Don't go in there
Said he
Not yet

And so the man waited
By the door
Where the voice was

Why did you not believe in me?
Asked the voice, as a formality
And the man looked at his own *****, sinful hands

How could I believe?
Said the man
And the voice looked up from the newspaper

You took Max away
You took both of them away
And you took me away,
Now
Would you believe?
If I took your son?

But you already did
Said he, as a reminder
And the angels chuckled in a choir

And now
Spoke the man
You ask me to believe, when I still cannot see you?

And the voice wanted to show itself
But there was no faith
There remained only a tired and restless soul
That didn’t want answers
It never required answers
It only wanted
Max

How can I be better
When I wasn't even good,
To begin with?

How can I not lie,
When it makes me real
When it gives me direction

I know there is a truth in fear
It plays the fiddle for guilt
When faced with it
Your body bets on red
You ignoring it
Doesn't make it go away

It's all turned to **** anyway
Maybe I'll die not even trying
To **** myself

I'll be ash and you'll be grey
What's the difference
Is all you'll say

Suddenly it's there
Where it wasn't
You see the space
Let the black wings reach

You take a photo
It's not good
You try to understand
You fail

Suddenly it's clear
You're the center of attention
It's not a parade or a circumvention
It's a burial and you're present
You're lowered into the ground
And your soul is fleeting
It's not tragic or special
It's your next birthday

Heaven floats in black paint
Stars shine and the night wanes
And then the snow falls to bring the day

I am overcome with a sense of dread
An honest feeling I have never felt
It lingers and it strays
But it always comes to me
In a moment of clarity
I grabbed it
To set it free

If I weren’t so caught in the act
Of thinking what I should do next
I might have lived differently
I might have sounded out a spontaneous
Yes

To the question of taking leaps
Swimming in the seas
Where no feelings had to be hurt
To be seen

I could’ve been an addict
Or a Michelin chef
I could have fallen for sporadics
Been a sycophant for antics

But remembering fake days
Is what I live for now
Not as sad as it seems
I just wish I had followed
A better dream

To want is to chain
And to have
Is to give

To bleed is to die
And to love
Is benign

Three pillows for sleep
But I sleep for you
I only want to wake up
With a body that's true

It's not unrequited
Or disenchanted

It's pleasure
And contempt

It's a farce and it's crude
That I'd die thousands of times
For someone that sleeps with three pillows
What's the distance to you?