I look in the mirror everyday
And say
'You are beautiful and amazing in every way'
To keep your mean thoughts at bay

And then I get to school, just like every other kid on the shelf
And I forget what I had already told myself

I see you
Hear you
Say I am not worth living space
And I smile
Because everyone thinks I don’t care
But inside
You ripped a hole

One day
I’ll look in the mirror
After hearing you yet again
And write on the glass
'Here’s your space back'
And put on the tight necklace
Hanging from the ceiling
Watching the light leave my eyes
Because I stopped trying to keep your mean thoughts at bay

Why does anything matter?
Correction:
Why does everything matter?
Because I am still confused by this.
I shouldn’t have to care this much
I shouldn’t care at all
But somehow my brain
Is flying on autopilot
And I don’t know who turned it on.
But everything matters
Not one thing I did today
Didn’t feel the scrutiny of my thoughts
And I was left to cry about it
In the bathroom stall…

Why does everything matter?

I have carved into my skin
Like prisoners carve the tally marks of their days left in jail
We’re all counting down to something, just in different ways

It changes quite often
Her opinion
And I sit through every story
That made her choose this one
All the things that were different than the last
Like ice cream
Or cupcakes
The favorite changes quite often
I think my sister is boy crazed

I AM A MAJOR NERD
I can’t help it
I’m sorry
I just find that fantasy is better than reality
So any chance that I get to pretend for a moment that I’m in a better world
Through conversation
Or reading
Or debating
Or writing
I am going to take it
Because this world is too much

Puke
Every other Saturday
When you go the entire week,
Sometimes even two,
Without eating an actual meal
And then you go to a place
Where someone is actually paying attention to it
And you don’t want them to be worried
So you eat
More than you want to
You puke
Not on purpose
But it still happens
And I’m not worried
But others are
They pretend they are
They try to get me to eat
But their effort isn’t there
They’re just trying to show that they’re worried,
Even though they’re not,
Just for reputation
But my dad is actually worried
And I don’t understand why
He doesn’t care about anything
And no one else really cares about this
So why is he worried
I’m fine
It’s not that big of a deal
I just don’t eat when I’m not hungry
I don’t need a chart
You don’t need to shove food down my throat
Really it’s fine
And I do eat
Snacks
And other small portions
To keep me fine
I know how to stay fine
You don’t have to worry
Every time I puke

You’d think I’d be okay by now
But I’m still feeling broken
I feel like I’m the porcelain doll
That the creator just can’t repair

I am sorry
I really am
I’m sorry for you having to deal with me
I listen to sad music
And am always thinking
I feel like a hundred voices are always screaming in my head
And you are always there to get me smiling
To help me ignore the voices
And to get me out of my head
Thank you for sticking with me
I’m kind of a handful, I know
But I feel like I’m okay when I’m with you

You know you’re a nerd
When you have your arms wrapped around his neck
And his mouth just inches away
Staring into each other’s eyes
And he says
‘I love you’
And you reply
With the best love quote
Known to nerd-kind
‘I know’

I'm ready to say goodbye
They want me to forgive you
Or forget you
Maybe just to stop holding on
But I can't
Because even when it wasn't returned
     And it almost never was
I loved you
Over and over and over again
You hurt me
And I couldn't forgive you
     No point in wasting time
And I couldn't forget you
     You were my everything, how could I forget that?
And I couldn't stop holding on
     Because I wanted to believe you'd get better
I couldn't let go
And you never get better
So I'm ready to say goodbye
I'll remember you
I'll love you
I'll hope for you
But I'm never getting close again

Last time I cried
My chest tightened so much
That my breathing
Was off
Or more accurately
Air would not come
And I was shaking
I was sitting in my dark room
Crying silently
While shaking violently
And I couldn’t breathe
My heart was racing
And my mind pacing
Running through thoughts
Of death and failure

I don’t understand how I descend so quick.

You say LOL
After I sent TGIF.
But really?
Should I laugh?
This week has been awful.
I feel the weight of the world.
Stuck in my own head.
I’m soaking wet from being drenched in my thoughts.
I want to go home.
SOL.
Not to the home that I hate.
To my dad’s house
Where I can forget for a moment,
That life’s not all that GR8.

December twelfth
Is coming up fast
And I don’t think I’m ready

I can’t believe it’s been this long
Two full years
Without you

I can already tell
My mood will drop down
Because of the way things have been here of late

Every spare second of thoughts I have
That aren’t going toward loving my boyfriend or studying or hating myself
I’m thinking of you

I miss you
So much, you have no clue
And I’m tired of having Christmas without you

In seconds
I go from
Happy
To okay
To sad

I want the pain, not the scars

I am that crazy person that you saw drive past your street seven times in the past ten minutes
I don’t know where I’m going
Not in the car
Not in my future
It’s like no one put up street signs
And I end up crashing into a light post
Or fire hydrant
Or literally anything straight ahead of my vehicle
And then you see me start to completely lose it
Tears streaming down my eyes
Because of course this had to happen
And specifically to me
And everything is going wrong
So of course I ran in to the seven year old’s dog
Right in front of her
On her birthday
With all her little friends watching
Just after I got off the phone with my mom
Who said my grandma was dying
And also after a morning
That was impossible for me to get out of bed
I was that sad
And I was on my way to who knows where
To do who knows what
That would probably make my depression and anxiety even worse
Of course this had to happen
I don’t know where I am going anymore
I thought I did
But I don’t
It’s basically like I don’t even have a license to drive my own life
So how am I supposed to get there?

My thoughts are… painful
They make me feel like I am hopelessly lost
And always will be
They make me feel like I have something good
But it’ll disappear so soon
They make me feel like I will only ever be a disappointment
And I suffer every day

My thoughts keep me up at night
Regretting everything I did that day
Feel a burst of anger
And take my breath away
Tightening my chest
And letting the black consume my sight

My thoughts make me feel so alone at the same time as crowded
Screaming voices in my head
All telling me I’d be better off dead
Yet also deafening silence, hearing the one thing whispered clear
Broken, broken, broken

My thoughts…
Oh beauty they might be
But treacherous too
As they stretch me thin
And claw me apart

My dear thoughts and me.

I don’t do dances
The frilly dresses
Crowded room
And awkward dancing
But I’m willing to make the exception
For you
So long as you’re there
With me.

You and Me
Me and You
Infinitely
Universally

Knight in shining armor
Riding on your gallant horse
Roses in your hand
You rode up with your sword in hand
Ready to slay a dragon
And hang the moon
All just for me

You’re probably the best knight to have come round so far

I was there
all the concerts
all the plays
all the performances
all of it
I even went so far as to follow your footsteps
Because I enjoyed what you did up on the stage
You don't bother to come
I quit
And now you decide that you have the time, the money, the means
To come to the things I always wanted you to see me do

I guess that when it comes to showing your support
You can only show up for people you don't even know
And break your baby sister's heart

Somehow, this dress makes me feel pretty
This hair makes me feel pretty
This makeup makes me feel pretty.
I think it’s just the situation for which I like it
Because every ordinary day
I would hate all of this
I don’t wear dresses because they make me feel uncomfortable
I don’t do my hair all fancy because it seems so pointless
I don’t use makeup because it makes me feel like I’m hiding
I don’t understand why a bunch of girls prefer this everyday
Because on the few special occasions
It makes it feel like it’s worth my time.

There are days that I look at my favorite blank wall
And i start to whisper-yell
(I’m screaming on the inside,
But I whisper-yell)
I say all the things I was going to say today
(Should have said,)
All the things that I could have mentioned ****** me off
But didn’t, today
And I whisper-yell all the things that I want to say tomorrow
(Should say tomorrow)
But won’t say tomorrow
It’s easier to tell this blank wall what I’m mad about
Rather than lose friends over my temper
That is rising from their stupidity
That they don’t know exists

Just breathe,
You don’t cry in front of people,
You know that.
It’s not that bad

Why are they all so mad…
You don’t get why they’re so mean
You get that he ******* up
You get that, trust me
But when you forgave him
You expected them to do so too
But they didn’t
And to make matters worse
They’re mad at you for being forgiving

And it’s not even up to them, **** it
So why should you care
Crying isn’t necessary
And you’re fine
Nothing is really wrong
Your suppose to be friends are just
Being jerks to you and him
Nothing is wrong
You're fine

Just breathe
You don’t cry in front of people
You know that.
And you’re not going to today

I’ve said it once
And I’ll say it again
I don’t like people
And I don’t like inserting myself into conversations
And I don’t like being expected to add my opinions
And when I’m already having a bad day
On the edge of tears
I don’t want to have to do any of this
But you make me
And I deal with it somehow
Just barely making it without crying
I don’t like being part of the loop
Socratic Circles ****

I tried therapy
Back when I didn’t think I needed it
My family split.
So my mom brought me in
But I didn’t have anything to say
I wasn’t sad yet
And I didn’t feel as if the whole world was against me yet
But now I’m reconsidering

A line of 100 little girls on the shore
All have a heart that’s torn
Fighting their own civil war
But don’t know what their standing for

Some are fighting for affection
Maybe a few stand for perfection
A load trying to make corrections
One or two just hate their inner reflection

A line of 100 little girls all cry and bawl
All cut from the same shawl
Broken pieces of the same doll
Bricks from the same wall

Some are tattered
Maybe a few are shattered
A load feeling splattered
One or two are completely battered

A line of 100 little girls all broken
Feeling chosen
Until their hearts feel stolen
Crashing from the same moment.

Some are there because they were bad
Maybe a few are there because they were sad
A load that felt mad
One or two felt glad

A line of 100 little girls with stones above their head
They’re all dead
They’ve gone to bed
More to come, just hanging by a thread

Some couldn’t hold on
Maybe a few just wanted to be gone
A load that didn’t want to see another dawn
One or two were just withdrawn

A line of 100 little girls’ graves
Stuck in my heart’s darkest caves
Chaining my limbs like slaves
Let me drown in the crashing waves.

I’ve known Belle Fourche.
I’ve known a river with a fork in its route and
old style throughout the town.
Upset into tranquil flickering on and off like a light switch.
I ride the horses as far as I can
when yet another fight breaks out.
I do ranch chores and water gun fights.
I looked through the brush to find the old hide out broken from the wind.
I hear wheat and alfalfa russell
when the wild kittens run from Scotchy.
I’ve known Beautiful Fork,
Its streets full of old gossip as people come and go.
I know its old problems and stories, but can’t make my own.

There is a difference
Between distance
And being alone

Distance is taking me farther away
Taking me on journeys to find new treasure each day
That will maybe make me happy again

I don’t have to travel to be alone
And each day I find that the loneliness has grown
It’s not something I need to go searching for

Distance is an excuse
So your worry and my pain can make a truce
And to keep me farther from the things that might actually help

Being alone is a problem
Keeping my emotions solemn
Even as people are holding my hand as we walk this path

Distance has long car rides
And self hating tour guides
And things to distract me from homesickness

Distance is melodious
It allows me to run from the loneliness
...Only to find more alone

Trust me when I say, there’s a difference
Between distance
And being alone

It is midnight
And I am wide awake
I fell asleep for half an hour
But then woke up

I don’t know if it’s from the three bottles of Pepsi
The bag of Muddy Buddies
Or peanut butter Snickers
But I feel alive
More alive than I feel in the daylight

I don’t know if it’s from sheer joy
Of feeling loved,
And loving towards my amazing and perfect boyfriend
Or the feeling of belonging
But I feel alive
More alive than I feel in the daylight

My window shade is open
And I’m staring at the stars
Glimmering, shimmering, twinkling stars
And I feel happy
I feel alive
More alive than I feel in the daylight

Because I’m awake at midnight.

There is something I want to get off my chest
But I can’t
Because if I admit that it is affecting me
I’ll stop holding strong
I’m not hurting
It’s just on my mind
And I’m worried that if I start to talk about it
I’ll start to feel hurt
And so I’d like to save myself from feeling more sad
But keeping it inside is equally painful

I want to cry on your shoulder
Because you are the one person
I know would be okay with me crying
I grew up from a young age
Told that I’m not supposed to cry
I think my mom just meant
I was crying over something stupid
But this sentence came up
Time and time again
So I figure it to mean
That I’m not allowed to cry
And around my friends
I rarely cry
Because they expect me to be stone
They expect me to always be okay for them
And I don’t like it when I cry to myself
Because I feel tired of being a pity party
So the only option I have left
Is say I am tired
Because if I yawn enough
And pretend that my water filled eyes
Are just heavy from lack of sleep
I might forget that I want to cry
Because I can’t cry anymore
So you ask me if I’m okay
I tend to reply
‘Yeah, just tired’

I feel a great guilt
When I think to myself
She is the worst.
I know deep down, she does love me
At least more than she should
I’m the one who tells her she’s not being fair
I’m the one who says she’s the worst
For loving all of her kids, except me
For giving more attention to the others
For wrecking my whole life
So many times over
Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t see me anymore
Like she doesn’t think I’m as smart as everyone tells me I am
So I deny their complements, because if she can’t see it, then it’s not there
And then I complain
I focus on all the things she does that make me feel so sad inside
I can’t see that she’s trying to help me
Out of worry
I take note that she never says I love you just because
It’s only when she thinks I need it, or when she knows I’m upset with her
I see that all she wants is to be liked
But really she’s trying to be there for me when I need it
I feel a great guilt
When I think to myself
She is the worst.
But she’s trying
And she does love me
More than she should
Because in all honesty
I am the worst
Please forgive my guilt.

I laughed so hard that I cried
Or maybe
I laughed
And I cried
Tears of joy
Because I hadn’t heard
My real laugh
In such a long time
So tears stream down my cheeks
And cling to my chin
As I try to catch my breath
Down on my knees
As you all surround me
Making playful fun
And the laughing doesn’t stop
And I choke on the air that’s not coming
I haven’t laughed in so long
That I think I’ve forgotten
How to do it without
Killing myself
From lack of air
I laughed so hard that I cried

Sometimes I feel
Like I am a background character
In my own story

I sit and watch my friends’ lives unravel
Like a movie
Taking everything in all at once
I observe
And think of what I could say right about now
But when I go to say what is on my mind
I suddenly get a feeling of shyness

It’s easier to be the background character
It’s easier to forget the plot of your own life
When everything is revolving around everyone else
And it’s nice to see everyone’s smile
When I remember their favorite things
Or their birthdays
Because I spent more time observing them
Than speaking my opinion

I am from
Harry, Ron and Hermione
And Cather and Levi
From Frodo, Gandalf, and Gollum.

I am from my dad’s quirky jokes,
And him laughing at me when I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

I am from Star Wars
And old 90s movies like Empire Records and Dazed and Confused
From my mom’s awful teary movies
And my favorites like Harry Potter and Strawberry Shortcake movies.

I am from John Denver, Johnny Cash, and Frank Turner.
And singing with my sister as we jumped on our beds.
I am from my dad’s record player
And my mother’s rapping with her car dance moves on road trips.

I am from scratches from the cat
That my dad found in his car.
From the dog who snuck in my room
to disassemble my book covers and sneaking back to my brother.

But I am also from yelling from the bedroom
And holes in the walls from my dads strong arms
From nap time while my dad moved out
And only seeing him 10 days a month
And then down to only 4

I am from moving
Brookings to Sioux Falls and repeat and repeat and repeat
From my Dad’s Divorce Trailer
And my mom moving us around every 2 to 5 years.

I am from never having a best friend for more than 3 years
And always trying “too hard” at school.
From sitting in the library while I wait for recess to end.
And befriending the person that people thought was annoying when no one else would.

I am from fear
Of my mother’s punishments or my stepdad’s wrath
From being asked if I’d rather live with my dad if I like it there so much
And from being a failure that only gets disappointment from their mom
But, hey, at least she’d be giving me some attention.

I am from my father’s anxiety that was passed down to me.
And my mother’s “Irish” temper, as she calls it.
From my grandma’s passive attitude, pushing things deep down,
Until I blow up like a volcano, but the ammo doesn’t leave.

I am quite glad that this is what I am from.
I wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t fall into books when I wanted to leave but couldn’t.
I wouldn’t be me without the bitter fights and split either.
These things that I am from might seem little or seem overwhelming, but I assure you,
Without all the pieces of this puzzle, you wouldn’t be able to see this stellar picture,
I would not be the me that you all think you can perfectly see.

I am aware
That you hate it when I put myself down
But it’s the only logistical way for me to live

Think about it
If you find all your flaws first
It will hurt less for people to point them out

So yes, I think I am awful at acting
Even though I was cast in the play
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

And yes, I think I’m awful at singing
Even though I’m on our show choir team
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

Yes, I think I’m awful at singing
Even though you think I sing like a nightingale
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

Here’s the thing though
I find it easier to put myself down
Than listen to everyone else telling me my flaws

And you might not like it
But sometimes, it’s the only thing keeping me out of my head
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

I am aware
That you hate it when I put myself down
But it’s the only logistical way for me to live

I hurt
Every time you tell me to smile
Because you act as if it’s just so easy

Easier said than done

I sink
Every time you tell me to be happy
Because you act as if I have nothing to be sad about

Easier said than done

I drown
Every time you tell me to think positive
Because you act as if positive will make the bad stuff disappear

Easier said than done

I break
Every time you tell me to cheer up
Because you act as if I should be happy for everyone else’s sake

Easier said than done

I know you feel uncomfortable
Every time I let my fake smile falter
And every time I don’t seem happy
Or every time I can’t think positively
And every time I tint the happy mood

You’re so used to me faking it
That you thought it was real
And when I finally let my mask drop
Because it’s just too much work at the moment
You think telling me to be happy will help
You want me to stop making you uncomfortable
But sometimes it’s just
Easier said than done

‘Let go of the little distractions,
hold close to the ones that you love,
because we won’t all be here this time next year,
so while you can, take a picture of us.’

-Frank Turner

When I look at this picture right now
I see all my friends
Enjoying some Dairy Queen ice cream
Our eyes are alive
Our smiles are bright
And laughter can be heard through the frame
I remember not wanting to go
I never hang out with my friends
At least not outside school hours
And that night had been rough
And disappointing
But now I thank my mom for forcing me to be social
For one night of my life
Because that was one of the best nights of my childhood

When I look at this picture
Fifty years from now
I will see all my friends
Enjoying some Dairy Queen ice cream
Our eyes are alive
Our smiles are bright
And laughter can be heard through the frame
And I will miss all the friends
Who have left
And who I lost touch with years before
And I will wish to see those eyes in person
To see those smiles shine in my direction
To hear the real laugh escape from their lips
This picture will mean the world to me

I’m a little queasy right now
As I avoid looking at the needle
And when it penetrates my skin
The direct pain last one second
But the mental war has been going for days
In anticipation
And the sting is still there
And the smell of disinfectant is stuck in my nose.
And as long as the queasiness lasts
The possibilities stand
Of fainting
With seizures
Or throwing up
Or the head splitting migraines
So I lie down
Waiting
Waiting for the queasiness to go
For the headache to leave
And the possibilities to fade
It’s hard to remember that it’s for good
Helping the future me
When my arm is numb
Feeling like I’m growing faint

I love it when
In the middle of your chorus class
You break down crying
Because today is the day you pick songs for comps
And you knew it was coming
And you sit back
Debating whether or not you should go for it
Pick a solo

And while you're there debating this,
You slowly realize
That you're not good at singing
You'd fail so easily
You're so bad at it
And you don't deserve a solo
And you'd literally break if you failed
And so you shouldn't
You just shouldn't go for it
Even though this--singing--is one of the biggest, most important things to you
You sing every day and music is practically your life
But you don't believe in yourself
So yeah, you just shouldn't go for this moment

And you hadn't even started crying yet
You are just slowly getting there
Slowly realizing that you **** at this
You don't believe in yourself
But you hadn't started crying
Just on the edge
Of tears

But you do start crying because the last thing you wanted to do
Was talk about how you don't believe in yourself
And then your friends come over and sit next to you
And you can tell that they're expecting you to say something
Tell then why you look like you're about to cry
And then you do--- cry.
And you don't want to explain why

So you just sit there waiting for the last five minutes
Before you get to go home early
Crying
Shaking your head no, and crying
Because the one thing you want to be good at
The one thing you work so hard for
You don't believe in yourself for

This was my secret
Not yours to tell
This is the whole reason
I didn’t plan to tell you until later
I wanted to tell brother before you
But somehow it came up in conversation
And now you think
You have the authority to tell whoever you want
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
But now you have
And you are acting like
Super Pride Sister
Because of my secret
This is so like you
To make everything about you
For your reputation
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
And I wasn’t planning on telling you
Because I’m not even sure if I approve of it myself
How is it fair
That my secret
Is about you
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell

I’m feeling an absolute fear
I feel a tightness in my chest that won’t go away
And my heart feels like it’s choking
This is the fear that makes me feel like I’m just an ant
Anyone and anything could simply just step on me
Thinking is what this fear is
I can’t have even a split second of time to reflect on myself
To see how I feel
Because I don’t have a dam
I only have a door
And if I open this door everything comes rushing out
Choking me with salty water
And making me gasp for any air I can get
Not a split second to myself, not truly anyway
I can’t deal with people asking me to focus on myself right now
It’s the same as asking me to drown myself

I noticed my heart was stained with some ink
So I threw it in the washer
Without reading the label
Which said
‘One time use only’

Someone else
Who?, I’m not sure,
Threw it in the dryer
Of which I did not know

So when I took it out
To my dismay
It was shredded to pieces
And the stain was still there.

I have scars on my arms
I've practically written the word pain in my skin
I've always been on the edge
Of either a cliff or a breakthrough
But I can never tell which one I'm on
So I never take the next step
I'm just stuck on the edge
While blood runs down my skin
With my eyes closed
...Or open, I'm not sure,
I could just be blind
But I will never take that step
I will never risk taking the drop

There’s not a lot that I can remember from Before,
But the happy memories
Still stored in my brain
All have a glimpse of you.
Back then, I was clueless,
Falling into your lies that you called love.
But, at the same time, I think I could see the things you did,
I just chose to ignore them.

The empty boxes with a picture of a camel on the front,
In your car, sock drawers, and under the couch.
By day you were an amazing watch
But when I wasn’t in your view
The truth came out

Sometimes
You couldn’t keep your lies straight
And I got confused
But I guess that’s what I get
For being so naïve

I wish I could go back to Before
When all that mattered was
‘My dad cares about me’
And not ‘why is he lying to me’
Because now that’s all I think
When I see you through the window
Smoking on the porch
Thinking you’re so **** discrete

You’re not
You could fit buses
Through the holes in your lies
And, honestly,
I think you’ve always cared more about
Finding time to smoke a cig
Rather than
Finding the time to pay attention to me

I am fifteen
There isn’t much freedom in that number
And my parents are so confusing
But that is what fifteen is
A confusing time

I am fifteen
And my mom gets mad at me for not being social,
Locking myself in my room, away from everyone and everything, to read
But when I try to go out with friends,
Or I finally get a good boyfriend, one that treats me like I am the sun, moon, and the stars themselves,
They get mad at me.
This is a confusing time

I am fifteen
And I don’t have many friends
Because I am weird
But it’s not my fault
I just got so broken
That I felt like normal was too impossible to reach at this point
This is a confusing time

I am fifteen
And I am told that I am beautiful
And ugly
I don’t know who to believe
Because the people who have known me for years
Tell me I am ugly inside and out
And the people who are the light
Entering my life, anew
All say that I am beautiful
Persona and reflection
But I choose to just follow the lead of the first
Because if they’ve known me for years
They know best
And ugly sound like more of a fact
This is a confusing time.

I am fifteen
And the only thing that makes any sense anymore
Is nothing
Because nothing is where everything begins
The deep dark pit of which we dig our hands deep and pull out a new task.