High school, the best years of your life
I would love to know why
All I do is stress stress stress
Worry about the zeros in my class's
Procrastinating the project till the night before
Ruining my body in track and basketball
Talking sparingly to my friends at lunch
No more free time,
No more playing with outside,
No more anything
Time of my life?

Why is it the most adventurous, fun jobs in life
Don't pay enough to even own a house

I realized, even though I had always had a feeling
I am completely asexual, with physical ****** things
And surprisingly, relationships and love
I'm sorry im not who  you wanted me to be
But I can't do it, because everytime we do something
I have this heart flutter, but I can't ignore
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
I'm not cut out to be in a relationship,
I'm too messed up to tell the difference
Between love and a frienship
I'm sorry that this isn't even a poem anymore
I'm sorry I can't go on dreaming about relationships and love
When I'll honestly never be in any of them
I'll always be there for you, and every thing I've told you is true
But I can't do it,
I'm too asexual

When your parents are asking about boys and boyfriends
Do you ever wanna just get it over with and scream in their face,
*I AM GAY

I am usually happy
Ready to spread smiles,
Make someone laugh,
Calm someone down
But sometimes I fake it
And pretend I'm okay
When really a combination
Of stress, father, and self hate
Mix to make me different.
To look in a mirror and wince
Dread going home
And sweat over grades
And when I get that upset..
I do things I regret

I feel as though I'm in a cage,
School, work, eat, sleep,
A never ending cycle forming
A life of daily routine, not surprises
One day we have to stop and ask
did God really put us here
to get stuck in a boring routine
did God create beautiful life
just to work, pick up groceries, eat
I don't believe God created this world,
So big, un- discovered, beautiful
So that we can hunker down
In a concrete subdivision
And let routine slowly tear away
At the *dreams we once had

The amount of love I give to everyone is overwhelming
People who **** me off still receive my love
Because my heart, well it just can't focus
My heart spills out to everyone like water,
I have love for individuals, who doesn't?
But my since my heart is like water, no focus
I'm afraid I'll never be able to focus my love on one person

Eating goldfish when watching movies
When my dad says he's proud of me
When I get reassuring hugs from friends
When I have a laughter filled day
Late night conversations, and cute snapchats
Racing and beating the boys in PE
Looks flashed from down the halls
When we sing and she plays guitar at lunch
Goosebumps from listening to a song
The thought of fall approaching

Nothing in this world compares to the feeling
Of gliding through a Rocky Mountain snowy forest
Powder gliding under the skis, silently
And feeling like you're, for once, at peace

He holds the strings to my every move
Makes have to win, never lose
Those blue ribbons up on my wall,
Weren't worth the work, or the fall
The trophies lined up in a row
Weren't worth the mental blows
The 144 gold medals hanging still
Weren't worth the adrenaline, or thrill
Because he's the puppet master,
He's holding  all of my strings
Gotta win it, be number one
Anything less than the best and I'm shunned

My dad is loving most of the time,
He's been here loving all of my life,
There are just days he gets really mad
And takes it out on me, by yelling

I was proud of myself,
When I shakily took the blade
Away from my wrist
Because I couldn't stand it
If I started cutting again

All day, feeling like ****
Is he ever going to quit,
Faking a laugh
Faking a smile,
For me to be happy?
It might take awhile

It starts with a spark,
Something to set him off,
The most minuscule of problems,
Then starts the cussing,
The yelling and screaming
Next comes my shaking,
Shaking so much my legs are vibrating
Then comes the tears
that run all night,
Then comes the lies:
*Im fine, I'm alright

Putting on the rainbow bandana  
A sense of pride surged through me
But only for a minute,
Then I walked through the halls,
Wondering who knew the real reason
I was wearing those colors

Watching the touching story of a girl coming out to her parents,
Her parents being completely loving and accepting
I realized my parents would have the opposite reaction

The first jump start of adrenaline shot straight thought the heart
Legs jolt with the sound of "go" leaving his mouth
Mind cleared of everything except two thoughts
in through the nose out through the mouth, win it
Legs striding wider and longer, getting more numb with every step
Nostrils flaring with every breath like a racehorse,
Inspirations of horses galloping flash as I push harder,
The thought of the fat burning, calories dissipating
Smile spreads as finish line nears, fat burning
Muscles tensing, tearing, mending, and growing
Mouth agape, forcing in air that pierces dry throats like needles
Vision blurred and hazy, my oxygens gone
That's the best part, when you feel your body shut down
Sweat dripping down my neck, speed up, WIN IT
Racing, running, exercising, competing
Next time I'll push even harder

Sometimes, as I plan out the colleges
Look at the different fields of opportunities,
I wonder if God has a different plan for me
If only I could hear Him tell me what He wants
What does He want me to do?
I have this amazing life in my mind,
But never stopped to think what amazing plan is in His
I want to go to Heaven, run up to God and say smiling,
I did it! I heard you! And I did what You wanted!
And I won't follow Him for the reward in Heaven,
But for the smile on His face when he replies,
**Yes daughter, you heard me.

Today a girl I knew was shot to death
Today another child died of starvation
Today another baby was aborted
Today a girl became anorexic
Today a boy was beaten by his parents
Today a teen took their life
Tomorrow their will be no violence
Tomorrow their will be no more judging
Tomorrow physical appearance doesn't matter
Tomorrow parents accept their children
Tomorrow...
But tomorrow never comes, it'll always be today.

It's funny how when I learned to tumble in gymnastics,
I never thought it would just be my hands and legs doing flips,
Because now you have my heart doing
them

Sometimes I don't think I should write
Because all the feelings I have,
Words can't do them justice to me
Writing is beautiful, truly an art
But when I'm in love, or morose
The words typed in this poem style
Don't come close to what's in my heart

Thunderstorms are an obsession
But, I'm afraid of lightning
I eat too much, but I'm thin?
Grizzly bears are beautiful
Orcas are even better
Drawing is a way to express myself
I'm constantly wishing I could sing
Still crushing on a teacher
I'm having problems seeing my future
What's so wrong with **** dad?
Bob Marley is a role model
New bible, new look on things
Give me all the puppies
Consider myself a hippie,
But not the stereotype
Men and women are both nice
Never had a relationship
I am partly asexual
Competitiveness is a weakness
Loving life, most of the time

Hold my hand
Please someone hold it
That's what I was missing from my childhood,
Somewhere along the way of it,
My parents forgot to hold my hand
Which maybe why I always feel lost,
Feel like I am missing something
Lay next to me
Not to seem, ******
Because that's the exact opposite of what I mean
Because after what I've seem from my dad,
I don't feel comfortable with him next to me
Someone come over, watch a movie,
And lay next to me
Laugh with me
I haven't heard laughter in my home for awhile
Someone come over, just to smile
Let's have pointless conversations
hold my hand

First thing, you are beautiful, You may not realize it,
Because I know I don't feel that way about myself
But so many people agree on how pretty you are
Second, I know you don't feel a reason for living
Well I can promise I don't have all the answers,no one does
But I know that God made a choice when He decided.
He decided you were amazing enough to bring into the world
Whether  you believe it or not, He loves you, and has a plan
Remember, at the end of a storm there is always a rainbow
Third, you are not trash. No one on this earth is
You are a human being made God's Image
And anything created in God's Image is never trash
Fourth, you are one of the most talented people I know
No one else can play any instrument like you can,
Fifth, you may not know the purpose of your life now,
But later maybe you'll figure it out, you can do anything
Because that's the thing with life, you always have a choice
And overall, everyone loves you. I'm serious.
And you may not realize it,
*When you smile, you can see everyone else smile too

What I've learned from my parents
My parents have taught many things,
And this has given me insight
So now I know what to do from the mistakes they've made:
Accept your kid, whatever ****** orientation they may be
Don't act like you know everything,
For all you know your child may be right
Once you make your point, shut up
Don't keep repeating the same thing
Let your kid express them selves,
If they like Bob Marley then let them own Bob Marley apparel
Don't pressure sports and grades to wear they get stress migraines
Don't scream at your child to where they cower in fear when your angry
Let your child know they can always come and talk to you
All of these things I've learned because my parents are the opposite, and have made mistakes that I now see
These mistakes can scar your child

Take my hand and let's just walk together,
Let's just roam the woods,
*And pretend we know what we are searching for

Includes the following:
Getting my scuba license,
Leaving to swimming with sharks
In which I'll trade in my fins for wings
And hanglide through the mountains
Then I'll cut off my wings and fall
Skydiving in the India,
And while I'm in India I might as well
Go on a mission trip and help the poor,
Speaking of helping, I'll go to Africa
And help out at one of the reserves
And experience African wildlife
And if we are talking about wildlife
I'll live in Alaska for a year,
Maybe I'll get some shots of bears
Then maybe somewhere in between all of this I'll squeeze in college

Part of me wants to quit school,
Run away, hitching rides on cargo planes
To foreign countries and experience life
As they do, encounter the wild, natural world
Instead of watching it on animal planet
But then again, you need money for anything,
And it seems like my life has already
Been predetermined, set on a path
I'm vet school and Tulane bound, that's what would make my parents proud
I still have a choice they say,
But that on it's own is daring me to pick the wrong thing
And they'll disprove of me forever

God, help them
Help those in need,
Today I watched, yet again,
My friend give away her lunch
Does anyone else see it?
Another doesn't see the point in life
And is slipping into depression
Another cut herself,
(I know what that is like)
But all these beautiful people
Are hating themselves in ways,
And I know that just me alone,
Telling them they are beautiful
Is not enough to heal them,
Jesus, you healed thousands,
I'm begging You to rest your hand
Upon these people,
And let them know
*They are enough

lets lay under a blanket of stars
and watch the world go by

The girl you saw today
Softly humming a tune
Tapping her fingers upon her desk
Eyes flitting around the room
Crooked yet white smile
With a nose she thinks is too fat
Taking in everything quietly
Wishing she was wearing a hat
Shoulders slightly slumped
From trying to hide the fact
That her feminine chest
Is about as flat as her back
Her hair is short and choppy
She has a tenseness about her
She's uncomfortable with her body
That girl you saw in the hall today
Only wanted to be friends
But being the opposite gender
That puts things to an end
You couldn't be friends with her,
After all she is a she
That girl you saw around today
I can say that was me.

I like the idea of friends snuggling
And holding hands all the time
But anything more and I'm asexual
I've always talked about love
And wanted to kiss, and 'stuff'
Who doesn't?
But I realized if I actually picture it
I freak out. I can't do it.
Maybe it's because I haven't found
Someone I am completely and utterly
Invested in, that might be it.
So until then,
I'll make the bestest of friends

I used to like fishing
It was such a joy to catch a fish
And boy were they good to eat
Fried fish fresh caught
Right outta our bayou!
But today... I got a different look
Today a baby swallowed my hook
The metal device stuck inside
I saw te terror in his eyes
Twitching awfully, worm still attached
Flicking it's fin's, trying to breathe
The gills forced painfully open
Trying to breathe even if it meant
Forcing the hook deeper into an *****
Body occasionally spasming,
While I frantically look for pliars
Pliars to work out the hook
But of course I couldn't find any
I squeezed two finger nails
Into it's dime shaped throat
And pulled on the hook
I couldn't wiggle it out.
So I did the only thing left
I cut the line
It had been 5 minutes
I knew it was too late
The baby fish was limp now,
I still slid him into the water
He floated on his side to the surface
His gills twitched open,
Trying desperately to breathe
Soon the small gill twitches got sparse
And the baby's eyes turned foggy
I sat there, helpless, as I knew
I just took a life away from this world
It was ****** in my eyes,
And all the torture the baby endured
The pain, only to get a slim snack
The deaths for most of the fish,
Are too slow and tortuous..
I do not fish anymore...

He's forgiven all my sins
I'm starting fresh
With a new look on things
And I'll prove to Him
He didn't die for me to just sit quiet

What does it mean to be me (a summary)
Dancing in the halls to a song in my head
Searching for the newest Gorillaz song (because I'm weird)
Searching the internet for hakuna matata sweatshirts
Wanting to read the bible more, but being 'too busy'
Thinking your dog is a human best friend
Thinking of your snowy happy place
Eating the entire fridge,
then complaining about not being healthy
Doing crunches for abs
Drawing lonely girls
Looking up new muscle tees
Every time you put in ear buds,
Pretending your in a music video
Buying an Elton John album
Constantly appreciating clouds
Buying a protest sea world shirt
Adding to my around the world bucket list
Humming a Disney song
Making ****** innuendos
Planning the India Mission Trip
Not giving a crap about my hair
Feeling an emotion we don't have words for
Thinking about how other people think
Day dreaming about saving the day

Why am I still up
It's 12:34 and I'm wide awake
I hate sleeping with silence
Background noise is a must
The box fan will do
Much better
I'm still hot. Great.
rolls over, pauses.. kicks sheet off
Why is this bed so hot?!
Okay situate the pillow
Cough a few more times.
Lay on my back
Look up at the glow in the dark
Hanging solar system
Peek behind window curtains,
Look for signs of rain
Nope. Well that's disappointing.
Close my eyes.
This isn't working,
plays sleepy playlist
Close your eyes
Sing the song in your head
That's better..

I like the cold.
I have an attachment to the cold
Not Louisiana cold.
Colorado cold,
Where the grass isn't just soggy and brown,
But a thick blanket of snow coats the ground
And the smell of mountains
Is prominent everywhere
And even without clouds
There are snowflakes in the air
And when the snow comes down beating
The fireplaces is roaring,
The whole house is heating
And the nearest city is miles far
So in the dark night
I can see every star
Yes I miss winter in the mountains
It's the most magical place
I'll be back again

Somehow today I saw disappointment on your face
And something just snapped inside of me
How does my 4.125 GPA not please you?
How does balancing my honor role with
Being one of the starters on the basket ball team
unsatisfactory
How does going to ******* Tulane for neuroscience
Not good enough.
What about going to state for track WHILE
maintaining mostly A's just okay
I get this feeling you don't appreciate me
As much as you should,
A daughter that her reasoning for striving
To do everything perfectly
Is to please you
Because I feel like I still haven't quite done it yet.

I've seen things that cannot be deleted
My mind replays them when Im too relaxed
So I'm always on edge and secretly jittery
You made me promise not to tell
And told me I was strong
Now there's something I cannot get over
And that is that you were *wrong

I wish I had wings
To take me away
Lessen my burden
Please beg me to stay
Lick my wounds
Soften my heart
Ease my mind
Give me a part
Of something special
That's only mine
Because God knows
I don't own my mind
Give me strength
To just accept
All the secrets
*I have kept

Everyone has something that haunts them
Some have multiple things
Hovering over like a rain cloud
For me?
It's when I walk by the buildings
And see my reflection in the glass
When I grab my iPad
And quickly turn it on so as not to see
The person looking back
I want to have self confidence
But it's hard when my reflection plagues
My mind with the most unkind words

I dreamt of you last night
And thought of you this morning
It's true I like you so
But I'm not ready
I'm afraid I'll never be ready
Maybe one day
My mind will be at ease
And my heart will unlock its doors

That monent when you want to cuddle
But when you reach there's no one there
Because we all have that struggle
To find someone that truly cares
Because if anyone would just jump in
Maybe take a chance
More than a spark would be ignited
To create a soft romance
And that empty hole inside you
Would slowly begin to fill
As you and that person, hand in hand
Repair eachother by will

I miss the warm bed, but cold air
The way the fire popped in the morning
Or hot cocoa in the evening
Or frost on the grass
I miss the sweaters, hoodies, sweatpants
And visible breathe, teeth chattering
Hand holding
Snuggle closer
Hug tighter
Warm and toasty
winter.

Do you ever have that dream
When you kiss that guy?

Yeah me neither...

That feeling when your father wakes you up
Says goodbye because he's going to work
And mentions for you to try harder with your new hair
Because the other day it looked like a boy
I wish I was a boy, but no girl ever wants to her that
Let's be honest.
Im not girly, but everyone wants to feel pretty
And something about the way he said it
Made me feel so... ugly
I cried the rest if the day, because a lot had happened (days before)
And all I'll say about that is I overheard him say
"She's going to drag her sister down by not being popular"
Then something else about my friend group
People always 'say oh don't listen to your parents'
You are beautiful
But how freaking hard do you think it is
To have heard from your own father
That you. being yourself, might hurt your sisters rep
Doesn't that make it feel nice to exist.
When I was in theatre the other day,
And my friend said I was pretty.. I reacted
Because I didn't believe it
Because he caused me to take a second glance in the mirror
And think i am ugly
I used to be so secure and high esteem
But it's hard to have that when your own father
Who you've trusted your whole life say those words
Without caring whether your window of life is smudged or cracked
Or even thinking the words I've heard whispered just behind my ear
When they thought I was asleep, or in another room
I WAS THERE
And I heard what you thought..
I know how you feel...
And I try to block it out and mask it with a smile
But the truth is it is always there.
And I know what you want.
You want the satisfaction of saying your daughter is best in everything
You want the feeling of the starting point guard, straight A's, popularity, and beauty.
Everytime I force myself to pull through it's not so much I want it, but that if I dont get it you are disappointed
And the look on your face causes trembling fingers and puffy eyes for days...
The day you told me stop being a ******* Eartling just so that's would please your hunger for triumph.
To fill in the hole of what maybe you didn't get in your childhood.
All to run down and shatter your daughter
Who now has a brand new issue to face and it's not trophies or medals..
But to think now it's come down to a *reflection in a makeup smudged mirror

Twisted everything is twisted
Is there an emotion for happy yet sad
Joyful and depressed?
Because it took too long to get over you
And the butterflies in my stomach are dancing no more
There's no more fall into me or the way my heart soared
Only a hollow shell, once filled with hope
That faded away like fog in the morning
A fog that made it hard to see that I couldn't have you

It's funny that I don't know who I'm writing these poems about.

Maybe I don't know how to function
And act normal around you anymore
Maybe when I do talk it's awkward
Or sounds like a machine, because
I have to keep myself from letting out
Too much emotion, to where you
Would know

My love is like the sun
Sometimes you may not see it
But is always there