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  Oct 2015 Antoinette G
jc
as i walk through the empty hallways
i fix my gaze on the worn floor
each footstep is heavy
and drags across the hardwood
the movements have become involuntary
a product of repetitiveness
not passion
i cannot raise my eyes to the photographs hanging on the wall
these black and white remnants
of what seems to be a life of mine
lived so long ago
that I cannot recall the details

but I remember
I remember the girl
who grew up learning hatred
so ashamed of what had been given to her
and so afraid of a life untouched
I wanted so desperately to give her the world
but she destroyed my heart
and left it black and blue

and I remember
I remember the boy
with wild black hair and a voice like honey
who told me everything I thought I wanted to hear
who pulled me in so quickly
but I drew away with little pause
and so I left him
because I am just a girl and cannot give you the world

I remember the boy
who I watched settle for anything
and everything that crossed his path
wondering if I too
was just a commodity
if his plans of seeing me in a white dress
were fixated on the dress
or the soul wearing it
so he destroyed my heart
and left it black and blue

and I remember the girl
who loved everything too much
who looked at me with wonderstruck eyes
and convinced me that I could be so much more
but the skies are never clear for long
and as the dark clouds rolled in
I learned that she hated the rain
as I watched her run inside
to someone new
as I stood amidst the raging storm
while she destroyed my heart
and left it black and blue

and I remember
I still remember the boy
who looked me expecting nothing
except me
the smoke envelopes me
whistling my name
and I move in closer
closer to this warmth
this all consuming
all encompassing fire
but I am scared
I am so scared of the thought of burning out
or becoming engulfed
only to discover
that these flames are not what I want
so I run
I run far away
to safe
monotonous
empty "love"

and as I watched him fall in love under the autumn leaves
tending my scorched soul
dragging my feet along these empty hallways
realizing I destroyed my own heart
and I left it black and blue
One side of my life is alive, the other is dead
I'm walking down the road trying to upgrade
Half of me is in a light but there's darkness in my head
I can do nothing though I pity those going days without bread
While the haves just flip through those pages I've read
They never see the floods and slides cause they read about business till their eyes' red
A part of me believes that I will make it through
Yet the louder part really doubts that is true
All I've done since is cease every opportunity by the beard
Because they claim he is bald behind
Worked my finger to the bone to be kind
For besides failure, there's nothing else I've much feared
Albeit the motor of my courage keeps breaking soon as its geared
You cannot guess the number of times I ain't cried when my eyes are teared

Take it from the racer, take it from a chaser
Take it from a player or pick it from the game
Take it from the greater, even from the lesser
Yes you might be better, but you might miss a lesson

Part of me gave up sometime back, the other says hard luck
I cannot swim across that ocean, not even like the ducks
I've seen less illumination and more of the dark
My road is filled with mud puzzles,once or twice I stuck in that muck
I struggle to survive, I'll hustle till the day I arrive
I'm like the worlds most wanted, karma wants me dead
But life thinks that's fair so she wants me alive
Unless I hit the canvas I won't throw the gauntlet
I might lack tributaries, I won't run out of faith through doubt outlet
All doors seems closed, I know there's one that got me here
The race is getting tougher so the finishing line should be near
Sometimes the sky is cloudy, sometimes It's clear
Some days I'm stressed without a solution, sometimes It's bear
Yeah

Take it from racer, take it from a chaser
Take it from a player or pick it from the game
Take it from the greater, even from the lesser
Yes you might be better, but you might miss a lesson
Antoinette G Sep 2015
The first time it happened
I lay on the  cold wood of my floor
My tears, my innocence,
and my blood mixing on it
My limbs lead
How could this happen?
Continuously roams through my head
I thought you'd never hurt me
Me a child
Couldn't see how this terrible thing
Could happen to me
At the hands of someone
Who was suppose to protect
With trembling legs
I stood and stumbled to the bathroom
Where I spill everything
that I had left in me
Into the shower and
watch it go down the drain
Hoping that this pain would too flow away
I naively think that this would be the only time
But you come into my room every night
Sometimes during the day
When my mommy was away
And you'd call me princess,
Make me put on short and skimpy clothes,
Put on make-up,
And call you Daddy,
Even though you know I never call you Daddy
And every-time you touched me
Put you lips on mine
I slowly died inside
A piece of my heart disappeared
And it continued for so many years
Until I was so use to it
I no longer cried
But Oh!
How I hated myself on the inside
But as I grew older
I also became wiser
But you being 20 years older
Always were a step ahead
And you'd punish me
" For being a bad Princess"
I never tried again after the 10th time
I thought I'd never get out
So I was going take myself out
My 15th birthday just around the corner
And you'd somehow convinced my mother
To let you take me to your lake house
For Daddy Daughter Time
I knew i couldn't go with you
I could see thorough that lie
But Mommy made me
And the second we arrived
Your little game began
And no matter how much I pleaded or cried
I still wound up in my usual place
Even on my special day
And as you lay on top of me
I feel so ***** I can't even breathe
I pray to god for a release
And asked him
**Where Are You?
This was very hard for me to write
  Sep 2015 Antoinette G
Kripi
I spend too much time thinking about
Who you are supposed to be
You are like the air I breathe
Oh what you have done to me

Your eyes and smile
The best they shine
Wait a while
They make me ask*
Will you be mine?
Antoinette G Sep 2015
I smile*
As you yell in my face
I laugh
After you push me down
I skip
When you want me to lay down and cry
I love myself
Even though you've told me for year
no one would ever love me
I stare in the mirror
Despite you trying to make me hate how I look
I enjoy life
Regardless of the fact you pushed me to the
point were I was going to take it away from myself

I smile
Though all I've wanted to do some times is cry
I laugh
When I really just want to just
ball up and die
I skip
Even though I live with a monster's
voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough
I love myself
After all the years that it took me to get to
this point
I stare in the mirror
Even though I can still hear your voice
feel you hands
I enjoy life
Because I don't know when it'll all be over
and I want to enjoy it now that I've decided to have it
And I refuse to let my past,YOU
Take that from me
Because you've already taken so much
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