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Madilynn Apr 2018
***** mixed with lemonade
Now take away the lemonade
And pour it bottle after bottle
Destroying the mind of a ten year old.
Pills and pills and pills and pills
Never check the label.
Never worry about the danger.
Mix in a past as bitter as that lemonade
Because Mom was too busy getting choked to remember the sugar.
She’s just as bad as me sometimes.
Too many wishes
Not enough miracles to go around.
A shadow of a man
Except bigger and scarier
Paint a smile on his face and call him dad
But I’ll never forget what he did behind closed doors.
Or- maybe I will
Because I just can’t seem to recall when Or where
Or why
Or how
Or what he was wearing that night.
His fingers will never leave my mind
That just isn’t enough to believe me though.
Six? Seven? Eight?
The pictures weren’t enough
So that man will walk free.
Now that this small list
Has become a never ending trap
I will end here
Because I can’t remember where I put my pen.
Madilynn Sep 2017
"What was hell like"
The little girl asks me
With eyes full of innocence.
"Hell is growing up in a house that only taught hate,
But have hope darling
Because I've seen heaven.
Heaven was learning there is so much more."
Madilynn Aug 2017
I hope you miss me.
I hope you drown in the loneliness
Of the silence that will greet you.
I hope the depths of sadness
Never really leave you.
Not even when you scream
As the pain cuts through your body.
I hope my face is forever printed in the back of your mind,
So when you look at her
You will always see me.
I hope you never move on.
But of course,
This poem is a lie.
I love you
And I would never wish what you have done to me,
Upon you.
Madilynn Aug 2017
I wonder what you're doing right now
As I let myself drown in you
For the first time since you left.
Maybe you are reading old romance novels.
The ones you said you open
With the pure purpose of forgetting me.
Maybe you are dancing with a stranger
Another way I escape your mind.
But please don't allow me to leave it
Because I was supposed to be the cold one.
So let me move on first
To make up for the heart that I spent so long to repair,
Just to let you break again.
Madilynn Sep 2017
Something I have come to realize about myself,
Is that my skin becomes colorful
When I am truly alive.
I have grown weary of this pale white ,
I want the reds
The blues
The purples.
I want to feel blood pumping,
And hear my heart beating.
I want to live again,
So that I will do.
Madilynn Sep 2017
I will never admit what you’ve done to me.
I will never speak of the nights I’ve spent,
In front of the mirror
Asking myself why I had to live in this horrible body.
I’ve lost count of how many times
I screamed at the top of my lungs
To make my voice louder than yours.
To make my voice just like yours.
Now my words sound just like yours.
“You’re my strong girl”
Hands on neck.
“Stupid *****”
Glass broken.
“I love you”
Black eyes.
“You don’t know anything”
I saw it all.
I heard it all.
I felt it all.
This goes out to all the children of domestic abuse. You may feel invisible but I see you. I am you.
Madilynn Oct 2017
“I love you,”
You whisper
As the conversation comes to a conclusion.
Remind me one more time
Before you leave again
Because the silence likes to whisper about you.
“She hates you.”
Madilynn Feb 2018
One day your memory
Will be so distant
That I’ll have to reach and reach
To picture your face.
That thought used to terrify me
And now it gives me peace
When I can’t sleep at night.
Madilynn Dec 2017
“I’ll make you remember what pain feels like”
I told you
As you looked at the stars above us.
“Maybe that’s what I need”
You replied,
“A reason to feel again”
Madilynn Oct 2017
You ask me where I’ve been
And the words I say aren’t the ones I meant to.
“I don’t love you anymore.”
How could I have admitted that my mind is a hell?
How else would I make you understand that I could hurt anyone else but you?
I’m saving you.
Madilynn Sep 2017
When the man on the corner gives you looks
While you're walking home from school
You will learn to shrink into yourself.

When the boys at school talk about your body
As if you're not sitting right there
You will act as if you've disappeared,
And when you come back
You will no longer know the difference between a compliment
And another degrading word.

When the person you trusted most,
The one who was supposed to save you,
Took the definition of respect
And replaced it with a sense of paranoia,
And a fear of human touch.
You will forget who you are.

Shrink.
Shrink.
Shrink.
The silence will taste bad on your tongue
As will the laughter in their mouths.
Shrink.
Shrink.
Shrink.
Until you no longer have a body made for love
Instead hate.
Madilynn Aug 2017
Today I have showered
Five times.
I have brushed my teeth
Twice for every shower.
And I reapplied my makeup
When my mouth was clean.
A simple routine
That keeps you out of my mind.
Madilynn Oct 2017
Soon the world will end
Because humans always break
What you are given.
Soon everything will go dark,
And you still don’t believe me when I tell you
How much you mean to me.
As time slowly wastes away
I find myself melting into you
But I see now
You’re just trying to scoop me out.
How much time have I spent saying these words?
How much time do we have left?
I gave you my heart
And humans always break
What they are given.
Madilynn Oct 2017
I kissed you goodbye
In the cold night.
You smiled
Because you thought
That I was yours again tomorrow
And all the days after.
Silly girl,
I belong to no one.
I will disappear tonight
And you will remember me as cold
Like the winter snow.
Every December
I will creep into your pretty mind.
Believe me darling
I wish I could stay.

— The End —