I blame it on the easy things,
my parents,
past relationships,
black holes.
But it's always been me
that's been in
control.
Deciding to stop
when they told me to go.
Screaming out "yes"
as I was choking down "no."
Pressing the pedal
when I should've gone slow.
My actions and my words
never quite match up.
Saying I'm healthy
as smoke fills my lungs.
Calling myself an atheist
but telling it to God.
Sitting here wondering,
When will I stop?
I can blame it on the easy things,
stimulants,
a chemical imbalance,
the doctors white coat.
But it's always been me
that's been in
control.

nothing
in this world
is reliable -
rain stops,
the sun hides,
stars die,
and the moon
cannot stay
in one place

so why did i
ever
decide
to rely
on you?

"Stay Strong" they say,
But how can I stay something...



That I never was in the first place?

How to be unhappy all the time:

it's not hard
to be sad
and angry
and unpleased with the world
because the way you see the world
is how you feel
but the way you feel
is how you see the world

and you think,
if all you see,
is the happiness
of your friends
and family
in their life's
and loves
you'd be
inspired
to be happy too

but all I see
is the lack of love
in my life
the lack of someone
to remind it's alright

all I see
is the girl whose found her love
and they are happy together
and I'm happy for them too
I'm just sad for myself

all I see
is the girl with her girlfriend
desperately in love
and I'm happy for them
I'm just sad for myself

all I see
are my friends happy
in everything that happens
and I'm happy for them
I'm just sad for myself

I know wallowing
in self pity
can't get me far
but it's hard to be
happy
when the world
doesn't feel that way.

-r.y.s

I'm tired of living my life in fear.
Fear of failure.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of trying.
Fear of embarrassment.
Fear of speaking up.
How do I fight what I am afraid of?