Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

iDont Think
iCould Continue On
ILove Him So Much, But Seeing Him Face To Face
Just Reminds Me Of How ive Done Him Wrong.
The Feel Of Guilt And Shame
How iWish iNever Tried Drugs.
The Reason
To Most of Our Conflicts.
im Laying Down
Emotions Just Tipping Around
Thinking For A Solution
IFeel i Should Just Set Him Free Because All I've Done
Was Just  Disappoint Him
Hes Honestly
Better Off Finding
Another Girl Rather Than me
Iv Done to much
I Feel So Bad
And Don't Think il Ever Forgive Myself For The Lies i Made Him Believe.
I Don't Know How To Express How Much pain
Im Actually Feeling .
Knowing My Lover Now Sees Me Different
And i know he has lost feelings.
How i Regret
Not Being honest from the very start.

That I've been Using.
Your main concern Is Who & How.
Rather Than Why , Let me Help.
It's all So crazy.
My head isn't insane
like he claims I be.

Temptation Got To me.
2 try's, within 2weeks
was Good For 2 Straight Years.
******, My Habits Humming.
I know Better, Iknew Better.
I believed I was strong for just one.
Addictions Got me, I have to run.
She's so Happy, that she got me.
I've been fighting and Tackling
My addictive mind Since that time.

I'm Craving Meths Euphoria flow
I'm Sorry Baby
if your reading this But I can't resist to hold this thought in.
Knock knock
It's My Dealer At The door
delivering a Fat sack of
Crystal Rocks
Drop Some, Cut it, line it
One Line
Snort it Fast
Crushed Up Well, Burns like hell
Sniff After Sniffs
Eyes Turned Glossy, Shred A Tear. Seconds later
Felt the Drip Tingle
Down my Throat bitter taste
One Line Two Lines
I'm Beginning To Feel Heightened a sense of Pride and Self Worth Very Confident Awake and Alert.
One Line Two Lines Three Lines
I'm Feeling Amazing, energetic, Talkative
One Line Two Lines Three Lines four
I feel As if I Own And Accomplished Everything in This Word.
Unlimited Happiness all in Just
One Dose.
One Line
I Fell In Love With Its Every Effect.
I forever want to feel this way
One Line Two Lines
IDont Ever Want to stop I'm sprung
I want to continue on
One Line Two Lines Three Lines
I'll Keep Using, it's so strong Fantastic iDc if iOver Dose
One Line Two Lines Three Lines four.
I want More I Need More.

How God Smilied bright
To see me sober from the sky
A beautiful 19.
I managed to stay clean all Year.
I broke the record .
14 15 16 17 18
Dear how that year my soul recovered.
I smiled so bright
Knowing everything from now on
Will shine .
A big relief.
I will never turn to tweak
I set free. Finally.
Thanks to my loving Companion
Who made sobriety possible.
My dog Mia.
For her I stood my ground
Held myself down
A dreamy 19 Drug free

I Hate You.
The hatred is so strong.
I've never disliked Anyone As much as I Hate You!
You've hurt me So Bad In the
past Present & Future.
I've cried Soo many times Cause Of You.
Hurt myself In All ways To Forget the Pain & You.
For some reason I can't let You go.
It's hurting me and literally killing me so I must find a way To set our memories free. Sorry Baby but I'm too unhappy !!
My thoughts Race too much.
Conclusions of You & such

I'm on this path again.
Not because I want to.
It's the only way to love you.
Which is so wrong & ****** up.
How far I must go to forget The Pain & Sadnes that You make me go though.
How are you ok with this?
How can you let your girl hurt more.
She's depressed and Hafefull of her body & self.
You hardly attempt Anythjng to make her great. Your so good at excuses "oh you'll talk ****" but it's so easy for you to cause me stress.
Set me free & let me go.
Let me Finally live life.
Expierence the world Without Being judged & learn to love Sobriety.

I'm Feeling confident.
I'm feeling Brave.
For the Wrong Decision.
I'm Giving In And I feel the Dare Stronger.
How much longer?
To Be happy and Sober?
Im Wanting What's Faster.
Misery and Methamphetamine is The correct answer.

iWanna Start My Life Over
Sober
No Use Of Drugs
Completely Pure With Innocence

When Will My Recovery Process End?
When Will Drugs Erase Completely Out of My Mind.
When Will Temptation stop
When Will i Stop Talking about it
When will i Stop.Writing about it
When Will i Stop Seeing it As the Solution To my problems
When Will i Stop
When Will I Stop Wanting it
When Will i Stop missing How it feels to be high.
When Will i Stop Having this bit of love i still carry.

My Life Felt Perfect.
The minute I took That 1st hit.
I was good , living Chill like everyone around me.
I felt alive & stress free.
Worried about nothing.
My life got complicated.
The moment My secret Revealed.
Now I feel twice as miserable.
I got a reminder of why I'm inlove with the unreal.
With All These complications
My minds Losing patience.
I wasn't craving.
now that it's known , I'm feining.
To relieve All These negative feelings.
I'm loving life High.
I'm feeling nothing, that's why

9/23/17Idk What to feel Right Now.
I'm officially crushed.
Everything around me Is Fallen.
Dieing/dead/rottening.
I'm in deeep depression.
This isn't me. Where's my love for my pets? No where.
When he broke my heart, he broke everything around me too.
I've never been this sad in my life.
I've never been this sad in my life I just can't believe it. I can't believe anything I'm in shoxk
Idk idk good bye sobriety
I just want drugs to cure me
I want no help I need nothing
I'm lost in my head for being so forgiving. I lost all happiness
I don't hate or love nothing it isn't even The Drug . It's me, it's been me. I'm so tired of feeling sad and hurt. I've done nothing ****** Up enough to be blamed for.
This was another open door for me to realize what he's worth for.
Nothing baby , he isn't ****.
For him to really have told me he works and has **** to do broke me.
He has time for others, he has Time to conversate  with a group.
When it comes to me ?
He's tired
He's the reason my Bunnies are not being cared for properly
He broke my heart and crushed the little happiness in me
Where Are the drugs? I just want to get lost and go to another dimension where only I understand and no ones in my way To judge or Hurt me in any way.
I lost all hope
I don't know anymore
All I Want is to get High and never come back
Never experience reality again
I'm tired of it all
Thank you baby for officially taring me apart

Please don’t scold me.
I do that daily.
Tell myself everything that’s wrong.
Point out all my flaws and hate myself heavily.
Please Don’t tell me your disappointment.
I am my worst enemy
& broke my own commitment.
Please Don’t Be so angry..
Showing Hate Just makes me Want To Do it all Again ..
What can you feel ?
Whatever you need to .
I just ask for you to not shame me disgracefully..
Don’t show me how upset you are.
Yes I’ve fallen more than once.
I know it’s wrong but
understand I use to run.
I promised myself il fight harder.
Think around the situation
for a solution that will solve it.
I have beat the battle.
I lose when it’s
too many to handle.
It’s so frustrating.
Drugs is the easiest solution
& in the moment I just want to forget everything!
Please understand..
Most triggers are caused by unsolved events in our past.
You created & added on to all the thoughts I dwell on.
Please forgive me ..
As I cannot forgive my own self.
Yes I used, Again & Again.
I’m aware I’ve fallen
multiple times.
Once again, Temptation beats me.
Weakens my mind ..
triggers my brain
with the good times I’ve spent.
My point Baby..
I’m not hurting you.
For you to be in rage ..
I did not cheat or Betray .
I’m faithful till this day.
I Relapsed.
I’m hurting myself.
Damaging my insides
& messing with my own head.
Please don’t be furious ..
I’d understand the sadness if the reasons for my use weren’t related to you ..
I Don’t Want To blame you dear,
Although I do believe you play a big fault on my low self esteem.
Constant Mesmerizing Sadness.
Of the way you treated me &
how I the fool
allowed myself and still gave you the keys to my heart.
How even then
you still played me.
I can’t forget, forgive or let go.
Only on drugs have I made it possible, then they came back worse.
Hold me when I’m coming down
I just need a hug & love .
My mind races of  negativity
Repetiting I’m so worthless

Tired of the *******.
**** it I ain’t About to
deal with ****.
Yeah like that
1 line , 1 Puf, 1 shot
Im aight.
**** the ***** who played me.
Tf am I still caring ?
His feelings ? Nah **** them!
He never cared about me.
I’m still poisoning my body to forget the pain he gave me ?
To get High even more to hold back from telling him to protect his feelings?
I’m tired of being blamed !
Ive been nothing but good to him!
I’m a ***** now because I stand up for myself.

I don’t have to deal with ****.
He’s mad I relapsed?
Complains I Trip to much.
Talks me down for all my wrongs .
Makes me feel
hopeless & worthless
Thinking I’m a real ***** & treat him wrong .?
Wants *** but never gives me to true love?
Takes me for granted!
Takes advantage!

**** ALL THAT
YUP
JUST LIKE THAT
Some rocks & Its Gone.
Oh he’s mad ?
Oh he’s Showing anger?
Oh he’s Really feeling some type of way but never cares about
my feelings ?

Rack up shoot up smoke up
**** , I no longer give a ****.
The more I use ?
The less il fuse over anything that has to do with you.
I won’t give a **** about you anymore!!!
Wanna cheat? **** a ***** ?
Go for it darling
As long as ingest This dope
I won’t even Notice your presence
As a matter of fact.
You’ll be unexsistent
Like I never even met you

I Do Have a Light.
It hasn’t sparked yet .
When it does, it will be so bright .
When I free From
This sickness , il be somebody .
I have the potential
To achieve great things .
I’m intelligent.
When I break Free
My life will Experience
So many Amazing things.
Il make my self useful.
I Will be productive
People will then depend on me.
I’m an awesome person.
Unfortunately my life
Unfolded Differently than others.
That doesn’t mean I can’t get
Back on my feet & Level Up.
I might not be anyone right now .
Have Attractive features
Like drive , Work , Education.
I do have other Nice things to point out towards me .  
One day il rise .

Im Back.
I figured A Plan.
To keep Me controlled On
theses levels.
I'm such a fool, I know Better .
Once I'm gone, I'm gone forever.
I'm Scared That I don't Care.
I'm frightened.
This is So Bad, I knew I couldn't Use just once .
Noticed With Coke I Stopped Whenever? I didn't feel the urge to continue the use.
I Went 2 years without this.
I could have gone a lifetime .
**** had To happen.
I weakened , I've fallen.
I Stood Strong.
I got knocked Down.
By the one I gave my heart to.
Who I've always loved although the pain never stoped Hurting.
I Was deeply inlove.
No, I was Blinded.
I was stupid to believe this would work out. I Was unhappy before.
What made me think I'd be happy if I got with him?
I met Him With A Tear.
I used Clear To avoid The Cuts

iM Clean.
But iM Struggling. iBecame An Addict A Sad Hopeless Dope Fein.
iM 9 Weeks Sober & Every Day iS A Battle & iDont Want to lose.
iTs Becoming More Frustrating As My Clean Days Rise
instead Of Feeling Proud, im Feeling Down. Afraid il end up
throwing All those weeks to waste
Like Before. Then Feel
Useless And See All ive Done Go down the drain and
Start My Addiction all over again.
I Wish My Beloved
Ones understood. That its Hard for me to change from bad to good
im not used to it, im
Afraid to change but believe me ido but im so unsure of
What to do.

How many has it been,
One, 2, Three?
How Many Outpatients
More Than 9.
How many hospitalizations
Like 2
How many therapist
7
Phycatrist, counselors, etc ?
So So many.
Here I am going once again for the
Fourth time
To residential rehab.
They say I need more time
For a mind so ill like mine.
6 months or a year
To be fine.
The frustration that I get from not able to do right
Tournaments me
I kust want to be set free and fly

I know Better Than To not Trust myself.
Temptations Have been So Strong Lately.
Arguments With My Bf Always Trigger me.
I Battled 2yrs Of Hard Urges. Even Once drunk My Bf Threw Money at my face saying to Go Get High Like the Addict I've been.
Last Week, I felt so weak.
I Gave In, I took The risk.
I Got High. I Got Away With it, no one suspected. It Felt Great.. Too great.
Other times I Relapsed i Instanly Went back to My Addict Form and Got sent away to treatment.
I promised Myself Just this once.
Knowingly knowing I Failed Other Times.
Well I'm On Day 4 Of No sleep, Day 5 of consuming Tweak..
I've Been Trying to Act Casual.
But I've been Avoiding Eye contact With everyone. I've been Isolating, afraid To get caught but all I'm doing his Giving hints that Someghings Wrong.
Anyways, I'm Scared & Worried.
When I'm Reaching The comedown I Fein To Use More. Today's The Day ive Ran out.
I'm a few Minutes To An Hour Away From Coming Off it. I Hope To hold Strong And Not Hit up My connect .
There is More negative Than happiness in my life. I hope to Reason And find something To hold on to and help me not fall .

.
I'm So proud Of Myself.
Longest I've stayed sober on my own. No help, no treatment.
I'm nearing 3years in November.
How Amazing.
through Tough situations
I managed to Hold strong.
Through Hard Days I managed to keep my triggers in place.
It's been a difficult journey.
I put up with so much.
My heart Kept Beating strong.
Every day has been a battle.
Between
my addiction and sobriety.
Every day I Need To remind myself To stay away.
I might be Sober but my mentality is still ill.
The thoughts of Using Haunt me daily.
Thankfully I've Been Strong enough to push them away.
You have no idea how difficult it is. To Not relapse when you feel you should.

My Boyfriend Wrote This Poem

I Want Her To Love Me
As Much As She Loves her drug
Crystal ****.
I Want Her To Care About Me
How She Cares About Getting high.
I Want Her To Spend Time With Me
How She spends her time
Hitting the pipe
I Want Her To Come to Me When shes upset
Just how she reachs **** for support
I Want To Be The Only
One She Thinks About
I Want Her To See Me As Her Addictive Drug.

Right now I want a Hit.
Get so lit that I don’t plan on coming home .
Right now I want a ****.
Feel my brain Shiver and Numb Myself completely.
Right now I don’t want to feel.
I don’t want to dwell & think.
Just for a minute I want to escape.
Right now I want to run away .
Pack my **** and get High quickly so I won’t feel guilt or ashamed.
I want to Go in my own world.
Where I don’t need anything because on drugs I don’t care if I’m left lonely.

A Bag
Few Shirts & pants.
Some bras Socks & underwear
Lotion, Brush Makeup
D.o tweezers paste and toothbrush
On & on
So Simple to pack a bag & be gone
Become a runaway
Leaving a simple note to why.
Sounds so easy
Find a reason then make a plan
Those plans dont ever go as planned
How would you survive
How long will you stay in the 1st home,
Before they get annoyed of you
The struggle of a runaway
Having to find places to stay.
The troubles your put to face
I remember those were my adventures days
Getting high all day all night
No worries of nothing.
Coming up at night
G Rides, Raiding Homes
Just to get some ice.
All seems so nice
Deep inside,  im drowning.

iWanna Run Away
For Bad.
iM Sad And iFeel Hopeless
The Only Thing That iFeel iCan Truly Feel Worth iT
is Dope.
iWanna Take A Hit.
iKnow il Feel Happy
Just if iGet Lit
iWanna Twist Just One last Time
Yes A Relapse
Thatll il risk
iKnow The Consequences
But this is it
iKnow il lose Everything once again but idk iF iHave Enough Heart
iLove, But Not Like iUsed to
This substance is
Powerful
Itll Take over
Its sour
iWanna use
And im getting closer to the point were i dont care if i lose...

I have cried
So many times,
Hidden and silent.

I have stared
At nothingness,
Felt my heart breaking.

I have waited
For so many calls
From you that never came.

I have believed
Everything that you said
I guess some weren't true.

I have been left
By you waiting for
The things you said you'd do

I broke my heart again,
Because I thought, finally,
I'll stop being used by you

Overwhelmed
by stormy days.
No one els but I
Can take these storms away.
My choice to live
In misery & darkness.
How hard can it be?
To rise & Shine light
On my Depressed life ?.

Been in these shadows
For Almost a decade .
Hidden from the world,
Burrowing myself
In sorrow & Hopelessness.

I’m tired .
Waking up to the
Same **** every day ..
Life is passing me by,
Missing out in so much .

Caved in for long .
Anguished in my own agony.


How much longer

The Person i Made
The Commitment Of Maintaining Sober
Is The Same Person Who
i Relapse Over.
Yes, He Supports Me And Motivates Me Towards Succeeding.
But At Times He Tells Me Things That Trigger Me To Relapsing.
So i Question My Self How This is Supposed To.Work?
Hes The Potion But Posion As Well.
Like in The past
He Was The Reason Why iRan Away To Go Use To Forget How Hurt And used he Made me Feel.
But Then
Was The Reason i Accepted Rehab All Over Again.
Called Me And Supported Me Those 3 months, i Became Sober Once Again For Him.
When i Got Out
2 Weeks later i Did it Again
Because Of The Same Person.
Ever since i Kept ******* Up
Iwas Already in Good steps,
Motivated looked happy and healthy but **** happened that made me want to fall.
The Funny Thing.
This Very Same Man Turned into My Boyfriend.
And Yet Still hes One of my triggers.

Same Broken Record
It's playing all day long
I'm singing & talking about the same ****** song.
How It hates life
Drugs are the only thing right
The cure to her diease was love
Sadly it ended up being with the wrong one.
It killed her
Not even a substance will make her feel Gone
Only reality, a slit to the wrist
Zone off From the deep cut
A slow sleep
Finally

You Are Running out of time.
Save me Now.
Notice The Heart Aches.
Fix it, Cure it, Help it.
I'm Weakening.
I don't feel capable of Beating it.
I promise You will lose me..
Hope you catch me Before.
Before I Go farther in the boat.
& Get stranded And Tangled
To A Drug So powerful.
Once I'm Gone, I know il Be gone forever.
It will get ahold of me so quickly .
I will change rapidly.
My misery Will Get to me and Make the Choice of
What's best for it.
If I Fall
I Won't feel sorry .
I Won't care for You or anything.

I told you
        To stop me.
I confessed
                     So you can help me.
A truth
           I never admit

“ I always tell the truth unless it’s about my drug abuse”
“Il never confess to relapse”

“Till death do us part”
Getting High
Of methamphetamine
Till my casket drops.
There was no end
No future
No “one Day il Stop”
I gave my fate to it.
My destiny
Goals
Everything
Was inhaled & exhaled
In dope clouds .
I seen no other side
I’ve forgotten about reality
I was stuck in a day dream.

I Gave you
                The opportunity
                        To be in my life.
I held you responsible
to change me.


I accepted rehab
I Allowed Myself To See there’s life aside from twisting the pipe.
Gave myself the opportunity
To make a change .
It was you.
Who finally made me see clearity.


I improved slowly
Relapsed occurred
They weren’t anything major
I got myself back on
Sobriety road.

After many years
Of being stuck
Saying il stop
Till I die
You helped me see Different.
&
After
many years Of denying.
Years of hiding
Of using in silence .
I SPOKE up.

You saved me..
                    To **** me your self .

You damaged me 10x more
Than **** did it’s self .
You became my new
Deadly addiction.

Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

He’s On His way.
He is My cab.
The devils rushing
To take me back.
The darkness loves me.
Showed me plenty of times.
You are replaceable, when it comes to my baby love.
The devils rushing
He really wants me.
I’m his favorite
He says I have so much potential
With crimes and Risks
He loves the effort I take for a Hit
This Time will be different.
If he reaches me Before you Save me.
I will turn to the needle.
So I can really feel lit