Well, here I’ve gone and done it again
I’ve gone and broken my promise again
I’m so sorry, soul mate, I broke my promise again
And I hate the ******* pain of it
And I’m trying not to cry as I remember:

standing in the shower looking at the razor blade
it leers at me as hot water pours over my skin
and the demon in my mind laughs and rears its head
“You silly little girl, do you really think
you can just avoid it?
Go ahead, pick it up
It’s what you want, isn’t it?
You sad, sick little girl,
watching you struggle gives me such a thrill;
Now take up that blade
And let the silver bite
The taste of blood will haunt you all night.”
No, no, no
I keep thinking no
cowering against the shower wall
I keep saying no even as I watch
my trembling hand reach out towards that razor
stupidfuckingrazorihateyousomuch
it’s in my hand, it’s touching my skin
the metal bites, the blood rolls again
Oh, god, I broke my promise again
Oh, god, I have to tell him this again

I have to tell you this again:
I broke my promise, and I don’t know why
Maybe I’m possessed, and the demon just won’t die
And I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you
So sorry I broke your trust
Shining silver pieces stained with blood
My tears fall to wash away the blood
(I wish they would fall, oh, I wish they would fall)
And there’s something in me that’s about to explode
A swirling tornado about to wreck everything I’ve ever known
Quick, hide! Before it steals you away
Don’t let it take you away from me
Oh god, oh god, I just want to cry
Because I don’t know why these demons won’t die
I don’t know why they just want me to die

I  
WON’T
DIE
so **** the demons
They can make me bleed and cry
but I will not just ******* die
I have a soul mate who needs me to live
I still have so much in me to give
And they will not break me
I will bend and I will scream
I will cry and I will bleed
But I will not break, no
I won’t break

**I still have a life to live.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.

Hey, you!

Yeah, you with the eyes you thought were brown
until I gazed in and found that they are hazel.

Remember when
movie buddies
became
more?
When we shared a bed for
the first time
with only the intent to sleep
but then
you rolled over and I rolled over
and magnets formed in
our lips

sweet kiss

You
are
boisterous blonde curls
soft lips
endless laughter
warm hugs
subtle and strong

"The sky is so beautiful tonight!"

**"Yes, she is."

Notes are spinning

through my head;

I need a way to

let them out

But those notes

drown out

the memories of

cruel words

that try to tear me apart

with my own hands.

So I will

let the songs play on

and save me from

being lost.

These bits of hope
are dimming more and more,
but maybe this one will stay bright.

The firmness of reality
is dissolving in my hands
I'm losing my grip on this, the truth
and it's hard to keep my feet planted
firmly on the concrete of what's known
But somehow I am standing in quicksand,
no longer solid gray stone
I'm not sure what is happening here,
I don't why I'm slipping away
But I hope someone can catch me
Before I vanish with the day.

the smile is crumbling
it's crumbling again
and the monster's screams
are increasing
rising in volume
and once again, i am afraid
and once again, i want to bleed
and once again, death whispers my name

Sing to me
a little lullaby.
I just need your voice
and then I’ll be able to sleep.
Hold me close,
and just before I drift away,
I’ll ask that you never let go.

I worry about forgetting -
my memories aren’t sharp
like they should be,
everything is out of focus.
I can barely see what happened
one,
two,
three years ago-
My past doesn’t feel like mine.
I am losing my history.

I think that I am possessed
I scroll into the past, and
I see the words that pour from my heart
The's are mine? No, they cannot be mine;
I don't even remember writing that line
I think I am possessed by a poetic spirit
Who yanks strange words from my bones
Because how could it be that I,
So simple, so fragile, so weak and slow,
Can create these literary masterpieces
That I see as I scroll
Nay, they cannot be mine
I am surely possessed by poetry.

Today started off
weary and cold
and I shivered through the early hours,
Kept warm only when in soul mate’s embrace.
I wandered through the day, ghost girl in blue and gray
With words of tears and chords of fury
deafening me to the surrounding crowd
I opened my eyes and ears only
for him
and closed my face to all other creatures.
I spent the day swallowing a scream
and when home reached out to pull me
farther into winter
I wrapped my fist around my growing tears
and spun the volume dial up a little higher
And home again, colder still
I buried myself in words and voices,
poems and lyrics,
and disappeared from the real world
and emerged inspired and feeling a bit more whole
Comfort foods for dinner
Hot water streaming down my skin
I battled the voices that begged for blood
For the first time, I won, I came out with no blood lines, so thin
And I buried myself in words again, leaving my head open to air
And I feel a bit better, I do, I do
Tomorrow is a new day, it’s true, it’s true.

He’s jump-started my heart,
he’s given me new life
Grabbed my hand
and pulled me out
of the six-foot hole I was digging.
He’s shown me hope,
he’s shown me the sun
Filtering through the autumn leaves
showing me the intricate veins.
He’s opened my mind,
healed my heart,
Revealed the light of life
banishing the shadows
and  setting me free.

My words have collected dust.

Somewhere,
the time was lost,
or perhaps
simply the motivation.

When did this dream fade so fast?

Where did I lose the pen,
spill the ink?

I’m grasping for the tail end
of even a single word,
and here it is:

Return.

Silence falls,
Killing my heart;
You can bring me to life.

A rise of notes

A quickening of breath

A sudden explosion

of sound that never left

my ears.

It still echoes

never leaving my mind

It leaves a terribly beautiful

memory behind.

Ghost of a song

Of sadness, of pain,

of beauty that through music

shall forever reign.

It twirls and spins

through the chasm of my brain.

There’s a lot of emotion
hiding here
that no one is aware of —
there’s so much heartache, so much pain,
that makes me feel every decision was made in vain.

I’m so tired
of the past,
of things I’d rather just forget.
I’m choking on memories
and drowning in nostalgia.

I remember how it feels
I remember how it looks
I still see the ghosts
The scars of a temptation's hooks
I wish I could say that I've broken away
But
(even when I'm happy)
there are still times when I just wish
I could see the blood
one more time
(and when I'm dark and sad)
there are still times when I just wish
I could feel the pain
**one more time.

Hush
take a moment to think about a smile
Is it real, is it fake
or is this just a mistake?
Return a smile with one of your own
just in case
Because
you never know,
maybe a smile can fix someone's day
make their rainclouds go away
maybe no one ever smiles back
just wonders why and walks away
so maybe
just maybe
you could save someone's life
with a smile.

It hurts to see your name,
and know how quickly you cut me off -
but I suppose it allows me to move on
and find my happiness elsewhere.

Love is an open cage,
the door should always be ajar;
If you lock the other person in,
the bliss will only be brief.
If you leave the door open, so that
they may have
freedom
at any time,
Breathing is easier and a heart will beat long.

Dear reader,
I have a request for you
Judge not
Hate not
Don't tear up the pages
If you dislike my poetry
I ask that you do not scream
Simply put the book aside
Forget everything
I will not be hurt
Unless you outright say
That you hate my poetry
Forever from this day
So, dear reader, please
Heed my request
And I will not hate you
For hating what I write
Sincerely,
The Writer

1
screaming until I go mad.
cold  claws around my heart,
it dug its claws in and marred the silver ghost of my soul
l try to bleed.
the only thing I can feel.
the only thing I want to feel.
sewn my mouth shut.
I can't tell anyone
The secrets that could end up killing me.

     I slowly lose pieces of my mind.

         2
thinking about death..  
whispers dark thing in my ears.
the vulnerability of my skinny wrists.
a chasm of red
a silver-stained death
brands my mind in glowing letters.

screaming for more.
I want to scream
Revealing this secret would destroy me.
                                              
                                                      shattering
                                              into a million pieces.
                                          


3
  Safe.
(safe is a lie
“‘I’ll be gone,’”


4
a girl who is saying goodbye
she jumps off of an abandoned bell tower.
ex-boyfriend finds her body.


5
Foggy darkness
the memories.
the ending note
echoing
I shake off the fragments
     (you can’t escape a memory)
        stumble to a cliff,
fall off.
I’ll smile as I fall
I’m flying,
I’m free.
hit the ground
nothing but a shattered doll.

I'm so tired
of hurtling towards
an ending written
far too soon.

To dream of you -
To hear your voice
And feel your lips
And see the smile I love so much -
Oh, I love these dreams of you
And when I wake up
And remember that I lie here alone,
It just about breaks my heart;
I curse the universe for plaguing me with time unspent.

How long can I wait
for that Happy Ever After
How long can I wait
for The End?
My book is so thin
right now
Unwritten
with some pages I wish could be torn out
But the story I have now
is important
for what will be written in the future
So the pen keeps moving,
the story goes on
I will keep writing
my now.

LETMETATTOOMYFINGERSACROSSYOURSKIN
ETERNITYISNOTLONGENOUGH
THISIS­FOREVERTHISISTRUE
MYSOULISYOURS
EVERYTHINGINEEDISYOU
BEMYSUNMYMOO­NMYSTARSMYUNIVERSE
REVEALTHEFIRESOFYOURHEARTTOME
EVENTHEMORNINGWO­NTTEARUSAPART
ALLISEEISYOUYOURMAHOGANYEYESSOWARM
TELLMEAGAINANDAG­AINTHOSETHREEPRECIOUSWORDS
HEALTHEWOUNDSTHATTHEOTHERONESLEFTBEHIN­D
EVERYKISSISASUNRISEBRINGINGWARMTHANDHOPE
YOUAREMYHEARTMYBREATHM­YSOUL
ONLYYOULOVEONLYYOU
UNTILTHEENDWEARETOGETHERUNTILTHEEND
IWON­TLETTHISFEELINGGOTOWASTE
NEVEREVERLETMEGO
.

At first the
blade’s slice is slow,
But I quickly realize
that it’s much better
to make quick strikes
across my skin.
I lose myself
in the sound it makes,
the satisfaction of each
red line.
I suddenly cap the blade
and toss it away
and let the tears roll down my face.
What have I become?
I hate myself.

SCREAM
release the rage, the pain, the fear
just
SCREAM
it’s better than bloodshed,
the shedding of crystal tears
it’s so much better to
SCREAM
but screaming just isn’t enough for me
Something inside me is begging,
pleading on it’s knees,
so hungry for blood, for pain
it claws at my insides
wraps spindly fingers around my bones
it stretches my hand towards the blade
even as I say “NO!”
I have to fight it, I have to force it away
But this is only possible
with a picture of you in my brain
I think of you, asking me to stay strong,
and it makes it a bit easier
for me to hang on
to the thin thread of sanity
and I
SCREAM
at the demon inside,
I beg it to go away
It releases my bones, but in my head it will stay
promising to return again another day.

Look inside me
See nothing? Look deeper
Hding under my beating heart,
Just behind the shimmering silver skin of my soul
A foul entity sits on a pile of dirt
One eye half gone, the other not quite whole
His skin a foul purple, reeking of lost things
This cursed creature sits and twiddles his thumbs
He watches through my eyes as I smile and I cry
And just when I think that he has crumbled away,
He suddenly climbs up my spine
And clambers into my head to play
He plays with shadows, he plays with light
He dissolves the clarity of wrong and right
He toys with puppets, all connected to my limbs
And as he plays he whispers
“No pain, no gain, precious heart,
You must break before joy you meet
This game I play is a practiced art
A game that you cannot hope to beat.”
And he giggles, and he shows me
All these ways that I could die
I could jump and try to fly
I could wear a necklace of rope
I could choke on broken hope
The silver shimmers in my hand
Promising a much better land
But in the reflection I see a new face
And my heart begins to race
For the face is not mine, but instead
my soul mate, who would shatter if I were dead
This tricky beast living under my throat,
He can dance and he can gloat
But no matter how many needles
he buries under my pale, scarred skin
I will always find my love again.

*And this is what will save me.

She’s drowning.
She won’t believe you,
So don’t bother telling her;
She ‘s drowning
Sinking into the dark water
The cold slowly steals
The warmth of her soul
The darkness slowly devours
Pieces of her heart
Don’t tell her,
Because she won’t believe you
when you tell her that’s she’s drowning
She’ll just keep sinking down
Until she hits the bottom
And gives in.

She
is strong.

She held inside of her
a secret desire
She tucked it away
and swore to find the right love
someday.

She
is 40 years old.
24 years ago she realized
her love
was incorrect
and not allowed.
22 years ago
she hid her desire
and found a love
that was almost true.
18 years ago
a family
was created
with a blonde cry in the eighth hour
of the night.
She
was
happy
there.
A husband,
a daughter,
and love, doubtless.
But
deep
inside
hid
her
secret.

5 months ago,
the family split
into 3 pieces.
Love
is
still
there,
but
family
is
a different word.
5 months ago,
her secret was revealed.

A year ago,
she got a new job
and met a woman.
A year later,
love is
a
new
word.

She is 40 years old.
A daughter,
and a mother.
She
hid
for
over
20
years.

Five days ago,
my mother told me that
she
loves
women.
She fell in
love
with her coworker.

She waited
for tears
or screams
or the dismal sound of the
dreaded
dial
tone.

I
gave
her
none
of
those.

I understand.
She
is
40
years
old.

When she was my age love was
man-woman, nothing else could be accepted,
anything else must be
hidden
or
it
would
be
shunned.

I
am
not
angry or sad.

I am
proud
of her.
Because she
is
strong. I am proud
of my
mother,
because she
has come out.
She is 40 years old.
Daughter, wife, mother.
It still isn't easy, especially with all
of
that
love
in her past.
But she
spoke.
Her secret flew
from her lips
at last,
and she could finally breathe.

My mother loves women,
and that's okay with me.

Scared to live
Scared to die
Trapped in a paralyzed
state of mind
Hold me close
Let me feel your beating heart
Remind me that I’m alive
That I am not falling apart
I hate it when monsters whisper that I’m broken
because I know that with you
I am whole
I hate it when I feel like I still need pain
because I know that your love
is much better for my brain
I’d much rather kiss you
than feel the bite of the blade
I’d much rather dance with you
than shiver in the rain
So why can’t I comprehend
that life is not so bad?
Why can’t I understand
what a million others already have?
Why can’t I just keep walking and sing
A love song for you, my darling, my king
A poet can never help but ponder
A poet always lets her mind just wander
And when I wander I am afraid
Because peeking in dark corners reminds me
that there’s an end to all days
But I don’t want to wander or ponder
No, I’d much rather just stay
right here in your arms,
I’d rather look at you and say
that forever I will love you
‘till the end of our days.

out, out
let it all out
i don’t know how to say what i really feel
i don’t know how to feel what i really say
i don’t know my own thoughts
by the end of the day
you ask me what’s wrong
and i don’t know where to start
anxiety and depression and old aches for self-harm
pressure building inside my head
my heart trying to escape its cage
left alone, betrayed to my own devices
i’m afraid of being to weak to fight on
you want to know what’s wrong, read on!
cookie cutter life is being torn to bits
by the poison-tipped claws of reality
a fairy-tale ending for me? yeah, right
i gotta work if i want that crown
but i don’t qualify for the job
and i’m not ready for education
because i’m just a lazy slob
i have no drive, only meaningless passion
and i’m scared to get behind the wheel
i don’t know how to drive,
both literally and figuratively
they tell me i’m not ready for dedication and life
well, i told them the same **** thing
two months ago!
did they listen?
nooooooooo
i don’t know what i’m talking about,
i’m too stupid to figure it out
my snail-slow brain keeps running out
of fuel
i don’t know where to turn,
i don’t know where to go
i used to be good at solving mazes, but
this is nothing but dead ends, unsolvable
they tell me to stop being so **** emotional
they tell me everything i feel is totally hormonal
i wish they’d stop telling me that, instead just tell me
that they’re happy i found true love, someone to keep me strong
it’s not just fragile and fleeting,
it’s permanent to live on
forever
i wish they’d stop telling me
anxiety is all in my head
and just take me to the **** doctor instead
because i’d rather be safely diagnosed
than live a life of fear
how can they expect me to know how to live
when they’ve kept me so soft and helpless for so **** long?
they could have taught me how to be strong,
but i have to figure it out for myself
because now they don’t want to teach me anymore
oh, i’m a smart girl, i’ll figure it out
no, i’m too dumb to figure it out
contradictions have left me confused
and the back-and-forth battle, with words overused,
makes me want to curl up and cry, then sleep
for a thousand years in darkness, numb

you want to know what’s wrong? read on,
i’m too soft, too slow
i didn’t get the necessary training to really go
a battle has been flying over my head
contradiction bullets fired from genetically linked cannons
am i stupid am i slow
am i smart enough to know
how to live?
i am afraid of the future
afraid of the obstacles looming in front of me now
i’m not ready to grow up, not ready to fight
the necessary battle that is simply life
maybe i’ll run away into the woods
to find the meaning of life
maybe i’ll grow up too late,
after everyone’s moved on
maybe i’ll get lucky
and start a successful small-town business
or maybe i’ll just


i honestly don’t know
what to do
i’m not ready for survival,
not fit for independent life
i’m not ready to join the ranks
of the successful, the bright
the pretty names that light up the night
i don’t know where to go

you know what’s wrong, you see my thoughts
you can tell me every possible plot
but all i really need right now
is to know that you’ll always be here
keeping me strong
you’ll always be next to me so i can fight on
i just need to know
that the stream won’t carry you away
like it has taken so many other people from my days
i just need to know i’m not alone

We said that we would fix each other,
and we did...
but we fussed too much over the hairline cracks that remained
And we broke each other again and again.

I let myself
s
i
n
k,

I contemplate
d
r
o
w
n
i
n
g,

but I know that there is
l i f e
and
l o v e
waiting above,
so back up I swim.

What is love?
Love is fear, and love is joy, pure and true.
Love is sacrifice, letting go,
And love is holding on for dear life.
Love is gentle, and love is rough;
Love is light, and love is dark.
Love is a butterfly kiss,
and love is teeth against your lip.
Love is a juxtaposition, opposites combined;
It doesn’t make any sense,
but that’s what makes it so perfect.

Sunsets
and
stars,

shining and tossing
time away

Taking my breath
away

Every time
I look up,

My time
wastes
away.

Darkness, cold clawed hand,
reaches to grab hold of me.
It wants me to fall.

What are you hiding
Behind that mask?
What lurks behind your love-struck eyes,
What threatens to smash through you gentle facade?
What terrible beast is waiting to be unleashed?
Let it devour me, for I must feel every part of you.

Words fly
off the top of my head
I
m
p
r
o
v
i
s
a
t
i
o
n
is my specialty.
Boredom fuels the tide of letters
arranged into a brilliant fortress
A stack of toddler's alphabet blocks
No pencil, no pen,
I use a keyboard instead
And when the lights go out
My world will end
c
r
u
m
b
l
i
n
g
around me,
shrapnel digging into my skin.
And I will be forced to say
                                            farewell.

Settle into this
Soft place, comfort
Settle into this warmth
Sunshine filling your veins
Settle into this,
It is not reality,
Settle into this,
Escape from reality.*

Take my hand a lead me away from this place
Lead me away from the insanity, the pain
Take my hand and pull me up
Out of the hole I’m in, pitch-black
Scream into my ears, yes, scream
So loud i just may go deaf
Scream until i finally open my eyes
To look at you
Scream until the fog lifts from my face
And you can see me clearly
I can see you clearly
Walk ith me down the bumpy road
These hills keep popping up
Walk with me, up and down
Round and round
It’s a circle, it’s a cycle,
It repetitionrepetition
Repeat it again and again
Bro-ken rec-ord, bro-ken rec-ord
Spin me around,
Round and round the town
Hear me laugh
Maniacal
The neighbors close their shutters tight
So they can maybe sleep through the night
Hush, children, she’s on the prowl
Listen close, you can hear her howl
If you go out alone on this full moon
She will catch you and turn you into a loon
Loon, lune, luna, lunar, moon
It is fun to sing to the moon
Sing with me, love, sing with me
Dance with me, love, dance with me
When they come for me, i will be gone
I’ll dissolve in the moon’s silver light
And leave just a trace of my laugh in the night
You can hear me in the latest hour
If you go up the wooden tower
Hush, and listen:
Here lies an insane little girl.

i.
It burns, it grows,
It threatens to devour me;
I can see why love is often compared to a flame.

ii.
Soft and gentle, this
kiss ignites a thousand flames;
My soul is ablaze.

iii.
It is a hunger, a burning desire,
And it is sweetness, soft comfort
All at once - how can this be?

v.
Whisper those bright words
to light up my dark gray sky;
Show me a new light.

iv.
This does not make a lick of sense,
This shatters everything i’ve known;
The fairytales are true, after all.

iiv.
I wonder if you
can see what you’ve done to me;
I am now awake.

I see the storm

Brewing inside you;

Lightning flashes in your eyes.

You’re angry, love, I see it, I know,

But I am not afraid.

And while your silences frightens me,

The serious tone, I hate,

I am not afraid of the storm.

I will not back away, love,

I’d rather be struck by lightning.

Trembling leaf
barely hanging on to the
ice-coated branch
It shakes as the wind swirls around it
in circles
hanging on by such a thin little stem
Hang on tight
Just hang on
'till spring.

What is this you are doing to me?
I swear this is pure insanity;
My heart feels like a fluttering bird,
Catch it in your hands
And soothe it with just a single word.

I think my heart will burst,
as it is so full of love for you.
I think I may float past the clouds,
as I feel so light and free with you.
I think my soul has never been safer
as it is now here with you.
I think that I have never truly loved
as much as I do you.

Sky is crumbling
Falling to the Earth
But it seems that Earth is crumbling, too
The Atmosphere has nowhere to land
And so she falls forever
With Earth still beneath her
Always a short distance away