Today my mind will find time for the pain inside
But my heart remains on lockdown
I can forget to forgive as I give what I get
And all I want is to lie down
I scream as I see what is wrong with me
But I can’t hide fast enough
I asked you for proof you told me the truth
But rules don’t apply to love

Reading and writing at midnight
Never help me sleep
I breathe, I cry then I stop
And then start to think
Its 1am and I don’t know
When I’ll drift away
As time flies by I reach a hand
But it’s always the same
I cannot breathe
I cannot scream
I feel the words in my throat
They won’t come out
And by tomorrow I’ll start to choke
But don’t judge me
For your thoughts are your own
I won’t hold them against you
And you should know
That I stayed there
Always waiting for you
Now it’s too late
And I’ve gone away
I couldn’t stand living I the pain

I struggle with that fact
That I Mr. Sly
Have a target on my back
And everyone around me reacts
To the lack
Of hat tricks I have
But I can only score
Once more
Or so I think
I'm on the brink
Of desperation
The frustration
Is killing me
My mind is killing me
There's no healing me
Dopamine is my drug and its filling me
But it starts to flood
There's to much
I'm losing my mind with a brush
Of her lips
Its a kiss
Its a lie
In my mind
I scream I'm fine
But I realize
That's a lie
Its about time
I come to grips
With all of this
The blatant ticks
As the hands twist
But they do more than turn
They ****** and they burn
The grab and they yearn
For what is not theirs
With their mechanical gears
They latch on to my fears
I can feel their stares
Boring holes into my mind
Oh these hands of time

Sometimes when I'm high I float
But not too far off the ground
But at times when I'm sober, I choke
I find it hard to keep the words down

Usually, it's not bad I don't even notice
Then I'm alone and it's all that I notice

These days I barely have a sober day
Afraid of the pain that doesn't exist
Lurking in the shadows barely at bay
I chased it away and yet it persists

I fight for no man yet I am fighting forever
In fear I plan yet I haven't put it together

I change on a whim and with no intent
You can't see when I see the loathing
I challenge the fact that I am spent
With a test that I myself had not chosen

Don't second guess the choice to choose
One slip of a tongue, the question is who's

The place I seek is cold
It's dark, damp, and silent
A place the devil sold
For it contains the most violent

Before I broke my mind
I could not find this place
Now the deed is signed
And it rests behind my face

I hear their screams and laughs
I can't tell what is true
My heart is torn in half
By beings, my mind had grew

I walk the same waters I once drowned in
When life ended I somehow rose again

My heart does not beat I live nonetheless
I am a human shell that still draws breath

I refuse to speak silence is a gift
I want to see but too afraid to live

I wish to write but cannot hold a pen
The paper is blank and the lines barren

I hide with my hands: my mouth, eyes, and ears
I read the same words that confirm my fears

I scream in the dark the world will not know
I hide in the drugs the pain will not show

I'm pretending
I'm descending
In a pit of comprehending
Of why I'm condescending
And I'm infuriating
And debating
Whether its blood that I'm tasting
Or just the time that I'm wasting
But my head is made of lead
And I collapse as if I'm dead
The thunder is louder in my head
So I wanna go back to bed
I'm painfully painting
Frantically fading
Slightly saying
I'm definitely draining

It's 2:43 and I can't sleep
I close my eyes and I can't dream
It would seem to me
I'm going crazy
My mind is covered in a film so hazy
But I must be oh so lazy
For not fighting for a chance to raise me
And lift myself
I tell myself
I have nothing else
To turn to
I lost you
I always do
I always choose
To lose
The few
The truth is
I can't do this
I walk around clueless
To the facts
As a matter of fact
When you look at it like that
I'm fading into the past
As life flies past
And goes way to fast
I wanna crash
I'll come in last
Moments go by with a flash
And it's all I ask
Not to bask
In the rays
of a sun that will be taken away
And fade
As the dark runs away
And night overtakes the day
I was too late
To play
But now it's 3
And the harder I try to sleep
The faster my mind flees
And runs from me
I won't catch it tonight
So I'll just cry
And hope for sunlight
And pray to a god who just might
Listen to my unanswered prayers tonight

My mind is diluted
And polluted
By the fact that I'm beaten
And the bruises keep forming
As my demons come for me
And I may seem to be deplorable
Maybe it's the chloroform
That makes me forget what I write for
But no matter where I hide
They will find me just in time
To keep me from trying
Trying to find
A place inside my mind
That is mine and only mine
So I just lay in defeat
Broken and beat
But I'm on the edge
Of a ledge
And I'm stuck here screaming
At the sun for beaming
When all I fear is the light
So bright
I want to hide out of sight
But I can't do that now
I have forgotten how
And it blows my mind
What I find
When the sun shines
And if I can't hide I'll run
I will run from the sun
Like a bullet from a gun
But it's no fun
It's not a game
Today's the same
As yesterday
And I'm ashamed
Can you save me
If I say please
Is it honestly
That **** easy
And if it was why is it not
Because as soon as I ask the magic stops
And now I'm doomed
To a life of gloom
And despair
******* it's not fair
But somewhere
And somehow
Some time other than now
I will find me
And I will find peace

I have to admit
I wanna slip
Into the dreams
In which
You remember me
Because it seems
When I wake up
You don't give a ****
It must be fair
That I don't care
So you walk by
Then I blink my eyes and time flys
And it bothers me
That I can't be what I wanna be
Or see what I wanna see
When it comes to you and me
It ended so drastically
And tragically
But unsurprisingly
I am both bound and free
To disagree
With me

My heads so hard today
As I stare at my scars today
And maybe I'm afraid today
That tomorrow will be the same as today

I don't hear what you say today
So I won't change today
But maybe I'll scream today
Or maybe I'll bleed today

I will not win today
I will lose again today
This is my fault today
I have my fought today

I can't see to escape today
I'm stuck in place today
If I try to run today
I would chase the sun today

But tomorrow became today
And I choose to change today
I won't be the same today
I accept my pain today

I'll do my best today
To use what's in my chest today
My head will have a seat today
I won't be beat today

I am so bruised today
But at least I flew today
My wings were healed today
My fate was sealed today

(1)
I have never caught
Beauty with a net by choice
But by sight instead

(2)
If the mind is fierce
The heart is hard to open
The eyes will say that

(3)
A poem is a
Story with more precise words
And a soft meaning

I tend to play with the ashes
After the bridges have burned
The smoke scars my lungs
As the shadows start to lurk
I never learn my lesson
I'm always on the run
Nothing satisfies the monster
No matter what I've done

I've been up but I stay down
I've become friends with the ground
You can't save what I am
When I'm only half a man
You say left but I go right
You won't save me tonight
Maybe I loved you before
But now something isn't right

I'm silent enough to listen
But my head still screams my fears
I want to do more than listen
But the silence is all I hear
You say I'm more than nothing
But why can't I see it to
I strive to at least be something
But nothing is all I do

Words clutter my tongue
And I don't know where they come from
Or why they're here
The speak of the darkest parts of my fear
But they tell of the good times
the bad and the worse
They tell of the last time
And the second and first
They say sweet things
But the words can also be mean
But all of these words mean so much to me
You hear my voice but not what i say
There's things i whisper when you walk away
But today is a good day
And tomorrow it will be yesterday
I lose my words and some times find to many
But there are times when I can't form any
A story in the making page by page
Another character is written as another one fades

My words disappear more often than not
Lost in a sea made of thought
Though i try retain the little i can
Everyday it gets harder to stand
Metaphors and sarcastic tones
Replace the smiles that called my lips home
My poems have lost the flare of my mind
The words will soon be lost to time
I've given my all and have little left
My greatest love has made the greatest theft
Maybe its all manifested inside
And all of my confusion is based on a lie
My heart is a mess and covered in webs
Smothered to the point where i no longer draw breath
Built to survive I don't need to live
Just get through the night to fake another grin

I don't care
Whats in your hair
But I'll be there
When there's a bear
And I'll fight it
But I'm afraid of the sky
Because things can fly
So i close my eyes
So the dark confines
But they find me
So in the dark ill hide
Wheres there's no light
So they cant find
Whats in my mind
Because its frightening

I don't know where I'm going
In my soul, I think it snowing
I think I'm asleep
But my dreams haunt me
So I will walk until I'm home
So why do I feel so alone

From night to day
There is a change
One that strays
From my mistakes
But I'll hide it
The sun was gone
Before this song
Came along
And tried to write the wrong
Can you guide it
My mind is lost
Due to frost
The cold can cost
For I'm, not the boss
Though I comprise him

I don't know where I'm going
In my soul, I think it snowing
I think I'm asleep
But my dreams haunt me
So I will walk until I'm home
So why do I feel so alone

Cast me out
Into the sea
Forget everything
That I used to be
I tried to forget
I tried to forgive
But I lost myself
Trying to live
Cast me out
In the stones of death
Forget I ever
Held a breath
Blame me now
For my father's sins
I tried to be better
I really did
But the past is now
Its come again
Too late for apologies
I'll never win
My mind has made
A choice, not mine
The end is to come
Only with time
You may not see
Before it's too late
The moment is now
For you to take

My mind is free range
And deranged
And rather strange
But i guess that's ok
In this game
That i play
There's always high winds
The rules tend to bend
So you never really win
But I play anyways
In hopes that one day
I'll win the game
I'm not searching
For fortune or fame
I'm just in love
With the thrill of the game
You will never
Destroy my hope
Cause even in the dark
Stars still glow

My inside are all dark
And my big heart
Falls apart
Its the little things that **** me
But i receive
Them gladly
You never see
What hurts me
Don't worry
I'm not searching
For fortune or fame
I'm just in love
With the thrill of the game
You will never
Destroy my hope
Cause even in the dark
Stars still glow

I think I lost myself
and I've become someone else
but I don't really know if I remember who I was before
so until I find myself
I'm asking for your help
I'll get on my knees I'm begging you please to help me find who I was before
I wonder if you hear
what sounds like fear
because it's resonating in my mind and I think it's controlling my heart
maybe I'm not really here
and maybe I shouldn't try to steer
because every time I do I hit a wall and it's tearing me apart

The waves are crashing in
Just beneath my skin
Do you hear the thunderclouds?
In my head, they're way too loud
The tidal waves are coming
And the rain will start to pour
So I better start running
Because I'm only in for more
The lighting starts to strike
Striking in my mind
Setting my thoughts on fire
Burning behind my eyes
You will never see
What's inside of me
And I will never strive
To be what I am inside
So turn away from the truth
Don't stay I'm begging you
You don't deserve what's to come
It's best if I just turn and run
I hide from myself
Afraid of what I'll see
So please protect yourself
From whats inside of me

Who am I?
Where am I going?
Though I try to understand
I don't know what I'm doing

I'm a little fish on land
Lungs with no air
Struggling to breath
I have become scared

But no one can know
I won't let them see
There are many fish in the ocean
But none on land for me

a heavy heart carries the weight of more than a thousand men
and neither could foresee the path that had been set before them
and as the sky set forth a blazing road that both were scared to take
he took her hand and calmed her mind that had begun to shake

without a word he set forth the pace giving her time to try
he needed her more than words could say so he merely dried her eyes
for actions can paint a picture that the tongue is scared to say
and tomorrow he'll still be there just as he was today

but tomorrow came and he lost her hand and it came with a terrible price
for an end was sought and quickly received in which came eternal night
and though silence was found she was not and his heart did scream her name
no matter how he tried to forget he couldn't for she's the reason he came

Words escape my mind
And slip my lips
And I'm afraid in time
I'll lose my grip
Because I can't describe
Why I feel like this
And behind my eyes
Lie the darkest pits
And I know it's my crime
Because I'm the one who missed
Although my ways are benign
I still clenched my fists
When I say I'm fine
It's the truth I miss
Because that's a lie
And the truth is the antithesis
My mind's desire
Creates a shrouding mist
Covering my soul's fire
In which it has been quenched

I know they're only momentary these moments I'm living in
But I momentarily can't fathom the pain I'm in
Because the pain I'm in
Brings me to an inconclusive end
And its so unlike me to start and begin again
because I'm like the tin man
I'm frozen and rusted in place
I can't be trusted, I'm a disgrace
my credentials are crusted just to save face

So apparently
Running is supposed to be
This kind thing that sets you free
Like if you have a depressed mind
It helps you free up what's inside
So I run

But when I run I feel this rage
It's like a building blinding haze
So I Sprint and I Sprint to escape it

But I black out and wake up
And I scream out and I throw up
It's not enough
But it's way too much
And I'm still on this road
It seems like the pain has infected my soul

There's a sea
Separating me
From reality
And I reach out my hand
Even though I can no longer see land
I can hear you calling my name
But you're so far away

So I sink and I drown
And my body's never found
But my soul is still there
Living in dead air
I don't know where I am anymore
And I don't know what I'm living for
But one thing remains clear
You're still there and I'm still here

I need you and that's the truth
I don't know what I'd do without you
And I don't know where I'd be
If it was left only to me
I need you

If you think of no one think of me
Bc if it wasn't for you I don't know where I'd be
And I will never forget you
Bc I know you're the only one to see me through
I need you

From your wistful laugh to your fiery eyes
To the passion you wear on your sleeve all the time
I need you

So call my name at least one more time
And allow me to truly try to find
You
Because I. Need. You.

Love
A four letter word
What is love
Other than absurd
A question never asked
Leaves answers never found
Sets a limit
Said to be unbound
Ponder this question
For I'll only ask one time
Is your love
The same as mine?
How do you know
With only one word to describe
What it is you feel
What is on the inside
I can not explain
Nor can I show
This thing called love
Might as well be a hoax
I can't decide on what it is
I am so confused
I can't make sense of it
All I need is a clue

Every choice I make
Has an alternate mistake
Every word I write
Tears apart my life
I can not forgive
I can not forget
I stop my hand
But my mind I never can
I am the second guess
I am just a reject
My mind plays tricks
My heart never forgets
The scars left behind
Are the obvious signs
But no one sees
Exactly what pains me
And they all fade
But the pain remains
They only see
The happy me

Could we know hope
Without loss?
Without truth
Would all be false?
Without joy
Would we all know pain?
Questions such as these
Make life a game
Answers never found
Questions never asked
Our perceived personalities
Are our perceived masks
I'm tired of life
I'm tired of pain
But I'll continue this lie
For the sake of the game
My wounds never heal
But scars are left behind
My tears tell a story
My eyes seem to hide
Do you see my pain?
Do you know the truth?
No, you're wrong
You see what I allow you
My poker face
Wins the hand
I'm on my knees
Because I can no longer stand
You read my words
You think you know
But even these words
Can't quite show
My mind isn't quiet
My thoughts never cease
Fading away
Would cute this disease
As smiles are replaced
With the sadness that seeps in
Forgive my actions
But not my sins
No god in heaven
Can cure my sorrow
Standing on the edge
I can see my tomorrow
I see my hell
Can you see yours?
I keep mine inside
I'll never tell
For those who never knew
I'm sorry for this
But I'll continue this game
For the hell of it

This **** doesn't get better
I'm not going to lie
There's just longer periods of time
Where you don't cross my mind
And I know that I'm selfish
Because I can’t let you go
But how can I
When you're all that I know
You say that I'm incomplete
And that you need someone whole
But now that you're gone
Where do I go?
I'm walking in a direction
I really can't quite see
I can’t see any of this ****
With all of this fog inside of me
You say that’s my problem
That I can think right
So now all I do is think
But I don’t think right
And I don’t think that's right
I shouldn't have put it on you
But when the shadows dance
All I think of is you
So just whisper my name
From somewhere far behind me
And I promise I'll hear you
I promise that you'll feel me
But I'll be to far gone
To come save you again
I tried to be your hero
And yet I was just your friend
You said that you loved me
Then where are you now
You said you wouldn’t leave
But when I look around
It’s just me standing here
Looking at the clouds
And I lifted you so high
But I was the one let down
So please don’t come knocking
You know I couldn't forget
And the love inside my heart
Battles with my head
It screams to let it out
But I don’t think I can
So tries to **** me
By looking like your hand
And when I try to find you
I find my demons instead
Maybe we weren't meant to be
But ******* love to pretend
My acting career
Destroyed what I feel
It twists my thoughts
And it controls how I heal
The scars have faded
But now their fresh
And I constantly feel jaded
The envy is real
As the pain subsides
I thought you were gone
But you live in my mind