The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
And I hung my head and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
The brightest star of my life,
The light of my day,
The cause of the tingling warmth in my heart.
The only smile I search for in a crowded room,
The only voice I listen to when you’re up on the stage,
The only person I miss when I’m feeling lonely.

I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another
You'll regret it all some day

You make me happy when skies are grey.
When I’m down in the dumps,
When I’m feeling like no one loves me,
When I’m hating myself,
Your arms around me are what I want to feel,
Your smile is what I wish to see,
Your sweet words are what I want to hear.

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me and love another
You have shattered all my dreams

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.
How much I need you,
How much I want you to be here with me,
How much I miss you when you’re away.
I hope you can see what you mean to me,
I hope you know I’ll be here for you like you are for me,
I hope you don’t change your mind.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Please don’t take my sunshine away.
There are many things that would make you leave,
There are many things that could dim your light,
There are many things that could cause a supernova.
Please don’t take my sunshine away,
Please don’t take my sunshine away,
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
Count to sixteen
To simply refresh.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
Count to sixteen, sixteen times in a row
To calm down.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
Count to sixteen, sixteen times in a row, sixteen times a day
To stay sane.

Six is wrong.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14..­.15...16
Six is dangerous.
Don’t interrupt at six.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
I restart everyday.
First one when I wake up.

1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...1­5...16

I am a master at lying
It is an art
I’ve become so good at it
That when I say
I am fine
I almost believe myself

I asked myself to this day
Weather or not I would be the same
If they just stayed together, if they just didn’t split.
I had thought things would get better, that nothing would ever change
But that was wrong
and the longer I care
the more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I wonder to this day
If only they let me watch as he moved away
Instead of sending us to naptime
And let us wake up to change.
Seeing him a reck and her in joy made me feel broken too
And the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I question to this day
If my mom told truth to us or lied to us to get agreement.
She said we were a packaged deal, he’d love us all the same,
Was I just a gullible four year old then
Or was it a truth that changed, I don’t know
But the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I worry to this day
If I’d ever get phased out
If one McKay was an up roar
What would the rest be like?
Only the three of us left and we all feel left so lonely and cold
But the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I still feel the pain, the morn, and the scrutiny to this day
Even after 10 years have past
Anxiety rules me
Making fear overstay its welcome
Making me care
And pushing my head beneath my salty lake of tears.
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.


I noticed to this day
That if I don’t care
I won’t feel the pain, the fear, the insane
The triggers might go away
And why these things won’t just go away, I  really do not know.
I do know that the path I took had a lot of broken trees and dying flowers,
And I know that I’m tired of drowning over and over in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

But I can’t stop caring
so I continue to drown.
I can’t tell you why, simply because I don’t know myself.
But I think the world thinks I’m smiling because I let them,
Not because they don’t want to read the rest of this boring, dusty book,
But because I put a lock on it and hid the key.
So I care, and care
Until I am submerged by my salty lake of tears,
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who I let think I’m smiling

You are the Marshmallow to my Lilipad (How I Met Your Mother’s cutest couple)
You are the Jim to my Pam (The Office’s cutest couple)
You are the Gilbert to my Anne (Anne of Green Gables cutest couple)
You are the Harry to my Ginny (Harry Potter’s cutest couple)
You are the Hans to my Leia (Star Wars’ cutest couple)
You are
mine.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The melody is sweet,
And so are you.

Orchids are white,
Ghost ones are rare,
Cinnamon is brown,
And so is your hair.

Magnolia grows,
With buds like eggs,
The term is long,
And so are your legs.

Sunflowers reach,
Up to the skies,
Waters are calm,
And so are your eyes.

Foxgloves in hedges,
Surround the farms,
Weather is warm,
And so are your arms.

Daisies are pretty,
Daffies have style,
Your relationship is rewarding,
And so is your smile.

A daisy is beautiful,
Just like you.

I’m supposed to be the glue
I’m supposed to stand strong and tall
I’m supposed to be the bridge between them and them
Whether that be you and her
Or him and him
I’m supposed to be the glue
But maybe the only way for glue to last isn’t from the glue stick
Slowly degrading the glue off
Stays for a while but eventually lets the papers pull away
No, it’s the liquid glue that works
But the glue has to be squeezed out of the bottle before it works
Stays for longer than a long time
Maybe I’m not a glue stick, maybe I’m a glue bottle
I have to be taken out of my bottle to work
I have to be gone to work
I have to not be here to work
To keep everyone together and happy
Or to bring them together
I’m willing to bet you’d all be stuck like glue if I went dripping away.

Dear God, it’s me, lonesome
The only friends you give to me
End up leaving shortafter
What did I do?

Dear God, it’s me, anxious
You tell me everything that could go wrong
And tighten my chest, make my breathing unsteady
What did I do?

Dear God, it’s me, depressed
You give me so many good things
But even more to ruin my happiness
What did I do?

Dear God, it’s me, Reagan
I can’t figure out what I did
To make you want to throw the worst my way
Please tell me, what did I do?

My family is so big,
Too big.
I always feel forgotten,
Unneeded,
Unloved.
I think it’s gotten so big,
That I’m not even part of it anymore.

I am here, sitting in the center of the tornado.
Everything moving quickly.
I am here, while noise fills up the room all at once
But nothing said goes unheard to me.

I am here, and everything around seems so happy
While I am here, feeling the weight of the world.
I’m here, while everything seems so bright
Yet I’m still stuck in a deep dark pit.

I am here…
Here I am…
Am I here…?

I’m still waiting
To fall apart
I thought I did a long time ago
But it turns out
I was just cracked
But now I feel like the cracks are splitting open
And at any moment
I could break
Shatter
Crash

I’m still waiting
For everyone to leave
Finally realizing that I’m not worth anything
I’m at the edge of my seat
Because a few
Have already trickled away
And at any moment
I could break
Shatter
Crash

I’m still waiting
Feeling unready
For everything sure to come
And so I sit and think
About the day
That the ‘at any moment’
Becomes a ‘this moment’
And I break
Shatter
Crash

Nothing

Nothing is too hard to explain.
It’s emptiness, but not really.
It’s like the feeling is there,
But the feeling of the feeling has been ****** out?
I know I’m happy when my boyfriend is smiling at me,
Like I’m the only person worth living for,
But I don’t feel happy.
I feel…
Nothing.

Why is my most important feeling Nothing?
And why is it so hard to explain?
This is the worst feeling I’ve ever had,
And it’s unexplainable because it’s Nothing.
I’m not feeling hungry or tired,
Or warm or cold.
I feel…
Nothing.

It’s different every time,
And it doesn’t happen often.
All I know is that I’m set off,
And then when I wake up the next day,
I’m just a big empty void.
Like looking through a camera lense, not actually in the moment.
I feel…
Nothing.

Sometimes it takes a nasty turn.
Like last time.
I was mad at myself for not feeling.
For not crying every night from my emotional pain.
Because he died, and I messed up, and I wasn’t there
So I made myself feel pain, but when I don’t
I feel…
Nothing.

But sometimes it is what it is.
It’s Nothing.
It’s like a break from all the anger, all the pain, all the crappiness I feel.
I just feel empty, like I’m waiting to be turned back on.
I’m stuck on sleep mode, like I’m not on, but I’m not off either.
And everything slowly turns on, everything is updated but still,
I feel…
Nothing.

Sometimes it lasts longer.
More than two months or just a few days.
Taking forever for everything to fully come back.
And I get angry thoughts the longer it lasts,
But when I go to yell out my frustration,
The feeling gets ****** out.
I feel…
Nothing.

Nothing is too hard to explain.
And when your just feeling Nothing, and people keep asking what’s wrong,
You can’t explain it right, because all you’re feeling is Nothing.
So they honestly think nothing is wrong.
And they technically are right,
They just don’t know.
I feel…
Nothing.

I’m feeling…
Nothing.

The rain comes down
In sprinkles
Pit pit pit
Riding my bike down the hill
Feeling the gentle droplets of rain
Smelling the fresh dew scent

The rain comes down
At a decent speed now
Pitter pitter pitter
Hanging my jacket on the rack
Shaking out my wet hair
Smelling the fresh dew scent

The rain comes down
Pouring now
Pitter pat pitter pat pitter pat
Opening the window
Grabbing new book
Smelling the fresh dew scent

The rain comes down
Hard and fast
Pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter
Shutting the window as it gets to wet
Closing a finished book
Wishing for the smell of the fresh dew scent

The rain comes down
Flashes and booms overhead
Pitter patter flash boom pitter patter flash boom pitter patter flash boom
Hiding under the covers
Anxiety making its presence known
Trying to hold on to the smell of the fresh dew scent

Umm...
Undermining
My
Mind
Dot of the unsure
Dot of the lies
Dot of the worry

Not sure whether to raise my hand or not.
I know the answer, but...
Flashing memories
Of all the name calling
Of all the crying
Of all “I’m fine”s
When really I’m not.

Not sure whether to tell the truth or not.
I know what I feel, but…
Flashing memories
Of all the screaming
Of all the hiding
Of all the “I feel good”s
When really I don’t.

Not sure whether to show the pain or not.
I know where the pain is coming from, but…
Flashing memories
Of all the fake worried faces
Of all the anxiety attacks
Of all the “I’m okay”s
When really I’m not.

Umm…
Undermining
My
Mind
Dot of the unsure
Dot of the lies
Dot of the worry

Thousands of hearts are strung on the wall
I grab your hand and jump off the cliff
Taking the Great Fall
Landing in the cool waters below
Submerging us in love

Family
Is amazing
Because
Even through the screaming,
We love.

Ten words isn’t enough to describe you,
I’ve unsuccessfully tried

My hands are shaking violently
I’m not so sure why
But I can’t exactly expect myself to sit still
When my mind is always moving a mile a minute
My body was bound to catch up

Falling in love with you
Is like suicide

...Except…
Different results
…Obviously

Not saying that loving you makes me want to die…
...God...
This is an awful analogy <insert loud eye roll>
But it’s the only one that works

Loving you is like jumping off a cliff
On purpose
Suicide
Except in the end
Instead of the death I would normally want
I end up in love
After the best drop of the century
Falling from the cliff

Fair-Haired Hero
With graceful motions
You are a bird without wings
Dancing in the meadows
With daisy chains
Just as the sun is setting
And the beautiful light
Hits your gorgeous red hair
Making elegant flames dance
You are a Fair-Haired Hero

Fair-Haired Hero
Sweet as candy
Baby little girl
So loved and cherished
What a beautiful girl you’ll grow up to be
Caring and passionate
Welcoming to almost everyone
The hugs you give are told to grow smiles
The kisses you blow said to be magical
You are a Fair-Haired Hero

Fair-Haired Hero
I watch from afar
As you dance and glide
While the sunlight makes your red hair seem aglow
I’m the only one you don’t seem to be welcoming to
It’s me who you always frown at, never hug, and never blow your sweet kisses to
And it hurts my feelings until I see you dancing in  the sunlight
I see your strength and your power
You are my Fair-Haired Hero.

The driveway of my house has potholes and washed up chalk residue.
Markings from bike tires and cars that come and go.
I try and try to get to the car by the curb that’s been parked there since I was born,
But the driveway seems to get longer and longer, and longer.

My house sits at the back end of this driveway.
With traps that visitors can’t seem to find,
And yelling matches that can’t be heard through it’s impervious walls.
And so I run and run and run, never reaching the end of this dumb driveway.

If you ask the people who have or haven't reached their car,
They all have different opinions.
It all depends on the person-- no… the past.
Who’s been seen, who’s been heard, who’s been loved, and who’s been misunderstood.

We may be wrong, or we may be right
But we don’t care
Because all we want to do is reach the gosh **** car at the end of this Rotten driveway
That feels longer every time we trip, fall, or bend to re-tie our porous shoes

I don’t yet understand that these falls and knots that I make now will help me to learn to drive,
So when I reach that car on this idiotic driveway’s curb
I’ll be able to grasp the steering wheel
And drive, away of course.

When I back out of this rundown, beat-up, defeated driveway
I’ll think of the path it took me on.
Maybe all the scratches and bruises I’ll have by the end of this pavement
Will tell me different tales from the perspective of the rocks and cement.

Life seems rough looking back at the torn up house from this ever-stretching driveway,
Because no one remembers the good,
the colorful chalk pictures and the shiny new bikes
And maybe we won’t ever remember unless it’s all behind us and we reach that car on the curb of this
gosh ****, ever-stretching, rundown, beat-up, defeated, dumb, idiotic, Rotten, long, long, long driveway,
But i will always call it home.

Walk up the steps,
          Sit on the stool,
                  Adjust the mic,
                         face the lights,
                               And sing.

Strum the strings,
Hear how your voice rings.
Close your eyes,
And shed your disguise.

Sing about the things you feel,
The things that don’t seem real .
Sway with the song,
And hear the crowd sing along.

Don’t think about stumbling on the words,
Or tripping over the cords.
Hear the melody and hum,
Think about the applause sure to come.

All your problems left when you stepped on the stage,
Now it’s up to you to finish the song, to write another page.
It may seem like hell
But you gotta step out of that shell

Strum the strings,
Hear how your voice rings.
Close your eyes,
And shed your disguise.

I promise that everything’ll be alright,
You’ll win the fight.
The stage fright won’t last long,
So sing your song.

Walk up the steps,
               Sit on the stool,
                          Adjust the mic,
                                  Face the lights,
                                                And sing.

I need a hug from someone who doesn't feel sorry for me.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's any left.

My name is Nerd
My name is Geek
My name is Dork
My name is ******
Because I like geeky things

My name is Show Off
My name is Try Hard
My name is Uptight
My name is Vegan
Because I’m trying to get through life
(And I was eating chicken when you came up with that last one)

My name is Teacher’s Pet
My name is Bookworm
My name is Theater/Show Choir Kid
My name is Little Sister of…
Because you’ve seen me have jet focus in the activities I take part in

I’m starting to think
That you might have forgotten
My real name
Because I hide behind the things I do and am
So just a reminder
My name is Reagan

Building in the workshop, slowly fixing a little girl
who looked up to this extraordinary man who loved her so much
Even without the same bloodline in their veins, she chose him out of seven.
He didn’t seem as though he was disappointed or ashamed of her.
He just loved to see her happy, while building toys and rabbit traps.
Loved seeing her smile as he taught her how to use the saw
and cut through her family’s civil war
And hammer the nails, called bad feelings down into her mood board,
Knock, Knock, Knock, Slam

Sitting on the porch with a not as little girl at his side,
Watching the birds, and the deer, and the grass.
He sees the inner bickering, in the girls head.
She had figured out that she was broken,
She just wanted to be fixed.
He wanted her to know
That walking on old broken glass from the once clear window
Will only cut you more and make you bleed harder.
So he handed her the mood board
And started to read aloud charlotte's web,
As the little taps began.
Knock, Knock, Knock, Slam.

Laying, cold as a corpse in his hospital bed,
She never saw it but it’s was she went through her head
As her mother, one morning, deadpanned that Bob was dead.
My favorite grandparent had died
For months on end, the moderately grownup girl couldn’t get it outta her head,
That she refused to look at him the last time that she could
Because she was afraid that he was empty, that he was different,
That the purely good man was slipping out.
She hadn’t been with him when he finally needed her help.
So she cried when no one was looking and missed so bad.
Broke down in the places she felt the least broken.
She went to her first funeral as the only child there.
Her mood board has one spot left,
She’d been saving for the day that lung cancer won
So she pounded out one more
Knock, Knock, Knock, SLAM.

Band aids
Protected my wounds
After I made those wounds to feel

Band aids
Hid the pain away
After I got too scared of looking at the scars

Band aids
Clotted the blood
After it dripped from my open skin to the tile floor

Band aids
Covered the cuts
After the blade was put away

Band aids
Invisible to the open eye
After I hid them in the scarcely seen places

Band aids
Held me together
After I tried to tear myself apart

I saw all of those empty cigarette boxes in the back of your car.
And I felt disappointment, yes, but that wasn’t all.
I also felt like you were slipping through my fingers.
Like I wasn’t holding on to you tight enough.
Like you were submitting yourself to an endless doom, that one day would end you,
And I just couldn’t stop you.
You were fading with every light up.
You said you stopped, and I believed you.
But then things went wrong.
I wasn’t there to hold on to you.
I wasn’t there to help you calm down.
It took me a while to see them again,
But eventually your hiding tactics failed.
They got flimsy and careless.
And all I can think about now
Is how one day I’ll be looking at the proof.
One day you’ll be lying in hospital bed
Living as lifeless as you’ve always looked.

I'm Tired of Playing Board Games

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing chess,
Always being the pawn.
Defending the King and Queen,
Distracting the other team.
It can be useful when you trade it in,
But when the pawn's taken away,
No one cares, they just keep playing the game.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing Monopoly,
Always in jail,
Just 'cause my luck landed me on the wrong square.
While it's been fun watching everyone rage quit since 2009,
My little thimble can't take one more lap past the go line,
Because it always comes back to me broke, and out of the game.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing Apples to Apple.
Always pull the dead end cards.
People question
My random answers.
I never win, so I watch the other victory dancers.
Someone has five green card, the game is done, I look down and
                       see none

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of playing Operation,
Always buzzed at the slightest mistake.
Yelling at the board, "Why won't this funny bone come out!?"
I try and try but it always ends with a shout.
The board obviously has a short circuit, just not for anyone else.

Life is not a board game, well technically it is,
With the tiny cars and tiny people, all trying to get to retirement.
That's besides the point.
What I'm trying to say is that life isn't a board game,
but sometimes it seems like it works just the same.

I feel like I defend my family and friends, but am always replaced.
I feel like I rolled unlucky dice and landed on Divorced Parents.
I feel like I'm pulling all the bad cards,
Anxiety, depression, self doubt, social problems, and more.
I feel like my car isn't going anywhere.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong,
As I hear a distant buzz of another panic attack coming along.
I'm tired of playing these board games.

Life is not a board game,
It is, but that's not my point.
Life isn't a board game,
But it will keep feeling that way
As long as I keep thinking this way.

I need to find a happy hope.
Past not being my parents.
Past not breaking down every night.
Past jumping through a portal to wield a light saber,
                 Rather than squeeze my empty fists from anxiety.
Past going to Hogwarts by train.
This happy hope might sound insane,
but I think I just want to make this a good game.

I don’t actually know what I am typing
This is going to be like one of those sentences that you start
But don’t know where it’s going so you just keep talking

I am happy
Happier than I have been in so long
For a really long time
I thought God was against me
I didn’t know if I should put my faith in him or not
It’s actually called agnosticism
But I felt as if I had done something really bad when I was young
Because God kept throwing punches
And then he gave me some happy back
But then he took it away
And then he gave it back

I don’t know
It’s confuzzling
Yes i just used that word
I’m one of those people
I use fantabulous as an actual adjective
And I add -ly to any verb to make it an adjective
Yes, in case you were wondering
I’m pretty sure I’m crazy
But besides the point
I am happy

I’m not sure if anyone is reading this far in
This is pretty long anyway
And basically I’m just ranting

I have some major mental problems
If y’all have read any of my other poems you would know that there are a lot of things that ripped my heart out
And yes, I am also one of those people that uses the word y’all
I have anxiety, worried about everything and I get anxiety attacks at a good chunk of the football games I go to
I have depression, or some sort of mood swingy thing goin’ on there
I don’t really know
I’m just really sad all the time
There’s a lot more, but those are the most demanding of them all
It kinda makes life unbearable
But I live

Oh, oh, oh!
I just came up with what to call this piece
The Dumpster Fire Rant
Yeah
That’s my mom’s favorite saying
Or at least a close second to ‘do you want to be sent to live with your dad’
But the point is
I don’t know what the heck in huckleberry heck I’m talking about
Again, yes, I am that kind of person to say that
I’m basically just ranting here
Ranting about my major dumpster fire of a comedic life
And no one has probably even reached this far in the poem
Because it’s too long
And it’s basically me being a major dork
But I don’t care

I get made fun of quite a bit
I’m a nerd
And I’m considered smart, even though I’m pretty stupid in my opinion
I sing
To be exact, I sing and dance
At the same time
It’s called show choir
And no I’m not queer in any way, shape, or form
...well…
Nope.
That’s not a question I feel like talking about
If I answer what I am
I get scared and run in the opposite direction
Even if it’s something I can’t change
So I rather not think about the possibilities
I am the girl who stands in front of the mirror each day
And decides I am pretty
Only to be told by everyone
Including my family and closest friends
That I am ugly
Even if they don’t say it directly
They make the slightest comment
And I feel like I was shot

I am also the girl who reads at lunch while listening to Frank Turner
The artist who no one I know knows
I am the one who says the darndest things
Like fudge buckets, or shiitake mushrooms on a swiss burger on a Wednesday afternoon
And I say croutons like crouwtons, and tells autocorrect to shove off when it tells me that’s wrong
I am the one who eats mac and cheese with ketchup and ranch
And I am the one who drinks orange juice with my spaghetti
I get it
I am weird
And I am a target
And I practically am asking for it
But I can’t explain it
That’s just the way I am

I am pretty fricken sure that no one is still reading this

Sometimes
I just need a good rant
And I only know you virtually
So you are my therapist
Except with less awkward silence and the weird fact that you’re being evaluated by another person
And can practically see their thoughts behind their eyes
Or is that just me?
Anyway
You didn’t have to say anything
Or even read the whole thing
Or any of it at all
But it’s out there
My rant is out there
My dumpster fire is burning bright
And it is out there
So thank you virtual therapists who I don’t know and probably haven’t even read this far in.
Thank you.

I love looking at your profile
Your jaw
Your eyes
You hair
And I’m stuck in a trance
Of observing your cuteness
While biting my lip
From hesitation
Fighting the urge to kiss you
Until you look over
Noticing that I’m watching
And smile
...It makes it even better.

The phone goes round and round.
What could this all mean?
And at two o’clock in the morning, really what could dad need right now?
One by one, I see the faces drop.
And the phone goes round and round.

Why won’t they let me talk to him next?
Why won’t they just tell me what’s going on so I can go back to bed?
Why are they all looking at me like that, with fear and worry behind glazed eyes?
Why will no one answer my questions?
And the phone goes round and round.

Oh dear god, just one person away.
I have my guesses as to what this is.
I’m crying already and the phone hasn’t even come to me yet.
The list of people who I think might be it.
Who might be gone.
And the phone passes to me.

Hello?
‘Cancer’
And just like that my life was flipped.
The world fades,
As I pass out from crying too hard.
And the phone goes round and round.

It was worse for me,
Watching someone die is loads worse than them just being dead.
You see them suffer and you see their pain.
It becomes so hard to look,
Because you become too scared to see the death.
And I remember the phone going round and round.

How could it be him?
So strong, so brave, so gallant,
Struck down by cancer.
The one person that never ran through my head,
When I listed people who I expected died.
That awful phone went round and round.

When my time came, a month later,
I had so much to say,
Just in case I never saw him again.
I love you, you’re doing great, keep fighting…
Please.
That awful phone went round and round.
The problem was that I never said anything.
It was too hard to see the pain you were trying to hide,
But I saw it, and couldn’t see past,
So when it was time to leave, I said my love,
Banking on the fact that he’d be there for Christmas.
That awful phone went round and round.

Six months later, the phone came out again.
And my tears fell, last again to get the phone.
I’ll never see him again.
It’s hard to remember that he’s not in pain anymore,
When you see that awful phone going round and round.

I heard you said that I was pretty,
But it was obviously a mistake.
How could a guy like you
Have feelings for me?
I'm not cool or good looking.
Not funny or slimming.
Nor am I formal,
Half the time I'm just trying to be normal.

I get the feeling that you're proud of me,
Are you wrong, too?
I'm not as smart as the smartest kids,
But not as average as the averages.
No one ever notices me try and do something,
So how'd you figure that you noticed my nothings?
'Cause last time I checked, I was a bore.
When I talked to you, you walked toward the door.

I see that you are smiling at me,
Those white pearls showing.
That doesn't make much sense to me
Because no one likes me the way I am.
I've had fake friends before,
But this seems real as well as odd.
I'm too closed up and definitely too weird.
Too different for anyone as normal as you with all your previous nasty sneers.

This is weird,
It just isn't right.
No one can love me,
At least not the way I am.
I just wish I could see what is fake and what is real,
Because now I don't know how to feel.

You liking me,
That's just not right,
It doesn't make sense,
And it makes me confused.

That's just not right

I am not you
I refuse to be
Which in the end is giving you what you want

Because you expect me to be a mess up like you
I refuse to be
And so I’m not
Which you wanted me not to be
So there you go

Because you expect me to be just like my other parent
I refuse to be
And so I’m not
Which you both are happy about
So there you go

Because you expect me to fail just like the my prior siblings
I refuse to
And so I don’t
Which you wanted me not to do
So there you go

And I know I’m playing right into your hands
It soothes my mind to know
That I am not what you expect of me
Even if it leaves me in tears
Just to prove you wrong
I
   Refuse
     To be
   What you
    Say I am

Stop!
They don’t really like you.
They are only being nice because of who your family is.
They’re using you.
You’re not good enough to have real friends.
How could you possibly think you were good enough?
You’re too weird.
One day when your family doesn’t matter they’ll drop you with a snap of their fingers,
Just.
Like.
That.

Hold on!
Your mom doesn’t love you.
She has every reason not to.
You’re your father’s kid, girl,
Just having the same genes as him could probably get you kicked out.
You ***** up to much, such a disappointment.
She has plenty of kids, you and your brothers aren’t needed to make this family work.
She has a handpicked child, and two more that are perfect,
Red hair, taller, bigger, better, and simply not a McKay.

Wait just a second!
He doesn’t actually think you’re pretty.
You know you’re ugly and the glasses make it worse.
He is tricking you.
No one will ever truly like you.
You’re not pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough.
Face it, you are just one big fat fraud.
And even if someone actually did like you,
They would change their mind quickly because you’re messed up.

I hope you know, everything is your fault!
God gave up on you, that’s why I tell you not to pray, you are beyond repair.
Your parents’ divorce, not having friends, not being pretty, me, it’s all your fault.
I’m in here screaming at the top of my lungs, diverting your attention, because of you.
And I will never leave, in fact, as you grow up, day by day I’ll add.
Self-doubt, Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness.
And they won’t leave either.
We will always be here, reminding you that you’re a failure, and won’t ever be enough.
...Until you stop trying...

From twelve o’clock this morning
I’ve had the worst of days
I laid in bed thinking
Staring at the ceiling
Thinking about how my eyes weren’t heavy yet
My body was not tired
And all I felt was sick

By one o’clock I threw up twice
But I’m almost certain
I am not sick
All I could do was think
All I could do was think
In circles and loops and swerves

By two o’clock
I was crying
I just wanted to fall asleep
I wanted to be tired again
Feel the sleep press on my eyes
But somehow my body’s signals for homeostasis
Got broken
They aren’t working quite right at the moment

By three o’clock sleep finally came
Finally, finally, finally came
I dreamed of random things
Things that I did not like
Things that made me miss the old me
Naive me
Happy me

By four o’clock I woke up again
And everything was wrong
I walked to the bathroom
Stood facing the mirror to see tears streaking down to my chin
And everything was wrong
My hair
My eyes
Arms and legs
And I saw the outfit
I picked out yesterday
So pretty and comfortable
But right then
It was wrong
I hated it
I hated everything
I hated myself
And everything I stood for
I picked out something else
Something that didn’t make me feel
So… mad
And I parted my hair different
Because the way it was
Was awful
And I hated it
So I changed
I was so mad

By five o’clock
I realized
That sleep was
As good as a dream
So I sat staring
More staring
At nothing but shaded ceiling

By six o’clock I had thirty minutes left
The seconds felt like infinities

By seven I forced myself to get out of bed
Trying to make it a better day
But I still hated everything and to make matters worse
I had to figure out a way
To smile through the day
It was rough

And I’m still waiting for it to get better.

Nothing is wrong,
But nothing is right.
Nothing hurts,
But sometimes that hurts.
My eyes can’t cry,
But they’re still filled.
My screams can’t get out,
But they’re still there.
I’m running,
But I’m running on empty
And when you’re running on empty
You don’t get anywhere.

I’m slowing down again
In the time of blooming flowers
Or dying leaves
Thoughts are slowing down again
Only a few get in
And of those many few
Most of them are dead

Don't tell me I'm like them
When you don't know what that means
Don't say I'm disappointing you
When you don't know the you disappoint me
Don't argue that I need to shape up
When you don't know how I'd want to shape up
Don't hit me with your words
If you don't know how they will land

I know you want to seem unbreakable
And strong
And impassive
But I know that you’re hurting

My arms are open
Big brother
And I know you won’t accept it now
But they’ll be open whenever you need it

If she had the audacity
To break it off with you
Over the fact that you weren’t coming over
Because the roads were too icy
Than she obviously wasn’t good for you

You can’t honestly think that she was the one
When she was always getting mad
At the tiniest things

She doesn’t deserve you
I know that you thought
That she was the brightest light in a dark room
But nobody is perfect

So don’t beat yourself up
Too hard over this
Because trust me
It’s not worth it

If you ever need a hug
I’m here
Big brother

It’s weird to think that one moment you were here
And the next your not
I could always count on the fact that you were alive
Somewhere out there in the world
Even if I rarely saw you
And now you’re not
And I’m stretching any happiness that I have
To last longer than a few seconds
So there won’t be a lot of worry
But it’s getting harder
And my smile and laughter
Are getting thinner
I just want to be happy
But now I know that you’re not on this earth
So that’s pretty impossible.

I think I might be insane
That, or I just need a new brain
‘Cause the screaming won’t stop
And it keeps getting louder
I can rarely hush them
And I’m not sure when the screaming from my family
Started screaming in my head
But now there’s only screaming
Everywhere I turn
And I’m not sure if it’s just my brain
But I’m pretty sure I’ve gone insane

I read this sentence like I’m shouting from the rooftops
I LOVE YOU!
I read this sentence like I’m whispering in your ear
I love you
I read this sentence like I’m missing you five minutes before you leave
I love you
I read this sentence like you’re the only one that makes me happy
I love you
I read this sentence like I need you to hear it
I love you
I read this sentence like it’s only meant for you
…because it is...
I love you

You tell me I’m not depressed
I’m just resisting happiness

I dream of singing a love song with you
Good old duet style
You could pick the song
I don’t care
Just as long as it’s with you.

I could be okay by now
If I asked you to help me
Out of the grave
That I’ve been placed in
But I was taught differently

If only you let me hold your hand
And cry on your shoulder at least every once in a while
Because now when people yell at me
To grab onto something on the way down
And all I see is your hand
I can’t  grab it
Because you always told me not to

If only you let me hold your hand, mom

343440000 seconds on this earth
Seems like  enough time to figure your life out
But here I am
Still lost

Screaming.
From the bedroom four doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my dad, as he leaves.

Screaming.
From the bedroom three doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my oldest brother, as he leaves.

Screaming.
From the bedroom two doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my next brother, as he leaves

Screaming?
No, the next door is passed.
Nothing is wrong.
Targets aren’t painted for the adopted.

Knock, knock.
The door.

What a great day to be a McKay.