I** can still see your sky blue eyes as you smiled at me on our long walks
Lost in you so much that I felt you could do nothing wrong
Oblivious to the fact that you never seemed to be there when I needed you
Validating all of your lies to the people around me, because you said
that they'd never understand
Eager to please you no matter the cost
Yeilding to your wishes, because that 's what you said people in love do
Obsessed. That's what my friends said you were. But I wouldn't let them sway me from your hold
Unable to live without you

I suppose you could call me the epitome of destructive.

Number insides;

I am lighter fluid and absinthe.

All those whom I look forward to,

Perish at an age no older than 30.
Sunken deep by the crippling bones of creativity.
Why must creative convert to gloom?

Would you call yourself the poster child for anti-depressants?
When was the last time you held the shards in hand

and looked upon your perfect skin with tremors?

Just dying to let the living out.


Sit perched to the moon awaiting a calling

that came in a figure of an *******.

Sometimes I speak to you of my troubles

Just to know you’ll get off my back.


Do you know if it wasn’t for your slippery hands
trying to mumble their way through steel caps

I might of died that night?
Inches away from the edge
you crudely pointed at your own meter
that ticked against the pavement
awaiting pennies to be dropped.

You’d offer your calling card of cannabis and magic fingers,
line the body with your palm
and hold it against the skin.

Tell me I was beautiful just until the hand hit 10

and you’d say
I was the epitome of destructive.

He happily greets me
kissing my cheek and lips
Bile rises in my throat
But instead of throwing up on him
( It'll only make this worse)
I smile making pointless chatter
He won't forget, he'll never forget
He can switch so fast
Going from a happy to outraged
and vise versa
Just as these thoughts pass through my mind
His once soft and gentle touch
Becomes an iron like grip
Bruising my arms as he pulls me to him
Crushing his lips on mine
Tears well in my eyes
But I can't let them fall
If he see's them than he will
only make it hurt more
Don't give him the satisfaction
Squeezing my eyes shut
My tears quickly disappeared
Just as fast as they appeared
I love you Princess
Those words are the last I want to hear
Princess do you love me?
My heart hammers in my chest
No matter what I say he won't
let it rest
But if I say the wrong thing
he will beat me than start his sick ritual
I swallow against the knot that has
formed in my throat
Just say it and make it sound believable
You don't want to wind up like mom
and those other girl do you?
Fear and the basic need to survive motivated me
I love you too daddy
He smiles and his eyes travel the room
Daddy's going to go and get your dolls
You can play while I finish my work
Than we can play our game, Okay
I'M 15, I DON'T PLAY WITH DOLLS
But I jump with mock joy and hug him
Seeming happy that his "Princess"
was excited
He whistles as he leaves the room
and closes the door
The click of the lock being turned again
sounds like a nail being put into a coffin to me
Finally alone for a least a little while
My smile falls
There is no hope for me
No way to leave
Fifteen years of the same routine
Though I only remember the last ten  
Same living breathing nightmare
I want to die
Then at least I can be with my mother
all the girls I had grown to think of as sisters
He had killed them all in due time
Everyone but me
I've always
Daddy's little Princess

My sobs abruptly end
When the loud heavy trod of
booted feet are heard walking down the hall
Eyes wide, my eyes roam quickly
around the room
There must be somewhere I can hide?
A barren room is my answer
My heart beats faster as the thumps get closer
Why is he home so early?
I scramble out of bed
Quickly brushing the tears off of my face
The thumps cease right in front of my door
The click of a lock is heard
With a creak my door slowly opens
Eyes wide I look into the face of the person
Who has turned my life into a living hell
He was suppose to be my Knight
But has turned into my Prisoner
He smiles sweetly at me
my stomach twist into knots
There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
Plastering a smile on my face
I greet my father

The soft yellow and pink of the sun's
rays peek through my windowpane
Outside I can hear children play
The pitter patter of little feet running back
and innocence of  hushed giggles
Seem like nails in my heart
Tears well in my eyes as I remember
Warm air brushing my neck
Callused hands gripping my wrists
The irony taste of blood filling my mouth
I Love You's repeatedly spoken
Pain
So much Pain
Slowly the darkness
fades away
But never really leaving
They swirl like a dark fog in the
back of my mind
Tears soak my pillow
As I sob over my lost childhood