To dream of you -
To hear your voice
And feel your lips
And see the smile I love so much -
Oh, I love these dreams of you
And when I wake up
And remember that I lie here alone,
It just about breaks my heart;
I curse the universe for plaguing me with time unspent.

A rise of notes

A quickening of breath

A sudden explosion

of sound that never left

my ears.

It still echoes

never leaving my mind

It leaves a terribly beautiful

memory behind.

Ghost of a song

Of sadness, of pain,

of beauty that through music

shall forever reign.

It twirls and spins

through the chasm of my brain.

In your eyes
lies safe haven,
real promises,
and genuine affection.

He’s jump-started my heart,
he’s given me new life
Grabbed my hand
and pulled me out
of the six-foot hole I was digging.
He’s shown me hope,
he’s shown me the sun
Filtering through the autumn leaves
showing me the intricate veins.
He’s opened my mind,
healed my heart,
Revealed the light of life
banishing the shadows
and  setting me free.

droplets
  chasing
one
  another
through
  the
endless
  gray
before
  a
brief
  exchange
with
  grass.

I can’t
breathe.

If I do,
I’ll leak
and drown
in my pain.

We said that we would fix each other,
and we did...
but we fussed too much over the hairline cracks that remained
And we broke each other again and again.

Gentle melancholy blankets my heart,
sharing a space with the swell of love -
somehow, they mingle well,
like yin and yang.

Look up
At smears of wet cotton sitting on
A smooth glass table
Beneath a blue ceiling
That  holds a bright light  
OUT!
Dark, dark, and cold  
Leaks through three cracks in the glass
Drip, drip, drop
Ups and downs that just won't stop.

Scared to live
Scared to die
Trapped in a paralyzed
state of mind
Hold me close
Let me feel your beating heart
Remind me that I’m alive
That I am not falling apart
I hate it when monsters whisper that I’m broken
because I know that with you
I am whole
I hate it when I feel like I still need pain
because I know that your love
is much better for my brain
I’d much rather kiss you
than feel the bite of the blade
I’d much rather dance with you
than shiver in the rain
So why can’t I comprehend
that life is not so bad?
Why can’t I understand
what a million others already have?
Why can’t I just keep walking and sing
A love song for you, my darling, my king
A poet can never help but ponder
A poet always lets her mind just wander
And when I wander I am afraid
Because peeking in dark corners reminds me
that there’s an end to all days
But I don’t want to wander or ponder
No, I’d much rather just stay
right here in your arms,
I’d rather look at you and say
that forever I will love you
‘till the end of our days.

It’s here,
caught in these words I’ve read
so many times,
with a familiar voice in my ears
and warmth on my face
That I really feel like

me.

What
is
me?
Laughter
Smiles
Good heart
Giving heart
Sunshine girl never gives up doesn't care if it rains
What
am
I?
Am I sun
or am I
more?
Is there more
to this
smile?
Is there a frown
hiding
underneath?
Am I
trapped in a fishbowl swimming in circles
while everyone else is happily in the sea
because I don't know how
to get to the bright and big ocean
because it's
scary.
But
I
have
to
go.
I have to go.

Darkness, cold clawed hand,
reaches to grab hold of me.
It wants me to fall.

She’s drowning.
She won’t believe you,
So don’t bother telling her;
She ‘s drowning
Sinking into the dark water
The cold slowly steals
The warmth of her soul
The darkness slowly devours
Pieces of her heart
Don’t tell her,
Because she won’t believe you
when you tell her that’s she’s drowning
She’ll just keep sinking down
Until she hits the bottom
And gives in.

SCREAM
release the rage, the pain, the fear
just
SCREAM
it’s better than bloodshed,
the shedding of crystal tears
it’s so much better to
SCREAM
but screaming just isn’t enough for me
Something inside me is begging,
pleading on it’s knees,
so hungry for blood, for pain
it claws at my insides
wraps spindly fingers around my bones
it stretches my hand towards the blade
even as I say “NO!”
I have to fight it, I have to force it away
But this is only possible
with a picture of you in my brain
I think of you, asking me to stay strong,
and it makes it a bit easier
for me to hang on
to the thin thread of sanity
and I
SCREAM
at the demon inside,
I beg it to go away
It releases my bones, but in my head it will stay
promising to return again another day.

What are you hiding
Behind that mask?
What lurks behind your love-struck eyes,
What threatens to smash through you gentle facade?
What terrible beast is waiting to be unleashed?
Let it devour me, for I must feel every part of you.

This safe space
has my heart ready to burst–

More warmth and affection
than I've ever possibly known

Suddenly pouring over my soul
to bathe me in light and love

A soul mate and a kindred spirit
to show me boundless joy

Surely, this unfolding is just
a silly little fairy tale,

Too good to be true?
I'm reminded every day that it's real

I grow and thrive here,
in the light of friendship and love.

Trembling leaf
barely hanging on to the
ice-coated branch
It shakes as the wind swirls around it
in circles
hanging on by such a thin little stem
Hang on tight
Just hang on
'till spring.

LETMETATTOOMYFINGERSACROSSYOURSKIN
ETERNITYISNOTLONGENOUGH
THISIS­FOREVERTHISISTRUE
MYSOULISYOURS
EVERYTHINGINEEDISYOU
BEMYSUNMYMOO­NMYSTARSMYUNIVERSE
REVEALTHEFIRESOFYOURHEARTTOME
EVENTHEMORNINGWO­NTTEARUSAPART
ALLISEEISYOUYOURMAHOGANYEYESSOWARM
TELLMEAGAINANDAG­AINTHOSETHREEPRECIOUSWORDS
HEALTHEWOUNDSTHATTHEOTHERONESLEFTBEHIN­D
EVERYKISSISASUNRISEBRINGINGWARMTHANDHOPE
YOUAREMYHEARTMYBREATHM­YSOUL
ONLYYOULOVEONLYYOU
UNTILTHEENDWEARETOGETHERUNTILTHEEND
IWON­TLETTHISFEELINGGOTOWASTE
NEVEREVERLETMEGO
.

The tide has crashed
over my head—

I had my back turned,
I thought I was safe
but I was wrong.

I’m drowning,
flailing,
unsure of which way is up.

Everything is hitting me
all at once.

I was fine an hour ago.
I was fine.
I was.

But the tide doesn’t care.

What is love?
Love is fear, and love is joy, pure and true.
Love is sacrifice, letting go,
And love is holding on for dear life.
Love is gentle, and love is rough;
Love is light, and love is dark.
Love is a butterfly kiss,
and love is teeth against your lip.
Love is a juxtaposition, opposites combined;
It doesn’t make any sense,
but that’s what makes it so perfect.

Well, maybe I'm a broken doll,
A bird who's lost her heart
I don't know where home is,
Where I was born or where I keep my heart.

You help me feel
like I can really
live again,
like I can be human.

I’m not a ghost,
for you have made me
real.

out, out
let it all out
i don’t know how to say what i really feel
i don’t know how to feel what i really say
i don’t know my own thoughts
by the end of the day
you ask me what’s wrong
and i don’t know where to start
anxiety and depression and old aches for self-harm
pressure building inside my head
my heart trying to escape its cage
left alone, betrayed to my own devices
i’m afraid of being to weak to fight on
you want to know what’s wrong, read on!
cookie cutter life is being torn to bits
by the poison-tipped claws of reality
a fairy-tale ending for me? yeah, right
i gotta work if i want that crown
but i don’t qualify for the job
and i’m not ready for education
because i’m just a lazy slob
i have no drive, only meaningless passion
and i’m scared to get behind the wheel
i don’t know how to drive,
both literally and figuratively
they tell me i’m not ready for dedication and life
well, i told them the same **** thing
two months ago!
did they listen?
nooooooooo
i don’t know what i’m talking about,
i’m too stupid to figure it out
my snail-slow brain keeps running out
of fuel
i don’t know where to turn,
i don’t know where to go
i used to be good at solving mazes, but
this is nothing but dead ends, unsolvable
they tell me to stop being so **** emotional
they tell me everything i feel is totally hormonal
i wish they’d stop telling me that, instead just tell me
that they’re happy i found true love, someone to keep me strong
it’s not just fragile and fleeting,
it’s permanent to live on
forever
i wish they’d stop telling me
anxiety is all in my head
and just take me to the **** doctor instead
because i’d rather be safely diagnosed
than live a life of fear
how can they expect me to know how to live
when they’ve kept me so soft and helpless for so **** long?
they could have taught me how to be strong,
but i have to figure it out for myself
because now they don’t want to teach me anymore
oh, i’m a smart girl, i’ll figure it out
no, i’m too dumb to figure it out
contradictions have left me confused
and the back-and-forth battle, with words overused,
makes me want to curl up and cry, then sleep
for a thousand years in darkness, numb

you want to know what’s wrong? read on,
i’m too soft, too slow
i didn’t get the necessary training to really go
a battle has been flying over my head
contradiction bullets fired from genetically linked cannons
am i stupid am i slow
am i smart enough to know
how to live?
i am afraid of the future
afraid of the obstacles looming in front of me now
i’m not ready to grow up, not ready to fight
the necessary battle that is simply life
maybe i’ll run away into the woods
to find the meaning of life
maybe i’ll grow up too late,
after everyone’s moved on
maybe i’ll get lucky
and start a successful small-town business
or maybe i’ll just


i honestly don’t know
what to do
i’m not ready for survival,
not fit for independent life
i’m not ready to join the ranks
of the successful, the bright
the pretty names that light up the night
i don’t know where to go

you know what’s wrong, you see my thoughts
you can tell me every possible plot
but all i really need right now
is to know that you’ll always be here
keeping me strong
you’ll always be next to me so i can fight on
i just need to know
that the stream won’t carry you away
like it has taken so many other people from my days
i just need to know i’m not alone

Settle into this
Soft place, comfort
Settle into this warmth
Sunshine filling your veins
Settle into this,
It is not reality,
Settle into this,
Escape from reality.*

Take my hand a lead me away from this place
Lead me away from the insanity, the pain
Take my hand and pull me up
Out of the hole I’m in, pitch-black
Scream into my ears, yes, scream
So loud i just may go deaf
Scream until i finally open my eyes
To look at you
Scream until the fog lifts from my face
And you can see me clearly
I can see you clearly
Walk ith me down the bumpy road
These hills keep popping up
Walk with me, up and down
Round and round
It’s a circle, it’s a cycle,
It repetitionrepetition
Repeat it again and again
Bro-ken rec-ord, bro-ken rec-ord
Spin me around,
Round and round the town
Hear me laugh
Maniacal
The neighbors close their shutters tight
So they can maybe sleep through the night
Hush, children, she’s on the prowl
Listen close, you can hear her howl
If you go out alone on this full moon
She will catch you and turn you into a loon
Loon, lune, luna, lunar, moon
It is fun to sing to the moon
Sing with me, love, sing with me
Dance with me, love, dance with me
When they come for me, i will be gone
I’ll dissolve in the moon’s silver light
And leave just a trace of my laugh in the night
You can hear me in the latest hour
If you go up the wooden tower
Hush, and listen:
Here lies an insane little girl.

Words fly
off the top of my head
I
m
p
r
o
v
i
s
a
t
i
o
n
is my specialty.
Boredom fuels the tide of letters
arranged into a brilliant fortress
A stack of toddler's alphabet blocks
No pencil, no pen,
I use a keyboard instead
And when the lights go out
My world will end
c
r
u
m
b
l
i
n
g
around me,
shrapnel digging into my skin.
And I will be forced to say
                                            farewell.

Sunlit Lies

The sun may have blinded you,
but I know the truth,
for I dance in the shadows.

I know that those smiles
only come from pain and lies
and manufactured blue skies.

I know that the monsters
dance in your heads every day
Very little can make them go away.

I know that constant lies
are the only way we know to live
Stare at the sun, let it blind you

No!

Come with me, into Moon’s silver glow
Come and learn the truth, and find
that true happiness is found in the night.

Sky is crumbling
Falling to the Earth
But it seems that Earth is crumbling, too
The Atmosphere has nowhere to land
And so she falls forever
With Earth still beneath her
Always a short distance away

I see the storm

Brewing inside you;

Lightning flashes in your eyes.

You’re angry, love, I see it, I know,

But I am not afraid.

And while your silences frightens me,

The serious tone, I hate,

I am not afraid of the storm.

I will not back away, love,

I’d rather be struck by lightning.

I think I'm being buried
slowly
smothered as
more
and more
dirt is piled
onto my shoulders
"...seperating..."
"...just friends..."
"...dead..."
"...responsibility..."
"...passing, right?"

I am up to my neck
and barely breathing.

This time I managed to dodge
the terrible heartbreak bullet.

I woke up today,
   and my aura had a
      sad silver tint.

I woke up today
   feeling a weight
      where my heart should be.

I woke up today,
   and immediately
      wanted to cry.

I woke up today
   with depression
      nibbling on my bones.

I woke up today,
   but I don't think
      I'm really awake.

I woke up today
   so now I must
    move forward.

I don't think you realize how big of a hole
you really left behind -
I'll be bleeding forever unless you return.
There is no cure to this,
the worst withdrawal.
Without you, it's hard to breathe
To walk
To love
You're my drug, and you've been taken away
I think the symptoms of this withdrawal
might **** me just before the day
that you return, and into you I once again fall.

A wave of release
flowing
like ink from my pen
Bursting
from between my lips
The fear builds in my chest
Pounding, pounding, pounding
The words strain
to break through
the boundary of fear
Finally,
a fist punches through,
allowing
RELEASE.

I don't fit here,
I don't fit there,
I don't think I really fit
anywhere.

I know I need to tell you
what’s really on my mind
I know I need to tell you that something’s wrong
But all my life I’ve survived on lies
Never being honest, always shielding my eyes
And no one has ever known
How I really feel
No one has ever seen
the scars under the smile
And it’s hard to open up now,
hard to embrace total honesty
I cannot speak my mind aloud
Why do you think I write so much?
My truth is in my poetry,
emotions laid out for you to see
Because I don’t know how to remove my mask
and set my feelings free
So if I tell you I’m okay,
double-check my claims
Take a peek at my poetry,
the answer there might not be the same
as I what I say aloud, barely meeting your eyes
Always keep in mind that one of my best skills is lies
I don’t want to lie to you, I want to have your trust
But how can anyone trust me
when I barely trust myself?
So don’t trust my vocals,
only trust the poet’s word
Because my truth is in my poetry
and that’s where my real thoughts lie.

Love yourself first.
Only accept your truth.
Valentines are paper.
Every day it's you.
Happiness will be mine.
I can't breathe.
My arms are weak, my legs are faulty.
Oh, why is this true?
Never give.
Love is a fable and I live in the tale.
You.

I don’t know how
And I don’t know why
But what I do know
Makes me want to cry
It’s confusing, it’s frustrating,
It doesn’t make any sense
But it’s so right, so perfect;
Puzzle pieces fit together so nicely
I cannot deny this, the truest connection
The binding of souls
But why, someone tell me why
Why does it has to be so complicated?
Why must we be torn apart,
Clinging to fragile scraps of
“Hope to see you again,”
It’s frustrating,
But it makes sense
A true test of love, distance
Will prove that this is true
And smash it to the ground
And shatter a fantasy
In my heart, I feel it, I know:
This is not a fantasy, no
This will withstand even the greatest of distances
I know, I know.

This is a surprise,
This sudden bloom that has
Poked its head out
From the remains of two messy years
This is a surprise,
But I'm glad to see it.
I just hope I can help it to grow well.

Everything is wrong
Why is it all wrong
Why
are they all looking
at
me
Is something
wrong?
Why am I shivering
inside my bones
my heart won't stop vibrating
what's wrong everything is wrong

Voices are being dumped on my head like
cold water in the early morning
startling me awake and afraid
I feel every
single
gaze

on
my
back

I turn to look
but all faces
are turned away

*look away

it’s baffling,
the way the poetry forms.
one day, there are no words
and you’re left in silence.
the next day, you’re exploding;
firewords streak the sky and stain the clouds with ink

it’s intriguing,
the infinite possibilities of a poem

    d  the words up, then b
   l                                                r
  i                                              e
u                                                  a
b                                                        k   them down

spin the letters
         r    r
     o           o
u     and       u
   n             n
        d    d

it’s magical
how a few simple lines can be made into a work of art
it just depends
on the how the w o r d s
are   a
        r
                   r
     a
               n
          g
   e
                      d.

ah, poetry is its own magic.

I would bottle
a little bit of your voice
to hear whenever I wish

To hear I was always
in your eyes, always
visible when I felt unseen.

This warmth
is so safe, and I
never want to leave this space

Where we exist, together,
understanding
and feeling our thoughts.

I have a secret:
I am self-destructing.
No!
Don't tell!
Please, just let me go...
if I can't save myself.
You see, the demon in my head is controlling my limbs again,
but I know I can fight him if I really try.
Yes, he makes me bleed and he makes me cry,
but I swear he will never make me die.
I can fight this *******, the terrible beast,
you'll see.
Just don't tell, okay? Don't tell
the world that I'm self-destructing.

This is a force
Which has shaken me to the core;
I am irreversibly changed by your love.

I don’t think I have ever been so grateful
to have a secret come out.

You lift
my heart
into the very center
of the universe
and fill it
with a cosmic magic
that gives me fresh life.

It occurred to me
that I am nothing more
than a speck of stardust,
walking on another speck,
which is floating in another speck,
and the infinity is blinding.
But it also occured to me that
Stars, despite their mortality,
are beautiful as they shine,
no matter how bright the light.

I am gray.

I am somehow both messy and organized.

I am both happy and sad.

I am asleep and I am awake.

I am smart and I am stupid.

I am dark and I am light.

I am gray.

Unknown.

why is it,
i wonder,
that we create so much hatred
to fill the world
in a an attempt to erase
the joy, the happiness, the light?
is it just
human nature?

Swimming
through oil
  Trapped
in the night,
                    not a star in sight.
Make love to the dark,
  greet the cold embrace,
let it move inside,
                              let it take over.
But then there's a gunshot,
  a shock, a flame,
  lighting up the pitch-black room
that is your mentality.

  And the darkness
                               slips
                                       a
                                         w
                                            a
                                              y.