I feel Like Giving Up
I’m tired of the way
My life’s set up
I’ve been fighting long
I’m always losing
I’m getting ready to
Take the booing .
Since drugs been away
All I do is cry & wish there was a way to use with no bad affects
When I’m sober
I want my life to be over.
If I’m not addicted, I’m sucidal

Do You have love
For me ?
They’ve never Really put it
On for me .

I Don’t think they really know
About the pain it brings
Methamphetamine
& how it makes me feel gone.
Momma my bad
I haven’t picked up my phone.
I’ve been on one.
There’s a love & it’s rough
But I’m dedicated.
& The Drugs Real rough
I don’t know if il ever make it .

I'm Troubled. I'm Slipping Back.
I need To Act Fast.
I Don't even Reason With My mind or contemplate On That.
I Promised Just once .
Then I Told my Self
"Another won't hurt."
Next I Said i Can
Control The routine.
Tweak, Sleep, Eat.
I already messed up, Im on
Tweak tweak tweak.
It escalated Quickly .
Not even With ******* Did i Fall That Easy?
Im not even thinking about the consequences .
Is it or did i already
get out of hand

I no longer slip
Get back up quick.
I no longer relapse
Able to get back on track.
I Used to feel scared
I wouldn’t really dare.
I used to see sunlight
Now I don’t see any shine..
Sobriety Means so much to me.
It meant, It no longer Does.
Recovering Is Important.
It was, I no longer See that .
A life without drugs is
what i want.
That life is far from being visible.
I’m motivated to change.
To overcome all of this .
I’m unmotivated now
Following tons of depression.
I’ve been battling this war
For ohh soo long.
I was Close to Victory.
Few feet away from Being set free.
few inches From feeling truly committed to end this disease.

I was close , now I’m far.
I was Miles Away
Now I’m Seconds from going back to my old ways .

I no longer relapse
I binge & I can’t stop.
I’ve lost control,
Not all but some .
I’ve binged 9 Times.
Since August 2017.
3-4 Clean gap in between.
Then I fall back.
When withdrawals leave.
When I’ve catched up on sleep.
Consumed Nutrients & protein .
My mind & body then Start up.
To crave & fein.

After every Fall
Somethings change.
My minds begun to go insane.

I Want To End My Life.
Right This minute.
I Don't Want To live anymore
I Don't See Me Worth Living.
I Don't See Any good in me.
I Don't Have Any accomplishments
Any Recognitions.
Im A Useless peace of trash
Just taking up space and Air
I Can't Handle My problems
Its to many
Im too much.
I Honestly just dont know anymore
There isnt a word to describe my mood right now
I just want to be dead right now
End it alll
Temporary Frouns
For My loved ones
Then
Long lasting smiles as the days continue on without my presence.

Lullabies of you & I
Same lullaby
fights, arguments and cries.
I'm finally getting tired of it all
I'm near saying my final goodbyes

once I walk
I won't turn back
that spark I had for you
has finally died.
I blame you, I'm even feeling
like I don't even have love 4 u
soo much pain that you've put me through
I'm sorry for my honestly
I'm always apologizing for things I shouldn't
I should've been walked away

*** is wrong with you?
Are you really ****** serious.
Knock it tf out before
I knock you out.
That **** ain't ok??
****** stupid ***!!
How can you seriously start thinking like that?!
He's your bf!
Don't let the dope get to your brain! He can't **** this!!

I Lost Focus.
Thank god i noticed
I snapped out of it.
My mind Was
Transforming rapidly.
The Addict in Me Was Taking over.
So sneaky, ****** Tricky.
It Blinded Me.
Its power is Devloping.
I felt it Take control of me!
It was So crazy.
I felt the devil try to Make its way Fully into me.
I Can't Believe I Let My Self truly believe The Thoughts, Decisions And actions I've been Taking Were Normal. More like i didn't realize I was letting it happen.
my Mind Didn't see Or Capture What I've Doing Is horrible.
I was letting it slide As if it were any regular thing.
I'm So confused, I Don't remember A Thing.
Don't remember Allowing myself To do These bad Things ...

Sober
I’m writing to vent.
I’m tired of repeating my sadness.
Constantly Creating the same verses just puzzled differently.
My minds going crazy , constantly over thinking about past ****.
Will I ever get to the end ?
Will these feelings ever go away.
I’m waiting patiently on the day where I no longer dwell & self hate.
Begin to enjoy life rather than hide away.

" Your Life Will Be So Much and Get Better, You Will Feel Good, You Will Enjoy Things if You Drop Your Drugs."
Im Sober, i Hate it.
I Don't See Nothing Good About it.
I Don't Feel Good, i See Nothing better.
Everything just Got worse.
Im Miserable, Sad, Depressed.
Sometimes i Regret Quitting.
When i Would Get High
My Only Struggle Was To Not comedown.
Now That im Sober i Deal With So Much ****.
I Argue More Then When i Would use.
I Have So many responsibilities
I Stress So Much, get frustrated
Im Not Happy At All
I Don't Have Fun
Etc
To Me
Being High is My Sober
I Don't Care About Anything
I Don't Deal With Anything
I Feel Nothing
Im In My own world that is wonderful.
Better than my life now.
Id Rather Be Addicted
Than Clean.
To Be Honest, i Hate the real world

Im Unhappy
My addict mind begins reminding me about the magic.
I Hold back and avoid it.
My addict mind begins
Whispering my insecurities & reminding me of all things I have not let go of.
Slowly reminding me of All the tears I poured out.
I Stay strong and hold back.
My addict mind Begins to tell me all the false promises you made. 1 by 1 then whispers all the times you betrayed.
I begin to give in .
My addict mind Turns my unhappiness to feeling miserable.
Temptation gets stronger as I begin to remember.
My addict mind tells me
“ go for it baby, 1 Hit will solve it”
My minds now Racing as the memories start increasing.
A regular day can turn me hateful by just thinking of the times I forgave and got played again and again.
My addict mind starts playing scenarios of the times I’d get high.
Making it seem desirable and an offer I can’t pass.
Once my addiction tricks me.
Using to numb my sadness is no longer the reason. It’s the excuse to start my drug Habit.
Once I’m On , my mind and body crave it. Once I’m on, I want to use to use it. Once I’m on, my emotions tie back rapidly, once I’m on , I lose touch with reality.
When I’m on one, All I Do is think about my next one. The next dose, the Next hit and that’s all I care about and Focus on .
I Don’t enjoy Being high on crystal ****. I’m so focused on wanting more that I don’t feel no side effects
I feel nothing but desperation.
All I want to do is Get high and never come down.

Sober
I’m writing to vent.
I’m tired of repeating my sadness.
Constantly Creating the same verses just puzzled differently.
My minds going crazy , constantly over thinking about past ****.
Will I ever get to the end ?
Will these feelings ever go away.
I’m waiting patiently on the day where I no longer dwell & self hate.
Begin to enjoy life rather than hide away.

Sooner or later .
Yes, your finally RIGHT.
What’d you assume?
That’d I’d be dumb forever.
Eventually I’d Start
Opening my eyes .
Viewing Reality
In all different sides.

Did it not ever
Occur to your lil mind?
That one day I’ll be tired
Of chasing your heart,
Just to Play another game of your
“I’m sorry, I’ll change”

It was a process.
To reach this top mountain.
Dealing with my reality
the problems i avoided coming
all back at once.
Catching up with life.
Carrying Heavy weight
Of Drug Abuse.
hate, pain, sadness.
Hopeless & unworthy
Beliefs.
Being let down by the one
who committed to Forever Protect
and care for my heart.

Years of Tears
Finally Took its Told.
Constantly crying & still
being left alone.
Always abandoning me
Leaving without notice.
Many of those escapes
You came back with something
for me to feel less worthy.
Betrayal , A lie.
Truths have always made there
ways back to me,
Of your fun nights.

To be continued ..

Stay strong, Hold on .
You don’t need it !
Deal & Reslove
Don’t choose the hit.
You’ve been down that road
Enough times to know
It’s never worked
Why are you hesitating ?
The answer is no !
Don’t let your tears
Get ahold & ruin the great number
of sobriety days you worked hard for.

Recovery is rough
life after addiction is tough.
Its All worth the huffs & puffs
from holding back & not give up.
You Can Do It.

Yoi will be happy,
Life clean is pure beauty

We meet again
Will there ever be an end ?
Misery Brings you ,
my pain feins dope.
My sadness reaches out for a ****
Why must I listen,
why do I feed on
To the hurt and past
I always let it get to me
Unhappiness loves to find me
Knowing I’m weak & seek tweak to cure me
This is terrible and I’m not sorry

If I Use
Tears Appear in the eyes.
Disappointment sinkins the heart.
Love, Turns to Anger & frustration.
A thousand thoughts create As you breath heavily.
Speechless, you weaken.
Clueless on what to do next.
words Blur Out ..
“How could You?” “I can’t believe this” “ are you happy? You must be” “look at you fool! Pathetic “
“I’m tired of your ****” .
So upset , I’m Looked as the enemy.
So hurt, I’m Looked as the Bad Guy.
So Disappointed, you want me out.
So furious, I’m seen as a mistake.
I’m Careless In your brain.
I’m evil and Cruel.
How could you use? Abused the ones around you.
We are the victims !
Apologies allowed to only you ..
I’m the Villain, I’m the bad one.
I did wrong , I sinned strong.
As if I purposely fell ..
like scribbling on walls.
Why do you think I want to do this?
Yes I planned. I chose. I proceeded.
I don’t want to deal with My reality
I want to escape everything
& start over.

I Don't Want To!
I'm nearing my sober views & i know your scheming
Leading me to go and find you.
Please Stop
I can't do this
I can't hold you
Understand we must keep apart.
I know Your the main damage
Idk how you manage
To lure into my mind
Making me believe all these lies!
I know drugs are not right
Their is happiness I just need to search hard to find.
Stop it Babylove
Leave me , let me be
Get out of me
Set me free
I want to be normal
I do want to live sober
I don't want to hate Nomore
I've been miserable for too long
Since 5th grade I've been hating
I want to like myself
I want to feel proud
I want motivation
I mainly want to Accept myself
To feel pretty & confident
I deserve to smile
I'm tired of this froun and negativity.
Baby Love please help me in Another way without your taste
Make me hate you
Make you be the reason I gain strength.
Make your love be the reason why I shouldn't go back.
Remind me That using you is wrong.
Although it's the only thing that's ever Treated me best .
I'm now confused and I know that's you getting into my head
Your switching up my mind right now as I text
Your right...
Babylove how could I forget
Aslong as am With I don't need worry about all this

Thank you
For making me not
Want to be alive .
pushing me farther in darkness
To where I no longer
Bother to find the light.
Was this your whole plan.
To fool me About
Finding real happiness.
Finding solutions to get me  away from wanting
seeking drugs.
A promise to help me
Build a new life.
Being The replacement
that saved me.
Was this your bate.
To act like you cared.

So you can Trap me
Tie me up & Be your puppet.
Use me for your greatest advantages.
So you can throw & Toss me.
Exsist when your bored
Have nothing to do
Or no ones around to kick it
So I’m the unfortunate alternative.

Made me visualize
This prince & princess
Love story .
That was all a lie.
I feel in love you .
I did & went by everything you wanted me to.
When I did wrong
You scolded me .
I was never allowed to Act Upon your Unfairness .
I had to accept even the
things that were not .

Was this your plan ?
To lie about helping
my broken self.
To be your entertainment.
You saved me from suicide just to Show me more reasons why I don’t want to be alive?
I was your puppet with shut lips.
That’s why you loved me.
I managed to bite through my mouths strings and that’s when you begun to Dislike me.

I was never allowed to speak on actions that hurt me.
So I begun to.
Instead of realizing how true it is that your unfair ..
You grew anger
Started complaining Saying
All I want to do is start arguments.


You started losing interest.
What attracted you from me
Was my silence
Moved and grabbed me
Whenever you wanted
How ever you pleased
Treating me carelessly .

I’m treated like ****
I’m viewed as nothing
You have no respect for me
Or even care if my heart beats.

Thank you
For saving me from Wanting to end my life.
Just to use me up
Then Drop me back where I contemplate suicide .
Just this time ?
You’ve given me more of a reason to want to die

******* Left My life.
It was The Bestest substitute.
It Was Lowkey And unnoticeable.
It Was Too Much For So little.
Time, Amount & Quality.
My only helper To Stop My real cravings. It was the closest thing To Feel Amazing.
So Long ******* ..
Never want to see You again.

All I Wanted Was REAL LOVE.
Look At me.
I Expirenced what I never wanted
A Broken Heart.
Now I'm Stuck on these Drugs Trying To dump those feelings out
Knowing They Will Be gone only if I Use Forever.
I can't believe I'm still A sad person!
Nobody Will understand
how hurt.
They Are so used to me feeling & Looking  this and Think it's ok.
I'm dying Badly inside.
Driving myself insane.
The one who promised to Keep me sane? Ended up Piling more pain.
Feels like an endless game.
My emotions being gambled Whenever They want to be entertained.

To over come My Addiction
To find love in my self and belief.
I must leave you.
All I do is bleed by you.
The damage you caused will take too much and take so long to Solve.
That’s the truth and I Now Accept it.
As much as it hurts to believe
You Are my biggest Trigger and The reasoning to my Relapses involve u.
I wish you stoped And Changed the 1st time you did me wrong.
Wish you didn’t continue on.
It’s been 6 years and Through it all You Hurt Me sooo ****** much.
It is clear You will Do it again.
Please leave me
Before I lose You
& you lose me to drugs .

So where are the drugs ?
I’ve been Running long .
marathons where no matter how fast I runned? how much Effort I put in ? For none of it to ever be seen. Wether I gave my all & pushed further to doing Better than my best?
I exceeded my strength & held strong for occasions that would have been real reasons to
drop it all.

So where are the drugs?
It doesn’t matter anymore .
Drug addiction is not happiness.
Some don’t believe it’s a disease?
That’s a shame..
No dope fein is happy
No drug addict loves there habit.
Once Addicted , all feelings are changed. Your high is far different from that other person who’s consuming for the party.
To enjoy & Have fun.
Addicts are miserable.

Where are the drugs ?
My struggle is always Twisted around. I’m always doubted.
Always looked at wrong .
My savior ended up being my destroyer.
Left me 4 dead a thousand times .
Why so many ?
I should have been left huh?
I loved him .
Loved .

Prt1

Im Sitting Here
Thinking about life.
As The Homies Are Taking Turns
Passing, Shot Gun
Sniffing, Racking, hot railing
Twisting
The Pookie Pipe 666
The Devils Clear ****
There Getting lost in that ****
Addicts since they were all youngin
Kicking it with 19, 25 30 40 year olds
Im Looking, Then Im looking down.
see the pipe passed on to me
Where ibegan to think and
Look Down On my
Life.
Reality hits me.
Im following the same line, chasing the same thang

How can You?
How can you think of leaving me.
How can you Feel yourself distancing?
How can you feel Unattended.
How can you feel loss of connection
How can ask if I still like you?
Accuse me of wanting Another ?..
I just don’t understand why you would feel I’m pushing you away and at verge of leaving me ?
How can the thoughts of breaking up with me cross you mind?
Complain that I have many issues.
Be upset that I’m difficult and don’t believe you ?
I just don’t get it . I can’t believe you actually question Yourself If 1.your better with out me or 2. You feel I’m taking to someone Els.
This is Just crazy .
It’s So disappointing how your placing yourself in that position .
Whenever You Feel That way ,
Please promise all the b.s You put me through. All the tears that runned Down my face. Abused drugs to forget and attempted suicide because my heart couldn’t take the pain.
YET The Betrayal Still continued.
You Still lie, hide And Are unfaithful.
How can you ?
Compare The pain you caused to The love & attention I gave you.
Never Did you Wrong.
Your in denial of how ****** Up your actions really are

I will continue To hold back temptations .
I can't relapse Again.
I got Away with it Today.
Next time I might not have the same luck. It's tough.
Getting high trying not to get caught. It's a ****.
Feeling Paranoid making Sure You are not being noticed and Avoiding everyone.

Tired of the *******.
**** it I ain’t About to
deal with ****.
Yeah like that
1 line , 1 Puf, 1 shot
Im aight.
**** the ***** who played me.
Tf am I still caring ?
His feelings ? Nah **** them!
He never cared about me.
I’m still poisoning my body to forget the pain he gave me ?
To get High even more to hold back from telling him to protect his feelings?
I’m tired of being blamed !
Ive been nothing but good to him!
I’m a ***** now because I stand up for myself.

I don’t have to deal with ****.
He’s mad I relapsed?
Complains I Trip to much.
Talks me down for all my wrongs .
Makes me feel
hopeless & worthless
Thinking I’m a real ***** & treat him wrong .?
Wants *** but never gives me to true love?
Takes me for granted!
Takes advantage!

**** ALL THAT
YUP
JUST LIKE THAT
Some rocks & Its Gone.
Oh he’s mad ?
Oh he’s Showing anger?
Oh he’s Really feeling some type of way but never cares about
my feelings ?

Rack up shoot up smoke up
**** , I no longer give a ****.
The more I use ?
The less il fuse over anything that has to do with you.
I won’t give a **** about you anymore!!!
Wanna cheat? **** a ***** ?
Go for it darling ,
Il just tweak.

.

Your My Support Right ?
You Tell Me To Stop Using Drugs Right?
You Want me Sober Completely
Right?
When You Drink
You Trigger Me, That Temps Me.
I Look Up To You
You Drink When Your Upset
To Cope At Times Right ?
Every time You Do,
I Get The Craving Of Wanting something In my body too,
When i See you Take sips
It temps me
And i get the feeling of wanting to take a Dope hit.
I Would Like For You To Stop.
Drinking Completely
For Me.
Not Just Because it makes me want to use, but also
For Your own good.
I love You

Every Holiday
That Has Passed in The Last 4 Yrs
Easter, 4th Of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, new Years. (Etc)
Relatives & Family's
Birthday.
I Have Used ****.
Even When it Was Christmas while i was in a locked facility
Residential Rehab i Manage To Get
On one.
Isnt That Crazy?
Addicts Saying is
" If They Really Want There Drug, They Will Find Any possible Way To Get it in there hands no matter what."
The 24th Of December
Is Tomorrow.
Its Going To Be Very Tempting For Me To use For The next 2 Weeks.
Im Scared.
I Don't Want To Continue On My Tradition.
Hopefully i over come it
And be Sober
Being able to Smile, laugh and eat
With my family.
I hope so.

iM Trying To Find A WaY
Trying To Find Away To Get Away.
My Mind iS Twisted
iHave No Where To Turn
Not Even Drugs.
iTs me mentally, insanity

iTurned 17 Today.
Never imagined id make it this far.
iTs A Blessing.
iN Every Journal iHave, ive mentioned i wouldn't make it to this age. Would Have Died
Off An Overdose, Gun Shots or Stab.
But im Here, iJust Came in
from The Adorable Party my neighbor Threw me, out of every one
iWas First To Go in.
iTs late night, iM 17 And iM About To Get High, Got The Pipe
And the Bic Ready to light and twist
Find This Disgusting and
Sick. about to begin another year to this dope ****.
Started At 14, Now im Heading towards Another sad year.

She abuses
To get away from the reality.
To Avoid Confronting
The Truth Of Her So called
“Loving Relationship”.

She gets high
To escape the truth
Of who he really is .
What he really has to offer.
How He?
Will never Fullfill & Help her build The life she deserves.

She Abuses
To not remember all the times
he Used her .
Times he played , manipulated
Failed & dissaponted her.

She’s been forgiving.
Expressed her pain in all ways.
She’s given chances
When the actions have been reasons to forever walk away .

She’s Still besides him .
Little does he know
She no longer stands the same.
& As the days continue
The Insults , Disrespect &
more betrays ?
It’s all Convincing her to believe she’s just better off dead.

Pretty Girls
Every Where, Beautiful Image
Angel Heart, Brain So Smart
Confident, independent, Successful
Then iTs Stressful
Disappointing, heartbreaking
Seeing
Some of these girls fall into the wrong trail.
Influenced, peers, relatives, boyfriends, homegirls
Got them to inhale
A Substance so strong
They dont seem to see it
The new life lane there on, once they
... continued