"I love you."
Well, I've heard that before.
It's all too easy
to say those three words,
even when
you don't mean them.
And we all want to feel wanted,
need to be loved and truly.
Words of love
are always empty
without the investment of
time,
actions,
empathy,
compassion,
priority.
These are expressive instruments
of honest love.
And apply to honest expression
of all forms of love.
Without them it will never be real.
Without them its all just
sweet nothings.

Im going home again
still confused as ever,
as to where my heart resides.
Im flying cross an ocean
to try and find
a normal life.
Home,
the word feels empty,
false,
a lie.

I dont know where
I fit anymore.
I feel adrift,
a hollow core.
And nothing's real
and nothing's fine.

I'm in poor condition
a broken thing
and everyone tells everyone
to leave it alone.
So alone.
Even when the sun is shining,
the sky is clear, I'm next to you,
I am so alone.
It still rains in my eyes.
And I've just been fed lies
to keep my resources around
It's no surpise.
And I've come to expect
that everyone will tire of me
and move on to the next
more interesting and easy
contender.
Another man
another lender like me
who is happier or
more likely to supply
the love drug
everyone is on.

In matters of love
I am expertly naive.
The scars on my arms,
my heart, and mind
covered and deep.
And I have learned my lessons,
learned to ask myself questions
with every move I make
every smile I fake.
Maybe I long for the heartache
of losing love.
The pain lets me know
I'm alive
though every breath I take
is shallow, and I
keep opening up
to let the knives
inside.

These days
there isn't much I care about.
My mind is plagued
by constant doubt.
And all I want is to be found,
to be seen,
be heard
without making a sound.
She has been keeping me
on the ground
rather than beneath it.
Chasing peace,
passion,
zen,
balance, and stability.

I dont care who you are,
please speak ill
of the men and women
that walked through hell
that carried on as their family fell
that gave everything
to include their lives
so you might sleep in peace at night.
Go ahead,
speak ill,
so we may serve you,
so we may silence you.

And I'm freaking out
in this moment,
alone
in an overpopulated space.
My heart begins to race
and I go to a dark
secluded place
in my head,
and it scares me
that I default
to desires of being dead.
Cue the flashbacks
and the dread.
It sticks around,
hangs over me,
till some kind of violence
hangs me.