved so long ago and all the harsh hints

I'm not allowed to love you
there's nothing I can really do
I can't blame you for your heart but as mine falls apart
I wish you were here to show you my pain evolved into art

Don't leave me here to talk to myself
you left me in a hallway leading to hell
And you claimed I was too far away to yell
but I was right by you and you couldn't tell

Arranging thoughts to keep my **** together
an attempt to reassure that I will get better
but I think so much that my head hurts
you didn't feel right so you blamed my tether

I was just trying to give you a gift
something I never had something I missed
and you couldn't justify it so you just left
and not I am all alone with a hole in my chest

I've been lost
And I've been broken
Given up faith
But I keep on hoping
For a piece of peace of mind
I've long forgotten
stirring up a storm
that there's no stopping

but by the time I realize
that the day time is now night
and the skyline is not bright
I just might die of fright
because I can't breathe just right
my chest is to tight tonight

so I walk through the rain
with my head low but my brow high
and the roads that were wet are now dry
but the heat ***** with my brain

You asked me not to be angry
but understood why I was hurt
and in my dreams, I'm driven crazy
trying to escape your words

I see your face and hear your sweet voice
I see you more than I would like to
and I try to justify what wasn't my choice
and in the morning I miss myself more than I miss you

I'm so tired of thinking of someone who won't return
she won't come back, she won't share in this emotion
it's beyond the fact that she won't be here in person
but I miss her spirit her essence her beautiful being
oh god why am I here again
why do I feel again
why must I torment myself with the fictional fact
that throws me back to the fire
of desire and loss
of love and hurt
I made I promise I cannot break
and I promise I won't break
but you asked me not to hate
and without your love
where do I lay?

I'm so tired of you
the way you linger in the breeze
the way you live in my memories
the way you voice floats through my mind
making chills roll down my spine

just leave me alone
you have already said your goodbyes
why do you stay in my life
just biding time until I lose my mind
this isn't alright anymore

I'm trying to wrap my heart around the reason that you left
but the more I try to think for you the worse the answers get
Maybe the lies that were uncovered were meant for me instead
of those, I thought were the reason you mumbled under your breath

all I ask is for a conclusion to years of dedication
but now you're gone and I'm left here holding on to degradation
a simple code yet quite unclear leads to infatuation
and I miss your family but I don't think I could ever face them

the thought of you with someone else after all that we had planned
hurts my heart and hurts my head but won't change where you stand
you're so far away and I can hear the chasm that splits our hands
to forever separate our hearts to never connect again

I love that you love me
let me hold your hand
we fit like a glove see

But don't watch me cry alone in my room

You hold me together
like a ball on a string
you'll always be my tether

but don't watch me fall into my shadow

what are you upset about
I have a bad feeling
my heart hurts when you shout

and now we don't talk about our problems

you're gone most of the time
I can still touch you
but your hand doesn't fit in mine

I have run out of tears and just stare

we sit with both hearts heavy
I think we both know
I think we are both finally ready

except we both know we may never be whole

now we don't talk at all anymore
and I still think about you
my heart is still bruised and sore

but I think I can now see why you were upset

There are always rings left
after the cool drink sweats
leaving his mark to be seen
a blemish, a scar, an unlovely ring
that my mom would always get mad about

but being a child
my mind ran wild
and time after time I would forget
and sit
my glass on the bare wood

and time after time
I would run and hide
hearing remembering what I did

I live in fear
every time I hear
your voice growing in anger

don't yell at me.

Desperation breeds creation
and I cannot forget
that beyond a desperate plea for elation
hides a concurrent twist

An overview of hidden views
never seen in daylight
Is impossible because they're often skewed
but beg for some kind insight

I see a scatterplot of scattered thought
and try to find the truth
But I grow weary within weathered thought
though I remain still in my youth

I do not struggle
With the concept of trouble
I often chase it

I brush away rules
Just like a hardheaded fool
It's time I face it

Vividly aware
I stop full pace and I stare
At only a thought

Thoughts that hold the world
My small mind races and swirls
Ensnared, trapped, and caught

But I think too much
Often I spit and I cuss
Knowing I fall deep

Please try to give me
The rich bittersweet release
To finally, breathe

I. Just. Can't. Think.
I'm on the brink
As I blink
I  let her go and I sink

As I put up my guard
I'll rust like the bars on my heart
Let them tear me apart
Just leave me in the yard

I never knew your love was fake
So today I shake
You've shown me the strength that it takes
To cause an earthquake

what do you do when there's a physical pain in your heart
not a heart attack just the atoms tearing themselves apart

oh how I envy those who have so eagerly moved away
please cut my ******* throat so I may do the same

It's a sad day when you relaize
that all along you loved ablack hole
always taking and  noithign gained i trie= nf
as'dfihiwor____

I don't dream but I'm dreaming
My throat bleeds but I'm screaming
There's nothing I can do, is there?

I love you like you so often haunt me
Without relent and with such an intensity
It's not my fault anymore, is it?

I wonder if I still cross your mind
I hope you know you still stay on mine
That doesn't matter now, does it?

As time moves on, I steady learn
My heart grows heavy as my mind yearns
You're so ******* far away, aren't you?

Goodbye past love, I can't hold on
I wanted it to work out for so ******* long
I fell and it's not dark in here anymore.

Missing you is so easy
When I had you I didn't really
You can't capture the wind in a bottle
And expect it to fill your sails

I wish that that was true
I still miss the smell of freedom
The soft hole in my heart that wasn't there
Grows every time I feel the breeze

Usually, the nights are cold
I use these cigarettes to stay warm
But you loved the smell of cigarette smoke
I didn't smoke them until you left

My hands shake sometimes
I feel you running away so fast
But it's not like this is something brand new
You do this every once in a while

You're made from steel rain
The kind that breaks apart glass
I tried to love a hurricane for a very long time
But she couldn't stay forever

I saw a sign that read,
"Poems On Demand"
I thought a thought
and quickly quietly said

can you write me a ballad of broken hearts
I'm without a claim to know
I search this wide and foreign land
in hopes to find my home

the river's wide but the drought is near
there's a staleness in the air
I can feel the sun soak through my skin
to warn what was once warm there

and before I could start to turn away
the poet took his pen
he wrote just a simple sentence
to calm the storm within

"I cannot bring her back my friend,
but time is the gift of gods."
I took the paper and read the verse
and transcended into thought.

please excuse my miscommunication
I didn't need it growing up
all I needed was the consistent dedication
to escape from where I was

please look past my fragile heart
it grew in place of the stone
I don't care about my emotionless art
by to lose the few hits solid bone

reprieve the foundation I can never find
stability was never my forté
I seek instead for a solid state of mind
or at least that's what I claim

forgive me for my transgressions
they were not meant in vain
I don't live up well to expectations
I only thinly mask their blame

Another year my dear
Without you next to me
I cannot hear my dear
Did you ask for me?

another prose another day
nothing has begun to change
so I in fear I write that tonight
I just may end my life

but don't dig too deep
for words are action with no air
which explains my struggle to breathe
without you here my dear